Separated fathers not paying maintenance

[Pankhurst09]

My separated husband has been paying maintenance for almost 2 years. I have done everything to keep things settled for my children. I've even pushed for access, encouraged it. I eventually drew the line when he had yet another social outing on his night (we have no other childcare) and I said, no, sorry, I have something else planned. He went anyway, again, and blamed me for not seeing our children and used the fact that I had a night out as reason to stop paying maintenance for his children.

So, I have learned that;
1; I must tow the line
2; I must tow the line
3; I must tow the line

4;I can't tow the line, it's not in me to... tow the line!!!!

BUT, if I don't tow the line, here's the deal.

In the UK I feel utterly let down as the main care giver, I feel trapped and under represented and at the mercy of our outdated, misogynistic court system.

I will tell you why. I have no faith, none whatsoever in a system that should protect our most vulnerable and ensure that their stable existence remains that way.

I'm going to go on anecdotal for now as that is all I have, and it terrifies me. I'm not stupid though, I've researched the courts stance, past cases etc... to give myself a reasonable grounding of the reality but the scary thing is, it still seems to remain somewhat of a lottery! A lottery for my children and your children and their security and welfare!

I have many anecdotal stories from friends/acquaintances that all sing the same tune, "the judge wasn't interested", "hadn't read the notes". "It's all about the fathers rights". "They don't care if they leave you in financial hardship". "The children's views were not taken into consideration"

My husband walked out on me and our two children, two years ago! I was devastated, dumbfounded, on my knees! BUT I had to keep going, I had no choice. I NEVER stopped him seeing them. I was told of cheating etc... I asked for mediation which he refused. I went through the mill and so did my children despite his refusal to acknowledge it. This is where it could get messy. 2 sides to every story, of course there is. What I believe to be non negotiators are;
1; unconditional love ❤️
2; unconditional support

If both mum and dad adhere to these very simple rules the children no matter what will feel secure.

Fathers in the UK at the moment can STOP payments without warning, without recourse. That is utterly wrong. If you want unconditional access then you should be accountable. You expect unconditional love from your children, they have not asked to be in this situation therefore you should return the unconditional love... and support. Yes, go through CSA etc... BUT that takes time and a fight and results in emotional damage to both the main care giver and children. When will the system protect the children? When we all say enough is enough.

Feeling very let down. My sole mortgage application was just about completed and has been ruined as he just 'decided' to stop paying any maintenance. The system sucks and needs a complete overhaul to protect our children. Where would my children be if I just 'decided' to stop caring for or paying for them?

Which is fine in the early years. But no adult - single or otherwise - can afford to just not work.

Yes, I agree, but I think if you are a single parent, with very little other support, you might feel that the logistics of working is very difficult.

I do think that everyone should work outside the home partly because it's about being valued in the community. But I would cut single parents dealing with deadbeat fathers a bit of slack.

yes I know a lot of RPs dont work but its not out of refusal or not wanting to but because its so bloody hard

Rainbow you do know that sometimes it costs the govt more for single parents to go to work when you factor in the costs of childcare and tax credits etc

Atrocious, they should be prosecuted for neglect and abandonment.

The benefits bill wouldn't reduce at all as child support doesn't count as income.

It used to. It doesn't now because too many deadbeats didn't pay regularly leaving children in poverty. I would much rather my child's father contribute 50% of the cost of raising him than have the government make up for his shortcomings as they do now. Would happily have my tax credits reduced if child maintenance was:

A) a set amount based on the actual needs of the child with a gradient depending on how much, if any, care NRP provides.
B) Guaranteed, that would mean being paid by the government and recouped by them from the NRP the same way tax is

It could reduce the 'benefits bill' as long as all monies due were collected from NRP (have a feeling a sudden solution to this problem would be found).

Oh and this

Plenty of statistical, evidence that shows the majority of single parents work.

Most single parents do indeed work. There is no such thing as single parent benefits.

It's not just the issue of maintenance I can't believe the amount of men who walk away from their kids without even looking back . Why is it so common now?

Sillysausage, I don't think its frowned upon enough.

I could never get my head around how the woman my ex cheated on me with could sleep with a man in out bed whilst our newborn was fighting sepsis in hospital, she then accompanied him.to court to answer charges of assault and threats to kill that he did against me and she is still with him :/

We are the other end of the scale
.dh pays a shade.under £800 a month in maintenance for 1 child and ex won't allowed access despite count orders.

She is deliberately obstructive, blatantly lies and is a nightmare.

No system can cope when you are dealing with such arseholes. Those who don't pay and those who use the kids as pawns in a game.

Blankscreen if that's the case she could get sent to prison for contempt of court. A colleagues exW accused him of sexually abusing his daughter, moved twice, took her to another country for months, and changed her name. He took her to court and won and he sees her regularly now.
OTOH the CMS aren't answering any calls by me to report non payment. I am seriously considering the small claims court as my next move

Yes he's due back in court in August. Fucking nightmare that never ends.

Why is it so common? Because the misogyny in society prevails. Because only women - single mums and all,the nastiness that goes with that title - are to be held accountable. Men can procreate as they see fit but society berates us and labels us gold diggers if we expect financial support.

And there is no shortage of women who will stand by a man who abandons his children. Many are very, very smug about it.

