Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay for baby shower

108 replies

ExitStrategies · 02/07/2017 19:51

to 'treat' the mum to be on her 'special day' Smile

Is it a thing now? To ask guests to pay towards the food and decorations??

It's not a surprise shower (mum to be has been talking about it for weeks). The friend hosting has asked everyone to pay £10 towards lunch, cake and decorations. Oh and reminded us all ... via whatsapp group ... to bring a present or contribute to a group present.

IME a baby shower is a sort of party (games, chat) with refreshments and cake provided by the family or host. And gifts of course but you don't mention gifts do you?? It just feels like it's all about the gifts and donating to the 'special day'.

AIBU and old fashioned?

OP posts:
Giantwhoopsie · 02/07/2017 22:19

I've had two babies and refused to have a baby shower both times.

I find the whole idea of celebrating your baby with extended family and friends before they're safely here really weird. My sis is a midwife and she finds the idea a terrible one because she's seen women lose their babies in their final weeks.

PratStick · 02/07/2017 22:30

Pratt charging someone £10 to attend a baby shower and then demand gifts is grabby. People would bring gifts anyway you don't need to make them feel like a wrapped box is their entry ticket. Also, if you want people to contribute, ask people to bring a dish or drinks, asking for money is tacky and unneces

Which is literally exactly what I said. But I've never heard anyone to do that in rl, so it's not baby showers... it's this shower

PratStick · 02/07/2017 22:34

"don't expect gifts... your baby could still die in utero"

Hope none of you stuck that bit in your rsvp.

That's such a fucking horrible way of looking at things.

When baby showers first became a thing, the parents were likely to be young and not long off having got married. Money would be tight and this was a nice thing to do.

StickThatInYourPipe · 02/07/2017 22:35

Pratt in which case I apologise, it sounded like you were defending this shower. Although I do think these are going the way of other celebrations which do seem to be more about outdoing each other than just getting together to celebrate the upcoming arrival.

PratStick · 02/07/2017 22:37

I think we can blame tumbler and social media for that entirely. This along with week long destinations hen dos. THey were never tradition back home but creeping in to every culture unfortunately due to people being total self absorbed twats

PratStick · 02/07/2017 22:40

I never had one as tbh there wouldn't have been many guests and would have been a bit sad looking. But we don't baptise our children unless we're actually religious and I did want to make people eat cake and look at what I made so they all had fucking beautiful and utterly pointless first birthday parties. Well the third one didn't. Even I was bored by the .

PratStick · 02/07/2017 22:40

Then

Frillyhorseyknickers · 02/07/2017 22:44

The only thing more god awful and crass than a baby shower, is a baby shower complete with begging whatsapp arseholes over enthusiastic organisers, who are usually childless and clueless

MargaretCavendish · 02/07/2017 22:46

I'm not a huge fan of baby showers, but I'm even less keen on the sort of person who suggests that a woman who has one is bringing stillbirth or other terrible things upon yourself. I can't imagine what kind of horrible mind you'd have to have to try and blame someone who has had something so awful happen to them for their own misfortune.

StickThatInYourPipe · 02/07/2017 22:50

Prat I agree, the media has a lot to answer for when it comes to this stuff, which is really what I meant by American traditions it's movies and tv shows that the English seem to just follow and try to replicate!

I would probably have a 'shower' for my first, but to be honest it would just be a get together before the birth, lunch out or something. Like you, I wouldn't have a christening as I am not religious.

StickThatInYourPipe · 02/07/2017 22:52

MargaretCavendish the mind boggles really eh?

I always thought it was bad luck to buy things for a specific child before the birth so it was customary to buy neutral things prior to arrival. But then that's just an old wives tale really and should never be used as a comeback to someone who suffers such an awful tragedy

RuggerHug · 02/07/2017 23:04

Yanbu. I received an invitation with the price per person in addition to an expected gift on itHmm. I cringed and declined.

KoolKoala07 · 02/07/2017 23:14

Yanbu- bloody hate the things. Especially on the second/third/fourth child. It's another attempt at getting free stuff and presents.

BenLui · 02/07/2017 23:22

I'd be unfortunately busy that day and take a present after the baby is born.

LoupGarou · 02/07/2017 23:25

I live in the US and in my community baby showers are just a glorified coffee morning with booze for the attendees.

