Separated fathers not paying maintenance

[Pankhurst09]

My separated husband has been paying maintenance for almost 2 years. I have done everything to keep things settled for my children. I've even pushed for access, encouraged it. I eventually drew the line when he had yet another social outing on his night (we have no other childcare) and I said, no, sorry, I have something else planned. He went anyway, again, and blamed me for not seeing our children and used the fact that I had a night out as reason to stop paying maintenance for his children.

So, I have learned that;
1; I must tow the line
2; I must tow the line
3; I must tow the line

4;I can't tow the line, it's not in me to... tow the line!!!!

BUT, if I don't tow the line, here's the deal.

In the UK I feel utterly let down as the main care giver, I feel trapped and under represented and at the mercy of our outdated, misogynistic court system.

I will tell you why. I have no faith, none whatsoever in a system that should protect our most vulnerable and ensure that their stable existence remains that way.

I'm going to go on anecdotal for now as that is all I have, and it terrifies me. I'm not stupid though, I've researched the courts stance, past cases etc... to give myself a reasonable grounding of the reality but the scary thing is, it still seems to remain somewhat of a lottery! A lottery for my children and your children and their security and welfare!

I have many anecdotal stories from friends/acquaintances that all sing the same tune, "the judge wasn't interested", "hadn't read the notes". "It's all about the fathers rights". "They don't care if they leave you in financial hardship". "The children's views were not taken into consideration"

My husband walked out on me and our two children, two years ago! I was devastated, dumbfounded, on my knees! BUT I had to keep going, I had no choice. I NEVER stopped him seeing them. I was told of cheating etc... I asked for mediation which he refused. I went through the mill and so did my children despite his refusal to acknowledge it. This is where it could get messy. 2 sides to every story, of course there is. What I believe to be non negotiators are;
1; unconditional love ❤️
2; unconditional support

If both mum and dad adhere to these very simple rules the children no matter what will feel secure.

Fathers in the UK at the moment can STOP payments without warning, without recourse. That is utterly wrong. If you want unconditional access then you should be accountable. You expect unconditional love from your children, they have not asked to be in this situation therefore you should return the unconditional love... and support. Yes, go through CSA etc... BUT that takes time and a fight and results in emotional damage to both the main care giver and children. When will the system protect the children? When we all say enough is enough.

Feeling very let down. My sole mortgage application was just about completed and has been ruined as he just 'decided' to stop paying any maintenance. The system sucks and needs a complete overhaul to protect our children. Where would my children be if I just 'decided' to stop caring for or paying for them?

Njord- I am angry for you 😡

Silly sausage- you are definitely not silly, I think you have an absolute measure of them. I also got investigated re tax credits, I don't get working only child. He had taken a credit card out on our address, the fight I had and the amount of paperwork I had to send was bordering on harassment, I felt it was another blow to my self esteem but thank god for my children now (you know, the ones at the centre of the system), otherwise I would literally be sunk. The system sucks!!!

Data- yes! Unfortunately 😔

Snoopy- glad to hear your partner is doing the right thing by his children. Unfortunately I think my very very last option may be that I have to contact the CS but I will explore every other avenue before I do. Says a lot about a system that claims to be all for the child's rights.

Teaguzzler- ah the "neglect" quote, I knew I had seen that, couldn't agree more. Very valid point.

Low gravity- it is an utter travesty. My ex has threatened the self employed 'get out' etc... I am so disheartened, I honestly thought he wasn't one of 'those guys' it's rocked my world and faith in good humans...again

Britt- sounds like you are much better off without but still why should 'this' be your fight? You had enough on your plate, we all have. It's wrong, the system is wrong. I see this now as another element of control, luckily I have become stronger but it still is not right. We are all vulnerable and it needs to stop.

Hungry- do you think we should start a petition on change.org? I really think we need to take a stand on this- it is neglect!

Ariawa- the 50/50 really disturbs me. For these reasons;

Where is the child's 'real' home? How would we feel living between two homes? How well would we cope?

Where would our sense of security be? Why would a child with less coping mechanisms than an adult cope with that setup?

What about their 'things'? Everything is doubled in both households having long term implications on financial support for college/uni/support into adulthood.

What about travel between homes? Surely this leads to a more chaotic life?

Most children would have a 'preference' it would only be natural, but yet they would be forced to spend half their time in somewhere less favourable.

Different parenting styles would make children feel isolated and less secure.

From some research for this to work it would take extremely good communication. Agreement on rules and boundaries. Phsychologists agree on an authoratitive style rather than authoritarian to help prevent children 'pitting' one parent against another.

In my view an extremely big ask given the parents could not work together when in one household.

This does not put the child first. It is based on unrealistic, ideological goals that in my opinion would harm the child's sense of security and attachment not enrich them.

There was a petition a while ago OP, it got very few signatures . I've noticed when the issue is mentioned in RL or on FB etc (not talking about true friends), it's tumbleweed. My ex and I have a quite a few mutual acquaintances and it's like no one wants to bad mouth him. One such aquaitance could really help me with the tax evasion/maintenance evasion but no, doesn't want to get involved. It's like it's a taboo topic. I should mention all of these acquaintances are male .

It is misogyny pure and simple and until we can get to a point where such people are vilified in the same way say child abusers are, I fear nothing will change.
And as a pp mentioned it's not just about providing for a child's physical needs. Children shouldn't have to deal with financial/emotional abuse or abandonment and there should be harsh punishments for those who refuse to parent or pay for their kids.

