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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have the most unfortunately named love rival?

302 replies

RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 00:36

I'm only just back with my dh after we split for a time and suddenly I find Jolene is back in our county and wants to get back in touch with him?

Every time I sound off about the fact they got history and she's always fancied him people start singing fucking Dolly Parton!

Last time I got really torn up over it and confidied in my dsis and BIL he put the damn song on and laughed for a whole few minutes and I forgave him because everyone was a bit drunk and stoned but them
Mary Anne never lets me forget either and she's meant to be close family Angry

Just to clarify he'd never cheat on me and never has.

OP posts:
dontbesillyhenry · 03/07/2017 17:24

Ahhh uncle cokehead. As opposed to uncle nobhead. We all have one Hmm

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/07/2017 17:25

Please can you stop bringing up old threads.

I don't see my mum turning a blind eye and my dad having a couple of times once in a blue moon makes us a drug happy family.

OP posts:
DotForShort · 03/07/2017 17:37

How long have you been back together? A month? Two months?

Red, you may think that everyone is seeing something that isn't there. But honestly, the truth is that we are seeing what is really there (based solely on your own descriptions) and for whatever reason you are turning a blind eye to reality. I hope the fact that you keep returning to these threads means that deep down you know things aren't right.

isupposeitsverynice · 03/07/2017 17:48

Men who strangle women are ten times more likely to kill them. TEN TIMES. People will bring your old shit up again and again because there's a really good chance this man will kill you and even though you're a stranger to them, they don't want that to happen.

lieka · 03/07/2017 18:05

I know that "wife beater" isn't quite the correct term, but that's because you're not married ... what do you think qualifies?

Personally I think any time a man attacks his partner the way he attacked you, he qualifies. I think anyone who hasn't sought intensive therapy or tried to really change their behaviour (except the timings of it) hasn't even tried.

I think you're in danger.

Have you told your family and if not why wouldn't you if you think he'll never do it to you again?

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 18:07

Your husband kept skunk in your home, where your daughter could find it. He used to spend so much on drugs and alcohol that you were unable to buy your daugher a winter coat. .You couldn't bring children over because you worried about what they might notice. You allowed your daughter to stay at a party in which people where taking coke and weed in front of the children, and then continued to do it when they were sleeping. Your husband now "only" drinks and smokes weed when your daughter is asleep - and sometimes you get drunk then too. You and your daughters have taken your children to a "boozy lunch". And your parents don't give a shit about whether your husband or you drink or smoke weed, because "that's not drugs, darling". Your husband was aggressive to you and tried to strangle you once. Your therapist wanted to call social services because she thought your daughter was at risk and for you to have more counselling. You lied to your therapist to get back with your husband, who continues to take drugs.

But no, you are not a drug-happy family. Not at all.

DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 18:10

You and your FRIENDS have taken your children to a "boozy lunch

Orangetoffee · 03/07/2017 19:44

He was violent, broke things of yours and a mirror next to DD if I remember correctly, caused you to lose your deposit because of the damage to the flat. He didn't need to hit you, the threat was there.

PacificDogwod · 03/07/2017 19:52

RedStripelassie, yes, the credit for the positive changes in your and your DD's lives goes to you and you should quite rightly be proud of that. Thanks

What is frustrating everybody is that what you see as 'better' we all see as 'totally and utterly unacceptable'.
Your idea of healthy and normal is nowhere near what IS actually healthy and normal Sad.
That is not your fault, but your head has been well and truly messed with.

Somebody mentioned trauma bonding upthread. Look it up. Look up Stockholm Syndrome, look up co-dependency.
Have a look at the Freedom Program - I think I may have linked to it for you before.

What you cannot change is his behaviour - nobody can apart from him.
And sadly, the evidence suggests that he is likely to go back to his bad, old ways or worse.

Every week 2 women in the UK are killed by their partner or ex-partner. You are living in a very dangerous situation, lets be quite clear on that.

I am sure you will extricate yourself completely from him when you are ready.
Keep safe until then.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/07/2017 22:30

Right, I'm going to share this because I think people are imagining something much worse happened. I saved these posts to make sure I didn't dumb down the past or delud myself. I wrote to say exactly what happened in case I started thinking it wasn't so bad. I know what I'm like and that I forget too quickly.
I've been wondering about posting this but I think it shows that I'm not deluded because I remember. I've forgiven, not forgotten. This was enough to make me leave.

05/12/2016 03:28
RedStripeIassie
I'm not asleep. I won't sleep anymore tonight. I'm ending it tomorrow. He came home and was really, really bad. I threatened to call the police. I'm not hurt. He is. He smashed a glass, punched our massive bedroom mirror with dd in the same room. He called me every name under the sun. He pinned me down on the bed and shouted in my face, he pushed me down on the bed holding my neck. He pushed me out of bed. He wouldn't let me cover myself up with the duvet and I felt exposed because I was only wearing a tea shirt and pants. He kept trying to make me go in another room but I didn't. He punched walls.

