Is it unreasonable to have high expectations?

[EastMidsMumOf1]

My dh thinks Im a snob because I hate living in a shit area and having to send my dd to a shit school. I know kids dont care about these things and Im sure my dd will still have a equally happy childhood, but happiness doesn't conquer all. The school she is due to start in September has awful ofsted reports, none of the kids speak English(72% to be exact), there are students leaving every week and new ones starting as they are predominantly Roma Gypsy kids so always on the move and they only have an interim headteacher. I never chose the area I live in as I was in a hostel before hand so something was better than nothing, although it was never meant to be long term here I am after nearly 3 years stuck in a cess pit of an area and having to send my daughter to an equally cess pit-y school with the dregs of society. I just wanted better for her, is this so wrong and snobby?

Ok personally in your shoes I'd put my child down on good/excellent school waiting lists. I'd keep her at home till a place was gained, even if it took 6 months or what ever. You don't have to take the school place, you could temporarily home educate her.

Your DH can choose not to move. You can choose to wait it out till you get a place in a school you like. That way you can keep saving for a mortgage and reflect on the needs of the family.

I never said they are up to no good because they cant speak English but they're turnt a blind eye to by police because of it which isnt their fault, if they arent being shown its wrong how would they know? But it still doesn't justify it. Attempting to break into houses is wrong in any culture. This isnt all about finances either, my dh doesnt want to leave, thats my main problem. I could put off saving for a mortage, I could use the savings I have for application fees and Id some how have to scrape everything together for rent each month but without my DH on board Im stuck. Thank you to the pps who have given kind words and advice. I understand that some people may of been dealt a hard hand in life but its no justification for the actions of some of the kids in this area.

Am I legally able to do that Squished? If so then thats something Ill be looking in to. The problem is I know the familys of the kids Im talking about, they all live on my street and street adjacent to mine. I have to ring the police on them atleast a few times a month, the last time was when a woman ran out in the street with a baby in her arms whilst her partner was fighting with her and trying to grab the baby, the police came and left within minutes - no arrests, nothing. This is the same family whose children attempt to get into my house. Nothing is done to help these people and so the problems continue. But it will not change the fact I want my dd growing up seeing this kind of thing, whoevers fault it is.

*dont want!

Then you have a problem that you need to sort out with your DH. I can't imagine he can't see that it's not an ideal situation for his daughter to be brought up in.
He shouldn't call you a snob but tbh if you talk to him the way you do on here then yea maybe he has a point. It's not really because you're a snob though is it? It's because you're scared and angry and worried about your daughter. Talk to him about that and make a plan together
You and your daughters well being are more important than his brother and that's the way it is when you're married and have a family.
Worst case scenario you go it alone and move without him have you considered that?

Its not his dd although he does treat her as his own. And with all due respect, Im not used to being pounced on from all angles but maybe I could of been abit more dignified in my responses to some PPs instead of fuelling the fire. I havent considered moving without him and I dont think I could make him choose between me and his DBro, if anything happened to him Id never forgive myself. But I will ask dh if his dbro would consider moving to be closer to us.

Shes not its*

Have you spoken to your DH about his MH? I suspect that he's extremely stressed since he's got the only income from his own business, he's got to care for his brother, he's got to financially provide for his wife and a child that's not his, all the while the wife is complaining to him day in and day out about everything.

Does he feel trapped? Is he spiralling due to this situation? I'm surprised he hasn't had a meltdown yet. There are so many stressors in his life and there really isn't anyone to support him, to be his rock, now is there?

I think you have to suck it up. The only one responsible for you and your daughter's well being is yourself. If your DH was to divorce you, where would that leave you two?

Op I've not read the full thread but think I've read enough to understand your struggles. It's very tough pulling yourself out of a bad place.

If I were you (and I say it as someone without MH difficulties so perhaps entirely irrelevant) I would focus strongly on recovering my mental health. I would study for a qualification from the comfort of my own home, for something that I could do from home (I studied bookkeeping when I was a young single parent with a disability and on benefits and now work from home providing bookkeeping services to my clients) and then I would look to get a job (or clients).

Your DD is not yet at full time school, it is unlikely nursery/reception and year 1 are going to have a lasting impact on her so I would aim to get a full time job/enough hours work for when she starts nursery or reception with the aim to change area by the time she starts year 2.

I'd also be brutal and cut ties with anyone trying to hold me back from this, if I were in your shoes and DH didn't want to move them I would move without him. I'm not suggesting benefits as a lifestyle but there would possibly be some help until you get back on your feet a bit better.

Be kind to yourself OP. But also be kind to other people's situations for you also don't know how they ended up there

Sorry if this has already been suggested or a ridiculous idea

Could Dbro move in with you in a new area? Or is his schizophrenia such that it would be unsuitable he lives with you?

BadHatter he wants to be the provider, even when I worked he supported us financially whilst I saved but thats just how hes been brought up and has never complained about doing so. When we moved here we agreed it would only be temporary but after nearly 3 years he still has no plans on leaving.