Those saying that it wouldn't lower the benefits bill - it would if the RP actually had a decent income and/or could then work decent hours. Contrary to the Tory "you're all out to milk the system" rhetoric, most people only claim what they need to take care of their kids. (There will be some benefit scroungers, but not many). So, if NRP pay enough to support their kids, then the RP wouldn't be claiming benefits.

Also - if a parent is so crap at caring for their kids that they can't even pay 7 quid a week, why on earth would we want them to be 'looking after' those children 50% of the time? A person who can't even give basic financial support is unlikely to be caring and supportive in all the other ways that children require.

I'm so sorry I don't have time to reply to everyone. I have now read every single comment and you all have my most sincere love and support. I hear you but it's about time the change makers heard us. There was one last comment I wanted to reply to before I need to get back to kids.

Janeismymiddlename-

Misogyny does prevail at the moment.

Single mums are berated and thought more poorly of than deadbeat dads in our society.

I feel an epidemic right now. A campaign gaining force. I feel wherever I turn someone wants to argue unrealistic and unfair rights pertaining to mothers and children.

The really sad part for me was the realisation that other females are so strongly supportive of this and complicit in it. I was brought up with sisters and am raising girls, I do not want them to kick each other when they need support.

I have thought, why? All I can think is that it comes from a deep routed fear that they could be us (and yes, you could, in a heartbeat, without warning, believe me, you could) or that they have so little self respect that they are willing to overlook right and wrong, what is in the best interests of their children to massage those masogynistic egos (under the false pretence it will keep them safe) it won't! and because lets face it, at the moment the misogynists do rule the world, well certainly 'the system' in the UK. Enough is enough. It's time for change ❤️

Low gravity- sounds like a petition is not the way forward then 🤔 What is? I'm at a loss, like you, I think it's a taboo subject. The mere mention of finances and support has people running for the hills. We need to change the language, it's not bloody support, it's not maintenance, it's called being a parent- pure and simple. Oh, you don't provide, you "opt out" when something else takes your fancy... you are not a parent!!

Kickass- exactly!! Why on earth would someone who used and abused the system to pay as little as possible or nothing ever be a good role model! Where is the common sense?! In my eyes 50/50 is a disgusting system introduced primarily to protect fathers who want to pay as little as possible- that is very different to spending quality time and keeping a routine. How can one train of psychological thought promote routine and consistency above all else for a child's sense of security and on the other hand condone this, I think we all know why. In a small amount of cases I could see why this would work but I think exceptional circumstances would be key.

Also - if a parent is so crap at caring for their kids that they can't even pay 7 quid a week, why on earth would we want them to be 'looking after' those children 50% of the time? A person who can't even give basic financial support is unlikely to be caring and supportive in all the other ways that children require.

There are likely hundreds of thousands of resident parents with care that don't work so don't financially provide even £7 so how does that work?

I'm assuming that the RP uses significantly more than 7 pounds a week to provide a home, food, clothing etc. They may rely on benefits/maintenance, but they're not neglecting their children and willfully putting them in poverty while still having enough money to live on themselves. NRP who give nothing are though.

I have never received a single payment in 10 years for either of my 3 children. It's a skewed system.

This has been a revealing read. Both mine and DHs dad's paid no maintenance for a time... and despite all that we're all still chums. I never gave it much thought or tackled my own dad about this - even as an adult... Our poor mums :(

It sounds like it's time for change.

How come it's just Caroline Lucas who is interested in this??

Rainbows, but who is providing the care? IF the main care giver decided to bill the non resident parent for childcare, per hour, believe me they would not have to rely on the state and this in turn would allow them to pay their own childcare and free them up to learn/train or get a job. Win win.

Or just stay at home and look after their children, a hugely important job overlooked by society.

Hula- yes, I'm also interested to hear more about MP's stance on this. My research is in the very early stages as I'm just facing the lovely system we are in. I feel so angry not just for my own situation but on everyone else's behalf, some people are talking about 18 year struggles- seriously- wtf!!!. It is a travesty. Ps- luckily quick bed tonight as I got drawn into comments. I'm like a dog with a bone when I feel an injustice.

Fux- disgusting 😡 You say "skewed" I say "corrupt" I think you are too kind.

Pankhurst - I am not being kind- despite raising them all on the minimum wage on a full time job and all the stress/guilt/ hardship etc that it entails, I would never have changed a thing. He isn't a nice person.
Some things don't have a price tag - for us, this was one of those situations but I also know others for whom the situation is very different. Too many feckless parents walk away and offer nothing in support of their kids.

Sandgrown

Collaborate you obviously don't work with my court. They even let ex off £4,000 .At least CSA don't write off arrears!

Yes they do, my ex didn't pay a penny, CSA did actually take him to court for committal proceedings, the courts let him off after he promised to pay, he never did. When my kids turned 18 CSA wrote to me to say case closed and they would be taking no futher action .. He owed thousands well into 6 figures

I didn't even get the money back that the incompetent CSA wrongly took from me to give to my ex

As briefly as possible: ex-h never paid a penny for DC when we separated. They were then aged 3,4 and 9. He became self-employed then moved to Guernsey to avoid paying maintenance. To ensure my kids didn't go without while I was on benefit I also cleaned houses 5 mornings a week while DC were at nursery/school. Nevertheless I encouraged contact between ex and DC. They're grown up now with families of their own and don't bother with their father at all. You reap what you sow. I have the joy of my DC and DGC and ex has nobody.