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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have the most unfortunately named love rival?

302 replies

RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 00:36

I'm only just back with my dh after we split for a time and suddenly I find Jolene is back in our county and wants to get back in touch with him?

Every time I sound off about the fact they got history and she's always fancied him people start singing fucking Dolly Parton!

Last time I got really torn up over it and confidied in my dsis and BIL he put the damn song on and laughed for a whole few minutes and I forgave him because everyone was a bit drunk and stoned but them
Mary Anne never lets me forget either and she's meant to be close family Angry

Just to clarify he'd never cheat on me and never has.

OP posts:
karmacoma1 · 02/07/2017 17:16

I'm struggling with the cannabis thing.

How on earth can you parent under the influence of it?

When I used to have it 'back in the day' it would end up with me watching nature documentaries, slack jawed and eating endless bowls of cereal.

The idea of combining it with parenting - urgh.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 02/07/2017 17:17

Tbf, children's services haven't got the resources in staff or money to get involved with every household where the parents drink and take drugs.

But he should at least go outside to smoke, ( and don't try hiding the smell with scented candles or air freshener, because it doesn't work) because your house and child's clothes will reek, and she will be breathing in the smoke.

SamoyedSam · 02/07/2017 17:17

Nope...never said WC class people have to use substances. That's a classic straw man fallacy.

SamoyedSam · 02/07/2017 17:21

Partner is asking me to go to the lake now (not a euphemism) so I'll have to leave the thread. OP, take care of yourself and ask for help if and when you need it. It sounded from your previous posts that you already knew when "unacceptable" kicked in so trust that judgement and engage with your counsellor.

alpacasandwich · 02/07/2017 17:24

When I used to have it 'back in the day' it would end up with me watching nature documentaries, slack jawed and eating endless bowls of cereal.

The idea of combining it with parenting - urgh.

It's worse than that. They build up such a tolerance that they need a spliff to get back to "normal", i.e. not in a raging mood.

Then there's the paranoia and anxiety if they can't pick up. The black moods. Accusing you of sleeping with other men.

I lived with one for 2 years. Thank god we had no kids, but it broke me.

noenemee · 02/07/2017 17:25

@alpacasandwich Yes, the same, but apparently the little girl's anger issues are better now and so are the DH's.

Every time I read one of your threads OP, I hope it's someone on a wind up, but unfortunately I don't think you are. I'm not surprised your counsellor has declined to help you further, I do think you need specialist help and certainly more specialist than anyone replying on MN can offer you.

Good luck and more importantly, please take heed of what people here have said about your DD, don't be deceived into thinking your DH has everything under control Confused I don't think anyone wants to rain on your parade, but you know, there are a lot of people here with worlds of experience.

alpacasandwich · 02/07/2017 18:40

I think this is a classic case of a toxic bond.

The kind of couple where, if you intervened in the street because the man was being violent, the woman would tell you to fuck off and mind your own business.

He is abusive and she is dependent.

I feel sorry for the child, OP needs to wake up (AGAIN).

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 02/07/2017 18:53

The kind of couple where, if you intervened in the street because the man was being violent, the woman would tell you to fuck off and mind your own business.

I think that sums it up perfectly.

BoysofMelody · 02/07/2017 19:02

The kind of couple where, if you intervened in the street because the man was being violent, the woman would tell you to fuck off and mind your own business.

Or as happened when I tried to intervene both then attempted to deck me.

mygorgeousmilo · 02/07/2017 19:17

alpaca is right, I fear.

OP is not much better than he is unfortunately. She will put her daughter through anything in order to feed her senseless and destructive addiction - which is being with this dreadful man.

Mamia15 · 02/07/2017 19:46

So being hungover, you decided to have even more alcohol at lunchtime?

Nice. Normal. Not when you're a parent of a young child.

alltoomuchrightnow · 02/07/2017 20:08

this is just a nasty joke to infertile people like me, how some parents abuse being parents and accept no personal responsibility.
Also threads are really annoying when they start off like this and expect people to know.. no background story to fill in..like we are supposed to know who this J and M are... it's a bit narcissistic.. as no one can possibly have read every past thread on here.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 20:19

I should learn to leave well alone but I've got to defend my decisions.

People ask what's actually changed if he's avoided therapy and is still drinking and smoking cannabis. Well he used to do both lots heavier from about 4-5ish and was moody and downright nasty sometimes. He used to sleep all day if he wasn't working and leave everything to me. Dd hated him and would shout at him to go back to bed when he surfaced. It's so different now. They get on really well and he is actively playing with her and teaching her and being a dad. He doesn't get aggro on me anymore and doesn't shout and call me names. I've made a rule that dd has to be settled asleep in bed before he can drink or smoke anything and he respects that. Loads more but you get the picture.

alpaca I've only come close to that situation once when some blokes started on him calling him a pathetic cunt for having a go at me in the street but he was paralytic and they would have hospitalised him so of course I had a go at them. It's a horrible situation to be in lose/lose all round. That was years ago.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 02/07/2017 20:22

Men like that NEVER change no one here is going to share your delusions with you. You sound like my sister she breaks up with her abusive partner all the time then 5 minutes later it's all 'there's blame on both sides, his changed, why can't you accept that etc.' Then wonders why he does exactly the same thing a few months later. Your kids deserve better.

alpacasandwich · 02/07/2017 20:25

God, when I wrote that comment I didn't think you'd come back and actually confirm it word for word.

OP, I don't think you're going to end up keeping your daughter if you stay with this man. Your situation is frankly terrifying.

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2017 20:40

"I've made a rule that dd has to be settled asleep in bed before he can drink or smoke anything and he respects that."

That has to be one of the most pathetic sentences i have ever read

noenemee · 02/07/2017 21:01

Heaven forbid DD ever needs any actual parenting during her usual sleeping hours, or worse, driving to hospital Sad

PoorYorick · 02/07/2017 21:25

I've made a rule that dd has to be settled asleep in bed before he can drink or smoke anything and he respects that. Loads more but you get the picture.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Better hope your daughter doesn't ever wake up while he's pissed and stoned and need any care, right?

OP, you do realise that people are SUPPOSED to parent their children, right? It's not a noble act deserving of great admiration and recognition.

And you think the biggest problem here is the name of the young woman sniffing around your pothead husband?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 21:54

Firstly, I'm always around and apart from last night don't get pissed and don't smoke at all.

Secondly, nowerdays he's not getting fucked up and incaperble on it. Another rule of mine is no more skunk as it's definitely more harmful. He's respecting that too.

OP posts:
MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 02/07/2017 22:05

I've only come close to that situation once when some blokes started on him calling him a pathetic cunt for having a go at me in the street but he was paralytic and they would have hospitalised him so of course I had a go at them

Jeremy Kyle is missing a trick with you two isn't he.

No, you didn't have to have "a go at them" you just had to explain he was a hopeless alcoholic and you'd deal with it. No wonder people don't step in to help victims of violence when they encounter attitudes like that.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 02/07/2017 22:07

Your opening post is utterly ridiculous. What were you expecting of people?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 02/07/2017 22:10

God, when I wrote that comment I didn't think you'd come back and actually confirm it word for word

It would be funny if it weren't a real life tragedy.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 22:11

Another rule of mine is no more skunk as it's definitely more harmful

There are no words.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 22:13

music I really don't think these blokes were actually interested in looking out for me, more that they wanted an excuse for a fight.

lass I know it was utterly ridiculous. I was drunk.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 22:14

Skunk is responsible for. A lot of mental health issues distance. I'm glad to have it out of my house.

OP posts: