Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have the most unfortunately named love rival?

302 replies

RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 00:36

I'm only just back with my dh after we split for a time and suddenly I find Jolene is back in our county and wants to get back in touch with him?

Every time I sound off about the fact they got history and she's always fancied him people start singing fucking Dolly Parton!

Last time I got really torn up over it and confidied in my dsis and BIL he put the damn song on and laughed for a whole few minutes and I forgave him because everyone was a bit drunk and stoned but them
Mary Anne never lets me forget either and she's meant to be close family Angry

Just to clarify he'd never cheat on me and never has.

OP posts:
kali110 · 03/07/2017 22:58

He will never ever be violent again. He knows I could take everything he loves away from him again.
Sorry op, but he knows you'll take him back no matter what he does.
He can away with anything.
He know it.

hter · 03/07/2017 22:59

I also know how horrible it is to start a thread and have people saying things that feel cruel. That isn't my intention here. I'm worried to you. Flowers

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 23:00

Oh, and I don't believe you'd kill him if he did that to your daughter. You'd justify him.

He was just nervous. DD got mouthy. He's so stressed. He didn't really mean it. He loves her, really. DD should have kept quiet. DD shouldn't complain. Why can't she keep low like me? She knows what he's like.

And so on. Soon you'll be telling your daughter not to mention certain things outside the home. That is, if you haven't started already.

And all this because you don't think with your head or with your heart (you'd place your daughter first then). You are thinking with your cunt.

mygorgeousmilo · 03/07/2017 23:01

But why are you even in a relationship with someone that has ever done this? Ever. Being sorry or not wanting to be alone or whatever his excuses, surely that was enough for good, not to mention his addictions. God this is all just falling on deaf ears, you're determined to put him above your daughter's emotional and psychological development. Do you hear yourself?! So you say of he had hurt her then oooh you'd have gone to prison for murder, but when he does it to you and in front of her, it's not that bad. What the actual fuck! You know there are many many many forms of research on this type of behaviour, don't you? And that he's highly likely to do it again, the more you forgive, the worse each incident will become. And that your DD is highly likely to end up in a dysfunctional relationship herself, possibly with an abusive person?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/07/2017 23:10

I did the online freedom programme and it got in my head for a while and then I felt embarrassed about thinking my experience was abusive compared to the horrible scenarios they give in the books. It seemed like I'd been over dramatic. You know how when you wake up from a bad dream you remember it as awful but then as the memeroy fades it doesn't seem as scary as it was before? That's how it is.

I don't want dd to ever be badly treated in a relationship. Right now I'm not in a bad relationship but it was bad. If it gets bad again I'm out and not coming back.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/07/2017 23:11

distance I would never excuse him if he did that to dd.

OP posts:
mygorgeousmilo · 03/07/2017 23:13

But it is still bad - he's an addict!

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 23:15

Right now I'm not in a bad relationship but it was bad.

You're bringing up your daughter with a druggie father, a druggie family, and a mother whose therapist wants to call Social Services.

You are not stupid, Red. This is wilful blindness. I don't know what needs to happen for you to see things, but I'm afraid that when it happens (and believe me, sooner or later it will), it's not too late for your little girl. She deserves so much better than the miserable lot she's got.

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 23:17

That is, I HOPE that it won't be too late for your little girl.

Freudian slip - clearly, I'm afraid that it will be too late, because you just.won't.give.that.fucker.up.

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 23:17

Because it's faaaaaaaaaate, isn't it, Red?

Christ.

enthusiasmcurbed · 03/07/2017 23:19

You are trapped. It doesn't matter how many times you post or how many replies you get. You will always make excuses, you need to get away from him.

PoorYorick · 03/07/2017 23:20

I don't want dd to ever be badly treated in a relationship.

She is being badly treated in her relationship with her father right now. He drinks irresponsibly, he smokes weed while she is in the house (no, it is not acceptable just because she is asleep ffs).

enthusiasmcurbed · 03/07/2017 23:23

Red, I suggest you step away from Mumsnet. You don't take the advice and you frankly support an alcoholic drug addict.

dontbesillyhenry · 03/07/2017 23:25

Not as bad as some of the scenarios? If that happened to me or most other people in the world it would be as bad as it ever needed to get. I'm starting to think you are on a wind up as each time you post you sound more of a fool

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 23:30

Tell yourself the truth for once, Red. You won't ask your partner to stop smoking weed and overdrinking because you know that if you make him choose, he'll choose the drugs and the drink before you and your daughter.

And you can't bear that thought. So you'll put up with it, making up ridiculous rules and pretending that "moderate" use is OK, just so he'll stay with you. Even though you must know, at some level, that this is fucking your child up. And she's just three now. What will it be like when she's older? When she starts asking questions? When she starts thinking by herself?

What do you think your daughter would think if she found your threads in the future, when she's a grown-up? What will she think of her mother's choices?

Wolfiefan · 03/07/2017 23:34

I am absolutely gutted. I remember you OP. I remember the whole bloody story. I remember you leaving and felt so proud. Like things could really be better.
Yes you left. But you took him most straight back.
Things have changed? Um no. He's still smoking illegal drugs and drinking daily. Your "conditions" don't change those facts. He's an addict. A functioning one but an addict none the less. He hasn't changed at all.
I'm so sorry. This is so sad.

Orangetoffee · 03/07/2017 23:42

The only thing your rules have changed is the time of his smoking and drinking. What happened to the therapy that you insisted he should seek?

And if his behaviour wasn't all that bad, why haven't you told your family and therapist about it?

Your poor daughter.

JaniceBattersby · 03/07/2017 23:46

So Red, he's told you if you're not happy with anything then you're to tell him (not sure why the onus is on you to police his behaviour, but hey....)
so tell him you don't want him to use any drugs or booze.

See what he chooses, his family or the substances. If he says he can't give them up then his first step should be to phone AA or NA.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 03/07/2017 23:46

You mean you left to 'teach him a lesson', then let him back when you thought he'd learned it. Not really my perception of high standards. Still, you won't listen to anyone, but for fucks sake at least try and limit the damage you are dong to your child.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 03/07/2017 23:52

He will never ever be violent again

Keep telling yourself that if it makes you sleep easier Sad

Why do the names Stephanie Davis and Jeremy McConnell keep popping into my head when I read this thread?

BeyondDrinksAndKnowsThings · 04/07/2017 00:11

"He knows I could take everything he loves away from him again"

But... doesn't that scare you? Knowing that when he does lose his temper again (when, not if), he already knows he will lose his family, so he has nothing else to lose. So he has no incentive to stop once he gets going? :(

DistanceCall · 04/07/2017 00:15

You can't take everything he loves away from him, Red.

What he loves is drugs and drink.

BooWhoDid · 04/07/2017 00:24

@RedStripelassie
I'm the kid who was raised in your home. It was never really so bad as to raise alarm bells with social servives. But, I learnt to be quiet, I learned to shut up and say nothing to stay safe. I learned that no one would hear me. I learnened that I mattered less. I learned that my NO didn't matter. I learned to be helpless. I learned that rescue never comes. I learned to survive by being passive.

A long time later I learned I survived by destroying myself.

I still love my parents. It's fucked up how much I am having to parent them.
But, I feel really sad that they still aren't grown.
Please, don't be them. Feel your power and take it x

Dewey595 · 04/07/2017 01:33

Can't you see that by carrying on like this, you are the least loved out of the 3 of you? Your husband doesn't love you, he loves drugs and drink, because he will always put them first. And if you don't leave him, your daughter won't forgive you for all of the unhappy memories and for letting her live in such a dysfunctional family. So where does that leave you? Unloved in an abusive relationship, non-contact with your daughter. If you leave your husband for good, at least you can secure the love and respect of your daughter, giving her a better future. Wouldn't it be better to be loved by your daughter without him, than loved by no one, with him?

MadMags · 04/07/2017 10:04

I don't often say it but...

You're a shockingly bad mother. You really are. Your little one deserves so much better.

It's not enough to love her. And it's certainly not ok to love him more!

Swipe left for the next trending thread