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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have the most unfortunately named love rival?

302 replies

RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 00:36

I'm only just back with my dh after we split for a time and suddenly I find Jolene is back in our county and wants to get back in touch with him?

Every time I sound off about the fact they got history and she's always fancied him people start singing fucking Dolly Parton!

Last time I got really torn up over it and confidied in my dsis and BIL he put the damn song on and laughed for a whole few minutes and I forgave him because everyone was a bit drunk and stoned but them
Mary Anne never lets me forget either and she's meant to be close family Angry

Just to clarify he'd never cheat on me and never has.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 10:59

He's an addict. Addicts won't (and can't) stop drinking or smoking weed without help. He's not asked for help. He doesn't want to stop being an addict.

An addict is not a good parent. And you sound pretty close to a drunk yourself.

indigox · 02/07/2017 11:00

No, you're sugarcoating your life. We know how bad it is from your previous posts.

stitchglitched · 02/07/2017 11:00

So how has he changed then if he is still a druggie? Changing would be engaging in therapy, or going to rehab and getting clean.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 11:03

The therapist dumped me because she felt I'd closed up to her after she mentioned SS and that I needed more intense councilling and more often.

If he can moderate, which he is then that means he's not an addict. He just needed drink and drugs to cope with life for a while when things were shit for all of us. I haven't forgotten how bad things got and I wouldn't tolerate sling back onto that life. Our life now is unrecognisable to the old life.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 11:04

And I'm not a drunk!!! That's a massive leap from getting pissed on a Saturday night.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 11:04

If he can moderate, which he is then that means he's not an addict. He just needed drink and drugs to cope with life for a while when things were shit for all of us.

No. You're not an addict if you can GO WITHOUT a substance indefinitely. If you can give it up forever. If you don't "need" it to cope.

Your husband is an addict. Things were shit for you because he made them shit. And he'll start using more again, and soon.

astoundedgoat · 02/07/2017 11:06

You seem determined to see our life as worse than it is.

Nobody on Mumsnet has invented anything here. All people here know about your life is what you have told us yourself, and you have told us that your husband is not a good man, husband or father. You knew you were risking losing your daughter by inviting him back into your life, and you have done it anyway. He knows two joints are fine, so what's the difference if he has a third? And by September, a fourth and fifth? And a bottle of wine? What are your daughter's clothes going to smell like at nursery by then?

You mentioned that it doesn't affect him any more than two small glasses of wine would affect you. Fair enough. But if you ABSOLUTELY, NON-NEGOTIABLY, HAD TO HAVE two glasses of wine every evening, and placed a higher value on those two glasses of wine than your relationship and your child, would you accept that maybe you had a problem? Your husband is an addict, and depressingly, this is him on his "best behaviour".

That's why people are being harsh with you here.

If you went back to your therapist and told her the unvarnished truth, would she help you? Would you like to be helped?

stitchglitched · 02/07/2017 11:06

If he can moderate then why doesn't he stop altogether?

DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 11:07

And why did your therapist mention SS, I wonder? And why did she think that you needed counselling more often?

IncidentalAnarchist · 02/07/2017 11:11

Sorry but I think you're an absolute disgrace.

Your poor daughter

Stop being so bloody selfish.

I hope SS do get involved, nothing else is taking the blinkers off.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 11:11

And the funniest thing is that, after all you and your daughter went through, you come on here, drunk, to whinge about another woman who might be your "love rival" in the affections of your worthless husband (let's remember that this is the man who happily smoked away the family money while his daughter went without a winter coat). And you expect us to feel sympathy.

Great priorities, Stripe.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 11:17

I'm off to the playground. With my happy family to do normal Sunday things.

I've forgiven him and he's changed and that's what matters. He's being a great dad and a great husband and our daughter is growing and being nurtured.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 11:20

Yep. Keep telling yourself that.

And then come on here drunk on a Satuday night to complain about how jealous you are of Jolene after your husband spends the evening smoking weed. And after your therapist has mentioned bringing SS in and upping your counselling. Because that's completely normal. Everything's fine!!!

SleightOfMind · 02/07/2017 11:21

All I can say is that you picked a fine time to leave him Lucille...

SleightOfMind · 02/07/2017 11:23

Oops Sorry! Should have rtft Blush
As you were.

IncidentalAnarchist · 02/07/2017 11:24

Normal Sunday things? Like getting drunk and stoned?
Lovely

kali110 · 02/07/2017 11:25

he can moderate, which he is then that means he's not an addict.

Who the hell told you this crap?
You're deluding yourself.
You can keep lying to yourself but you're the one putting your daughter at risk.
Why do you think no one on here has agreed with you?
I'm not one to say people can't have second chances but how many are you going to give this man?
He hasn't even changed! ( he hasn't he's still smoking weed except you've just excepted it).
When ss get involved and they will, who will you blame then?
Please wake up op, you and your dd BOTH deserve better.

alpacasandwich · 02/07/2017 11:27

Was this the OP with a 3 yr old who had to have anger management?

DearMrDilkington · 02/07/2017 11:31

Is the other woman really called Jolene?

You both sound a bit of a mess really. Is Jolene a pothead too? Or does she get her highs from flings with another womans man?

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2017 11:33

Oh I remember you op. That's very sad he is still getting stoned or drunk daily. Who was looking after your child last night when you were pissed and posting about Jolene who offered your op a bj? Was she staying with Someone else? Or was this stand up guy sober and looking after her? Or were both her parents rolling around drunk whilst she was in their care?

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2017 11:40

I'm also curious about the change in finances, how you're so affluent now? You child can get new clothes, you can afford whatever you need and treats, as well as daily pot and booze. What changed there?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 02/07/2017 11:48

Be honest with all therapists otherwise what's the fucking point
They get paid a lot of money and you are just wasting your time if you don't engage
Look up borderline personality disorder and stop drinking and posting

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 11:49

I wasn't that drunk. I could still post and spell. Able to care for her but once she's asleep she's out for the night. I'm not happy I got drunk in her care. Not something I'd usually do.

I moved to somewhere paying half the rent when I left him and borrowed money off my dad. Now he's moved in and working a good job plus he earns cash in hand jobs on top so we are much better off.

OP posts:
DotForShort · 02/07/2017 11:50

Oh, dear. I am so sorry to read that you have chosen to return to this man. I absolutely believe that people can change but it certainly doesn't sound as though he has. He is still an addict who is actively using drugs and alcohol. What's more, he has somehow managed to convince you that the problems in your relationship are your fault, rather than taking responsibility for himself and putting an end to the daily drinking and drug use. If he truly wanted to change, he would do that as the first and most essential step. But the drugs and alcohol are more important to him than anything else.

In a month or two or six, I would not be surprised if he is back to the same levels of alcohol and weed consumption that he was on before. Your daughter is the innocent one in all of this. It is easy to say that you would do anything for her and that she is the love of her life. But those are only words. Your actions paint a different picture entirely.

I really don't want to make you feel bad. I really wish you nothing but the best. But the situation is so clear to everyone on the outside looking in. It is very telling that the therapist thought you needed more intensive counselling. Are you pursuing that?

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 02/07/2017 11:50

I think I'd sing it too tbh