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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think 20 year old DD is taking the piss a bit?

380 replies

loosechangebanknotes · 01/07/2017 22:47

DD is in her 1st year of uni. She is living at home. She has kept her part-time job that she had in sixth form.

We haven't made her pay this year for rent, etc. or anything like that to be nice, but figured next year we need to ask. We are asking for 15% of what she earns that week.

She has relatively recently started all these activities (she has lost 3 stone and is a lot more confident etc. etc.) things like yoga, dance, drama and all kinds of adult classes.

She claims she isn't going to be able to afford to give us 15% because of these activities. It's not unfair is it to say she is going to need to stop however many until she can afford it, is it?

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 01/07/2017 22:48

Do you need the money?

Morecaffeineplease · 01/07/2017 22:51

Absolutely not Shock
At 15 I was giving my parents 25% of my salary.
Excellent learning curve for me....gotta be cruel to be kind.

IF she threatens to move out, go to friends etc, she's be charged a hell of a lot more than what I imagine your expenses for keeping her will be.

UrsulaPandress · 01/07/2017 22:51

Why is it different now she as university? I presume she does not have a maintenance loan.

ChasedByBees · 01/07/2017 22:52

Why do you figure you need to ask for a contribution? She's in FT education and sounds like her classes are benefitting her personal growth. Do you need the money?

ClopySow · 01/07/2017 22:53

She's taking the piss.

Original poster
loosechangebanknotes · 01/07/2017 22:54

We don't need the money, no. It would help though. Surely it's also important? All her friends have maintenance loans and need to learn to budget, etc. if I just let her off, she won't understand it all, will she? Confused I know the classes are good for her, but we can't all do what we want if we can't afford it!

OP posts:
2014newme · 01/07/2017 22:54

Unless you are desperate then yabu.

FilledSoda · 01/07/2017 22:54

It would be great to be able to support her if you can.
Obviously if the family's finances can't stretch to that then it would be appropriate to request a proportionate contribution

LatteLady · 01/07/2017 22:56

Of course she should pay. The other classes are optional. For all we know, you are saving the money for her deposit. You are Housing, feeding and paying her utilities, if she was away at Uni, she would pay and your hotel of mum and dad is infinitely cheaper.

HoneyDragon · 01/07/2017 22:56

My parents contributed toward my brothers living expenses at uni.

When I got into a local very good uni my parents are thrilled when I asked if I could live with them as it saved them a fortune. It also helped me save my wages so I had my own place with dh by the time I graduated.

Katinkka · 01/07/2017 22:57

Sounds like she's investing in herself. I wouldn't take money unless I needed it.

itsbetterthanabox · 01/07/2017 22:58

I don't understand taking it just to make a point.
She'll soon have to pay for everything for herself. It's just a few years at uni let her concentrate on that along with enjoying herself and getting into great habits like exercise and broadening her horizons.

lobsterface · 01/07/2017 23:00

If you don't need it I wouldn't take it. But then I'd also be helping her budget.

Lovestonap · 01/07/2017 23:01

This doesn't seem to make sense.
Surely one of the main reasons she is staying at home is so she doesn't have to start her life with a shed load of student debt.....
Your daughter is studying, working and enriching her life.
I'd give her the next two years, with the understanding that come graduation you are expecting her to ship out pronto.
I'm normally in favour of adult children paying board, but in this case I'm really not sure it's the right thing to do.
If she does decide to move out it will probably end up costing you more in the long run.

category12 · 01/07/2017 23:05

Surely she has some comprehension of money and budgeting already over the years with pocket money and saving and so forth? I'm not sure why you think you need to teach her that now by taking money off her. I think because she;s working on self-improvement and you don't actually need the money, it's a bit strange. I could understand if you were struggling.

00100001 · 01/07/2017 23:05

You'll get slated OP. This is mumsnet. The strange land where you are expected to financially support your adult offsprinGood even when they're earning £5 million.

If you ever even think of charging them even a penny in rent. The. You are a Bad Parent. And you definitely don't love them.

JanetStWalker · 01/07/2017 23:06

YABU.

JGK0 · 01/07/2017 23:07

YANBU

I was lucky enough to go to Uni before the age of student loans and when you could claim unemployment in the holidays (yes I am that old).

I had no chance of working in the vacations as the unemployment rate was ~25%. Even so, I gave my parents 50% of the unemployment checks I received. it was not enough to cover the costs of keeping me but it was something.

if you don't give your kids an idea of what the real world is like, they'll never be able to cope. You are also, albeit unintentionally, hampering their ability of ever leaving the nest.

sysysysref · 01/07/2017 23:09

I wouldn't ask for money from a child at university. When they are working full time and graduated yes, but if you don't need the money then def not when she is a student

sysysysref · 01/07/2017 23:10

00100001 on the contrary I would say that mumsnet is where the moment they hit 18 it's normal to ask your child to be completely independent even if they are a FT student

KoolKoala07 · 01/07/2017 23:11

Yanbu
Bills before social/luxury.
Doesn't hurt to have an insight into the real world.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 01/07/2017 23:12

15% is very reasonable. It's what I paid my parents.

Do you buy her food and toiletries?

She is an adult so should make a contribution.

BackforGood · 01/07/2017 23:12

I am presuming you had a conversation about finance when she started looking at Universities? How did that go?
If it was about staying at home / going to home town universities to save money, then presumably you had a conversation at that point about still needing to contribute something for housekeeping ?
I think my point is, if she has made a conscious choice to miss out on all the fun that is living away from home purely to save money, on the assumption that living at home would be free, then it is a big shock to her if this is the first mention of paying for her keep. Ywould have BU not to have discussed things first. However, if you did have those discussions, then you should stand by what was said.
I generally think all adults should understand that they have to pay their 'needs' out of any income, before having money to spend on 'wants', so would normally charge an adult child living at home, yes, but your answer to what was discussed when she was choosing the university has a big impact on my thinking here.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 01/07/2017 23:12

I wouldn't ask for rent whilst she's in f/t education - unless you intend to save it for her?

WillowWeeping · 01/07/2017 23:13

YABU- your DD is studying, working and engaging in her own personal development. You don't need the money so don't request it.

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