Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

[famtastic]

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

I hope you've written to put them straight now!

If not, I like the above reply but I would change:

"I did agree I could offer the odd favour but by that, I meant at short notice and if I am available. I didn't intend to commit to an arrangement. I'm sorry if I have got my wires crossed but just in case, I wanted to clarify that I'm not able to offer regular childcare."

To:

"I was asked if I could offer the odd favour and I assumed this meant at short notice and if I am available. I havent and wouldn't be able to commit to a regular arrangement. I wanted to clarify that I'm not able to offer regular childcare."

Remove any apology - you have nothing to apologise for and make it v clear you have not agreed to anything apart from responded positively to a vague request for a favour. You cannot agree to a favour without knowing what it is though.

Say you can NEVER do before and you can't do more than two or three occasions.

I would not explain why at all, nor say sorry, but if you must say it is because your dc need their routine and you are looking after an elderly relative.

I really wouldn't bother coming up with excuses and fake plans.
Forget about it. They haven't asked you and you haven't agreed.
IF they do turn up or ask you next week all you have to say is 'That doesn't fit in with our plans'.

Don't apologise or make excuses. They will find a way to get past all that.

It is absolutely fine to say 'I don't want to'.
It may be my age but that would be my response.
'I don't want to do that'

I think you really need to pop round given you've not got numbers to call
and clarify this otherwise it will be preying on your mind.

@famtastic Surely it is better to deal with this now, so you're not uneasy and worrying about it?

You're quite obviously not being unreasonable. Just tell them what you've been told and reiterate that you were surprised as you've never been asked about this. And say that you can't do it. That's it - the end.

Sod the awkwardness. THEY should be feeling awkward, not you.

Just ask them about it asap, say you can't do it and then it's done. No fretting required.

TBH - they sound like inch and mile people.

You don't owe them anything.

So I would say a hard no - and if you need child related favours, ask people who are not piss-takers.

Surely at age 10 & 13 they could stay in the house alone until 10am? Even if the parents asked if you could be their emergency phone call should anything happen?

Don't say anything about 7am, god no. That's tantamount to saying "I am available for childcare every day after 7am".

If you give any excuse they will try to find a loophole. That's why you need to leave it vague as "sorry, would never be able to do that, very confused!" without any reason.

Go and see them OP. Nip this in the bud while there is time left for them to make arrangements.

OP instead of feeling uncomfortable keep this one thought in your mind, this arrangement inconveniences you and your children. It brings no benefit to your children, they will not enjoy playing with the other children and it will upset the routine of your child with ASD.

Surely all this must over ride any discomfort you feel about saying no?

Text them saying you have been made aware by x friend of this apparent arrangement. You are unsure how this miscommunication occurred but you are unable to offer child care.

Practice saying no and don't be bullied. Good luck OP.

Hopefully your friend really got the wrong end of the stick. But you need to bring it up with them now instead of 'feeling sick' and waiting for them to say anything.

Hello friend, OtherFriend thought you mentioned I'd be taking your children every day? I assumed she got it wrong but that's not really an option as we'll be busy with family stuff. I meant I might be able to pick them up ONCE or TWICE if you got stuck and I happened to be around. Thought best to have someone else on hand as we are SO busy.

Text it so they can't wiggle you in to agreeing as you sound like your not good at saying no.

Do you have her number? I'd text

Hi XXX, I was speaking to XXX yesterday and she mentioned that your children will be coming to mine over the holidays. I am a little confused as this is the first time I've heard about it. As you know my son has autism and I am planning on trying to take him to sensory classes in the holidays. I will not be able to be a reliable source of childcare for you. I wish you'd mentioned it to me as I would have told you xx

Cross post.

I think you need to nip it in the bud and be quite light about it but raise it when you next see them. You can say you'd heard something from mutual friend and that can't be right as you have other commitments.

If you don't, I think it could be much harder when they're on your doorstep at 6.30 asking what do you expect them to do (trying to turn it into your problem when it is only theirs).

I was once asked by a known pisstaker-an acquaintance (she had financially abused other pals, as in my pal had essentially moved in to do this person's childcare for a week for free - and had ended up paying for all meals and school activities for these kids... She had never been repaid! !).. So acquaintance asked If I could look after her 4 kids - full time- for 6 weeks... Full time and overnight... In my one bed flat- for no money.. In the middle of my uni finals (she wanted to do some fun course miles away) ...

She was soooo pissed off, and rang me a further several times, when I refused and I said I couldn't think of any of my pals who would commit to this without substantial payment... And what she really needed was a temp nanny.

I had babysat once for the day for thus woman as short notice, as a favour.. I arrived.. It was gobsmacking - deffo not the kind of arrangement where there was a stack of films /food and nice pool to use... The place was fetid... All the cupboards were empty, no coffee /tea and tje fridge was completely empty...
She then arrived a full 3 hours late... So babysat from 9am til midnight... For no pay.. Her kids were OK but was grim...

loudly talk about your plans for spontaneous trips away/ late mornings and time just with your kids you're soooo looking forward to... All over summer...

Also it is evident in another few days they believe this has been arranged.

