To think we have lost what we once had?

[Iwannabeabillionaire]

Ok so background. Been with dp 20 odd years. Three Dc. Was planning a 4th (unlikely now).
Very different people. Him not talkative. Likes very basic conversation
I'm very chatty. Like a laugh. He prefers telly to talking.
However,we do have a lot in common and are from similar backgrounds and have values in common too

Had a few periods over the years where things haven't been great. And it's been mostly me picking flies to be fair. He's very complimentary to me and says nice stuff and has been tolerant of what I would describe as highly strung behaviour from me.But the vast part of our relationship has been great and we have been close

Fast forward to about 18mths ago . He has stopped being tolerant of me. And now is very intolerant.
Bites my head off at jack shit. I walk on egg shells. He seems exasperated by me.
Yes I've gone on at him for years,mostly over nothing but he's always said he takes no notice. I've always apologised if I'm wrong and I'm generally kind,affectionate,loving and made a huge effort in our realtionship.
Suddenly he finds me hugely annoying
Not a week goes by now when this doesn't escalate into a row. Either him biting my head off and I react. Or me having had enough and pulling him up. Only for him to say im going on again and hes fine!!
I can't take any more. I'm actually suffering from anxiety
And sadness for happy times we have had
Now I hate feeling that I'm an irritation to a man
Tonight he has just gone to bed at 1030 after a not particularly busy work day for him. I've had a 3 hr commute . When i mentioned this he said 'oh dear'. He could have stayed up a bit even if he was tired.
We go on a.family.hol in Aug. It's the one thing i love. Its gonna be miserable at this rate.
If I try and talk. He says he's fine and everything will be ok. So long and i don't go on or nag. He basically wants me to be normal even if I don't feel it. And he really doesn't want to address any issues as he sees them as non issues.
Please advise.

No menopause! As i said at the start,I was hoping to have another baby!!! I do get bad Pmt and I'm sure when i go through the menopause (hopefully not for ages) i will be horrible. I fully intend to have HRT.
He's in good shape. Fit slim. We both are

What ever you decide to do I hope it all works out for you. Some relationships do go a bit stale after a little while. My relationship has definitely had its ups and downs. My only advice is take it slow and try and see things from his point of view don't push him to much. I don't think he wants to leave you or else he would have left by now. If you was a nightmare to live with he would have left. You need to think more positive about your relationship you are different people but thats not a bad thing, opposites attract. My partner doesn't like going to the pub so I arrange a girly night out I don't resent him for it thats just how he is. Same with the cinema he told me he would fall asleep so I take my kid out to see a film.

"Puzzled by this..

His behaviour is odd...

What's he getting from the relationship? What's he getting from the family?"

Familiarity. Ease. Comfort. Financial security (more so than the alternative, in any case). Lack of upheaval; continuity.

Pretty obvious really.

OP, I strongly suggest you take him at his word and leave him behind when you go on holiday. It can be really easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you can't do things without him. But you can.

Holidays can be stressful. With the way things are right now, I can guarantee you will argue, badly, if he comes.

Leave him behind. Sit the kids down and give them an edited version of the truth, and let them know you will need their help to have the holiday running smoothly.

And then leave him on his own for a bit. I strongly suspect that when you're gone, he will snap out of his rut and realise how much he depends on you. And you will gain strength from knowing you can do things alone.

You don't need to have a sit down chat about this - simply carry on, and if he mentions the holiday, give him a wide-eyed look and say simply, "I thought you weren't coming?"

You say you want to addres the balance of power - start taking a bit of control.

Horrid Henry. Thanks. You're right. I've given up on mutual nights out. I've got a friend who I go put with who ive known forever and is totally on my wave length.

deadgood
All of what you said is so,so true.
I should have followed your advice. Except I've only just read yours and Henry posts.
After my last post (11th)be came home and I was expecting the worst. But he came in and kissed me and said sorry and of course he wanted to come away with me. He loves me.
Couple of days of it being fine. Sitting together and holidays plans.
Then tonight,I blew it
Came in from work. I felt unwell. Long hot journey home (again )
I came in and he made a sarcastic joke
. I said not now I'm tired, hot, feel sick and then he went back to being his usual blanking me. Made me feel all anxious again

What you said was true. I should have not mentioned the holl and gone by myself and let him stew. Its gone from last night all relaxed to tonight him back in charge and me with stomach in knots

Deadgood
I needed your bloody advice days ago.
I feel pathetic again tonight.
I fully admits I came home in a bad and stressed mood but without being mean,he would be a million times worse than me if he worked and did what I do. He has a maximum 15 car journey home. He could walk it. I travel halfway across the city. Not his fault of course but I have absolutely no choice. He would not,in a million years
,do what I do.

And yea,I completely need to redress the balance and take some control

Sounds like you have a,bad deal, workwise, and take it out on him?

Can you look for another job?

Have you gone away yet?
If not, could you go out on your own tonight? See a film.
Maybe you need to re-cast your role. Adopt a "school teacher" vibe when he's being a dick. If he accuses you of anything, shy him down, think "firm but fair". Don't enter into back-and-forth arguments - simply say your piece with confidence, and make statements. Don't end your sentences with question marks or ellipses, end them with full stops. Does that make sense?

Slim shady. I 100% have a bad deal work wise!I don't take it out on him though. I rarely mention it. I sometimes feel annoyed that hes not sympathetic. If he had to do what i did then I wouldn't hear the end of it
I can't change my job as anyway else I went to work would be as bad as I work in a big city. I get paid well and without retraining I wouldn't earn as much. Unless I relocated to a quieter place

Deafgood
Not going away till Aug.
I've been at work again. More overtime.
I agree about the teacher role a d i javw adopted that at times!!it sepwnds what frame of mind I'm in. Last night I felt like a bloody victim
Tonight I've been normal. I agree that your approach may be best. Just matter of fact and calm.
I'm a bit reluctant at the min to go off and do my own thing as I've been working so much and I haven't seem my dc much. So when I'm off I want to see them

Excuse typos!!

OP, I just RTFT and running through my mind was - could he be taking supplements such as T3 (liothyronine) or steroids?
You say he’s fit and slim which is one of the myriad reasons some men
take T3 - to ‘cut in.'
I take T3 for a medical condition and I know from experience that if I take a smidgen over then I am snappy, sarky and ready to start ww3.