Agree with you there Jane, My ex moved on with someone else and had two more children in quick succession his wife would send abusive messages when I tried to claim maintenance, and so would he, They would both be laughing in them how my children wouldn't be getting a penny, How I was such a terrible mother (she had never met me or my children as he didn't want any contact with them, He told me he had new kids now and didn't want mine) Bearing in mind he hadn't seen mine for years previous to this after abandoning them.
Funny enough a couple of years down the line she contacted me saying how awful life was with him how he was a nightmare to live with. How she has realised that I am not the awful person he painted me as and he doesn't care for her kids either they are still together in their miserable relationship and I have to say I am so glad my kids aren't involved and feel so sorry for hers with the domestic violence and abuse they have to witness.

I just wanted to say thank you very much to everyone for their replies. Between work and juggling kids I haven't had time to sit down and read and reply in the way I would like to, I'm hoping to get a spare hour tonight. I fell asleep putting kids to bed...again.

Update is, I'm still no further forward, still no maintenance, still overdrawn, still no recourse. Well there is but is a long bloody process and one I literally don't have the energy or time for when I'm bringing up two children, working and running a house.

The thing is he had been a reasonably good dad before, I'd find his choices questionable but I felt we were putting the kids first. They were at a place that was settled and I feel really importantly had a routine. They knew what to expect.

At any time the non resident parent can plunge the other into financial hardship and just walk away from responsibilities.

The points about other countries stance was really interesting to read. Also the comments likening this behaviour from parents to abandonment and neglect. I couldn't agree more.

It's is an unfair and outdated system that seriously needs overhauled. It does not protect our most vulnerable. It isn't about money, it isn't about supporting the mother, it is about recognising that every child deserves to be in a secure environment that cannot be threatened because there is no adequate system in place. Someone mentioned a petition. I think we seriously need to push for change. And as for those parents that have been struggling for years, firstly you deserve a medal, secondly, more importantly, you deserve back dated payments. I've heard all the 'threats' "remember, I'm self employed" "I only need to give (insert amount) as I have my children (insert amount of made up hours)" It's an awful system that leaves the resident parent in a horrible situation and open to all sorts of control and emotional abuse. It is definitely time for change. I apologise again that I haven't had time yet to reply to all you good people who have taken the time to reply. Sorry to hear you are all having a tough time too. It is good to know we are not alone. Keep going x

Yanbu.

It's shocking nrps can get away with so much.

There should be a criminal offence of not paying.

A court or the parents have decided that the rp is the best person to look after the kids the majority of the time. It's not a case of them getting a treat or "their own way".

Thanks Malificent

Penguin- I didn't use the "system" as I had always hoped we could both be responsible parents and always put our children first despite our relationship breaking down. Even in this dire situation I still would not trust 'the system' to genuinely help unfortunately.

That is awful! the injustice makes me so angry and yes, they do seem to have the law on their side. It is terrifying and I hope that some miracle comes into play in this country and holds all those accountable for this horrific situation and looks seriously at historical cases too.

I agree with you 100% This system terrifies me as I do not trust it one bit. He has already told me he will lie about income and time spent with children. I have no faith or time to fight in a system that can't perform the most basic of checks, don't know if they have heard of a P60? tax credits certainly have. I also agree with your point, "If a parent cannot fulfil their parental responsibilities should they have parental rights?" I actually do not know how you can disagree with this if you are truly putting the child at the centre and teaching them about right and wrong and consequences to actions. Despite the fact I have continued with access, I feel like a hypocrite regarding my expectations of my children and what I am 'trying' to teach them about being responsible and good citizens..

Cocklodger- I hear you and completely agree. From skimming messages "abandonment" and "neglect" struck a chord and I thought, yes, yes it is. So I completely understand why you would question why these individuals are not prosecuted.

King- "fuckwittery" will now be a word I use often. Seriously though you have my complete sympathies! far too much fuckwittery going on!

Groupie- I like your 'take no shit' attitude but unfortunately he and the system have me 'over a barrel' I feel if I put a foot out of place I will be at the mercy of 'the system' the terrifying misogynistic system that 'pretends' to have my children's best interests at heart.

Well I have called CMS today after ex asked for a supersession and managed to reduce maintenance by 75%, funnily enough as soon as they took over my case in January my maintenance doubled as he hadn't been banking on it being reassessed and had been paying £20 a week for years, useless CSA. Low and behold as soon as the end of the tax year came he was suddenly back to earning pennies. Anyway the guy I spoke to was USELESS. They have reassessed based on a COPY of his tax return the HE sent them. When I pointed out that it could be fake and had they actually bothered to check with HMRC I was told that they cannot under any circumstances reassess/contact HMRC until my review next year! And i paid them for this!! . Fucking fuming. In real life what this means is DS will no longer be able to attend his after school activities, there'll be no treats like the cinema and he'll not be getting a birthday party this year as promised. On top of all that he has asked to meet his dad recently and the very nice email I sent him has gone ignored. He has just asked again if he's replied and i want to tell him his dad is a cunt of the highest order, but of course I can't.
I am seriously considering using my emergency savings on a private detective to take this mf*** down.

Rainbows I agree state help is not something any responsible and proud parent wants unfortunately 'the system' has created this awful situation. As a tax payer since I was legally allowed to work I don't think anyone should shirk their responsibilities unfortunately this is a horrible system that does not hold accountable those who should be.

Re "pay for view" if I did not financially support my children and maintain their secure environment and ensure their safety and routine and welfare, what would my "view" be of my children- through prison bars I think?

Collaborate you obviously don't work with my court. They even let ex off £4,000 .At least CSA don't write off arrears!