AIBU to think 20 year old DD is taking the piss a bit?

[loosechangebanknotes]

DD is in her 1st year of uni. She is living at home. She has kept her part-time job that she had in sixth form.

We haven't made her pay this year for rent, etc. or anything like that to be nice, but figured next year we need to ask. We are asking for 15% of what she earns that week.

She has relatively recently started all these activities (she has lost 3 stone and is a lot more confident etc. etc.) things like yoga, dance, drama and all kinds of adult classes.

She claims she isn't going to be able to afford to give us 15% because of these activities. It's not unfair is it to say she is going to need to stop however many until she can afford it, is it?

Ate you really that poor? Or just mean?

£400 a month isn't a great deal - does she drive? Is it £400 a month for a car, petrol, phone, lunches etc?

I find the whole mumsnet thing of "your kid is 18 and an adult" bizarre. At 24 I lived at home and paid digs- my parents saved the digs money and gave me it back at 26 when I bought a flat.

Just because your kid is legally an adult doesn't mean you have to take rent if you don't need it.

*im now independent, pay my bills and organise my life wonderfully. My parents contributing to my uni costs and flat deposit have caused me no lasting damage.

My mum wanted to charge me rent when I came home from uni for the summer hols. So I didn't go home. Found a job as a live in care assistant one year, worked at a children's summer camp another, that way I was paying less and also earning more. I didnt feel that I was wanted by my parents anymore and that it wasnt my home. I knew at that point I couldn't depend on them. It may have made me more independent but it ruined my relationship with them.Now they moan we see more of DHs parents and that we never take DD to see them.

Just saying your DD may decide to move out and get a loan.

I'm going to assume you wanted to have children (apologies if you didn't) so surely you took on the responsibility to provide for them until they were independent? - I.e set up in a career? Does your DD pay for things like clothes, toiletries, study materials etc - if she does then I would say she is doing fine in the budgeting lark.

UABU She is in FT education. Unless you're desperate leave her alone. She will have decades to fend for herself. What are you trying to prove.

My dd bought clothes and stuff i bought the usual bathroom stuff but if they wanted to but expensive products they bought their own it is only for a few years when hopefully they get a proper job

Actually you should be supporting her, not the other way round.

Presumably she has a uni loan to repay.

When I was in Uni, my parents still gave me money to trade on the stock market based on the grades I received so I could pay for my house in full when I decided to fully move out at 21.

Of course, every family has their unique way of doing things. But from my point of view, I think that as long as she's respectful at home, conscientious in her studies, and mature enough to plan for the future, I'd forgo the rent.

She's not pissing the money on booze she's spending it on classes to support her weight loss and confidence. If she was working full time and not at uni that's different. If you don't need the money then leave it until she's finished. But no more extra money from you. So she learns to budget what she has.

How are YABU? Some of these responses are crackers.
Surely if you're living in your parents home rent free at the age of 20 and then turn round and say "sorry, not paying anything as I've got yoga classes, drama classes and dance classes to pay for" you're taking the piss?
Try moving out and see exactly where your money takes you.
It's posts like this and my responses that makes me see I'm old - when I was living at home at 19 and getting £100 a month - I had to give my parents half of that.
"Soooo unfair!!" lol. Now though, I can see why they did. I appreciate the value of money. Those who think it's soooo unfair are either loaded and don't miss it or have no concept of letting their child grow up and having to pay their own way/become a rounded competent adult of their own.

Ate you really that poor? Or just mean?

Is it mean though? Or just accepting that your child is an adult and helping them become one?

"Those who think it's soooo unfair are either loaded and don't miss it or have no concept of letting their child grow up and having to pay their own way/become a rounded competent adult of their own."

Nope.

My parents never charged me rent for living at theirs at various points in my adult life. It had fuck all to do with teaching me the value of money, the art of budgeting, and inspiring me to be driven and make something of myself. That took them the first 18 years, before I left home for the first time.

Is it mean though? Or just accepting that your child is an adult and helping them become one?

At a time that most parents would be giving their DC money towards their rent, and helping them out with living expenses? Unless you are going to suggest that anyone who helps their child get through university is infantilising them and impairing their path to adulthood?

OP, presumably your DD was overweight to have had 3 stone to lose. And presumably you are proud of her for having lost this and want her to keep the weight off?

On what planet are you prioritising taking money you don't need, over helping her cement healthy attitudes and routines towards exercise, and working on the confidence and self-esteem she is inevitably going to need to enter the job market?

