Separated fathers not paying maintenance

[Pankhurst09]

My separated husband has been paying maintenance for almost 2 years. I have done everything to keep things settled for my children. I've even pushed for access, encouraged it. I eventually drew the line when he had yet another social outing on his night (we have no other childcare) and I said, no, sorry, I have something else planned. He went anyway, again, and blamed me for not seeing our children and used the fact that I had a night out as reason to stop paying maintenance for his children.

So, I have learned that;
1; I must tow the line
2; I must tow the line
3; I must tow the line

4;I can't tow the line, it's not in me to... tow the line!!!!

BUT, if I don't tow the line, here's the deal.

In the UK I feel utterly let down as the main care giver, I feel trapped and under represented and at the mercy of our outdated, misogynistic court system.

I will tell you why. I have no faith, none whatsoever in a system that should protect our most vulnerable and ensure that their stable existence remains that way.

I'm going to go on anecdotal for now as that is all I have, and it terrifies me. I'm not stupid though, I've researched the courts stance, past cases etc... to give myself a reasonable grounding of the reality but the scary thing is, it still seems to remain somewhat of a lottery! A lottery for my children and your children and their security and welfare!

I have many anecdotal stories from friends/acquaintances that all sing the same tune, "the judge wasn't interested", "hadn't read the notes". "It's all about the fathers rights". "They don't care if they leave you in financial hardship". "The children's views were not taken into consideration"

My husband walked out on me and our two children, two years ago! I was devastated, dumbfounded, on my knees! BUT I had to keep going, I had no choice. I NEVER stopped him seeing them. I was told of cheating etc... I asked for mediation which he refused. I went through the mill and so did my children despite his refusal to acknowledge it. This is where it could get messy. 2 sides to every story, of course there is. What I believe to be non negotiators are;
1; unconditional love ❤️
2; unconditional support

If both mum and dad adhere to these very simple rules the children no matter what will feel secure.

Fathers in the UK at the moment can STOP payments without warning, without recourse. That is utterly wrong. If you want unconditional access then you should be accountable. You expect unconditional love from your children, they have not asked to be in this situation therefore you should return the unconditional love... and support. Yes, go through CSA etc... BUT that takes time and a fight and results in emotional damage to both the main care giver and children. When will the system protect the children? When we all say enough is enough.

Feeling very let down. My sole mortgage application was just about completed and has been ruined as he just 'decided' to stop paying any maintenance. The system sucks and needs a complete overhaul to protect our children. Where would my children be if I just 'decided' to stop caring for or paying for them?

yanbu

There are so many deadbeat fathers out there. They disgust me.

They should be locked up.

You are absolutely right Op.
Csa and cms are USELESS for non payers, They are completely letting the children of this country down.
The neglectful non resident parents should be held responsible for their actions.
I spent more calling the CSA and cms trying to get them to do something about my maintenance dodging ex than I received in maintenance. My children receive nothing from my ex not a penny and haven't for years.
He gets his wife to work so he claims he has no income.
I gave up it wasnt worth my time and stress.
If you look up child maintenance "make it work" on fb you will see there are thousands of other parents in the same boat.
Personally I think we should have a system like america when it comes to maintenance, Its neglect.

Yep. As I frequently say on these threads; my ex hasn't paid a penny for his 15 and 16 year olds - and I split up from him when prgnant with the younger one. So that is essentially 30 years of zero payment (child 1 plus child 2).

Not paid a penny.

He inherited money. He has a flat in London. His mother died leaving him a third share of a London house (probably worth upwards of a million squid - it was a large house, she bought in the early 80s when house prices were low and it was then a scummy area). He hasn't worked for years. He used to claim Incapacity Benefit but the CSA told me he wasn't on the system anymore as a claimant or a taxpayer.

CSA told me he was unfindable.

Less than a second pulls up his full address and even phone number, using Google. Hardly obscure or complex.

CSA told me as he doesn't pay taxes or have a job so far as they're concerned he is entitled to pay £0 a week. Not even the fiver he'd pay if on the dole.

