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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

999 replies

famtastic · 03/07/2017 08:44

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 03/07/2017 09:13

Can you go and visit parents / friends/ caravan in middle of field for first few days/week. This clearly draws the line that you aren't available and avoids them just turning up on the doorstep on day 1. Be really positive about your pland then ask them what they are up to. 6.30 is far too early on a holiday day to be entertaining unless on a sleepover (and even then...).

londonrach · 03/07/2017 09:13

Theres a not in the first sentence!

Pagwatch · 03/07/2017 09:15

There is no discussion about whether it's reasonable or not and actually it doesn't bode well that you are asking

Would you assume that someone else had agreed to several mornings of childcare a week throughout the summer holiday after asking if they could do you a favour? No. obviously not. It's ridiculous.

Contact them and say 'I'm sorting out my holidays including going away and family visits so I need to get the dates when you wanted me to help out - if you still do.
I'm happy to do five/six/ whatever mornings across the holidays. Which days help you the most? '

You should contact them asap.

Anatidae · 03/07/2017 09:15

"Hi neighbour, just arranging a few trips for the holidays. I know you said you might want me to have the kids one or two specific days - can you let me know which ones so I can avoid those specific days?"

And when she comes back with 'oh you're having the kids all the time' you rely with

"But you said a few favours. Obviously I can't have them so much, you will need a childminder for that. "

Do it NOW or she will be round dumping them at yours forever!

MargoChanning · 03/07/2017 09:16

These people are not your friends. They are acquaintances you see on the school run. They shoukd do what the rest of us working parents do and use a mixture of summer playschemes, annual leave, relatives and close friends who are happy to muck in. (Im doing the summers hols via a mix of playscheme and annual leave). They are seriously taking the piss. I would be inclined not to help them out at all g8ven their cheek. Plus you need to prioritise your own kids. Would they be likely to return the favour? Doubtful.

fassbendersmistress · 03/07/2017 09:17

Sounds like the husband might have misled wife into thinking he discussed and arranged it all....Whatever, it's their problem to sort not yours.

Say a firm flat no.

Its your kids holiday - kids need the break from school to rest and your 8yr old doesnt need the disruption of routine, strange kids and a stressed mum. Put you and your family first.

juneau · 03/07/2017 09:17

Shock the hide of some people never ceases to amaze me.

OP you clearly have to set her straight. A quick text will do, but FGS do it today, otherwise you'll find her tipping up at your front door on day one of the holidays saying you didn't tell her until it was too late to make alternative plans! Be firm. Only offer what you initially planned to offer (a few favours is a few odd days here and there IMO), and make it very clear that you cannot accommodate her DC on a daily basis. You really are going to have to be firm and assertive. God I hate people like that! Where the hell do they get this sense of entitlement and presumption???

diddl · 03/07/2017 09:17

I would have thought that it was obvious that the "favour" they were hinting at would be childcare-although obviously not on this scale.

Perhaps just let them know that you have heard that they are looking for childcare in the holidays & you will not be available to do any at all for them?

Leeds2 · 03/07/2017 09:18

I too would text her, and refer to there having been a misunderstanding. I suspect her DH has told her that the childcare has been sorted, when in fact it hasn't. I think it fair to let her know now, so that she has the opportunity to arrange something else. And you won't then have to deal with them turning up on the first day of the holidays.

cafetea · 03/07/2017 09:18

The key aspect here is that they have not asked you and also that you cannot do this if asked. They have not asked you so it's just what you've heard on the grapevine. If they ask you - you say no. It's not possible and you don't have to give an excuse. You cannot do this and so you say no. Practice your answer so when if they ask, you are ready with a reply. Don't let them bully you. You are not their childcare solution. Don't listen to their reasons - just say no and then say that you have to go, end the phone conversation, stop messaging.

Nanna50 · 03/07/2017 09:18

In what context did the conversation of we may need the odd favour take place? A passing comment that you could easily forget or a conversation about childcare? You need to say no for your own family harmony.

I had a friend who this happened to with one of her children's school friends who sometimes had play dates. The parents asked for the odd favour which then morphed into regular childcare, which eventually included meals, no payment. She was worried about saying no when the other parents were clearly taking the piss. Eventually she had to speak up and the friendship ended followed by lots of recriminations. In hindsight it would have been so much easier for her to say no in the early stages.

PhilODox · 03/07/2017 09:18

Your friend takes this woman's children to school every day for free? Shock
How are they getting away with this? What kind of person would ever think that expectation is normal or ok in any way? I am angry and sad on your friend (and yours, if you get suckered in) behalf!
That is appalling behaviour.