Text them ... But don't offer alternatives- these types always take the piss.

you want to pre-empt to avoid a situation where there is a 630 knock on door! .

These sort of pisstakers won't be above using emotional blackmail!

"I'm a bit confused -gawd knows how this has happened - seems to be a rumour @ school gates- that we've arranged to look after your kids every morning all through holidays - can't imagine how this came to pass!!

Just clarifying- there's no way we can be involved and commit to such an arrangement, even if this had been the case and you'd believed this or asked us! See ya soon!

I would say you're sorry, but unfortunately, it doesn't work for you, you have a relative that needs your support, besides your own children.
If there is any unpleasantness, it is solely of their making.
You really do need to speak to them, go and knock on their door, so that they are able to find alternative child care, which I assure you, they will.
It is only once to do, then you can relax.
Give them an inch, and they will take a yard !

Don't mention 7 am. If you make a reference to a time, they will start bringing their children to you.

There is no discussion about whether it's reasonable or not and actually it doesn't bode well that you are asking

Absolutely. It is utterly unreasonable. I'm going to go further and advise you not to have her children at all (possibly barring case of life threatening emergency). Do not be drawn in. I would send a polite but firm text saying:

I've just had a bizarre conversation with X, in which she told me I was looking after your children in the holidays. I'm sure there is some mistake, as we have never discussed this and I am not available to do so. X must have her wires crossed somewhere!

This makes me cross. I am a SAHM. This has its pros and cons. One of the biggest pros, however, is the fact that the holidays are mine to spend with my children doing the things that we all enjoy doing together. Absolutely no way would I be looking after someone else's kids during that time.

I agree as well with the pp who defined a "favour". Would I do a favour for a friend in extremis? Of course. But that would be along the lines of "DS is sick and needs to go to A&E - could you pop over for an hour until DH gets back to look after DD?", not "Can you look after DD every day for 4 hours?". The first of those scenarios is a favour; the second is being too tight to organise childcare. That's a job for a nanny!

I think you need to preempt this with a message asking specifically what days they are asking for

No no no no no! Bloody hell it's like saying 'how much shall I bend over for you to kick me in the arse?' They asked for a favour, it is up to them to actually specifically ask for the fucking favour, not for you to run around pestering to do them a favour.

If they ever ask, say no. Now that you know they may ask, it gives you a prefect opportunity to make your excuses but even with no excuses, you are still perfectly entitled to just say no.

Much as they deserve it, I wouldn't just leave it because then if they turn up on your doorstep at 6.30 on the first day of the holidays, you may well feel pressured to have them.

Yes that is what they are probably relying on. So the OP can just not answer the door. That's why we have doors - to keep other people out.

If you don't say a firm no to this, then frankly it's your own fault if people take advantage! You barely even know this family. I don't get why it would be so hard to send a text saying that you've heard this from X friend and that you will not be doing their childcare. If they come back to you, you need to point out that they have made massive assumptions and didn't even have the manners to ask you first.

I reckon the wife asked her dh to ask you and he has reported back that he's done so and you are happy to help. He's a cheeky bastard.

I think you must set this straight ASAP. There are several good ideas above but do NOT apologise, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. I wouldn't personally offer anything at all but ask what they need for the odd ocassion they might need help. Early starts are a flat 'no' for all the reasons you state plus you don't want to.

The favours they've done you are in no way comparable so don't be sidetracked with that.

Good luck. Get onto it today.

A 13 year old really isn't going to be coming to your house at 6.30 am! That's not going to happen.

I think you need to sort it out quickly to give them time to get someone else to look after their children. If you don't have their phone number, then get your friend to speak to them and say wires have been crossed.

Talking from experience having someone else's child over school holidays is not fun. It completely ruins the routine of your own children, and the parent will take complete advantage of you if you are a SAHM (like myself).
In this case it was my own SIL taking the piss. I had my DN for 5 days straight, without her even bringing DN toothbrush or cash for days out/food. DN wouldn't sleep at night, and would be crying for his mum who didn't even answer her phone to speak to him. It cost me an extra £50 for those 5 days to buy more food, just for DN (DN eats a lot). I've said no to helping again the future.
You are not obligated to agree in the slightest. You have already agreed to the Mondays, but you need to clearly state what you are happy to do/not do. Like a PP said you should send a text asking if they still want help on the Mondays, and the times you are available. If parents ask for help on other days just say you've already made plans that cannot be changed. It's not your job to be free childcare.

I have a feeeling this will not end well.

And I would definitely definitely ask Other Friend for their number.

Much much easier to do this over text. You could just say "Hi OP here, Friend gave me your number cos she said something that really confused me about me doing daily childcare for you and I'm baffled!"

'I'm busy at 6:30am every day. I'm busy being asleep

:)

I don't want awkwardness between us all. And there would be

Then you have to decide whether you'd prefer to be put out massively or have a bit of awkwardness. Do you really need to be liked by these people?

This is another thread where there is a danger of being far too British. You can and should say NO! You don't need a reason, it is allowed to not want to.

And I agree, a 10 year old and 13 year old can stay on their own for a couple of hours! That said I have a friend who wouldn't leave hers because she said they'd fight.