To think I have the most unfortunately named love rival?

[RedStripeIassie]

I'm only just back with my dh after we split for a time and suddenly I find Jolene is back in our county and wants to get back in touch with him?

Every time I sound off about the fact they got history and she's always fancied him people start singing fucking Dolly Parton!

Last time I got really torn up over it and confidied in my dsis and BIL he put the damn song on and laughed for a whole few minutes and I forgave him because everyone was a bit drunk and stoned but them
Mary Anne never lets me forget either and she's meant to be close family

Just to clarify he'd never cheat on me and never has.

So you were out with friends and their DC on Saturday and it got a "bit boozy". Then you went to the pub with your DD yesterday? And your DH smokes weed/drinks in the evenings.

That is not a normal family life. And I'm a single mum on minimum wage and as working class as they come. Why does everything revolve around booze? I don't take my DS to the pub at the weekends, that's an adult activity not something to be doing with kids.

Why doesn't your DH make an effort to stop smoking weed altogether? That's what he should be doing. And why do you need to have "rules" surely he as a grown man should realize what is and is not acceptable?

Dont forget the family night out with DD and other kids that was 'a bit boozy'
But hey- its just us with the problem

As this thread started with songs, I'm afraid I cast you as Nancy from Oliver and your DH as Bill Sykes:

As long as he needs me
Oh, yes, he does need me
In spite of what you see
I'm sure that he needs me
Who else would love him still
When they've been used so ill
The way I feel inside
The love I have to hide
The hell! I've got my pride
As long as he needs me
He doesn't say the things he should
He acts the way he thinks he should
But all the same
I'll play this game
His way...
As long as he needs me
I know where I must be
I'll cling on steadfastly
As long as he needs me
As long as life is long
I'll love him right or wrong
And somehow I'll be strong
As long as he needs me
If you are lonely
Then you will know
When someone needs you
You love them so
I won't betray his trust
Though people say I must
I've got to stay true, just
As long as he needs me

It didn't work out well for Nancy in the end because yours is an old, old story. Please be prepared for your Bill Sykes to get tired of obeying your rules once he feels secure enough.

Sweetheart, you'll know when things are really better because you'll be able to be candidly open about the "old days" with your family and friends. I bet at the moment it's still all a shameful sort of secret you bear, is that right?

Do you remember that amazing feeling of not having him around the house? Of your daughter transforming before your eyes?

It's not just random people on Mumsnet in other sorts of lives telling you off or something - it's a lot of people who've gathered some insight into things over a lot of time. We're worried about you and your daughter.

I'm not determined to do anything, OP. You are determined to stay with the shit of your husband whatever happens.

You went back to him after three fucking months. He obviously hasn't changed and will not change (and no, smoking weed and drinking in the evenings IN THE HOME IN WHICH YOUR DAUGHTER SLEEPS is not an improvement, and it won't last). You have lied to your therapist. And you get drunk and post jealous ramblings about some silly woman (and no, I don't believe that was a one-off).

And yes, you did accuse MNetters at one point in a previous thread of not understanding your habits because they were too middle-class, or words to that effect. Some of us have been here all the way, and remember what happened and what you said.

We don't tell lies to ourselves to pretend everything is wonderful. It isn't.

you'll know when things are really better because you'll be able to be candidly open about the "old days" with your family and friends

I doubt that. The family are also happy to use drugs in front of their children.

There was a lot of his behaviour she couldn't tell them about as they'd have been furious.

I'm guessing it'll still be a secret because once a wife-beater (or partner-beater), always a wife-beater.

Even families who are happy with weed and alcohol can usually say that as people do not change. They just put good behaviour on until they get bored or complacent again.

By the way redstripe, how is your health now? I know you've been quite poorly

What a shame. I remember your posts from before and hoped you had managed to get away from this man for the sake of your daughter.

Because op, you HAVEN'T made changes.
You've accepted your dh doing drugs as if itS normal.
I have friends who go out and have drinks, i don't think its wrong.
They're not completely hammered by 930.
Their partners Aren't smoking weed whilst their kids are asleep.
People aren't determined to twist it negatively, it IS negative!
Everything you've posted!
Seriously, your therapist was going to report you to ss.
Is this not resonating with you??
At all?
Or is she also wrong?
Everyone on here including your therapist are all wrong?
Seriously op just stop.
Read through your posts.
ReAd them as if they were a stranger posting.
Reading them as if it were a little child living this ( because your daughter is).
All it takes is someone to report ypu to ss.