He has lived in Calabria for a year, by the sea. Basically his life is one long holiday.

His kids haven't seen a penny of his money. We can't afford a holiday this year. The last holiday we could afford was camping in a tent for two nights.

But who cares - CSA or whatever the government twats call themselves now, say he should only pay £0 a week, a month, a year and meanwhile the boys' stepdad (on minimum wage) and me on a dodgy and tiny freelance income - pay the lot.

It's a child neglecter's charger. Any lawyer out there want to message me with a pro bono offer to take this bastard to court and finally get him to pay his children money - please contact me.

Incidentally, what about a vast class action of women (and men) left in the lurch - against the deadbeat parents, the government, and the CSA (whatever they're called now).

I can't even afford the £20 I think it is, to get this man chased up as the VICTIM has to pay. And last time they chased him up they pretended he was unfindable. I knew his currrent address, could supply them with it, and furthermore, he has a court conviction for harrassing me over a decade after I dumped him. So the court system (proper courts) could indeed find him and even arrest him. Yet the CSA couldn't find their own fat backsides with a powerful torch.

I think it's time we held the politicians and the CSA (insert current image changing name of these hopeless penpushers here) personally to account for failing our children.

Hear hear!! I think single female parents should be renamed abandoned mothers. Abandoned by feckless males.

The CSA is a complete joke. How come in America, Australia and New Zealand fathers who don't pay maintenance can be jailed and have their passports confiscated whereas here it is a free for all? It is because the CSA is an incompetent joke.

I honestly believe it is down to nothing else than misogny. Why else would an overwhelmingly male dominated parliament fixated on benefits not be remotely interested in hunting down errant fathers?

I get it that benefits need to be assessed properly but the latest bullshit about claiming rape for tax credit entitlement honestly belongs in the dark ages.

And don't even start me on pensions! Women who take time out of the workplace to have children are penalised and have to work until they are 180 years of age are now taking the hit.

It is a disgrace!

that facevook page is horrifying with a small number of nrp views of rps and their motives.

What the "make it work" fb page eeniemeenie?

yes! luckily theres not many posts like some of the recent ones but i never realised rps could be so villainfied for wanting the nrps to support their childre

this sort of thing

Currently waiting on a CMS Liability Order to try claim back my arrears. It's only meant to be £7 a week per child and he goes out of his way to lie, evade bailiffs, job-hop and so on just to avoid it -
it's not even about the money, £7 a week just about covers a weekly bus pass and a packet of biscuits.

• it's about trying to show him I won't back down

Not sure the next step after the liability order as driving licence and passport don't apply to my claim and bailiffs have been unsuccessful as have deduction of earnings - prison was mentioned as a last resort (wondering if anyone's CMS claims had gone as far as prison..?)

YANBU

People who walk out on their children should be prosecuted for child abandonment/neglect.

I divorced my ex husband 23 years ago. In that time he's paid nothing towards DD's upkeep. He saw her a couple of times in the first few weeks after splitting up and not at all in the following 23 years. She made contact with him a couple of years ago and arranged to meet up. She flew back to the UK to meet him but he never bothered to show up. Wanker.

I agree. CSA are a shambles and they take so long with their laughable 'enforcement' actions that they fail to secure any maintenance. There is billions of pounds owed to RPs in this country and no-one takes it seriously or seems to want it to change apart from the RPs!

If they just added the maintenance calculations to the NRPs tax code HMRC could collect it along with taxes, and we all know the HMRC always collect what they are owed...

I hate the mentality that men have regarding maintenance.
My ex pays half what he should as he is self employed. He reckons he 'supports DD and i' very well.
I argued that he doesn't support me at all, I do that myself with my career and the money he gives me for DD is to enable her to have a lifestyle akin to that which she has lost through our separation, it's not about how much I spend a month on her.
He thinks this is bullshit and that I spend it all on sweeties and gin.

Had it from my ex today. He was paid last Tuesday, no payment by Friday so I contacted him and apparently he hadn't been paid. A text yesterday claimed he had been off work for a few weeks last month so could only afford less than half (despite being well enough EOW to see DS and phoning DS after work a few times...).

