Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

[famtastic]

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

Sorry Pictish, I meant to bold your bit of the message above!

I'd predict she's not going to say anything in advance, she'll just turn up with them and when you protest will say "but you agreed, Husband heard you" or some such crap.

Saying you've plans won't make any difference to these users either, they won't consider your plans are more important than their need for childcare.

Say your DH won't accept it if it's too hard to just say no.

It always amazes me that parents know perfectly well when school holidays are, yet fail to actually make provision for their childcare even though they could. Nobody minds providing emergency care that can't be predicted, supporting other parents is fine, but knowing you'll need a childminder and not bothering anyway is just taking the piss.

They can't possibly assume you are going to do this though surely, especially as they haven't checked yet. I would assume that you would be going on holiday for a week at the very minimum and they would need to know when this was to make other arrangements.

And YANBU at all in the slightest to say to no to any childcare provision, let alone something of a daily basis.

pictish

I feel sorry for their kids being pulled out of bed at that time during the holidays.
They should get someone to come to their house so the kids can sleep.
Btw I suggest getting in touch today and saying something like.
I think there has been a misunderstanding, XXX said that she heard I'd be minding your kids every day from 6.30-10.30. that's news to me, LOL. Me and the kids need our lie ins during the holidays. I'm sure she got it wrong.
And if she replies and asks just say, oh no, that won't suit me at all. Hope you get sorted.
Good luck, be strong!!!!

Agree to just saying no. If she approaches you about drop off ask her what she means. When she says just say she has her wired crossed. You were told her might be asked for he odd favour, which you are happy with hat short notice/in an emergency if you don't already have plans. The cheek of people never fails to amaze me.

Yeah, I wouldn't just say nothing. I can see the logic in it, but if it was me I'd just spend the next two weeks fretting that I'm going to have to hide at 6.30am for the entire first week of the holidays. I'd clear up any misunderstanding now. After all, you know what they're planning and your mutual friend may well say that she's spoken to you about it, so if you don't say anything now that adds weight to their assumption that it's okay!

I think CoraBright has a point about using busyness/late request as a get out, but realistically how many of us are busy at 6.30 every day?

I think I'd text "about that favour, which day were you after? My diary's filling up" Note that's day, singular! You could also add "also would you be able to have my 2 one day in x week please? Cheers"

People like this do exist. My close friends from school especially. I am a SAHM and our kids go to the same school so at first I often got requests to have their DC after school etc which was fine as they played with mine nicely to start. Then their DC started moaning about my dinners and messing up the house and we had frequent arguments about their DC not sharing my own kids toys. Plus the requests suddenly started coming in the school holidays and for more frequent days. I just said no. Didn't even give them an excuse, you don't have to.

They never consider using their own holiday time to look after their DC, their default is to ask someone else first. They currently have a lodger who is doing it.

Say no.

You have to tackle this today or you'll be worrying from now on. Best to get it over and done with.

Well, you know in advance, so you can practice your NO. An "odd favour" amounts to two or three occasions, not six weeks. How many days would you be happy to do? Three? Say three then. Never mornings? Say that then. Act surprised "surely you registered them with holiday club"? Their ability to sort something now is not your problem.

"Hi, just texting to make sure that you know that I won't be looking after your children in the holidays. X mentioned that she thought I was going to! I'm sure it's a strange mix-up! Xxx, Famtastic"

And if they have the cheek to reply "oh it's only 4 hours 4 days a week you won't mind that" you can say "no, I can't help at all".

Don't offer anything at all - it will get stretched if you do.

I'd tell her to fuck off.

I'm busy at 6:30am every day. I'm busy being asleep.
Channel Zammo - just say no.

If you leave this until the last minute, you will cave in and take the kids.
If you text now and say to her pretty much what Pictish recommend, you will head this off at the pass

I like gabspot message too.

You MUST deal with this now

The message replies are great - this is a good idea. I've been in this situation and I had to learn to say no. It's hard at first because the helpful person you are is used to saying yes but there is a difference between helping and being used. Say no and keep saying this. Once you have her kids round even one day she will ask for two and more. There are good reasons to help others and this is fine but not as unpaid childcare. That's where the saying no gets hard because you understand the problems of others but it's necessary to understand that other peoples problems are not your responsiblity to be the solution. Look at how busy you are! your dh is up and out for work at 6.50am - you have your own kids to look after. No is the response and keep saying it to her.

