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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a daughter so very much

471 replies

seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:14

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

OP posts:
danTDM · 30/06/2017 16:50

I absolutely HATE my mother and wish her dead. She abused me for years.

I love my DD more than I could tell you. But a DS would be equal.

2017RedBlue · 30/06/2017 16:51

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

ShoesHaveSouls · 30/06/2017 16:51

If you read the Little House, the saying "boys are like dogs, girls are like cats" is used by the MIL - who adores her son, and doesn't speak to her daughter - which is quite the opposite from the prevailing view on MN.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/06/2017 16:52

Oh OP Sad

I have a son (aged 3 and am pregnant with DC2).

Up until the 20 week scan I had managed to convince myself I was having a girl and so when I was told at the scan that it was another boy I was heartbroken. I knew this would be our last baby and so the thought of never having a daughter really, really upset me. I lay on the scanning table trying to fight back tears so my DH and the MW wouldn't think badly of me and I forced myself to act excited when inside I was crushed. I had to have another scan 4 days later and I asked them to re-check the sex because I still hadn't accepted that I wasn't having a girl.

But then I started to wonder what it was that actually made me want a girl and I had no idea. As a previous poster has said, I think it's some weird programmed mindset we have that we will have a daughter and we'll be so close to them and they will be our best friends etc and go wedding dress shopping together and all the other similar crap, when it really isn't like that for most people. I'm certainly not particularly close to my mom and nor is my sister.

And then I thought about my son, my FANTASTIC son who I love more than I can describe and I couldn't stop thinking about how brilliant it's going to be to have another one of him. Boys are brilliant!!! Plus my son will get a sibling of the same sex and I think that's really positive too.

It took me about two weeks to fully accept I was getting another boy and I'm so, so happy and excited now. I feel so incredibly lucky to have wonderful boys.

My MIL has unfortunately passed away but both my DH and DH's brother were INCREDIBLY close to her and I hope my sons have the same relationship with me.

YANBU to feel the way you do but I think it's important to actually discover WHY you want a girl so much, what is it you think a daughter will bring to your life that a son can't?

LittleBooInABox · 30/06/2017 16:52

I cried when they told me I was pregnant with my DS, because I wanted a girl. But I still love my DS.

I think you need to decide a number of children you want. And then accept what will be. That's my plan. I'll have one more, if it's a girl great. If it's a boy, then ill still love my child.

Moussemoose · 30/06/2017 16:52

You don't want a daughter you want a friend.

You are loading expectations onto an unborn, not yet conceived daughter and decided your son won't holiday with you.

He won't because you decided that before he was born.

Allthebestnamesareused · 30/06/2017 16:53

I have 2 DSs who I love dearly and a DSS. However we did not have any more because although I knew I would love to have a girl I did not want another baby per se just a girl so we stuck where we are.

I love all the boys (15,19 and 25) and have a great relationship with them all (but I am also a very keen football fan which helps because I am more keen to be on the touchline than perhaps their Dad is!). However I do think I will miss out on the closeness of a daughter/mother relationship when they go on to get married and I will just be that evil MIL that seems to frequent MN! I hope I won't be. I hope I'll be a lovely MIL and friends with any future DILs/gfs but fear that they will still have a closer bond with their own Mums and therefore any grandchildren may also bond more closely with their maternal grandparents.

Original poster
seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:53

you're wrong margaret

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 30/06/2017 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 30/06/2017 16:54

Unfortunately its probably best for you not to TTC now if you feel like this.

The fall out from resenting a child the child you do have is horrendous, and that goes for whether it's a girl or boy. I am another girl who didn't fit the bill. We get on now but as hard as my tried to hide her feelings, I always knew deep down that she wanted a different kind of girl. I had all the characteristics she admired in my brother, but she already had him.

Being so fixed on wanting a girl suggests you have a strong idea of what a girl will be.

Original poster
seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:54

And people are probably right ... I do want a friend I suppose.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 30/06/2017 16:54

I think this is just your circle of friends. My parents have been on more holidays with all three of my brothers than they have with me. My brothers have all stayed geographically close, while I moved away.

My MIL was always very close to both her sons (and incidentally I and the other SIL loved her deeply).