05/12/2016 03:30
RedStripeIassie
He thinks it's all my fault and kept asking why I didn't call whilst we were away and did I know how hard he'd been working. He was so angry he was spitting. Kept getting really close to my face, holding me down.

05/12/2016 03:31
RedStripeIassie
He went out for a joint and came back sorry and fell asleep. I think the neighbours must have heard.

Not exactly getting beaten up is it? But my standards are high enough that I felt i didn't deserve it and dd didn't deserve to witness it (luckily she slept though it all even though she was in the same room). I split up with him then next day.

I believe he will never ever do anything like this again. If I didn't believe him I wouldn't get back with him. He was disgusted with himself when I told him what happened. He started changing from that moment.

OP posts:
hter · 03/07/2017 22:34

"He pinned me down on the bed and shouted in my face, he pushed me down on the bed holding my neck."

"Kept getting really close to my face, holding me down."

If you watched him do that to your child, what would you call it?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/07/2017 22:37

If he did that to my child I'd be in prison for murder.

OP posts:
MadMags · 03/07/2017 22:38

But why? Because it's not so bad, is it?

Not bad enough to raise a daughter away from all of that?

When she grows up and ends up with someone who does just that, you can be proud of the fact that you showed her what a relationship should look like...

EssieTregowan · 03/07/2017 22:41

Your standards are not high!

Jesus wept. He has well and truly broken down your defences. He smashed a mirror, punched walls and tried to strangle you IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD.

What on earth WOULD you class as violence?

mygorgeousmilo · 03/07/2017 22:42

I don't get what you're trying to say with this update - that it was not "as bad as people think"? That is actually about as bad as I imagined, on top of the druggy, drunk in the park, spending all the money on himself and generally being an abusive loser type stuff. This is all so far removed from normal, and is something I would have pressed charges over! Please attempt to see reason in the many responses to all of your posts. It's not the majority that's wrong, it's you - and your acceptance of him returning to the home and being around your daughter. The fact that any "family days out" you can ever think of referring to, to prove your daughter has a fun and happy life - are all punctuated with you all being at the pub or getting drunk and stoned with family. You keep going on about your rules and your high standards - you're not fooling anyone except yourself!

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/07/2017 22:42

I'm saying my standards are high enough because I didn't accept it and I left him the next day.

OP posts:
hter · 03/07/2017 22:43

Exactly. You'd have probably found it unforgivable.

But you're just as valuable as she is, just as vulnerable, and you're back under him again.

You must be on tenterhooks sometimes, waiting for it all to kick off again.

You don't feel secure with him even now, this thread started because of some arsey behaviour about another woman.

But you think this is enough for you - why?

EssieTregowan · 03/07/2017 22:44

And then took him back a few weeks later...

Even though he still drinks and takes drugs.

MadMags · 03/07/2017 22:45

You left and then went back.

You're dragging your child up with an abuser and maybe you don't think you deserve better, but she certainly does.

ExplodedCloud · 03/07/2017 22:45

You're somebody's child.
A healthy relationship doesnt have that violence in it.

mygorgeousmilo · 03/07/2017 22:46

As hter just said you started this thread because of a supposed love rival. Don't try and convince us all that you've now got a secure and loving relationship, please!

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 03/07/2017 22:47

He will never ever be violent again. He knows I could take everything he loves away from him again. He never beloved I'd leave before and I shocked him when I did.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 03/07/2017 22:53

"He will never ever be violent again. He knows I could take everything he loves away from him again. He never beloved I'd leave before and I shocked him when I did*

Try removing his drugs and his drink, and see what happens. Again.

kali110 · 03/07/2017 22:56

You HAD high standards.
You gave them up when you took him back.
Why are minimising what he did red?
That is appalling!
If he did that to your dd you'd kill him, but to you it's acceptable?
Do you want your dd to grow up thinking this is ok?
Would you want your dd to have a partner like yours?

hter · 03/07/2017 22:58

For your sake RedStripeLassie I really hope you're right, but think about what you're saying there:

  • Either he had control of his temper and chose to do it (abusive).
  • Or he didn't and has no real control (unpredictable).

I don't think there are any other real options.

Worryingly, he's not really worked in ways that could help; he's not stopped drugs completely, he's not had counselling, he practically stalked you at the hospital, cut you off from counselling support by making you feel you had to lie to keep him, he's moved in and now controls things from the way you write.

You've lost all element of surprise and he will be expecting your response next time.

Honestly, I'm not saying this as some preaching morality on the internet, and the truth is that anyone can turn out to be abusive, everyone has it in them I think. But I honestly think you're still in more danger than most.

(I also don't personally like that your daughter will grow up surrounded by booze and drugs, but that's a personal thing for me and isn't nearly as destructive as the model you're inadvertently giving her with this unhealthy relationship.)

Do you have an escape bag ready for the next time he does lose control again, whether that's weeks, months, years from now?