Separated fathers not paying maintenance

[Pankhurst09]

My separated husband has been paying maintenance for almost 2 years. I have done everything to keep things settled for my children. I've even pushed for access, encouraged it. I eventually drew the line when he had yet another social outing on his night (we have no other childcare) and I said, no, sorry, I have something else planned. He went anyway, again, and blamed me for not seeing our children and used the fact that I had a night out as reason to stop paying maintenance for his children.

So, I have learned that;
1; I must tow the line
2; I must tow the line
3; I must tow the line

4;I can't tow the line, it's not in me to... tow the line!!!!

BUT, if I don't tow the line, here's the deal.

In the UK I feel utterly let down as the main care giver, I feel trapped and under represented and at the mercy of our outdated, misogynistic court system.

I will tell you why. I have no faith, none whatsoever in a system that should protect our most vulnerable and ensure that their stable existence remains that way.

I'm going to go on anecdotal for now as that is all I have, and it terrifies me. I'm not stupid though, I've researched the courts stance, past cases etc... to give myself a reasonable grounding of the reality but the scary thing is, it still seems to remain somewhat of a lottery! A lottery for my children and your children and their security and welfare!

I have many anecdotal stories from friends/acquaintances that all sing the same tune, "the judge wasn't interested", "hadn't read the notes". "It's all about the fathers rights". "They don't care if they leave you in financial hardship". "The children's views were not taken into consideration"

My husband walked out on me and our two children, two years ago! I was devastated, dumbfounded, on my knees! BUT I had to keep going, I had no choice. I NEVER stopped him seeing them. I was told of cheating etc... I asked for mediation which he refused. I went through the mill and so did my children despite his refusal to acknowledge it. This is where it could get messy. 2 sides to every story, of course there is. What I believe to be non negotiators are;
1; unconditional love ❤️
2; unconditional support

If both mum and dad adhere to these very simple rules the children no matter what will feel secure.

Fathers in the UK at the moment can STOP payments without warning, without recourse. That is utterly wrong. If you want unconditional access then you should be accountable. You expect unconditional love from your children, they have not asked to be in this situation therefore you should return the unconditional love... and support. Yes, go through CSA etc... BUT that takes time and a fight and results in emotional damage to both the main care giver and children. When will the system protect the children? When we all say enough is enough.

Feeling very let down. My sole mortgage application was just about completed and has been ruined as he just 'decided' to stop paying any maintenance. The system sucks and needs a complete overhaul to protect our children. Where would my children be if I just 'decided' to stop caring for or paying for them?

llangennith so true. We often end up rich in other ways.

Fux I maybe didn't choose my words wisely there. I agree with you, I wouldn't change a thing, no money will ever make me change my morals, my outlook or my commitment to my children. I'm sorry, I didn't mean you were too kind in a patronising way, I meant it in an empowerment sort of way. Good on you for doing it your way. I also have to make the point though, you were fantastic, you held it together, BUT why as a society did we not see something wrong with that?! As a mother, possibly sister, aunt, cousin, why did we not see fit as a society to say, we actually don't care if you are a "nice person" (as you called your ex) you have responsibilities, deal with them! Where were the parents, sister, brothers, cousins of this chancer? As low gravity said, no one wants to get involved. No one wanted to get involved in rape cases, no one wanted to get involved in domestic violence, no one wanted to get involved. Society HAD to change, the court system HAD to change. It's time this nonsense ineffective system changed.

The CMS worked brilliantly for me. I was being massively underpaid by my ex's calculations and they got him to pay twice the amount. It took a couple of months to process. I think if everything the Nrp earns is on a P60 it's relatively straightforward. When people are self employed it all gets much trickier.

IIl- on one hand I'm high fiving you on the other I'm thinking about my daughters. And I'm not judging you, I'm doing the same, I'm maintaining contact. But I'm struggling, I'm really struggling with teaching right from wrong and accountability and non accountability.

Running my ex has just went self employed in the last month and payments have stopped 🤔It's a finance business so they do this but it's just made me feel a bit sick there to think this has actually been planned. God I am so naive 😬

I will never understand a parent who thinks it is ok to walk away from their responsibilities toward their child - never. How can it ever be right that becoming self employed excuses financial support of your kids?

You will be the victor in the end Pankhurst morally, if not financially.

What is the way forward? I don't know? He's left me in debt, ruined my mortgage application for our children's future. He's paid nothing this month, It's their holidays, they will suffer. What do I do? There is no quick fix? Is there? I'm more angry about the wider problem. The injustice of the entire situation I find myself and my children in it is making me want to do more, to find out more, to start a petition, to lobby MP's to bloody march on my own if need be. I'm so mad and angry that, 'this' 'this' is the bloody pathetic system we are expected to bring our children up in. We wonder about societal problems, wayward teens, crime, etc etc... I do not want to be a statistic, I do not want my children to be a statistic. Divorce/separation is awful and damaging to children and often presents itself in teenage years, it does, but we cannot get away from the fact that this is the story for almost 50% of our children in the UK, when, when will we protect them. A Misogynistic system that protects fathers rights and ignores all maternal and child centred rights needs to be challenged. I don't buy it, not for one minute can you tell me 50/50 is in the best interest of a child, if I spend one night away my life feels chaotic, I am an adult, I have coping mechanisms a child does not. If I do not pay for my child, feed my child or have proper childcare arrangements in place I am accountable, why is the other parent not?! For me it would be neglect or abandonment, for the wayward parent, "ah well, other priorities" One month! One! And I'm disgusted! The system is an utter disgrace.