Honestly, you should consider the possibility that it's more likely that you're completely deluded, rather than every single poster on the thread being against you.

Making own rules does not work. My alcoholic ex fiance (also a big weed smoker) had his own rules.. eg no spirits (''spirits are just for tramps on park benches'') etc . He died from his drinking one and a half years ago, right to the end he thought he was in control because of the amount of cans he had per day, and 'no spirits'.
The only safe drugs is a drugFREE household
Do you want your daughter to have her own idea of normal?

lieka your post makes sense to me. I still get a bit worried about how much I opened up to friends and family about how life was whilst we were split up. I can't remember how much I told which people. The past is still a sort of shameful secret.

But one thing in your next post though. He's not a 'wife beater'. That makes him sound like he was constantly knocking me around. It was a few minor incidences and then the big one that made me actually leave him. And I did the right thing. I split the next day.

distance you are exaggerating again. My family arnt happy with people using drugs in front of children. Only my dh and BIL smoke it and very occasionally my dad. We are not like you're making out at all.

beyond thanks I'm so much better now. It was all that madness that changed things. We were still split up but he (as a friend) didn't leave my side and the nurses even let him stay over. He was utterly devoted even though we were split up.

I understand that posters think I'm deluded and I can't change that but he really has changed and just as importantly so have I and I'd never let us (all three of us) go back to living how we were. He wants to change and had told me to let him know if he's sliding or if I'm not happy with how things are. He wants to be a better person. The people that know dd know she's happy and stable. Her health visitor and nursery teacher have zero concerns and everyone comments on how happy she is.

I'm not deluded and think everything's perfect but things are good.

You want credit for leaving him when he tried to strangle you, but you are back with him?

Do you understand what leaving is??

This is like a car crash.

He used to hit you too? He had a go at you on th streets and others had to intervene? Your daughter knew his dealer?

Op you're justifying everything and yes you were planning to get back with him, you'd only split a few weeks when you posted about it and how he'd changed in that short time.

It is what it is and I suspect time will tell. At some point you will grow up and wish to God you got out when you could. Maybe when your daughter looks you in the eye and tells you she'll never forgive you.

She's a mess. She needs to be ignored and hopefully professional services will pick up on this car crash once and for all. So many people telling her it's normal she's convinced it fine so it's not worth wasting your breath. Smoking weed getting shit faced and knocking women about is normal in her world sadly and will soon be normal in her DDs world

No bluntness I just posted that he didnt hit me. He just used to get quite aggro first thing in the morning and if he was really drink but he never hit me. There was one bad incident and I left.

I'm just worried he hits the daughter at some point. The kind of man who indulges in domestic abuse seldom if ever changes, it's a lifetime of misery with the occasional respite. It's not been so long since the last incident. Six months?

The therapist was right to say she would get social services involved if the op brought him back. She was wrong not to do so. There is a child st risk here and a mother who puts her love life before her child's safety.

He never hits you but there was one bad incident, was that when he tried to strangle you? And you went back a few weeks later?

Red, do you want me to go digging back to your past posts in which you describe a party held by your family, in which people were smoking weed and drinking in front of the children, and while the children were sleeping? The posts in which you mention how your family don't see smoking weed and drinking as a big deal, and how your father and brother would smoke weed with your husband? It's all there. You just have to go back and search for it.

Again, some of us do remember everything. You don't want to, obviously.

Here it is:

"It wasn't like that. It was a family do. It was only that one uncle on coke. Everyone knows what he's like. Yes people were drinking and a few smoking pot (outside till the children were in bed) but not getting off their faces. There were lots of children about, a buffet, music. It was a party."

And I know this isn't done, but I no longer give a shit. As you don't seem to remember, here is what you said previously. I think it's worth taking a look at it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2758474-My-DP-doesnt-look-after-his-mind-body-or-soul

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2786080-My-partner-is-damaging-his-daughters-mind-body-and-soul-follow-on-thread

Then, when you started talking about how to lie to your therapist and get back with your husband, you went on OTBT.

That's his family. Not mine.

"No, my mum turns a blind eye and my Dad (very) occasionally joins them.

I was showing him the latest pics on the iPad last week and got a bit embarrassed trying to skim over one of dh skinning up. When I said 'oops drug pics' Dad laughed and said Fgs darling that's not drugs.... So yes I can see where my attitude may have stemmed from."

OP, it's amazing how you keep coming back to defend yourself and somehow make it sound worse every time. It would be laughable if it wasn't so desperately sad.