Separated fathers not paying maintenance

[Pankhurst09]

My separated husband has been paying maintenance for almost 2 years. I have done everything to keep things settled for my children. I've even pushed for access, encouraged it. I eventually drew the line when he had yet another social outing on his night (we have no other childcare) and I said, no, sorry, I have something else planned. He went anyway, again, and blamed me for not seeing our children and used the fact that I had a night out as reason to stop paying maintenance for his children.

So, I have learned that;
1; I must tow the line
2; I must tow the line
3; I must tow the line

4;I can't tow the line, it's not in me to... tow the line!!!!

BUT, if I don't tow the line, here's the deal.

In the UK I feel utterly let down as the main care giver, I feel trapped and under represented and at the mercy of our outdated, misogynistic court system.

I will tell you why. I have no faith, none whatsoever in a system that should protect our most vulnerable and ensure that their stable existence remains that way.

I'm going to go on anecdotal for now as that is all I have, and it terrifies me. I'm not stupid though, I've researched the courts stance, past cases etc... to give myself a reasonable grounding of the reality but the scary thing is, it still seems to remain somewhat of a lottery! A lottery for my children and your children and their security and welfare!

I have many anecdotal stories from friends/acquaintances that all sing the same tune, "the judge wasn't interested", "hadn't read the notes". "It's all about the fathers rights". "They don't care if they leave you in financial hardship". "The children's views were not taken into consideration"

My husband walked out on me and our two children, two years ago! I was devastated, dumbfounded, on my knees! BUT I had to keep going, I had no choice. I NEVER stopped him seeing them. I was told of cheating etc... I asked for mediation which he refused. I went through the mill and so did my children despite his refusal to acknowledge it. This is where it could get messy. 2 sides to every story, of course there is. What I believe to be non negotiators are;
1; unconditional love ❤️
2; unconditional support

If both mum and dad adhere to these very simple rules the children no matter what will feel secure.

Fathers in the UK at the moment can STOP payments without warning, without recourse. That is utterly wrong. If you want unconditional access then you should be accountable. You expect unconditional love from your children, they have not asked to be in this situation therefore you should return the unconditional love... and support. Yes, go through CSA etc... BUT that takes time and a fight and results in emotional damage to both the main care giver and children. When will the system protect the children? When we all say enough is enough.

Feeling very let down. My sole mortgage application was just about completed and has been ruined as he just 'decided' to stop paying any maintenance. The system sucks and needs a complete overhaul to protect our children. Where would my children be if I just 'decided' to stop caring for or paying for them?

Yanbu

My ex didn't pay a penny for mine, yet I still tried for him to have a relationship with them, eventually he disappeared and none of us knew where he was for 8 years,

The CSA were involved, they nearly bankrupted me and had us out on the streets when they started deducting my money to give to him!

feckless fathers and mothers, if they don't want to pay they will find a way not to and they seem to have the law on their side, as soon as my kids turned 18 but still in full time education the CSA wrote to me to say case closed .. he will never be held accountable

The new CMS service is just as bad. I phoned yesterday after a missed payment (and a history of lies and skipped payments). There advice consisted of telling me to stick to a family based arrangement, as it is best for my child's mental health, but use their form to set it out instead of text message. They'll phone me in a month to see how it goes.

This was after a 20 minute phone call where I detailed how verbally abusive and manipulative ex is, described how he does not want to communicate via text let alone in person, explained how csa tried for years to get him to pay on his own before a deduction from earnings order was put in place.

Yanbu.

Why do fathers get to shirk the responsibility of providing for their child? I don't have that choice, if I don't provide for DS he doesn't get, yet if ex doesn't it's just expected that I'll pick up the slack. Child contact shouldn't be based on maintenance but if a parent cannot fufil their parental responsibilities should they have parental rights? Sometimes I don't think so.

I don't understand it at all tbh.
I feel for you.
If you as the Rp decided today to not feed/clothe/provide for your children/pay for them to be transported to school etc etc how long would it be before you lost your children forever (and probably got a pretty jail sentence to go along with it).
Why are NRPs (usually men) allowed to get away with this?!??

"Without recourse"

If there is a CMS assessment or a court order there are man methods of enforcement to choose from.

My ex didn't pay either.

Maybe a few sporadic payments through the CSA after months of fuckwittery and a DOE order but mostly nothing.

I was able to quit his job and has been on JSA now for years.

Ok so stop towing the line. Contact CMS. Don't let him see the kids until he pays. Announce on social media that he doesn't pay and cancelled because he wanted to bully you into cancelling prior plans.

You are right that it's too easy to stop financially supporting a child both as a RP and NRP as both know the state will pick up the tab. There should be strict time limits on state help and more penalties for parents that won't support a chid.

You are wrong though re access and money, the two are kept separate for very good reasons. Children are not pay per view.

Yes nothing to stop job-hopping. The CMS couldn't even deduct £7 per fortnight directly from XH's JSA. Computer error and that's supposedly the easiest way to enforce payment.

The system is wrong. So many people think CMS will ensure maintenance is paid (and the right amount of maintenance ) but unless you have been through the CMS then you have no idea how incompetent or in favour of the NRP they actually are.

Here is an example
I had my tax credits claim checked due to previous tenant not changing address on his catalogue account.
I had to provide 6 months bank statements, utilities bills , divorce papers, even phone bills.