Most people bring a dish of food which can be shoved in the chest freezer (everyone has one where I live out of necessity, remote community) for the parents after the baby is born, or some store cupboard sort of snacks like naice crackers.

No obligation, just a fun get together, a chat and a laugh, they're usually held when the mother in question is around 8-8.5 months pregnant, and are generally seen as a way to cheer her up and make her laugh when she's getting uncomfortable/fed up of being pregnant.

In your situation though OP, YANBU, horribly grabby and rude.

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 02/07/2017 23:30

Been to only one. Fucking godawful idea. I had to "race" other women to see who could change a Nutella filled nappy on a plastic doll quickest. Shooting me would have been more fun. And the cupcakes had either babies faces or feet iced on and eating them felt all kinds of wrong but I still did

Charging to attend ANY party is vulgar. Charging to attend a baby shower is extra cringe because (in my world anyway) it's not a "thing" here. British tradition is to buy presents after birth and pre-birth it's considered unlucky. My DM made crone-like hissing noises in the style of a Shakespearean soothsayer when my American friend turned up with a nappy cake when I was 8 months pg! Grin

Rainbunny · 02/07/2017 23:30

OMG! I'm in the land of sodding baby showers (California, I've attended 6 in the last two years). This is never done, the etiquette rules on baby showers are that they are hosted by a friend/friends of teh mum to be, never by the mum to be herself and never by her family members as it's considered grabby. The guests should bring presents but that's it for their contributions, the host(s) are responsible for the party. I have attended a couple that were more casual and people brought a dish if they cared to or something to drink, that's it though. OP you can show your cheap friend(s)/family members this post as I'm laying down the baby shower etiquette law!

OfficerVanHalen · 02/07/2017 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LogicalPsycho · 02/07/2017 23:49

PratStick

The British tradition of having a Christining when you set foot in a church once a year is tacky and grabby

Do you think the same about weddings being held in church for people who don't really attend church? Wink

Caterina99 · 03/07/2017 01:38

Currently living in the US and I've been to several baby showers and had one hosted for me. Definitely not considered grabby in the US, just normal. But they are only for first baby and there's no gift after the baby is born (or at least no expectation of a gift anyway, some people still got us a little something)

Paying to attend is definitely not normal though. I've been to a few in people's house/garden/village hall place and I assume the hosts provided the food, although some guests brought a dish. Some fancier ones in back rooms of restaurants etc where again the food was paid for, I presume by the hosts, and one super posh one in a fancy hotel that I definitely didn't pay anything towards as the brunch was $50 per head (I looked it up). The mother to be's family is very wealthy and I think her dad paid for it all!

I've also been to a couple of meals recently that were just a group of friends meeting for lunch and bringing gifts for the new mum (usually second baby). Those we all paid for own meals!

SenecaFalls · 03/07/2017 01:51

It does seem that some tackiness has been acquired by baby showers as they have crossed the pond to the UK.

KoalaDownUnder · 03/07/2017 02:04

YANBU.

Fuck no would I be going to this farce.

meditrina · 03/07/2017 02:16

Having a Christening isn't the same as having a shower.

Because the express purpose of a shower is to shower with gifts (so no, you shouldn't need to remind people that they are obliged to bring something, they should just know).

For Christenings, just a card is fine.

Not all parties in pregnancies are showers, and it is confusing is people label something that doesn't involve bringing a gift as a shower.

It's also fine for friends to club together to cover the costs, especially if that's the normal way that group does parties. The party aspect is the bit that is variable - could be sedate tea in posh hotel, or cake at someone's house, or raucous with games - whatever the friends think wouid go down well. As it is normal for it to be only the closest friends then the host should be able tomscooe for ideas and budget without too much difficulty.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 03/07/2017 02:31

I find it a bit off having the guests pay for attending the shower. After all, they are the guests, and won't they be bringing gifts, too? They should not be expected to pay for their food. I realise that your friend has her own idea of where she wants her shower, but out of consideration to the other guests, you may want to ask her to consider a less expensive alternative, and then order or make tea sandwiches, salads, etc. I think it's in poor taste to ask guests to pay to attend a shower. I can imagine that some people may opt to skip the shower and just send a gift instead.

Creampastry · 03/07/2017 06:13

I'd be busy that day ....