AIBU to think 20 year old DD is taking the piss a bit?

[loosechangebanknotes]

DD is in her 1st year of uni. She is living at home. She has kept her part-time job that she had in sixth form.

We haven't made her pay this year for rent, etc. or anything like that to be nice, but figured next year we need to ask. We are asking for 15% of what she earns that week.

She has relatively recently started all these activities (she has lost 3 stone and is a lot more confident etc. etc.) things like yoga, dance, drama and all kinds of adult classes.

She claims she isn't going to be able to afford to give us 15% because of these activities. It's not unfair is it to say she is going to need to stop however many until she can afford it, is it?

Many parents financially contribute to their children to support them at Uni if they can afford it, not the other way around. If you were on a low income and needed her to pay towards food and rent to make ends meet that's a totally different story.

As it is, YABU. It's brilliant that she's taken her life in hand and lost 3 stone, why don't you want to support her in that? She's not spending the money on beer and fags (I assume). Give the girl a break and let her keep the 15% until she leaves Uni and gets a FT job.

You'll get slated OP. This is mumsnet. The strange land where you are expected to financially support your adult offsprinGood even when they're earning £5 million

If you ever even think of charging them even a penny in rent. The. You are a Bad Parent. And you definitely don't love them

Yes X10.

Or take the money and put it aside for later,it doesn't do anyone any good to think there is an endless pot of money available.

I would think the work she needs to do at uni will step up in the second and certainly the third year so the hobbies, and possibly the job, might drop by the way anyway.
I would ask her to save more if she has spare money.

Taking board money doesn't teach someone to budget. If clever enough for uni then they are more than clever enough to work out bills vs salary.

We expect to help ours out if they go to uni, not take money off them. Whilst they are in education they are our responsibility.

She sounds very sensible, she saves some and is using the rest to have a positive impact on her life.

YABVU.

She is in FT education.

Because she is saving £50 then I absolutely wouldn't charge her. She may just use that to pay you instead which is totally pointless. I paid for my itemised phone bill and for an extra sky box in my room and I worked full time. This allowed me to save and move out into my own house at 22. If I had been charged rent it would have taken so much longer.

Taking it just to make a point is mean. I think yabu. She is educating herself and also working on her self confidence. How the fuck can you begrudge that?

I don't think it's anything to do with people thinking you don't love your kids if you charge them rent!

A lot of people just don't see the point in taking money off your children when it's not money you need to feed them/clothe them. Student loans don't exactly result in you rolling in money and most jobs won't pay more than minimum wage for a few hours a week - why make them struggle on even less just to make a point?

I lived off £50 a week at uni after rent, but before bills, food, books etc. and that was only ten years ago. When I moved back home I had a £1500 overdraft to pay off and I'm eternally grateful that my parents never asked for rent until it was paid off and I was able to save money each month without going into the red again.

If you ask for board when you don't require the money you are only teaching her that you're prepared to take money form someone to prove a point.

You obviously think she has it too good at the moment and what her to pay

I think I'd be that proud of her achievements that if I didn't need the money I wouldn't take it in this instance.

I would wait until she has a full-time job but I would insist she does her own washing, cleans her room and does her share of the cooking and clearing up.

The other thing is, it would probably cost you more if she was living away from home as her living costs would not be covered by a part time job.

YABVU

If you needed the money then fair enough, but you don't.

It doesn't sound as though you like her very much

I stayed at home during uni and had a pt job. Parents didn't charge me but also I was responsible for buying all my own clothes, toiletries, shoes ect. Mum only brought food, I brought everything else. I was also expected to save each month too

You're legally bound to support her if she's a student under the age of 25
Really? do you have a source for this?

Yabu. She's a student, you are supposed to be giving her money!
Why?

If clever enough for uni then they are more than clever enough to work out bills vs salary.
Yeah, this is proved by all the students who left uni many years ago, and are not in debt now?

Why is OP BU by getting DD to pay some rent - this is what happens in the real world - again I agree with if the OP doesnt need the money, put it in a savings account and give to DD when she leaves uni (although this plan doesnt work well if there are younger DC as they will know how it works)

The thing is OP, unless she's declared as self supporting, you have a responsibility to support her whilst she's in FT education. You actually sound a bit resentful of the activities she's doing to improve her self esteem, whereas you should be doing everything you can to encourage her

I think your dd sounds lovely, op. I think it will be great in two years time, with a degree, an employment history and her health and confidence at a high, when she can hit the job market ground running.

I think you should leave her be. She's doing great and you don't need the money.

reading back my post comes across as really harsh, and its not meant to be - mainly in this bit,

Yabu. She's a student, you are supposed to be giving her money!
If you can afford to give your DC money then that's great but if you cant then its not so easy.

Hopefully i will be able to help my DC, if/when they get to uni, but who knows whats in the future?

I think its healthy for young adults who are working to give a % of their income over to the household where they live, (even if they get it back later) as it teaches a feeling of 'its not all for me to do what i like with' which is a life lesson

I lived at home until I was 20, never paid a penny in rent and I was in a full time job for the final year of living there.

I managed to budget when I did move out and totally manage our family finances now - It's not like there is a 'critical window' to learn this stuff!

If you don't need the money you should support her new healthy lifestyle and enable her to stick to her new classes.

@jeffvadersmum. The amount students can borrow is dependent on their parents income. So there is a responsibility on parents to pay up. We have two currently at university and we pay just under £9000 a year between them.

Yeah, the clever enough to attend uni = clever enough to budget is bollocks. Even back in my day, most of my school mates had at least one credit card maxed out at all times.

It depends on what conversations you had around money before she started.

If she'd gone away to university, most parents expect that they'll top up a loan or pay for certain expenses. So instead of taking money off them you're giving it.

In your situation, instead of supporting her with extra money towards rent/living expenses you're supporting her (and paying out on) extra expenses generated by her being at home. But I assume that's food /utilities and not much else? So it's cheap perhaps compared to what you'd pay if she was away.

In addition, she's working a p/t job and saving money too. All great for her future.

If your anxiety around "budgeting" is the issue - whether she'll learn to if she doesn't pay rent - then just work on that aspect by discussing it. Suggest that in future she'll need about 30% of her income for housing, show her the utility bills etc, make her aware of what things cost. Explain what needs to be budgeted for and paid for BEFORE hobbies. Explain that while she's a student she actually might have more disposable income than when she moves out and graduates and has to pay all these bills herself. Explain the rent idea was to help her in the future not to set up unreasonable expectations of how much money she'll have to spend. You could suggest she saves an extra £25 as a gesture instead? Talk, talk, talk.

If I was going to charge anything, £60 (15%) sounds about right for food and that's a measurable expense. It might
sound better than the 15% figure which seems arbitrary. But don't take money for the sake of it without properly discussing why you feel it is necessary.

i love this thought

if clever enough for uni she can work out budgting

since when is being academic the same thing as common sense?

I didnt go to uni does that mean im stupid?

Even back in my day, most of my school mates had at least one credit card maxed out at all times.

Yes and head over to the money threads on here for an example of supposedly mature responsible adults who have spent beyond their means and are in serious debt when they have children to support. Dont single students out.

I don't get the charging rent thing either to learn them.

Even at uni i never met someone who spent all their money ob frivolity to the extent they couldn't pay their hall fees or a young person who didnt prioritise the rent.

Don't most towns have a uni? Yes, but thousands of students don't live close enough to live at home and not all unis offer all courses.

I still don't understand. Is the problem that she is managing to save some of her earnings because she lives at home therefore she should give you something towards her keep? What do you pay for?