To want a daughter so very much

[seaotterly]

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

seaotterly, I am perhaps judging from personal experience here, but I always felt it quite a burden that my mother expected me to "understand her" in a way that she didn't expect of any of her brothers

the truth was that while we all loved her dearly (and still do) two of my brothers at least "got her" much better than I did

but obviously it looked like we were closer because I worked hard to live up to expectations- as girls so often do

the result was that I became rather anxious of showing what I was really like, how I really felt, what I really liked or disliked, or what I really couldn't relate to, because I felt her need "to be understood" so strongly

I still feel guilty about that

I don't want to lay that on my daughter

I don't know why it is so difficult to accept for some people. I accept that someone can equally want a boy or a girl, please accept that some people - like OP or myself - have a preference

I think one of the reasons why people find this hard is that (as I admitted earlier was my initial response to the OP - I did then try and be more thoughtful/helpful) if you've had losses or in other ways struggled to have children then the thought of getting one and fussing about whether it's a boy or a girl just seems so ungrateful and so unfair. To me at the moment it feels like someone giving you a Ferrari and complaining that it's the wrong colour. I know that's entirely shaped by where I am myself at the moment - I'm trying to explain the reaction, not necessarily to justify it.

cory

Amen to that. Are you me?

I did not play quietly as a child I would't stop fucking singing the house down. I was an utter bitch to my mum from the age 12-20, too.

All the little girls I know are a total handful and their mums say so too - they're obviously lovely, but way more flighty, emotional, stubborn. Boys are very straightforward, what you see is what you get. Before becoming a parent I thought all these stereotypes were bollocks, but in my experience they hold true.

But I get it though OP, I still want a girl. I'm pregnant with my second boy and know he will be utterly divine, like his brother. Don't know why I hope the third will be a girl... I know she is unlikely to be girly, looking at her parents, and I know I would actually actively encourage 'boyish' play etc, and she'd have 2 big brothers to play with... and I know we might not get on as adults. But, the bows! The clothes are so much nicer! I'm aware it's preposterous. Maybe it's societal, dont want to be the poor woman with 3 boys...? Maybe I want to look perfect.

Look on the bright side, if you have all boys, DH can take them out all weekend to sports (more stereotypes there!) and you can Be Alone. Also, you'll just have to make sure you raise good men so they still come and visit you in your old age - that's another reason people seem to want girls!

Could you adopt?

At least your being honest. Maybe get some therapy to talk all this through properly. It wouldn't be fair to have any child while you feel like this.

I don't mean to be unkind but it sounds very much like having children is something you are doing to fulfil you a long way into the future.

Your children (male or female) may well not live in the same country, they may well be fiercely independent and private and want a more formal parent/child relationship, they may not even grow into the kind of people you want to be around.

Of course for everyone having children is a selfish thing but you can't have them and think they will be entwined with you forever.

Groupie, for an OP who has admitted that she feels the need for a child to be a friend, the advice to adopt is actually quite dangerous. Almost any adopted child is likely to come with attachment issues; the last thing they should be expected to do is to fulfil the emotional needs of their adoptive parents.

My mother also desperately wanted a girl. And then she got me. We don't get on either.

She wanted a live doll to play with. And I didn't live up to her standards. My brother, 2 years elder is golden boy.

I really wanted a girl more than a boy. And I had my dd, who is perfect just the way she is. If I had had a boy, I know now I would love him just the same. In wanting a girl, I really wanted in some way to give my dd what she wanted but also the love I didn't have. I'm really glad I've had therapy since dd was born so that my childhood did not become a burden on her.

You sound quite anxious about ttc. Talking therapy really is great if you have the time and money.

But it's acceptable to be close to your mum if you're a girl, not if you're a boy/man

I'm really close to my teen ds.

You sound like you could be depressed OP,any truth in that?

You sound like you want a friend to go on holiday with, what makes you think your dd will want to?

I have one ds who I am eternally ally grateful for,couldn't have another, if I could I certainly my wouldn't be hoping for a certain sex.

Yabu OP but you already know that. I think you are right to hold back on ttc for now until you can come to terms with the possibility of another boy, and be happy and excited about raising him.

I have a girl, and I have a boy. My mum and MIL both have a mixture of girls and boys and as adults have different relationships with all of them, not necessarily better or closer with the girls.

I think most people would find a mum and son going for a weekend away a bit odd TBH.

I don't. If they did it'd be them with the issue. What on Earth would be odd about this?

In my opinion it's unreasonable to want a child of one particular sex. I appreciate I can't change what anyone desires but I think it's unfortunate and often grounded in stereotyping. Every child has their own personality and there's no reason to want a girl or boy above the other. My parents' relationship with me is very similar to that they have with my brothers - close, loving and supportive. I know none of us is valued more or less than any other.

All the little girls I know are a total handful and their mums say so too - they're obviously lovely, but way more flighty, emotional, stubborn. Boys are very straightforward, what you see is what you get.

This kind of talk really irks me as well. I think it's sad anyone would rather a daughter than a son and I also think it's sad when to persuade them they're being unreasonable we get these stereotypes about girls (and boys). Also on sport: I know plenty of girls who are into sports. One of my brothers has no interest. Children are individuals with their own interests.

