Is it unreasonable to have high expectations?

[EastMidsMumOf1]

My dh thinks Im a snob because I hate living in a shit area and having to send my dd to a shit school. I know kids dont care about these things and Im sure my dd will still have a equally happy childhood, but happiness doesn't conquer all. The school she is due to start in September has awful ofsted reports, none of the kids speak English(72% to be exact), there are students leaving every week and new ones starting as they are predominantly Roma Gypsy kids so always on the move and they only have an interim headteacher. I never chose the area I live in as I was in a hostel before hand so something was better than nothing, although it was never meant to be long term here I am after nearly 3 years stuck in a cess pit of an area and having to send my daughter to an equally cess pit-y school with the dregs of society. I just wanted better for her, is this so wrong and snobby?

90 minutes twice a week sounds like a lot. I'm not surprised you're struggling it sounds like you are constantly in fight or flight mode and you're not thinking straight.
Maybe look at the intensity of this therapy and whether it's getting the results you want. It sounds like you could do with someone to talk and listen more than anything else

So which is it op? A dozen excuses why you can't move or improve your situation or just convincing your dh to move house?

Intolerant of different cultures? Is this behaviour their "culture"? I thought it was a bunch of badly behaved kids terrorising the law abiding neighbours yet when the police are called they turn a blind a eye because they cant speak English. Does that give them the carte blanche do commit crime just because they cant speak the language? Just because I mentioned their race doesnt mean Im intolerable of them in entirety.

Whatever you think of the people in your community, your situation is not their fault. Getting riled up about it isn't going to get you anywhere. Put your energy into making some positive changes for yourself

I'm sorry you've had a rough time OP. I think you really need to move to a better place. I'd be combining your current rent and all the money you are paying for therapy that doesn't sound too successful and using it for a private let in a nice area with good schools. I think this would improve your MH and give your daughter a better start. I can't imagine what difference it makes for your DH whether he lives a couple of neighbourhoods away from his family. He can't be providing all that much support if he is away 6 days a week.

The treatment is hard Convincing my DH to move because whether I had the money or not DH would still wouldnt want to move which is what I originally said in my OP. Oh come on, my situation isnt their fault? So whos to blame for their shitty behaviour? Is it my fault for being so intolerable for not wanting kids climbing through my windows?

I totally agree with the post above from @iamyourequal basically what I said earlier on here. What is this agreement you have with your ex? Can you move perhaps an hour or two away? Can social services amend it somehow?

He takes his dbro with him alot of the time, hes self employed. I think its more DHs fear of not being just round the corner from him in case of emergency.

I'm sure the treatment is hard, because 90 mins twice a week is very intense. Are you sure your therapist is reputable and not drawing out the treatment? Isn't EMDR supposed to be a short treatment plan?
No it's not their fault that you can't handle living there, or that you have PTSD, or that you hate them. How is getting angry and ranting racist crap on here going to improve your situation?

Yanbu wanting to move. Sounds hideous. However for the meantime it sounds like you have to stay. Once you finish treatment and get a job then I think your dh would be unreasonable not to consider moving, although it must be hard for him with his brother. If I was in his shoes I'd be really torn.

However, in the meantime you have to start making plans about how you can offset some of the awfulness of your area. Read about how to best support your child's education, get involved in the school, find a brownie pack or something that is the closest nicest area where she will meet other people.

Starting to think about positive steps you can take might help, until you can move.

The problem here is your attitude. You ended up in a deprived area after being in a hostel and an unfortunate time.. as did many of these people. I'm not understanding your superiority complex here or issue with gypsies etc.
You are no better than anyone else here and to be honest your view of the area and school will not do dd any favours. Accept the place and see the positives or leave the area.

Op youre not unreasonable in wanting to move. You need to have a plan. That means getting yourself back to work and getting your husband sufficiently trained / educated in his field that he is earning more.

If my husband refused to leave an area in which im so unhappy, high crime and dangerous, i would be leaving without him.

OP TBH it doesn't matter whether it's their fault or your fault or whatever.

The important bit here is how you are feeling about where you live.
Ive noticed that you are saying your DH takes his dbro with him and that he is self employed.
Is there any possibility that your DH could leave a little bit further and still go and pick his dbro up?
Or for his dbro to move close to you too once you have moved?

Only read the first page....Op, your language and tone...not very noble yourself, are you?

First, hold yourself to these "high" standards that everyone else, you know, the dregs of society, are failing in your view.

Is this post/thread a put-on?

I have the emdr for 8 weeks then pyscotherapy for 12 weeks then a break then back to emdr. Whos at fault for their bad behaviour? Whos fault is it that the police wont deal with them because they cant speak English and we live in a destitute area? Not once have I generalized. I clearly stated I have a problem with the rogues area who cause endless hassle for the neighbours that are decent. Not the whole Roma gypsy community. If I was talking about white british born kids you would all be singing a different tune. What right has anyone got of any race to go around in their gangs terrorising people?

