AIBU to think 20 year old DD is taking the piss a bit?

[loosechangebanknotes]

DD is in her 1st year of uni. She is living at home. She has kept her part-time job that she had in sixth form.

We haven't made her pay this year for rent, etc. or anything like that to be nice, but figured next year we need to ask. We are asking for 15% of what she earns that week.

She has relatively recently started all these activities (she has lost 3 stone and is a lot more confident etc. etc.) things like yoga, dance, drama and all kinds of adult classes.

She claims she isn't going to be able to afford to give us 15% because of these activities. It's not unfair is it to say she is going to need to stop however many until she can afford it, is it?

She's in full time education, so obviously not.

YABU

And I say this as someone who was paying my DM 25% as soon as I had a holiday job.

If she is intelligent enough for her degree she is smart enough to understand "home" costs are less than "real world" costs.

If you really must take it when you don't need it, you should put it away for her for the massive rental deposit she will need one day

I went away to university and my parents paid my rent. They wanted to make sure I could afford to go and made the most of my time there.

I guess it depends on whether you see your role as ending at 18, and how much money you have.

But it sounds like these activities are making your daughter much healthier and happier - would you rather her fat, unhappy, and out with that 15% to spend?

There are some really "grabby" people on some of these threads. Unless you are in dire financial circumstances and cannot keep a roof over your familys head, in no way is it right to take money from school children or those in education.

"back in the day" that makes my piles its as well . Back in the day we shoved kids up chimneys but we don't any more.

How things have changed! When I left school last century there was a thing called the UTS scheme I got £28 a month wages and gave my mum and dad £10 ...thats nothing compared to what they gave me....so yes at 20 years of age she should pay towards living there.

YTS not UTS

Well actually, you will be taking her savings won't you because I'm guessing it will be the money she would normally save that you will be taking.

Honestly, she's at uni, working, improving herself with some classes and saving. She sounds like she's got her head screwed on.

I have no idea what you think you'll achieve by taking her money.

I absolutely wouldn't charge.
Not like she's pissing money up the wall on drinking.

She's your daughter. Root for her. Help her out. Don't sabotage her efforts by charging her an amount that is pretty insignificant to you, but significant to her.

YTS was work. Not education.

She sounds amazing to be able to transform her confidence etc she's not pissing it up a wall , why on earth wouldn't you reinforce how proud you are of her choices by supporting her in this way ? It feels like you would just be making a point by charging her, the fact she saves too mans she is money savvy, give her a break for goodness sake!

Btw WONDERS Does that make it right then, just because you had to !

YABU

When My DS goes to uni I will probably have to give him spending money (I'm not sure he will be able to cope with a pt job, I'd live to be proved wrong) So your DD is probably saving you money by living at home.

I didn't go to uni. I started working ft after college. I only paid 10% of my wages, I saved for a deposit for a house and paid for TV licence and sky bills. And did uni part time.

Your daughter works part time, studying, still at home. I think she's doing alright. More than a nominal amount that you should save for her I think is unreasonable to ask.

It's obviously your decision - but I think it would be great if my daughter was spending her cash on personal development classes. Many her age spend their funds on clothes and drinking. Personally I would wait until she was in fulltime employment. Maybe at 18 she is technically an adult, but in reality she is still in fulltime education and doesn't seem to be getting paid much more than when she was 17 if she still has the same part-time job.

Confusedandintrigued Sun 02-Jul-17 06:44:34
I absolutely wouldn't charge.
Not like she's pissing money up the wall on drinking.

She's your daughter. Root for her. Help her out. Don't sabotage her efforts by charging her an amount that is pretty insignificant to you, but significant to her.

This is exactly what I was going to post. I just could not consider taking money off my child if I did not need it and she was spending it on things to help herself. No way.

I think it's a bit tight as she's in full time education and not earning much. The fact that she's putting some away is brilliant. To be honest none of the people I know who went away to uni learned to budget, that came when we had full time jobs. She sounds sensible!

I have a son in exactly the same situation.

We support him. I give him money , often put a tenner in his pocket, pay for take aways etc. We can afford it and it makes his life a little nicer.

There are things that are non-negotiable in the real world (paying your bills, your rent, paying for food, etc) and then there are things that are nice to have but not non-negotiable (hobbies etc).

I absolutely believe that hobbies etc are important for a balanced life and for good mental health, but this is the time in her life, perhaps the last time, when you have an opportunity to teach her the difference between non-negotiable and optional expenses. The bottom line is, paying for room and board and the like is not negotiable. When she budgets for the week, those are dealt to FIRST. If she cannot afford her three or more hobbies after room and board, then she cannot do them.

Look at it this way: if she told a private landlord that she "couldn't afford rent" because she had to pay for her hobbies, would they nod their head and just write the loss off? Or would they start proceedings to evict her?

The kindest thing you can do is administer a little tough love here. Show her through putting your foot down the correct way to budget her money. If she has to drop a hobby or two to make ends meet, so be it: that is part of being a grown up. Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be around to pick up the slack forever.

YABU when she is in full time education.

Different story when she leaves and gets a job.

When I was 20 I started my Nursing Degree and moved in with my dad who lived near the University I was attending. My parents had been separated since I was 5 but he'd always maintained contact with us.

Anyway, my NHS Bursary was about £238 a month and he asked for £140 of it. I also did about 50% of the food shopping. My dad was on a very good wage and did not need the money.

In my second year at Uni, based on my dad's wage I was not entitled to an NHS Bursary yet my dad still expected the same rent so I had to get myself a job in order to pay him. I was working 13 hour shifts on placements, doing my assignments alongside those full time hospital placements and having to find time to work my job each week too and I was totally burnt out. I ended up selling clothes and nursing books on eBay just to raise the money to pay my dad. My mom noticed the change in me towards the end of my second year and asked me what was going on so I explained the situation and she was LIVID. I think she went a bit crazy at my dad and then he told me they during my final year at University he wouldn't expect any rent off me.

It was all very bizarre.

I wish he'd only asked for 15%.

Life is hard enough.
Don't take money unless you are broke.
She sounds like a great dynamic person. Let her be until she graduates.

I think YABU. My parents didn't charge me rent in my holidays and neither did DH's. We will do the same for our DCs assuming we can afford that.

I don't get all this 'teach her a life lesson'. I had financial assistance from my parents through uni and yet somehow still managed to get a very good job, buy a house, live debt free etc. I didn't need my parents needlessly asking for rent to enable me to learn how to budget etc.