In short: having either is great if you want children.

But the thing is Margaret, it isn't fair to do that. As you're making it about you.

I get that in the grand scheme of things it is horrible and awful and wrong that I do feel this way. But I didn't choose to. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and try for a baby and if that magical line appears on the test just be utterly delighted.

I don't feel that way. And it makes me miserable as either I roll the dice and know elation like nothing else or have to admit the second child wasn't what I wanted - and I HATE myself for that.

corythatwas. It was exactly the same with my mother. I didn't know who I was, my likes, dislikes and values because my mother's needs were all encompassing. I anxiously waited for her approval. Or rather constantly tried to avoid her disapproval.

Dame he's a teen. You might find things are different when he's 30. But anyway - it doesn't really matter. Trying to reason with my feelings is daft I know.

Fizzy, not all women have, or crave, that special close female friend. I haven't since I was about 10. I have had many good female friends, but never any as close as my closest male friend. Not because I "don't get on with women" but simply because that was the way my life panned out.

Nor do I have a group of girl friends that I go out with; when I go out it tends to be with a group of both sexes, mostly people I meet through work.

• cory I am the same, pretty much. Me and DH have pretty much one or two large mixed friendship groups with several crossovers- diffuse, very non-gendered. We're all dispersed - I probably talk more on FB to individual male members of my friendship groups. I don't socialise with groups of only women or DH with only men.

It's not about craving friendships or individuals. None of it is about individuals. Perhaps the universal human experience, if you like. Until we live in an entirely non-gendered wider world, and the patriarchy is dead, there will be differences in experiences between men and women and their networks of relationships with each other.

It's so hard to explain, because NONE of it relates to individuals. OP is pretty much saying that she doesn't link her desire to have other females in her immediate family to a need to be closer to them as individuals, to have things in common, to 'do stuff'. Just to have other females in her immediate family.

But the thing is Margaret, it isn't fair to do that. As you're making it about you.

Yes, that's exactly why I said:
I know that's entirely shaped by where I am myself at the moment - I'm trying to explain the reaction, not necessarily to justify it.

I wish I was where you are. You, apparently, wish you were where I am. At least I'm trying to be kind about it.

Dame he's a teen. You might find things are different when he's 30

But you can't guarantee that with any child ,male or female

You can't do that to your DS. Introduce a sibling who brings you "elation like nothing else" and that leaves your DS on the outside of a very intense (albeit lopsided) relationship between mother and baby DD.

But you can't have a second child who isn't wanted either.

, I hope you find some counselling or support which helps you move forward, because I can entirely see how your current situation is impossible.

I just feel the mother daughter relationship might be easier than mother son ... not sure though

Not always the case. I have DS and DD and already ds is very much for me but dd will play by the door when dh goes out and cry for him she only wants her daddy.

I am no where near as close to my Mum as my Dad, from a very young age I was all about Dad and followed him everywhere. Don't get me wrong I love my Mum and she's great but I've just always been closer to Dad.

Say what you want ... I think most people would find a mum and son going for a weekend away a bit odd TBH. but wouldn't raise an eyebrow at a mum and daughter Really? My dh took his Mum to London for w nights and to see a show just the two of them for her last birthday. He also takes his Mum out for dinner once a month just the two of them since fil died.

I think a chat with your GP is in order, what you're wishing for and hating yourself for isn't normal thinking at all.

How would you feel then Margaret if I came on a thread about your situation and said "at least you haven't got a son you don't want."

And you're not trying to be kind, you're trying to make me feel bad. Give up, as I already do.

It does sound as if you don't want your son,or your son is second best.

"And it makes me miserable as either I roll the dice and know elation like nothing else or have to admit the second child wasn't what I wanted - and I HATE myself for that."

OP, wouldn't you feel even worse if you had that girl you craved and then realised your relationship wasn't that special female one you'd anticipated? Or if you gradually realised that the only reason it was as you had anticipated was that she had grown up anxiously adapting her personality to yours because she felt that was expected of her?

My grandma always wanted boys. No girls. She always held the view that boys were easier to look after.
She had my mum. She never bothered with her, had no interest, always moaned about her gender etc..
A few years later, she had her second child - a son. As he grew, she didn't like him. He wasn't what she expected, so she had a third and final child - a daughter. This child was her absolute favourite. No clue why, but she got everything she wanted and more.

She still held this view that boys were better when her grandchildren came along.
I was born. She liked me for a little while. My mum had a second daughter. She has no relationship with my sister.
Her son had a daughter - She has no interest. No relationship with her either.
Then her final daughter had a daughter. She adored her. She then went on and gave her the much wanted grandson. He again wasn't what she expected, so wasn't as interested in him.

She is no contact with me, my mum and my sister. She is no contact with my mums brother or his daughter. She just brought my mums sister a house right next door to her and she minds her grandchildren daily, but has always made it clear that daughter is the preferred out of the two.

She got the two boys she desperately wanted and they didn't live up to her expectations.

Most of my male friends (mid 20's) are closer to their mothers than my female friends. I have a male friend who's always on holiday with his mum. I had a female friend who wont be seen in public with her mum.