I phoned the cms and had the helpful reply posted on my first post. I informed him that we had another month of trying a family based arrangement then cms would take over with collection fees (collect and pay). His reply was along the lines of "you will recieve less, I told you I don't care for the csa". It's not about the amount you prick l, it's about you providing for a child you helped create!

If either myself or DP were ill and recieved a smaller wage ex would never pick up the slack for DS, yet we are expected to. Ex doesn't even have any bills such as rent/mortgage, car, energy etc!

YANBU - there are some awfully crappy men out there. I haven't seen my two eldest since September (difficult ex) but I have never ever missed a payment. It's not their fault.

Eeniemeenie I can't see it, I had to leave the fb group as nrps kept joining and bashing single mums calling them greedy and abusing them for claiming child maintenance.
It just got annoying in the end having people rub in your face the fact they think its funny. There was another Facebook page where the nrps would share tips on loopholes to avoid paying and be really disgusting about single mothers. They were all unhinged and kept going on the make it work page creating different profiles to join.

I have seen the awful Facebook group where they help people getting out of paying, they also talk of what they would do to CMS staff if they got their address and bombing the cms offices, talk of how their ex should have their 'fanny' sewn up but Facebook still allow this awful group and no one investigates the people on there.
They are very careful who they add in their group and question your story before adding you (I e if you are a resident parent they probably won't let you join)
The group is called child support rip off and there is also child support rip off original and they know all the loopholes

Yes that's the one sillysausage they are awful aren't they

And as a taxpayer, I am sick and tired of subsidising fathers who won't support their families so that the mother has to draw benefits

The benefits bill wouldn't reduce at all as child support doesn't count as income.

If a RP refuses to work, the state just pays for the child and parent so if we penalise the NRPs who don't financially pay we must do the same to the RPs who also opt out of their financial responsibilities. Both have an obligation not just one.

not all RPs refuse to work and in fact most dont...

The thing is it's much harder for RPs to find work, because of childcare issues etc. I have spent 7 months job hunting, going to interviews to be asked what happens if my sons ill and can't go to nursery - what can I say to that, obviously l would have to look after him.

Luckily I've managed to find something, but it's full time and I really needed part time. So I'll be paying £220 a week in childcare fees (which means that even with tax credits I'll only be £20 a week better off) so I can be "self sufficient" while my ex works all week, pays no childcare and doesn't contribute a penny to our sons upbringing.

Rainbows when I was a single parent to a baby and a toddler I couldn't work, I couldn't afford the childcare as there was no funding for it then and I also had no family that would help me out with childcare as well as the children's father who up and left without a care in the world and didn't want to know his kids after we split, so for your statement that single parents should also be penalised for not working is outrageous, When you have 0 support from the ex with non payment and them throwing their kids away as if they were rubbish and also 0 family support you do then require help from the government, My life is very different now to what it once was I am remarried and comfortable but I would NEVER want to be back in that place again struggling from day to day on my own. I lived on beans on toast to give my kids the best of the little money I had and it was a miserable existence.

not all RPs refuse to work and in fact most dont

I am not sure what you're getting at here...but if it's resident parents not working, you are wrong. Plenty of statistical,evidence that shows the majority of single parents work.

If a RP refuses to work, the state just pays for the child and parent so if we penalise the NRPs who don't financially pay we must do the same to the RPs who also opt out of their financial responsibilities.

But if NRPs faced their financial responsibilites, RPs might be able to afford childcare & start paid work. Or we could value the unpaid work of child raising that RPs do ...

Or we could value the unpaid work of child raising that RPs do

Which is fine in the early years. But no adult - single or otherwise - can afford to just not work. The long term considerations are enormous. I lost all my financial security and investments for the future in divorce. My old age is looking precarious. I could have sat and hold I would remarry but 10 years later it just hasn't happened. I now assume I won't remarry and it's all down to me. It's scary. Now late 40s and very poor pension prospects.