ALittleMop · 03/07/2017 09:20

Practice laughing "OMG we won't be up till 10.30 - we never get up in the holidays....."

On one hand it might be kind to let them know your availability (or not) on the other I wouldn't take it to them, they will see it as an invitation.....

pictish · 03/07/2017 09:21

Of course you're not.
I would nip this in the bud today. Send a polite text saying "Hi Xxx. I've just heard from Xx that you've earmarked me for some childcare in the holidays and wanted to clear up any misunderstanding straight away. I did agree I could offer the odd favour but by that, I meant at short notice and if I am available. I didn't intend to commit to an arrangement. I'm sorry if I have got my wires crossed but just in case, I wanted to clarify that I'm not able to offer regular childcare. See you soon. Fam. "

PhilODox · 03/07/2017 09:21

For reference, a "favour" is picking up milk when you're at the shops, because you know they're home with 3 children, or lending the paddling pool when you're going away for a week etc.

CoraPirbright · 03/07/2017 09:21

There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me!

I know lots of pp's are saying to contact them now but I would suggest just leaving it. When they come to you so late, it gives you a perfect get out. You can just say "oh what a shame you didn't say earlier - I have made lots of plans so those dates are just not possible. I could have them for you on 1st Aug and 28th Aug (or whatever) but beyond that I am afraid I am busy".

Frankly they are utter gits for assuming that you wil be their unpaid childminder (unpaid!!!!) and they should be told to fuck the fuck off but if, as with most people, you might find that difficult, then the "oh dear too late" excuse will be an easier get-out.

RebootYourEngine · 03/07/2017 09:21

Im split between asking her what is going on to just ignoring it because she hasnt asked so she cant expect you to do it.

noenergy · 03/07/2017 09:22

The 6.30 am is the first big NO!!!!! That is stupid o'clock.
I wouldn't say anything yet. Just be prepared for when they ask, if they ask.

How can people have this sort of expectation. Having your own kids is hard enough work.

ludog · 03/07/2017 09:22

Saying 'no' is uncomfortable if you're not used to it but gets easier with practice. naascounselling.weebly.com/blog/im-just-girl-who-cant-say-no

ohfourfoxache · 03/07/2017 09:22

I think you need to preempt this with a message asking specifically what days they are asking for

Nikephorus · 03/07/2017 09:22

Don't even offer to do a few days or you'll be suckered in for more! Just text today with one of the earlier helpful responses to the effect that someone has got their wires crossed as there's no way you're available for childcare. End of. No openings for them to sneak a few days in. Put yourself and your kids first or you won't have a holiday!!!
(And you know damn well the childcare wouldn't finish in the morning!!!)

Summerswallow · 03/07/2017 09:24

I have never known people like this!

I sometimes have a child round to play as a favour for the afternoon, perhaps once a month, and the parents are profusely grateful even though it's really just a playdate.

This is full on, needing to be paid for, childcare.

6.30am!

It's hilarious.

Remember, everyone else has said no (rightly). So, you need to say no too. I would get it out of the way with a text right now, say you think theres been a misunderstanding as you are not having the children early morning at all, that wouldn't work for you,

I wouldn't even offer a couple of days, tbh, as these type of people won't do the same for you, and aren't your actual friends, they are just users who take advantage of the nicer kinder people amongst us.

Lucky you posted on MN and have our collective 'no' to back you up!

Blackadderspants · 03/07/2017 09:24

The audacity is breathtaking! Absolutely YANBU

Cheeky mare.

I would nip this in the bud today. Send a polite text saying "Hi Xxx. I've just heard from Xx that you've earmarked me for some childcare in the holidays and wanted to clear up any misunderstanding straight away. I did agree I could offer the odd favour but by that, I meant at short notice and if I am available. I didn't intend to commit to an arrangement. I'm sorry if I have got my wires crossed but just in case, I wanted to clarify that I'm not able to offer regular childcare. See you soon. Fam. "

THIS ^

ToesInWater · 03/07/2017 09:24

Please make sure you make it clear now that this is not happening, not just until they make other plans, not just a few days to help them out, remember that great MN saying "no is a complete sentence". When we lived in the U.K. a friend used to get dumped on constantly with pisstakers thinking that her being a SAHM meant she was available for free childcare. They tried me once!

CremeFresh · 03/07/2017 09:25

I feel sorry for her children having to get up so early in the holidays to then be dumped on strangers .

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