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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a daughter so very much

471 replies

seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:14

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

OP posts:
MissDollyMix · 30/06/2017 16:33

YANBU. You can't help how you feel. I felt the same way after I had my DS. Amazing, wonderful child that he is, I just grieved for the mother-daughter relationship. I was lucky. I had a DD and she is everything I could have wanted from a little girl but having her also makes me appreciate my son- and little boys in general- a lot more. He's so calm and measured in comparison. Maybe it's a generalisation but there are a lot less dramatics with boys!

Morphene · 30/06/2017 16:33

As you can see, the mother daughter relationship is every bit as tricky as mother son.

If you leave your stereotypes behind then you can have every bit the same relationship with either gender. You also won't be loading a child with baggage they may not recognise....and begin to resent.

Achangeisadgoodasarest · 30/06/2017 16:33

You can have mine OP, she's 14. It's not quite what I thought it would be. My son is a dream in comparison, we are very close.

Thing is, you get what you get, no choices involved. You can only decide whether you want another child. Maybe you should wait a while, it's still early days with a toddler.

DonkeyOaty · 30/06/2017 16:34

You sound so sad Sad

CremeFresh · 30/06/2017 16:35

I just feel the mother daughter relationship might be easier than mother son ... not sure though

My DD has been massively difficult to bring up and our relationship has been so bad at times . There's been violence towards me, phone calls from police in the middle of the night, expelled from school , you name it .

Be very careful what you wish for.

DancesWithOtters · 30/06/2017 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:35

I know it's tricky. I'm not saying it isn't. But it's acceptable to be close to your mum if you're a girl, not if you're a boy/man.

OP posts:
Morphene · 30/06/2017 16:35

OP you can't bring it out because it is deeply embedded cultural baggage.

Most women can't articulate why they feel they should have children. It is because the idea that women should have children is as much a part of life as the air we breathe.

Society tells us that DDs will be like us, that we will understand them and love them. It tells us we will have shared interests.

It's wrong. But that simple fact can't wipe out the decades of conditioning you have experienced!

Morphene · 30/06/2017 16:36

It IS acceptable to be close to your son!

Shakirasma · 30/06/2017 16:36

You are craving a fantasy, an inaccurate stereotype.

A mother's relationship with each of her children is different and unique and the sex of each child doesn't even come into it.

Ohyesiam · 30/06/2017 16:37

I get on well with both ds and dd( ATM), but things are much more straight forward with ds, we really "get" each other. And I'm a real woman's woman
You never can tell.

CremeFresh · 30/06/2017 16:41

I know of teen boys who have fantastic relationships with their mums and I also know teen girls and their mothers that get on like friends.

I don't think gender has anything to do with it, it's down to the personality of each individual.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/06/2017 16:41

I always think that a lot of the posters who give the (completely justifable!) usual responses on here do kind of miss some of the point though.

I can completely understand a woman not wanting to be the only female in her nuclear family, to not only have men within that primary group.

There is so much basic, taken for granted recognition of the fact that relationships between women are something to be cherished and have unique value. Half of the bloody threads I read are pretty much based on that connection being made between strangers.

and MN is all for it... until someone comes along and says outright that they'd prefer a daughter to a son.

Then you've got the family dynamics element, as people grow and families extend - marriage, babies, grandchildren. Not, it's absolutely NOT a given and I know lots of folk who get on perfectly well with all inlaws but... do me a survey of MIL threads and see what the main themes are that pop up!

Everyone makes the same point about pretty dresses and not being guaranteed to get on in adulthood and about being closer to their sons etc. It's all true. But I can still understand someone feeling as OP does.

Groovee · 30/06/2017 16:41

I don't think you are unreasonable. I have a daughter and a son. My daughter turns me grey with her stubborn steadfast ways. My son is definitely a chilled out relaxed personality. But I have a different relationship with them both.

MorrisZapp · 30/06/2017 16:43

I always wanted a girl for the simple reason that I am one myself. It's not rocket science.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/06/2017 16:44

OP do you have a good relationship with your mum?

I didn't and I definelty wanted a girl so I could experience a loving mother/DD relationship. I do think myself lucky that I had 2DDs and would have felt I missed out if I'd had boys. BUT that's because of the relationship with my own mum.

Original poster
seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:45

I don't know any grown men who go on holiday with their mums or weekends away whereas I do know women who do. But maybe it's just my circle of friends.

OP posts:
RhubardGin · 30/06/2017 16:46

I feel by wanting a girl so desperately you are already placing expectations on a potential future daughter.

What do you feel you could get out of a relationship with your DD that would be different than the relationship from your DS?

supersop60 · 30/06/2017 16:46

I had a girl and was hoping for another one so that they could be close like me and my sister. I had a boy, and he is brilliant!

Original poster
seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:47

Lots of stuff. But I think from reading the replies people won't agree.

OP posts:
RhubardGin · 30/06/2017 16:49

I don't know any grown men who go on holiday with their mums or weekends away whereas I do know women who do

Sorry OP, slight cross post.

But what if your future DD doesn't want to go on girly holidays or weekends?

Don't pin your expectations on other mother/DD relationships that you see, yours may be completely different.

badg3r · 30/06/2017 16:50

I think having a strong preference is not as uncommon as people might believe. But what's not clear is whether you don't want another son more than you do want a daughter, iyswim? What makes you feel so strongly that you don't want another son?

Pigface1 · 30/06/2017 16:50

The ridiculous generalisation I'm about to make is based on absolutely NOTHING other than reading posts on MN.

But mums of daughters seems to me to have a trickier time. Right from the word go up to the teenage years. Sleep problems, friendship dramas, behavioural issues, HCPs not taking ASD-type behaviour seriously, men leering at them when they get past the age of 10, teenage pregnancies, etc etc.

Like I say I have absolutely no evidence to back this up, it just seems to me that mums of DDs post more frequently on MN with problems than mums of DSs. I suppose it's backed up y the fact that divorce rates are higher for couples who have girls.

MargaretCavendish · 30/06/2017 16:50

Part of me finds a post like yours so, so hard to read as I just desperately want a baby and can't imagine giving a toss about the sex. But then I think about the fact that I can't justify or explain why I want a baby so much, I just do; and five years ago I would have never imagined I could care so much about it. So on some level I think YANBU, in that you can't help wanting what you want. I do think you need to think long and hard about why you want it though. I actually think the worst case scenario here isn't that you have a second son; it's that you have a daughter and then are disappointed when she doesn't fulfil the expectations you clearly have in your head. You'd get over the disappointment of a son, I think, but that could ruin your relationship with your daughter for life. That's what you need to work hard to avoid.

luckylucky24 · 30/06/2017 16:50

A wanted a DD after DS. Got one. Love them the same but DS is easier, cuddles more and tantrums much less!

That thing about taking a wife is bollocks. Dh speaks to his mum most days. I speak to mine once a week at most.

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