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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a daughter so very much

471 replies

seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:14

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

OP posts:
FruitTwist2017 · 03/07/2017 19:12

Can't stand people who think like this. A child is a child.

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:14

.... to elaborate .... Your posts assume that all women want to go to cocktail bars and shoe shopping, with their children. I genuinely don't feel the need for that because that is something I enjoy doing with friends and with my DH (or no-one). I am not implying you don't have friends, just that it's a narrow view to think that that's what children are for

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:16

Not

You do sound angry to me. You are using lots of exclamation marks and swearing.

ssd · 03/07/2017 19:17

yes Yoda, I thought that poem is great but its a separate issue. That poem says our children are their own people, with their own personalities and souls, which I totally believe and support. I want to bring my boys up as well as I can then its up to them. I want them to be their own person, I dont live through them but I do live for them.

But that a separate issue to me saying I wonder how nice it must be to have a dd you can do things with....share things with.. Things your boys dont really want to do with you, things girls seem to love doing.

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:18

...and now you accuse me of being bitter and jealous. I really truly am not because (if you read my earlier posts) I really truly think that my sons are as different as any two people could be, along with my relationship with each of them is. That's not their gender, that's their personality

LDN17 · 03/07/2017 19:19

its the same as a dad who has daughters, loves them to bits but looks at a man and his son going to the rugby/footie match etc and think I wish that was me sometimes...whats wrong with that, its just the same thing.

My dad seems quite content with going to footy/cricket with friends or other family members (not my brother though. We never see him) With me he goes shopping, out for lunch, out with me and the kids, etc... We don't do anything "girly" or "boyish" , we do gender neutral stuff. And our relationship is so very very strong.

I hardly see my mum. We do nothing together.

I'm not being snotty with this post by the way. I'm not trying to put anyone down.

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:19

... oh god this is going round and round

Some girls and some women want to share certain things

ssd · 03/07/2017 19:19

yoda, how old are your kids?

House4 · 03/07/2017 19:19

It is becoming MUCH more acceptable for the younger generation of boys to be close to their mothers in their teenage years. A lot of the trendy youtubers are very respectful and loving to their mums and feature them in their videos. I can only hope my gorgeous loving son takes this onboard and we are as close when he is older as we are now 😀

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:20

By the way ssd you and I have had quite friendly interaction on this thread and have discussed things without resorting to accusation

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:21

nearly 17 and 14 Smile

I have really enjoyed their teenage years.

How old are yours?

Summerswallow · 03/07/2017 19:24

House I would agree with that to some extent, however one pull for men seems to be on forming their own families and then having less interest in sustaining their own relationships with their own families- perhaps for the obvious gendered reasons that women have (in the past) tended to be the emotional care-takers in the family, bought presents, arranged visits, maintained good rel with grandparents, and tend to favour their own families and perhaps mothers in those situations. If men were encouraged to step up to the plate on that front, the emotional care and valuing of their own families including their parents, instead of leaving it to be an aspect of 'wifework' then that would go a long way to rebalancing what can be a very unequal situation in which the MIL and family are just not as important.

ssd · 03/07/2017 19:25

16 and 19

I'm realising through this thread, my longing comes from not having a mum and no female relative. I actually have a much older sister who is very very removed from me and I've never featured much in her life, although god knows I could have done with a sister many a time. But shes never needed me and has continually made that obvious. Its just one of those things. I know the lack of women makes me yearn more for a dd, when its someone like a mum or a sister I actually want. Someone close to me that I dont need to mother too much!! I do enough of that with my boys!

LDN17 · 03/07/2017 19:27

I'm realising through this thread, my longing comes from not having a mum and no female relative.

Same. I never see my mum. I think my longing comes from wanting to make up for that. Wanting to make up for a relationship I have lost and to cure my deep sadness about it.

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:28

ssd

Right

That makes sense

And it's true for the OP as well.

I understand it, I do. I just don't think kids are there to fix things for us (boys or girls). And what makes me sad for the OP is that she's got thins tiny toddler that she's so fearful will reject her, or worse.

All we can do is the best with what we've got

ssd · 03/07/2017 19:35

I agree yoda and LDN

When my mum was elderly and frail and I knew she could go at any time, I tried desperately to keep her alive. I bought her endless things to make her life easier, I did everything for her I could. And she so appreciated it. I knew when she'd gone I'd never have another woman I was so close to, I knew after she was gone I'd never ever have the mum/daughter thing again. And I know I'll always grieve for it, I was just so close to my mum.

Its just part of life, admitting it all and coming to accept it and get on with it, isnt it.

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:40

Yes

My mum said that when her mum died the person who held all the memories about my mum died. It's very lonely

But you will be that person for your sons. I think I take the view that we 'pay it forward'. I do love my mum a lot but I think I love my sons more, and they will love their children more and that's how it goes - forwards not backwards. But my mum is still here so that's easy for me to say

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:41

ssd Did your mum get to meet your sons?

ssd · 03/07/2017 19:45

yes she did, she was very close to them, especially the eldest when he was small, as she was still mum then, as she got older I became her mum...

I do love my boys more than anyone, I knew when mum died and I felt so utterly inconsoluble, losing her was awful but it wouldnt touch losing a child, I knew that to my very soul. I'd give my last breath to them.

Original poster
seaotterly · 03/07/2017 19:47

I'm grateful for the people who have tried to see it from my stance, thanks.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:48

I think I only truly appreciated my mum when I had children - so supportive and tactful! And so accepting and loving of the boys - their individual characters. I saw that she'd tried to be like that with me when I was a child.

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:50

seaotterly

I hope you can see that I can see your stance. I am glad you are still reading. Parenting brings up so much stuff from our pasts. It's unbelievable

ssd · 03/07/2017 19:53

I kind of always appreciated my parents. Not meaning to be snide or silly. Maybe not as a teen, though Grin. But my parents were always a lot older than my friends parents and I just knew I wouldnt have them long. They were in their 60's when I was a teen, my friends parents were early 40's and my dad especially was having health problems when no one elses dad did.

Its good you are close to your mum and you appreciate her, I'm sure she does you too.

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 19:57

Yes, teens is what I was thinking of.

ssd · 03/07/2017 20:00

I dont know if any teens appreciate their parents Grin