In thinking Dsis should put DN first.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Backstory :- Dn is one of 6. My sister was in a bad relationship last year which produced the 6th child. The relationship had a massive impact on all the children. DN is in year 6 and has suffered bullying (now sorted) and had problems with her eating.

My sister has announced to the family she is now pregnant with number 7. Came as a massive shock as we didn't know she had a partner, turns out she had the children lie. The baby bomb shell has upset DN, she feels completely pushed out and scared this relationship will be another repeat of the last one.

I am very close with DN since everything that happened last year she has spent a few days a week with me since, and my sister was ok with this. DN has expressed some concerns and has now asked can she live with me, I've told my sister this and she thinks DN is just being a mard arse and will come round too the idea of a new sibling and a father figure.

Her plan is to just let DN finish her "tantrum" and everything will be fine. I have disagreed with her and suggested maybe she has a heart to heart with DN. DSIS has refused because she believes that's playing into DN hands.

My sister is a lovely person, just at times she makes stupid decisions. She thinks with her heart most of the times instead of her head and I believe at the moment isn't taking DN fears and worry seriously as she is just so focused on her new relationship and baby. She has always wanted that happy ending and she thinks this is it.

Of course I want too see my Dsis happy but at the same time Dn isn't happy and feels ignored.

I honestly don't know what more I can say or what I can do.

A lot of girls in your niece's situation go looking for love and attention elsewhere when they don't get it at home.

Thankfully for now, she's turned to you, and thankfully for DN, you're there for her. I hope that's enough, but sadly as she gets older I fear it won't be. Or even if this niece stays on the straight and narrow, there are a bunch more siblings coming up behind her who'll fall into the trap.

How long before this niece, or one of her siblings, decides that boys/sex/drugs/alcohol offer a numbing effect on her home life? By then her mother will probably be onto the next guy and baby number 10/11/15, so it's certain SHE won't give a damn.

pengg I've never once said my sister was a bad mum. I thought it could help my niece because it's somebody she can vent and express her feelings too who is impartial. I know it's my sister's choice hence the reason I suggested it to my sister and didn't arrange it behind her back.

I'm not quite sure whether her school offer the service.

I'm taking on board all the advice/pearls of wisdom/ and your own experiences and it means a lot.

My sister is around later so all I can do is try and have one last go at getting through too her.

Your sister is irresponsible and selfish.

She has clearly shown that in her view her need for a man trumps her obligation to provide stability for her kids.

She has, at the least, had two serious relationships with men that she has introduced to her children in the space of a couple of years? That's NOT the actions of a good parent.

I think in these circumstances you do what is best for your niece. She needs you.

@op
Therapy is always a good thing.
I think you're a fantastic aunt and a really good person.
Do you have an update for us? How are you feeling now?

Hi quick update.

Dsis came around with DN earlier on. The discussion didn't end well. Dsis stormed out in anger and Dn running upstairs in tears. I'm honestly quite shocked by it all.

Before my sister and niece talked, I was accused by Dsis of being jealous of her happiness and encouraging DN in acting out.

I was so proud of my niece how she expressed herself and was very mature, but once again fell on deaf ears. Dsis responded to all her problems with

• she can't have attention 24/7 she's a member of a big family, so suck it up.

(She's not asked for attention 24/7)

• everybody witnessed the emotional and abusive relationship and nobody else is "acting out" like her and she needs to get over it.

• she's not psychic so unless Dn tells her she is having problems she won't be getting involved as she hasn't got the time for the games.

• another baby is coming along and her tantruming will not change that situation.

• she needs to stop being rude around the new partner and show him respect and make him feel comfortable as he will be moving in.

I'm genuinely shocked with what my sister and how she left the house knowing her daughter was distraught and crying. Looks like Neice is staying another night.

So sorry for you and your DN OP.

Your sis is an idiot. She is throwing away her relationship with her daughter for a man she barely knows. I think you must have a lot of patience OP.

I think what you are starting to see now is the extent to which your sister will put her own happiness and comfort above her children's. It's not good OP. See how you are now starting to be blamed for this too. She will blame anyone but herself. I hope you can find a way to do the decent thing for your niece, without it reaching the point where your sister really blows up and makes it all even worse.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can in a difficult situation. Personally I think removing your neice from the chaos will give her time to focus on school and herself. Her voice has to be heard and she wants to be with you for now.

I had a grandma and aunt like you. My mum wasn't horrible or malicious but her love life and own happiness came first (still does). There is one incident where my mum put her (then) husband before me, and still to this day I find it hard to grow closer to her. Eventually I lived with my grandma, and when she died, my aunt.

I cannot explain it, but I can understand the relationship you have between your Dsis and DN. It's so precious. Don't ever push her away, she needs that stability. I think your sister is very much in danger of losing the respect your DN ever had for her.

I've just read your update, OP, and I'm shocked. I just can't understand how your sister can't put her own child's needs before her own base lust - because, let's face it, that's what it boils down to, if she's introducing bloke, after bloke, after bloke into her children's home.

In particular, though, this:-
"... everybody witnessed the emotional and abusive relationship and nobody else is "acting out" like her and she needs to get over it..."

Everybody reacts in different ways. No two individuals will remember or react to a situation in the same way. Your niece, and unfortunately, I suspect your sister (her self-esteem must be horrendously low, she's trying to fill a void within her with blokes and babies... she's searching for love, and seeking it, I suspect, with that of a baby/small child for its mother), too, need serious help. Which you can't provide for them. Have you considered calling Children's Services about this situation? If only to ensure that your niece and her siblings are safe, and to take the first steps towards possibly becoming their legal guardian.