Please don't let your relationship with your son be affected by any preconceived ideas of what a mother/son relationship should look like. All relationships are unique.

NotYoda · 30/06/2017 16:55

I think that it's good that you are putting off TTC while you feel like this

But I think you need to examine your assumptions about having a female child

I have two teens and they are as different from each other as any two children could be. Both of them happen to be boys

BackforGood · 30/06/2017 16:56

Not sure AIBU is the best place for this, if it is about you wanting to explore why you feel this way, as clearly, on a logical level YABU.

I just feel the mother daughter relationship might be easier than mother son
In real life, that is a load of bollox. Each child / parent - indeed each person is an individual

...Not acceptable for a boy / man to be close to his Mum
Shock
What utter tripe.
I started off, like other posters, trying to understand what it is you are worrying about, and to be empathetic, but that is one of the most ridiculous things I've read on here in a long time.

corythatwas · 30/06/2017 16:57

But I do think it is a heavy burden to lay on any daughter, to have her with the explicit expectation that she is to provide a special closeness that your son doesn't have to provide. Under those circumstances, probably better not to try to conceive, not just for the sake of a son who might be the result, but perhaps even more for the sake of a potential daughter.

RhubardGin · 30/06/2017 16:57

you're wrong Margaret

I actually think Margaret has it spot on to be honest.

Also the poster who said you wanted a friend, I think there could be some truth in that OP. Do you have a large circle of female friends/family?

justkeepswimmingg · 30/06/2017 16:58

Nothing wrong with the way you feel OP. I always yearned for a DS, and I've got 3 (one is an angel, and one I'm still currently expecting). I always hoped for boys when I feel pregnant, and was always over the moon when I was told boys (I'd still have been happy with girls). I don't know why I wanted boys so much, but you can't help the way you feel.
Funny enough like other PP, my dad always wanted a DS. He got 3 DD first, and then a DS, and he doesn't get along with him at all!
Also my DMum and DBro are extremely close, so yes it's perfectly acceptable to have a close mother/son relationship and I hope that I can have that too with mine!

MargaretCavendish · 30/06/2017 16:58

you're wrong margaret

Is that directed at me? Wrong about what?

NotYoda · 30/06/2017 16:59

What if you had a girl who didn't want to go on shopping trips and weekends away?

I'm close to my mum but I wouldn't go on a weekend away - that's what my DH is for!

Original poster
seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:59

Yes, their parents, cory, not their mother.

Say what you want ... I think most people would find a mum and son going for a weekend away a bit odd TBH. but wouldn't raise an eyebrow at a mum and daughter.

I mean it is hard to explain I know there are lots and lots of what ifs. I know that. But we all have hopes for our children i think.

OP posts:
paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 30/06/2017 16:59

Oh that does ring a bell. My Mum wanted a friend, but I had friends and didn't need another one. I wanted a Mum who was independent, had her own life and didn't have so much invested in me.

We understand that about each other now and there's no animosity but it didn't make parenting me a happy experience for her.

ManyManyShoes · 30/06/2017 17:00

I just want a child, any healthy, happy child.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/06/2017 17:00

I think you need to decide whether you'd be ok with a cute little DS as it is a possibility. If you really can't I wouldn't ttc.

For what it's worth I know DP would absolutely love a DS actually I would be thrilled too. However it's not a be all for us we just want a sibling for DD and a DD is absolutely wonderful too.

And having DS's does not make you lose your relationship with your DS once he grows up, I adore my mil and we are planning our next house with her in mind (so she can stay with us whenever she wants and has her own personal space), we want her with us and love her very much, DP sees he more now that we are together than he did before. I welcome and love her involvement with our DC.
You only see threads of awful mil relationships here as people come looking for advice.

dementedma · 30/06/2017 17:00

i have two adult dds and a teenage son. great relationship with one dd, very difficult relationship with the other. DS is only interested in his Xbox and talking about football.it is what it is.

Original poster
seaotterly · 30/06/2017 17:00

Then I'd have a daughter who didn't go on shopping trips and weekends away - I don't get what point you're making really. Why are people talking about shopping?

OP posts:
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