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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have the most unfortunately named love rival?

302 replies

RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 00:36

I'm only just back with my dh after we split for a time and suddenly I find Jolene is back in our county and wants to get back in touch with him?

Every time I sound off about the fact they got history and she's always fancied him people start singing fucking Dolly Parton!

Last time I got really torn up over it and confidied in my dsis and BIL he put the damn song on and laughed for a whole few minutes and I forgave him because everyone was a bit drunk and stoned but them
Mary Anne never lets me forget either and she's meant to be close family Angry

Just to clarify he'd never cheat on me and never has.

OP posts:
dontbesillyhenry · 02/07/2017 22:19

So was anyone sober to take care of your child last night?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 22:24

henry Yes, I'd been out with my dd and other family with other children and it was a bit boozy. We didn't get back till 9:30ish. (Person driving hadn't been drinking before anyone jumps on that). Dh had been working and came home about the same time as us.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 02/07/2017 22:25

Is your 3 year old still on first name terms with your friendly local drug dealer?

PacificDogwod · 02/07/2017 22:26

Oh, RedStripelassie! Sad

Believe it or not, I have thought of you often.
Your life can be different, you know.

dontbesillyhenry · 02/07/2017 22:27

So you were getting pissed in the company of your daughter and other kids? Do you really not see how abnormal and damaging your behaviour is? Everything seems to revolve around drink and weed.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 22:34

stitched I've moved away so no. And you make it sound worse than it is. He was just another parent who we'd meet up with on the park and his daughter was older and doted on dd. He was mates with dh not some dodgy guy at all.

pacific my life and dds is so different and so much calmer and better now. I didn't plan to get back with him but he changed and lots of stuff happened to me this year that was unexpected and he was there for me.

OP posts:
alpacasandwich · 02/07/2017 22:36

He was mates with dh not some dodgy guy at all.

Did he sell drugs?

PacificDogwod · 02/07/2017 22:42

Yes, he was 'there for you' because he realised that you may make your escape. He was protecting his 'property', not supporting you.

I sincerely hope that your life will still be calm and good a few weeks months or years from now Thanks

Can you please reread all the posters who are reflecting back to you quite how disordered your thinking and your world-view it?? Your 'normal' is not a healthy normal.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 22:55

alpaca yes he sold weed. I doubt anything else.

pacific thanks. I will keep my eyes wide open and not let things go back to how they were. I've learnt a lot this year.

OP posts:
dontbesillyhenry · 02/07/2017 22:59

Oh well he only sold weed don't make it sound worse than it was Hmm
You really are utterly dysfunctional and quite scummy. You deserve each other but your poor daughter deserves so much better

Ceto · 02/07/2017 23:15

Fraudster, drug dealer. What a catch.

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2017 23:18

I love how you now backtrack on absolutely everything and try make out it wasn't as bad as it was, now obviously that you're all one big happy family

What an absolute joke! I also love how you can try and justify your daughter knowing a drug dealer

You are well and truly deluded, and this is where i bow out

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 02/07/2017 23:30

We didn't get back till 9:30ish

Lassie, you were drunk posting at 12.30am so you must have carried on drinking or had one hell of a skinfull by 9.30pm Sad

Did your DH stay sober/straight after he got home?

Seriously, I hope for both you and your daughter that it really is 'different this time' but I won't pretend that it's not looking good at the moment. As has been said, I think your idea of "normal" is not what others see it as.

Best of luck to you all. I hope it works this time and, if it doesn't, that you finally have the sense to not let this destructive cycle continue.

lieka · 02/07/2017 23:49

Oh no Red you were doing SO WELL.

And he used your illness to get you back didn't he, the loathsome piece of shit?

And manipulated you to lie to your therapist who was helping you and your daughter?

I could cry for you.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 23:55

I was being sarcastic.

Another rule of mine is no more skunk as it's definitely more harmful

"No more skunk" is "another rule of yours"? Stripe, you really have no fucking idea of what is normal and what isn't, don't you. OF COURSE you don't have skunk at home. The point is, what the fuck are you doing with a bastard who kept skunk in the home in which his own little daughter could easily find it?