I know my choice of words are bad wrong but when they terrorise the hell out of us and make me feel unsafe in my own home after being let down by police so many times Im at the end of my tether, regardless of what someones been through they shouldnt attempt to break into someones house at every oppurtunity they get. They also climb over the neighbours shed roof then through my dds window into the house, scream like banshees then jump back out into their own gardens again. Its awful. But no dbro wouldnt be able to live with us, his episodes are too dangerous and I think living with someone who also struggles with MH would exacerbate his condition as with my mum, I think we would clash.

Is this behaviour their "culture"? I thought it was a bunch of badly behaved kids terrorising the law abiding neighbours yet when the police are called they turn a blind a eye because they cant speak English.

I never said they are up to no good because they cant speak English but they're turnt a blind eye to by police because of it which isnt their fault, if they arent being shown its wrong how would they know? But it still doesn't justify it. Attempting to break into houses is wrong in any culture.

So which is it, OP? A handful of bad eggs who you believe get off lightly, or a whole group with a common culture and language that are the dregs of society? You must think it's a pretty large proportion to want to actually move to avoid them.

They they they they they they they. Who are you thinking of when you say 'they'?

Your language says a lot.

Seriously, everyone: live where the op lives and then see what it does to your certainties. Op is clearly struggling with MH issues that are not made easier by the neighbourhood she lives in. The children in the neighbourhood and the school clearly need support and investment but that is not the op's responsibility.
Op, hope you get well enough and strong enough soon to get away from your difficult situation.

strikealight
I think the way the OP is speaking about people as the dregs of society has caused people to pick up a snobby view (that she's admitted her DH has also commented on).

I wouldn't send my own kids to the school I outlined earlier, but I would NEVER call my students there the dregs of society. Most of them were lovely with the odds stacked against them. It's the OP'S attitude that is rubbing people up the wrong way.

She is in a position to move to another area, but doesn't want to because she can't buy a house.

There's going to need to be a productive discussion with her DH and at some point she will need to decide if it's a deal breaker. It's a really rubbish situation but if her and her DH differ so much on it, that is a talk that needs to happen.

I think lots of posters are being total hypocrites having a go at OP for not wanting to live in an area that they probably wouldn't even drive through. It's very easy to be holier than thou at a distance, but when you are actually living with weekly criminality, drunkenness and neighbours who don't hold to society's usual standards then it feels like you're constantly under attack. (And I say this having lived somewhere dodgy but nowhere near as bad)

For God's sake - MN frequently has threads about parking wars, issues with bins, and neighbours who dare to mow their lawn after 6pm and those OPs don't get treated half as badly as this one has. I imagine those posters wouldn't be impressed if the neighbourhood kids were out after dark, never mind if they were out trying to break into people's houses!

OP - I understand that your mental health is important, but your posts about flashbacks show that living in such an environment is actively triggering for you. Would it be possible to reduce the intensity (and the cost) of your current sessions in order to invest that cash into moving to an area which isn't so detrimental to your mental health?

Agree, oneflew. The hypocrisy is ridiculous.

Dixie I never called Roma Gypsys dregs of society its the bloody PC brigade twisting my post completely. For the last time, I said some of the kids in this area (white black brown purple or fucking irridescent) are dregs of society NOT Romas in general. Ans also "they they they" do I really need to answer that question obviously Im talking about the kids who are causing problems on a daily basis, is that such a hard concept to grasp?

OneFlew - unfortunately even if I reduced my treatment I still dont know if I could get DH on board, although I think hes sticking his heels in out of principle now. He isnt here most of the time, the road he used to live on in the area was basically a street full of his family, he never had these issues 20 odd years ago and on that particular street there is very little anti social behaviour. Ive asked him to take 3 weeks off work during the 6 weeks hols as last year the kids were out in full force every single day, maybe then he will open his eyes to the fact that the area is not what it was 20 years ago.

If I was in your position I would want to move as soon as possible. It's easy to be PC about situations like this if you're not the one living with it! Work on convincing your DH, look at possible better places to live which are near enough to his brother even if you have to live in a flat or one bedroom place for a while.

Op

I think what you have survived makes you completely incredible. You used an unfortunate choice of words, I'd guess because you can't get your dh to listen to your point and are very frustrated and just want people to get it. People on here do like a good froth sometimes. Far easier to get outraged at someone using an inappropriate word than, you know, a survivor of horrendous sexual abuse being left to pick up the pieces of their shattered life. And telling you just to get a job when I'd imagine you're severely traumatised and simply trying to keep your head above water, well some people have no clue do they? Lucky them. It saddens me when we've only just had Three Girls on the television and so many people watched it and professed to be outraged.

I simply cannot imagine surviving what you have and then being stuck in the same area plus feeling under threat from general crime which isn't being controlled. You must get so many flashbacks and be bloody terrified about your daughter's future.

I think krispiesquare's advice is excellent. If you can study from home and save now that would help a lot. You might be eligible for some funding with your studies but i'm not an expert in that. Nothing wrong AT ALL with wanting to live in a safe area. I think you'd see a noticeable improvement in your mental health tbh. You must be being triggered constantly at present.

This is what the bastards did on the weekend to get into my garden. LL replacing the gate this week hopefully with an electric fence

Is it possible the neighbour's know how you feel about them and that you refer to them as the dregs of society? They're hardly going to respect you or your property if you disrespect them so much. Doesn't excuse their behaviour but if you believe you're better than all the neighbour's on the estate and let them know, it's not going to end well for you.