I wouldn't contact them about this at all. If you start asking what they need / expect etc. you're making them think they have a chance of you doing it, and they'll talk you around. You're already wavering aren't you?
I'd totally ignore it as they haven't actually asked yet. When they do, say you can't do it. Don't get drawn into negotiations.

First they are no friends of yours second they are total pisstakers.
I would text today to say you've heard from doormat friend that you're taking over her childcare duties and confused as you've not been asked. All you can remember is a vague conversation with you the dh and another friend about a few favours but no details. Just to clarify any misunderstanding you're sure doormat friend has the wrong end of the stick as you can't do any childcare at all for them due to family and personal reasons and would never have agreed if asked. Say If you'd wanted to be a childminder you would have set up in business lol and you wouldn't be doing it for free Hun / lol / smiley face

I think if you leave it you will get guilted into helping out for a day or two which ends up into weeks,

Laughing at the idea of kids being pulled out of bed at 6:30. It's bliss when mine sleep that late.

I'd be blunt because blunt is what people like this. Say straight out that you've heard that they've been telling people this and they had better make other arrangements now because you haven't agreed to this and there's no way you would have agreed to this had they bothered to even ask you directly.

Hi OP, how are you today, please come back, whether you have dealt with this, or not.
These people are users. You have enough on your plate, with your own family. It's the school holidays, time to relax and enjoy your own children. I can't bear to think that you will possibly allow these scummers to walk over you. This can be sorted .💐

I would contact them today and tell them your mutual friend has told you this, but you haven't been asked, and you can't do it. Full stop.

Yes, it would be tempting to let them turn up on the first day and find your house empty, or for you to tell them then that you weren't asked and can't help: but why delay this stressful moment for yourself? Why not get it over and done with? And I have to think of their children too: it would be potentially upsetting for them to put up with that, and it's better to sort it out now, and get it over with.

Much as they deserve it, I wouldn't just leave it because then if they turn up on your doorstep at 6.30 on the first day of the holidays, you may well feel pressured to have them. And even if you don't, it's noise and nuisance and fucking up your lie in that you don't need.

So I think the best thing is to get in touch now and say I told you/your DH I could do a couple of days for you over the summer, can you let me know dates you want asap because I'm filling up fast and don't actually have that many free days left.

It was just a passing comment back in may in the play ground. He just said oh I may need the odd favour over summer. Didn't elaborate on it. I was then taking son into class and that was it. I'd forgotten until he asked me for help the first Monday of the holidays, I said yeah I should be able to. He didn't say times but I know they both work early mornings. It was only when my friend said it to me I was like wtf!? I am a sahm so I guess they just assume it's no big deal to me! I don't have their number I usually just see them on the school run. They have done the odd school pick up for me when my 3 year old was sick, but they live at the end of my road and my son then walks up to the house. So I guess they assume I owe them. There kids are a lot older than mine and I think they would prob only be getting up if at home once their dad got back. He finishes work at 10am and they are 10 and 13.

I do have an elderly relative I help in the holidays, so think il just leave it and see if they actually ask me! Then il say oh I can do the odd day but I'm not available regularly as have plans and can't be committed to set days, and il say I can't do it before 7am. Does that sound ok? lol I'm such a wimp but I don't want awkwardness between us all. And there would be.

If this is going to be on your mind for the next few weeks maybe speak to her and say so and so mentioned that you were going to be looking after the kids all day during the school holidays. Mention that you would be able to commit to for the reasons you mentioned;

1. the whole day is taking the piss
2. you haven't a clue who the eldest is
3. kids are different ages.
4. you want to relax and enjoy the summer.
5. you don't want to. The other person may have got the wrong end of the stick.

If you don't head this off you may be writing another AIBU along the line is 'neighbour has dropped her kids of with me at 6:30, am I U for thinking this is a dick move. She just bundled them in the front door and said she would be back at 10pm'

I'd text him to say "do you still want me to have your kids on the first Monday of the holidays? I'm free from xx - xx (hours), let me know if you still need the help" Don't mention other days.