And please spare me the "oh, but he's changed" routine. He hasn't. He still drinks and smokes weed every fucking night, when his daughter is at home. He's an addict. And I don't believe that you got drunk just the once the other night. Your therapist didn't want to get SS involved and for you to receive more counselling because she just felt like it, you know. I think you lie so much, mainly to yourself, that you can no longer tell the truth from your own lies.

But it doesn't matter fuck all to you, because all you care about is being with this fuckhead and sod your daughter. Your poor, poor child.

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 00:03

And by the way, if you are thinking, like you said in the past, that this is just the stupid middle-class MNetters who can't understand what working-class people are like, fuck that shit.

The life you are living, and that you choose to inflict on your daughter, has fuck all to do with class. It's not a "working class thing" to get drunk and smoke weed on a regular basis. That's an insult to the working class.

What you are doing is not healthy and it's not normal. It's deeply dysfunctional, and it's going to fuck your daughter for life well and good.

RubyBluesey · 03/07/2017 00:29

Eh

MadMags · 03/07/2017 00:45

Jesus. Sad

Ginger782 · 03/07/2017 03:07

Well this thread combined with an advanced search has led me down one of the more depressing rabbit holes I've seen on MN for a while.

Kickhiminthenuts · 03/07/2017 03:35

You know these rules you've set that he's respected are the absolute minimum he should be doing?
It shouldn't be because you've set them.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/07/2017 03:43

distancecall you seem determined to break me down. Even when I name the positive changes I've made and rules I've made for the good of my family you twist it into a negative thing. And I never brought class into it. I don't think it's 'a working class thing to drink and smoke weed'. People have come to their own conclusions about that. I do think that a lot of mumsnetters seem to have a very different view on life to me. That's all. I've been called a selfish, scummy bad mum over and over in this thread and I'm trying to remain dignified when I respond but can't you see how that might affect someone? I know words are just words and they shouldn't hurt but they do.

What matters is that I know what my dds life is like and it's not the misery fest people seem hell bent on making out it is. I'm not saying her life has always been great and honestly when I look back and see how we were living I feel so sad and guilty but also happy and relieved that I changed that for her and all of us. Our lives now don't resemble the ones we were living last year and I made that change and I'm proud of myself.

OP posts:
ColossalKalamari · 03/07/2017 07:06

Of course you were planning to get back with him...you made post a couple of months ago where you were planning how you could do just that and lie to your therapist about it.

I'm just sad for you that you can't see how you deserve so much better than this. There are good men out there...you do not have one at the moment

EssieTregowan · 03/07/2017 07:22

It's not normal or healthy to have 'rules' for everything. Believe me, I know.

For me it's alcohol and I've had years of 'no more than three times a week', 'only at weekends', 'no spirits' etc etc. It's all just bullshit (and exhausting) and the only real change happened when I actually stopped drinking.

He hasn't changed. He's just on his best behaviour until you're fully entrenched again. And it's very telling how low the bar is for 'best behaviour'.

This is really sad.

Maccapacca88 · 03/07/2017 07:23

Your poor, poor daughter to be trapped in this cycle with you at 3 years old. You delude yourself by thinking that you have a nice, normal family. So, you and your druggie husband manage to drag your arses down the pub for hair of the dog - with a toddler in tow- and that is a nice, normal family afternoon? Whoopdy fucking doo dah!

At 3 your daughter has already realised that it isn't worth making a fuss because nobody gives a shit about her and nobody is coming to save her. Better to just shut up. I hope you will be happy in 20 years when she is with a man just like Daddy, living the exact same life you are now.

EssieTregowan · 03/07/2017 07:27

Oh and I have two good friends who are married to weed addicts. Both lovely guys, so long as they've had their fix. Violent abusers when they haven't. Not to mention both these women work several jobs while the husbands do the minimum (and no housework) because the weed habit costs an absolute fortune.

Neither of the men participate in family life other than a few hours a week of being 'fun dad'.

The difference here is that neither woman drinks or smokes at all, and they work solidly to keep their families stable and normal. I know it utterly exhausts them and I don't understand why they stay.

What's sad is it doesn't appear from your threads that you are stable or strong enough to balance him out at all. I don't mean that nastily. It's just a clusterfuck.