I'm still quite about your sister's behaviour, though. She's a mother! Her daughter is 10/11 and vastly more mature than she seems to be.

Actually, that's something else - your niece will be undergoing quite a stressful time educationally right now. SATs, presumably, and then the end of primary/move to secondary education. Believe me, that's quite a shift for them all to have to deal with - and your niece does not need her mother selfishly putting herself/new bloke's needs before those of her vulnerable offspring.

and for you, OP. You're doing a good thing for someone who cannot help themselves yet.

Please try to involve social services.

Your sister is a selfish, self-absorbed fool. Your DN reacted differently to the abuse in the house because not everyone acts the same and she is the oldest girl. It probably was more noticed by her than the younger children. And now she's rushing to move yet another man move in because she's pregnant yet again?

I wouldn't want to live with her either. Your DN is the sensible one. Let her stay with you if that's what she wants.

Just read your update and I'm horrified. Poor girl, some of those things your sister said are disgusting. 'Get over it' - she had an abusive man in her home FFS :(

Your sister is not only a bad mother, she is selfish, stupid and a nasty piece of work.

Can you have your sister come and live with you? Can social services be involved? Can this be proper family fostering if her home life is too chaotic and the children are at risk from these shit chosen men your useless waste of space sister is shacking up with?

*can you have your niece. Not sister obvs

Keep on supporting your niece.Keep an open door for her.When she moves up to secondary school consider counciling then.
See if you can have her over for a full couple of weeks in the summer holiday.
Your sister is going to be very lucky if she's found a new man that will stick around with 7kids.
What is the situation with her other kids?

Update.
Might be an essay and rambly. I am honestly fuming.

DN is now living with me for a while.
DN, new partner and Dsis all got into a massive argument last night.

New Partner in my opinion started it all but Dn didn't act in the greatest way and quite frankly I'm disgusted in my sister with what she said to Dn.

NP was winding up Dn telling her to do this and that, she told him no. He told her that her mum has already told her she needs too show him respect so do as he has said.
DN told him again no, he said how she needs to get use to being told what to do with him being her new dad.
DN told him he isn't her new dad and never will be, he told her too ask her mum about that. And Dn responded No point in asking her because she'll have a new man soon. (Yes I know wasn't very good of her saying that)

NP then got Dsis in the Living room and told her that Dn basically called her a slag. Apparently a load of screaming and shouting happened with DN saying she hates her mum, and hates her life. My vile sister responded with she wish she had aborted Dn and she's a vicious bitch. DN screamed back at her she's a bitch and my sister then slapped her in the face.

DN ran out of the house and came too mine. I immediately called Dsis who confirmed it was all true and she's not ashamed, she's had enough of DN behaviour and isn't welcome back in the house until she apologises to both her and NP.

I will admit I lost my temper and informed her that what Dn had said was correct and I will be notifying social services and the police. I also told her if she ever placed another hand on Dn again I would return the favour back too her (Yes I know not my finest hour )

Her NP in the past hour came round with a bag full of clothes for Dn including her school stuff. I say came round he rang my doorbell, dumped the back and ran off the absolute coward.

DN did not want the police involved and told me if I was too call them she would refuse to talk with the officers as she didn't her siblings witnessing the police at the house again.

I've been up most the night discussing with DH our next steps, whether involving Social services will resolve things or just keep her here for a while whilst everything smooth over. We are scared involving SS, Dsis will demand Dn back who obviously isn't safe there. But we feel we need too protect her.

Oh god :( how awful :(

How awful OP

Your sisters new man sounds like an insecure piece of shit and your sister sounds like she's more bothered about who she's snagging and having babies with than the children she is supposed to care for.

Call social services and tell them the full situation (they may already have info passed to them via school etc if your DN has been overheard talking about it there). Tell them the niece doesn't want police involvement because she doesn't want police at the house AGAIN (That rings massive bells to me but it means again there'll be a paper trails already linked to the last lot of abuse).

Then let the experts decide how to handle it.

Holy shit, what an awful thing. :( Poor DN.

Oh god how awful. Op you are doing brilliantly. Honestly without you I don't know what your Dn would do

I would involve social services at this point. I'm sorry. Your sister has to deal with the fallout of her actions.

I cannot believe she would introduce (by the sounds of it an utter knob) another man into the family so recklessly after the last time.

Sorry I can't help more. I think you're amazing. But I think you need help from experts now X

Is DN willing to tell social services that she'd want to stay with you?
It probably feels scary to involve them as there's a finality to it, re your relationship with your sister. It also takes some of the decision making from you. But the attack on your niece must be documented, in case you some day end up having to officially put yourself forward for your DN and gain full custody of her.
Must admit though, was so relieved to see she's with you for a while.

Would you be able to petition for guardianship or the U.K. equivalent without involving SS?

I think DN needs the legal protection of knowing that her mother can't force her back home if she gets a bug up her ass.

Perhaps a visit to a solicitor is in order at this point

I want too involve SS now not just because of the attack on DN but what else has gone on in that house that I don't know about. She made the kids keep her new fella a secret and with what she said too DN and didn't even deny it has me wondering are all of them being treated like it.

I know it seems like I can kiss goodbye to the relationship with my sister, but she's an adult. I have too protect DN and the others so they still have a fighting chance at having a "normal" childhood.