In order to assess my ex husbands income for a maintenance amount they used a wage slip produced by his girlfriend as they run a business from home together and he claims he is just an employee instead of joint business owner. So no bank statements were asked for, the only thing they used to assess his income is wage slips produced by his girlfriend who he lives and works with and surprise surprise he earns a very low amount

This is a loophole many NRP use when they work for a family business or their partner and they get away with it.

So why is it one govt dept required all that information off me to check my claim but in assessing a weekly child maintenance figure then a piece of paper off a partner is considered suffice!

It's absolutely crazy and no MP wants to talk about the issue of CMS (apart from Caroline Lucas) as they don't want to upset male voters

Collaborate

There might be many methods but the csa and cms and unwilling to use them. As this thread shows!

Sorry to hear you've been through this.

Not all men are bastards.

My DH has always paid maintenance for dsd, every payday without fail it's his first outgoing. The figure is above what the cms would take and he pays extra for school trips/ classes and paid all nursery fees before dsd started school even though ex has not worked for ten years. Over seven years he has done every single pick up/drop off, turned up and been stood at the door with no one home because ex 'forgot' the time, chased for contact when his ex decided not to answer the phone.

Despite this he is still the devil incarnate because he left when ex wouldn't drop contact with the man she cheated with.

Your post isn't clear regarding whether you've contacted cms. They may be crap but i don't think you have any other choice.

There might be many methods but the csa and cms and unwilling to use them. As this thread shows!

Ah yes, there's the problem. CMS can enforce, but choose to do little or nothing, or do things so slowly to be completely ineffective. If instead you have court ordered maintenance you remain in charge of all enforcement. Only last week I recovered £16k for a client in maintenance arrears. CMS wouldn't have had a clue.

I disagree that payment of maintenance should be a separate issue to contact. A resident parent who stopped providing financially for their child would be guilty of neglect. Why is this not true of non resident parents?

YANBU. I was having a rant to a friend about this yesterday having just found out my ex who has been claiming to be earning less than minimum wage for the last 6 years has somehow managed to buy a house, cash. I have now reported the scumbag to HMRC for tax evasion, I don't expect anything will come of it as I have no proof but it made me feel better. I literally think these nrp's who evade maintenance have hearts of stone. What kind of human being doesn't care if their own child goes hungry? I will never understand it. As you say OP, we're talking about the provision of the most vulnerable people in our society, it's a fucking travesty that it's still possible to get away with this and I am going to be writing to my mp and anyone else that will listen as soon as I have a bit of time which is not easy to come by since I'm working all bloody hours to keep a roof over our heads.

My Ex doesn't pay but I couldn't give two hoots. As far as I'm concerned, the payments are one less thing for him to beat me with. He was an absolute bully. He played on my pnd, tried to exacerbate it, stole, lied, cheated, mentally abused me and ended up getting sectioned himself after attending suicide and trying to take my child when he did it.

Throughout the whole lot, I did everything the Court said. Access was always available, this turned to supervise access and eventually he went no contact. He has now given permission so we could change my childs surname and he has given permission for my DH to obtain parental responsibility.

I cannot fault the Court in this situation. The Judge was brilliant. I'd found emails from my ex to a girl on Fbook and he had said to her that he had researched this Judge and he was a massive activist for Dads Rights. He read the emergency application I made, approved it and set a date for a residence order hearing. Ex didn't show and Judge ordered full residence to me with supervised weekly contact. He didn't show to any contact.

He used to say to others that I stopped him access etc and was using my child as a pawn etc so I knew if I took him for money, those lies would continue. He never had his own money and happily spent mine but always said it was his. I can now say I've provided my child with everything he needs and even having a savings pot for him. He has played no significant part in his life and it's all his own doing.

I disagree that payment of maintenance should be a separate issue to contact. A resident parent who stopped providing financially for their child would be guilty of neglect. Why is this not true of non resident parents?

So you presumably agree that a father who is prevented from seeing his children can get away without paying maintenance? Because to think otherwise would make you a hypocrite.

Why is this not a criminal offence on a par with neglect? Is there a petition for this that can be signed? It's an absolute disgrace

I hear you OP. And as a taxpayer, I am sick and tired of subsidising fathers who won't support their families so that the mother has to draw benefits.

If I ruled the world I'd make all men pay an extra 1% on income tax to cover their deadbeat 'brothers' (and all the male violence that costs our society so much). The good men, who work hard to support their families, would soon exert pressure on the shirkers then!

I'm with you op. I can't believe that we let men get away with this time and time again.

If I ruled the world, I'd order them to pay for half the cost of raising the child. Nonpayment? Remove driving licence, then passport and third time it's prison. And it costs so much for a prison place - but you'd only have to do it to the first few, before the rest decided to pay.

I've never understood why my ex (who fecked off, dodged child support and ignored DS for 9 years) can't be held accountable for neglect.

I would if I buggered off.

We both would if we'd buggered off together.

Why do they get away with it?

Courts default position should just give 50/50 residence then no issue with maintenance either

It's ridiculous isn't it. My ex says he loves his son and that's all he needs - er, no mate, he needs food, clothes, heating and hot water, a roof over his head etc. When I bring up maintenance he accuses me of only having a baby to get money from him. Tried going through the CMS, but he's working cash in hand so as far as they're concerned he has no income,

The worst is this week he offered to start paying - and then demanded to be able to have our DS for a whole day (court order is 2 hours supervised a week) and for me and DS to go on holiday with him! I said no and surprise surprise, he's not given me a penny.

Fucking shameful behaviour.

Oh and my DS is 2 and has never had a card or present for his birthday or Christmas from his dad, but dad will show up to contact with loads of toys he's bought for him - and then takes them back with him.