Fux- ❤️ Thank you. Genuinely it's not about financial! I will ensure my children always have what I can give. It's about what's right. We had a training day at work. Personality stuff/psychological etc... and my biggest factor in how to deal with me was my moral compass, I've always been the same. I cannot morally say as the mother of two daughters that behaviour is acceptable, I swear him and every penny can go up in smoke for the way he's treated us but I can't get past what's morally right. It could be my downfall right enough 😡👊🏻

I hear you, I wish I knew the answer. It's a crap situation thanks to the actions of someone who should know better and a system which fails us.

Fux- I want action, I need to know this is being taken forward. Genuinely I'm like a dog with a bone. People have reached out because I posted, they are in similar situtuations. This is not right. Perhaps I can't make a difference but I am going to try.

So long as you stay strong your DC won't suffer. It's really hard not to show your angst and fury but it's the only way really. Life will get better I promise you.

What do you all suggest? Media campaign? Don't allow this system to keep you down! If you stand with me I will start a petition, I willl contact others, we should not take this, it is not acceptable for our children

The money is not so you can have your nails done with diamond inserts, it is so your kids can be clothed, fed and financially supported. This attitude drives me nuts. It is all about control and it should be about the kids.

You keep saying 50% of how much it costs to raise a child forgeting that the nrp actully needs to house themselves unless you are suggesting that they should be able to live in the same house as the rp and should it be a set rate for how much it should cost or should it be based of life stlye etc

worrid mum - the NRP could live in a single room in a shared house. I did until I earned enough to get better housing. Many people do.

We're also talking about NRP parents who are working, and keeping all the money to themselves instead of supporting their children, for whom they are meant to be legally responsible. Instead they lie and steal that money from their kids. They're not poor homeless people struggling to get by. They're working adults with means. Of course they shouldn't neglect a child and deliberately leave them in poverty. They should pay to support them. That's what parents do when they live in the same house as their kids, why does moving out suddenly mean those children can be neglected and left without food, clothing etc? It's deliberate child abuse, not an accident.

The problem with a media campaign is the media are also highly misogynistic. This is an issue where only those affected actually care. The British public care more about protesting against the president of a country thousands of miles away whilst happily the ignoring the hungry child next door, as the previous petition showed. Hundreds of thousands of people signed a petition trying to keep trump from visiting the UK but couldn't be bothered theirselves to support uk children being forced into poverty. Says it all really.
Anyway, I have decided to to go for an appeal which means I'll have to stand up and state my case in a tribunal with zero evidence, however from what I understand a tribunal can force CMS to dig deeper re exes finances. I will be sure to come back and let you all know how it goes.

You keep saying 50% of how much it costs to raise a child forgetting that the nrp actually needs to house themselves

So? A RP also has to house theirselves and their children, many whilst paying 100% of the costs of raising their DC and physically caring for those dc. A NRP is free to take on more work, a RP isn't. Lifestyle costs shouldn't come in to it. Children don't cost any less because a NRP decides not to work. Like I said maintenance should be payable by the government and recouped form the NRP. Better they are in debt to the government than their kids going to bed hungry, no?

Not a problem I've had, but the stories I hear about CSA/CMS from clients are just dreadful.

One was told by CSA that they couldn't collect any money from her ex as he wasn't working or claiming benefits. She managed to get a screenshot of his FB page where he was boasting about being promoted at John Lewis in Milton Keynes ad send it to them. The self-employed ones all seem to fiddle the books, put businesses in new partner's names and "earn" a pittance in wages and so on.

I think they should hand over collecting the money to the people who are best at it: HMRC. They could do it based on previous years, like tax credits do, and collect it by adjusting the tax code for PAYE people. Then they could pay it to the RP along with the tax credits.

I'd love to see someone bankrupted for failing to pay maintenance. I certainly think repeat offenders should be locked up for a while.

Absolutely Madwoman it is about control.

Worridmum- I agree with what kickass said. I used the term 50/50 but less face it, it would never be 50/50 because parents usually fathers have very little accountability in this country, if any.

Low gravity- All so very true. Depressing isn't it. I'm really shocked at how vulnerable woman and children are after finding myself in this situation. Best of luck with the tribunal. I really hope you get the right outcome. I would be really interested to hear how you get on.

Low gravity I also agree with your point that maintenance should automatically be payed to the government. This system places the children and resident parent in a very vulnerable situation.

Lake- yes there definitely needs to be a better system in place and penalties for those who don't adhere to the rules.

*lets not less.

It's funny how the reality of the situation kicks in in the light of day. I am not marching round the streets on my own with a plaquard, I'm making pancakes, well heating them up 🙄 That's the problem with the system too, we are too busy, downtrodden and kept in our place by the way things are at the moment. It is depressing.