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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay for baby shower

108 replies

ExitStrategies · 02/07/2017 19:51

to 'treat' the mum to be on her 'special day' Smile

Is it a thing now? To ask guests to pay towards the food and decorations??

It's not a surprise shower (mum to be has been talking about it for weeks). The friend hosting has asked everyone to pay £10 towards lunch, cake and decorations. Oh and reminded us all ... via whatsapp group ... to bring a present or contribute to a group present.

IME a baby shower is a sort of party (games, chat) with refreshments and cake provided by the family or host. And gifts of course but you don't mention gifts do you?? It just feels like it's all about the gifts and donating to the 'special day'.

AIBU and old fashioned?

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 02/07/2017 19:52

I think it's rude. Baby showers are crap anyway so I wouldn't be going if I had to pay!

Lilmy3 · 02/07/2017 19:53

£10 each? How many people are going? Seems like a lot if they're putting the food on

MaisyPops · 02/07/2017 19:55

It's rude and grubby.

I'm no fan of big baby showers because I find them part of the 'look at me, let me have a day all about me' craze.
But, I don't mind smaller family/friend ones as much. To me the host does seem nibbles/drinks, everyone chills out with mum to be.
Gifts in my mind are done after baby has arrived. But maybe I'm traditional like that. (And I'm starring to notice that it's becoming a thing for gifts at a baby shower and gifts once they've arrived).

NeitherKilnerNorMason · 02/07/2017 19:55

Unbelievable

DappledThings · 02/07/2017 19:55

Not as old-fashioned as me who would say, "no thanks, I'm not American". General MN opinion seems to be they are a horrible, imported, tacky thing that has no place in the UK. Someone will pop up to say we font do them right and in the US they aren't grabby at all. Asking people to pay for it has to be gabby even you don't have an issue with the basic premise.

I've managed to only be invited to one ever and DS was one week old so had the perfect excuse (even though we we out and about and actually having lunch in another venue down the road).

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2017 19:58

Sounds mega cringe. The host pays!

Unlike most on MN I quite like a baby shower. But I've only ever been to one fancy one and even that was more a champagne piss up (Hmm) with a massive posh cake and normal gifts.

With my normal bunch of friends someone having a baby is an excuse like any other to get together and eat (normal homemade!) cake and have a natter. The pregnant friend says please don't bring any presents, everyone still does but only little things like socks or tiny teddies or something for the mum.

I'd be pretty pissed about being charged to attend, WTF is that about?! Or being told what gift is giving. Surely the mum is mortified?

Crunchymum · 02/07/2017 19:58

Shameless and I wouldn't go out of principle!!

chipsandpeas · 02/07/2017 19:58

id decline the invite

MaisyPops · 02/07/2017 19:59

I can just about see it in the US where maternity packages are so shocking that showers help set parents up a bit but even then I find it odd that people ask for big ticket items. If you can't afford a pram why are you having a baby!

ethelfleda · 02/07/2017 20:00

YABU

EvansOvalPies · 02/07/2017 20:00

YANBU - I personally have always hated baby showers. Another crap idea that's invaded us from across the pond.

Back in the early 80s, a friend had one of the first baby showers we had ever heard of in Wales. Our friend was about eight months pregnant. But her baby tragically died at birth - I'm not normally a superstitious person but I've always hated these stupid showers ever since (not to mention the fact that they are most incredibly grabby).

Expecting to also chip in for decorations - unbelievable!

Blanketdog · 02/07/2017 20:01

I'd be busy that day - I despair - gift giving like this sucks the joy out of it!

ForalltheSaints · 02/07/2017 20:01

We voted last year to take back control, not be ruled by others. So let's stop aping US customs such as these. Decline the invite.

mumeeee · 02/07/2017 20:01

YANBU

AlmostAJillSandwich · 02/07/2017 20:03

If it's a surprise shower for the mummy to be then either the host pays, or the host plus guests who VOLUNTEER to cover costs pay for it. If it is the mummy to be wanting one, hosting it, or insisting on one, its rude and presumptious to expect others to pay. You don't ask people to chip in, and you don't ask them to bring presents.

Original poster
ExitStrategies · 02/07/2017 20:07

There are 15 people invited. It's her second child so she has all the 'essential' stuff already.

Glad it's not just me!

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 02/07/2017 20:14

I've been to one and thought it was naff tbh! Sniff and guess what's in the nappy! Great fun! Not!
Grabby imo and no way would I pay to attend one.

seven201 · 02/07/2017 20:20

Is it the expectant mother dictating things or is she clueless and doesn't know her close friend will be charging guests and reminding about gifts. I'd be mortified if that happened to me. I didn't have a baby shower, I did go out for a lunch with friends (no gifts) and in a kind of we won't be able to have lunch like this again for a while type event. But... a baby shower for a SECOND child is grabby and/or self absorbed.

witsender · 02/07/2017 20:21

I've never been to one, but thought they tended to be thrown by someone for the mother to be? So, friends or whatever.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 02/07/2017 20:24

Can I asķ a really silly question please?

(Sorry for derailling)

When I was 6m pregnant with DS, everyone was hell bent that that year, I'd celebrate my birthday. I fucking HATE them- hate getting gifts, etc (deep rooted issues which are too hard to explain on this thread).

So I decided to make it "baby shower" themed. We had a game where everyone had to guess who's baby picture was who's, and people bought things for my unborn DS, instead of me.

I was told just today that that may have come across as as grabby- if not grabbier- than a "usual" baby shower.

???

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/07/2017 20:26

I certainly wouldn't be paying money out to bill and coo over someone.

Angela0413 · 02/07/2017 20:27

Urgh that's vile. I threw baby shower for my sis and I paid for it. I've organised baby showers for friends and the couple of people organising it pay for it. We do it because we love our friends and want to do something nice. Wouldn't have dreamed asking anyone for money. Went to a fab baby shower champagne afternoon tea at very fancy Michelin star space and the husband to be who had organised it paid for whole thing, If it's not done like this I find it grabby. I would never organise a shower for myself would be like just asking people to buy you gifts!

ShutUpBaz · 02/07/2017 20:27

Ugh, just the phrase 'baby shower' is cringey and grabby. Reminding guests about a present and asking them to pay for the event is crass.

QueenofallIsee · 02/07/2017 20:28

I have thrown 4 baby showers (not quite sure why, am not especially excited about them) - 1 for my sister, 1 for SIL and 2 for friends. I have hosted and therefore paid! I would never have expected guests to pay. I wouldn't go to a party that I was charged to attend!

steff13 · 02/07/2017 20:29

No, the host pays for the shower, and it's not really appropriate to have one for a second baby, unless there are many years between the first and second.