That's going to be a lot more useful to her journey to adulthood than the no-shit-Sherlock 'lesson' that you have to pay rent at some point

Everybody is entitled to maintenance loan. Yes granted some more than others but every student gets something- isn't the base about £3k a year?

Out of that I'm sure your DD can afford to fork out £100 odd quid a month rent. Unless she is taking spin classes with Kate Middleton I don't see how these activities can be taking up so much of her money??

Our local gym costs about £20 a month
can you tell I haven't been for over a year and classes are included in the pricem

We charge DSD rent of sorts. We don't need it- but we also don't want her thinking she can sit on several hundred pounds a month and think she can live the high life and get smacked in the face by reality once she is on her own.

She pays the share of the household bills (me and DH pay 75% and she pays 25%) and buys her own food. Also does her own cooking (Unless eating with us) and expected to do her own ironing and usually does her own laundry.

She is 18.

I don't charge whilst mine are in school but they are responsible for themselves. I buy the food and they'll all contribute in other ways but I don't expect them to pay me. It's more important to me that they are being educated and working on themselves and their futures.
I have one in full time work and he pays me board each week.

When my son reaches that age I want him to be enjoying life and developing himself as much as possible. I certainly don't want him struggling for money. My mum made me pay rent and I was always broke. I ended up moving out. Never really forgave her for it.

15% of £400 is £60 a month.

You dont need the money and it would make a huge difference to her.

What's the point in taking £15 a week you do not need?

If you really don't need it, YABU. Let her enjoy these years. Why charge her if you don't need the money? It's weird. I can't understand why anyone wants to make their DC life difficult. Sometimes it's jealousy.

Wtf she's at uni and working and getting in debt and you're going to work against her by charging her? She's in full time education ...

I think YABVU. Surely your dd is sacrificing a great deal of her student experience (in terms of personal and social development) by being at home; I would cut her some slack and allow her to do these classes which are helping her.

If one of my dds got onto a local course and stayed at home I'd be delighted because it would save us all so much money. Surely your dd is saving you a load of cash every month by being at home?

I had to move back home a couple of times after uni and my parents were v supportive of me. I'm still very grateful for that.

Novel ahead, sorry - Quite interesting reading some viewpoints & I wonder if these pps have children of this Uni or near age (just saying as I think that we all have ideas or projections of how "we" or "our" children will be at various life stages).
I have 3 sons, all adults & the youngest at 26 still at home. I have posted before how he moved back in for a complicated reason which has now ended. He & I are both strongly agreed that he needs to move out, but (I think) he is now being incredibly picky over where he will move too (other houses too $$, not big enough, limited rentals about etc - basically, excuses). He has never paid board or contributed to our living expenses & this is a real issue for me (our eldest did though when he was at Uni, paying a % of his allowance; our next son moved out of home straight from school to work & has never been back; this one has flatted briefly, travelled overseas, got in trouble & had to live here, just never moved out again). My DH is very passive on the subject & has said that he will never make any of his children pay board so this #3 one really pushes that boat out & gets his Dad on side. You could say the bigger problem is the DH :( , but as son #3 is taller & stronger than me I dont push the issue very often - but it is a strain. He works, has disposable income, eats food here & uses hot water/power - but makes no $$ contribution. The real world is not like that, & I think that our children need to learn that a proportion of our earnings should be used to contribute to the overall living expenses you benefit from. If your daughter was not at Uni but working (as in her 1st choice of options post school) then she would/could be paying; if she wasnt doing the self-improvement classes (another life/2nd choice) would she be paying then. I think that contributing is a non negotiable - how can any of our kids would say to their flat mates - I dont want to pay, as my yoga/pub nights/Uni costs are more impt to me. I'm not a great example to get them to pay, but more this is what happens when its left too late. Good luck.

Your daughter will be saddled with debt from uni fee's and loans. It will take her years and years to pay this off. And you want to make things more difficult for her despite not needing the money yourself? She has shown real commitment in losing weight and getting healthy. Did she put on this weight post-18 or were you responsible for an unhealthy lifestyle whilst she was a child in your care? Why are you trying to penalise her for trying to improve herself on all fronts? She is in FT education. YABVU.

She only lives once and has the rest of her life to pay bills.

If you don't need the money I don't see the point. £390 a month isn't exactly a big wage and if she has to pay for travel, lunches or food out, uni supplies and social activities then I am surprised she does it all even on that money! As for the 'real world' argument, she can do that after uni!