And the issue isn't about being better than anyone else either TBH.

It's totally OK to want to move from an area you are not confortable in. Even if there is no violence or robbery etc...
Most poeple will tell you that you sometimes move in an area and that realise you just don't fit in and this is not the place for you.

I don't think that talking about it on terms of being better or worse than them, being above them or in terms of race or culture or nationality is helping, or changing the situation.

Fwiw, I think your DH will struggle to see the issue because he has always lived there. He slowly got used to the situations getting worse and worse and this is what he sees as NORMAL. Normal to him and his experience.
But not normal to you and your experiences in a much better area.

I dont have a filter for what I think - it comes out exactly as it is in my head. Rightly or wrongly its just part and parcel of ASD. Im going to speak to dh when hes back from work about moving dbro closer to us if we move.

East I get that you are angry at the situation because you just can't see away out of a crap situation.

But trying to find someone at fault isn't going to help you.
Forget about them. Forget about the why's and the how's and the unfairness of it all. Because you won't be able to change that in the very close future.
But you do need to change your living arrangements in the close future. Or this will destroy your marriage.

Do you think that the psychotherapy could help you getting some clarity too as you are working through some other issues?

Honestly I dont think of them as lower than me but Im not doing anyone any harm in this situation. Im angry at those who cause me problems on a daily basis, race is irrelevant. Im worried cos these are the same kids who attend my dds soon to be school. Im worried that this area is left to its own devices and if my dd was ever to have a problem it would never be resolved due to the failings of the police.

And Im really trying to but when Ive got my DH calling me a snob and the majority of MN basically agreeing I feel I dont have a leg to stand on. If I thought I was being that snobby I would just put up with it, I just wanted some affirmation that I wasnt being a snob, my OP wasnt the best worded post of my life but it was mid-argument with DH.

YANBU to want a better future for your children.

YABU to refer to people as the dregs if society.

YANBU to have an issue with antisocial behaviour.

YABU to decide that speaking English as an additional langauge means they're up to no good and don't want anything for their education etc.

Ultimately, you can either do something to improve your situation or you need to make the best of it.

Just remember that all the people you're busy judging may well have all sorts you don't know about

OP - I think you have been given a really hard time on this thread because you didn't choose the 'best' words to describe your situation without coming across as 'snobbery'. But from the start I understood EXACTLY what you mean.

I know you have an eye on a particular neighbourhood that costs a lot, but sometimes we have to bite the bullet and think in the short term, a child's education is far more important than owning a house.
If renting in the area that you want means your daughter is secured a place (as best as you can) in a good school and you CANNOT save for a mortgage I personally would halt the mortgage ambitions temporarily, get your child into the school of choice by moving to the area you are looking at and once your child is at the school THEN look at renting elsewhere to enable you to save for a mortgage.
We all want to own our own homes but sometimes we have to prioritise what comes first. For me, ensuring my child has a good education trumps buying my own home. As long as your child has a roof over their head, is warm, dry and comfortable that's all that matters for the time being.
for your rough start to adulthood. You've obviously done amazingly well to hurl yourself out of a traumatic period of your life.

If all these kids are so bad, and will all be leaving needles in the school sandpit, dealing black market crayola, book bag snatching, pe kit jacking and speaking in foreign tongues when the teachers tell them to cease their dregish behaviour, then clearly no amount of expectation or pity parties will change that op.

So prioritise your finances and move already.

Right, possibly about to put myself but I feel VERY strongly about this.

I work in the local secondary school to your area. I realise you're talking about primary, but please hear me out.

We have an awful OFSTED report. We have 80% EAL. We have a few very troubled kids.
BUT that is a tiny part of what we are.

I see kids who have awful home lives trying really hard every day. I have kids that can speak 4 languages brilliantly. I have a Roma child who donated his entire pocket money to a charity appeal recently.

The area can be dire, but it's also amazing. There's a youth centre near you that dies wonderful work in the community. There's so much culture around there too.

They are not dregs. I completely respect your need to move and make sure your daughter has a great life, but they are not dregs. Some of them are as damaged by life as you and I.

Now if someone could teach me how to name change that be swell 😂

Well said TheZeppo
I've also worked in schools that the OP would consider to he full of the dregs of society. But you know what, doors were always held open for me, lads would offer to carry my stuff to my car (before going home and getting into bother with the cops). The parents wanted better for their kids than they had and social issues meant the odds were stacked against the kids.

I'll never forget being stopped a couple of years back by a student I taught there. I couldn't place her because she looked so different. She stopped me in a shop and said 'miss. I know you won't recognise me but it's Charly. I got my C and now I'm training to be a manager'.

We're there awfully behaved kids there? Sure. But would I trade my life experiences for their's? Not a chance.
bangingmyheadoffabrickwall puts it well. If here is so awful then sacrifice owning your own home and move to another area for a while. You cant have everything in life. We're deciding size of house vs proximity to reasonable schools. There'll be a compromise because that's life.