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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a daughter so very much

471 replies

seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:14

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

OP posts:

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 20:04

Although.... My 16 year old has been a dream since he hit his teens (touches wood). He makes me a cup of tea, asks how my day was, notices when I'm glum

14 year, just for contrast, currently thinks i'm a idiot

ssd · 03/07/2017 20:07

my 2 are the same, always ask me how work was, notice if I've had my haircut (dh never does) or if I buy new clothes

they are good kids, do well in school, never in trouble (touches wood here too!)

I dont think its all a coincidence either, I believe the time spent talking and listening to your kids pays eventually

Notknownatthisaddress · 03/07/2017 20:14

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ShoesHaveSouls · 03/07/2017 20:27

I think arguing about whose got husbands/friends/daughters/sons is not the way to go.

Incidentally, I felt eternally embarrassed by my mother as a teen. I thought she was square, boring, unfashionable and all manner of other unreasonable things

We do the shopping stuff & spa days and holidays since I've had children though - and I have sisters, and we do have lovely get togethers. As I said upthread, my brother gets on fabulously with my mum too, though.

My daughter is only 9, but I'm just waiting for the day she goes "oh mu-uum, you're so embarrassing!" and she will never forgive me for not giving her a sister - she has two brothers. We can none of us get it completely right! Peace and love

NotYoda · 03/07/2017 22:09

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Yatatata · 04/07/2017 07:23

These threads always get so heated but I just had to say, I can see that most of the posts giving examples of how mothers and sons can be close, and that daughters can be hard work are intended to be supportive to the OP by giving her a more balanced perspective.

Having people then come on and say 'I've never seen that' and 'you're all just bitter, girls are amazing' (I paraphrase) is not really helpful in context of the poster's problem!

reallyanotherone · 04/07/2017 07:42

I'm coming from the angle of one of those daughters who's mum is one of those women who likes to take me shopping, get my nails done, trips to the hairdresser, out for coffee and chats etc.

I hate it. I do it under duress because i know she likes it and thinks it's a mother/daughter relationship. But it's got to the point where i see her as little as possible because i really don't want to go shopping again.

So i hate to see these threads because i feel all these prospective dd's will either be forced into a stereotype or pushed away from their mothers if they want to develop their own interests.

My daughter quite likes shopping, so dh takes her, as he quite enjoys it too.

I guess my point is stop focussing on the stereotype, and separate activities by interest rather than gender..

AWendyAteMyFitbit · 04/07/2017 12:48

Hear hear Really.

JustAddingMyView · 04/07/2017 14:06

One thing I find interesting about this thread, and indeed all threads about sons not seeing their mums as much in adulthood, is that the dads of sons don't seem to be much of a consideration. But also that some people seem to have very 'gendered' hobbies and social lives which is alien to me. DH and I like doing more or less the same things and we do them together. My parents are the same, so I don't really ever hang out with just my mum, nor does my brother ever hang out with just my dad. We both visit my parents for a Sunday roast or have them to our houses, but my mum and I don't meet separately for spa days, shopping and cinema trips.

I guess "normal" to me would be to do lots of things as a family when DCs are young, then as DCs get older and spend more time with their friends me and DH will have more time to spend just the two of us, then when DCs move out we hope they still come round for lunches and bbqs. Maybe I will feel differently, but I don't think I would expect my adult DS to be arranging mother-son surf trips or whatever. Even if we both shared that hobby.

pinkyflower · 04/07/2017 16:01

YANBU to want a daughter, I wanted a girl for my second (already had a dd) and often heard the line 'as long as its healthy...' well, I had a boy, who was FAR from healthy, but the love was overwhelming (except for the vertical peeing, would have happily lived without seeing that!) and every day we had with him was a dream...

and reason I wanted a girl was I knew what I was doing with one of those, after all I am one and I had one - the thought of the unknown aspect of having a boy made me ever so slightly anxious!

Mollie85 · 04/07/2017 17:06

Margaretcavendish I could have written your post. I'm sorry that you and I are going through the same thing. I so desperately want a child too and not just because I've been told I can't. It's something I've wanted forever.

Fwiw I don't think gender preference is uncommon op and I don't think you should be flamed for it. I hope you find the relationship you want with your son.

Moussemoose · 04/07/2017 22:22

Well I've just spent an evening feeling inadequate because I am not the daughter my mother wants. She wants to gossip and chat about people and it bores me rigid. I try to engage in conversation but she has no interest in what I want to talk about. I laugh and joke with my ds but she finds the humour to rough and tumble.

I'm that longed for dd. We have what appears to be that close relationship some posters long for. But it makes me miserable. I put up with it out of duty and I want to cry for all those children pretending to be what their parents want to fit in with parental expectations.

My DM will tell her friends how close we are because that is what she wants to be the truth. So those of you posting about 'all your friends and family' - what you see might not be the truth.

And yet again I feel like crap.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2017 23:22

I didn't want a daughter to do girly things with- and I didn't really do girly things with my mother. But I longed for a daughter. And my mother longed for a grand daughter. There was something bizarrely primitively about the feeling. It was like a continuation- very odd indeed.

Peaches77 · 05/07/2017 00:26

From experience three aunties 2 have only 1 daughter each they are both married with kids..they never see their daughters regularly and spend special occasions alone or with extended family. 1 aunt has three sons no daughters...they are all married and see their mum all the time her house is always busy with grandkids etc special occasions she always has at least two if not all three sons and families with her.

So the whole daughters are more reliable than sons doesn't wash with me

ssd · 05/07/2017 21:50

mousse, I'm sorry to read that, that must be really hard for you. I can see exactly what you're saying. In my mind I have a fantasy what a dd would be like, but as I have no experience it's just all make believe. You've shown me what the reality is like, sometimes. It's made me think.

reallyanotherone · 05/07/2017 22:00

I've just read something of fb from a woman who was adopted- her mum had two boys then adopted her, because she wanted a girl.

Her mum was all out "girl", pretty clothes, hair etc. Whereas she just wanted to run and play like her brothers.

Like Mousse, a lot of long term effects for this woman. I wonder also how the brothers felt.

zeeboo · 05/07/2017 23:15

OP I think you have a very strange and unreasonable idea of what a mother son relationship is. I have 4 children, two of each and I've been away with my sons, eldest is 22 and younger is 17 far more than with dd who is 18. We went away to her uni interview and had a good time but she and I are little alike and it's not as relaxed as it is when I'm with the lads. My 17 year old just came in to my room to check I was ok before he went to bed. He refilled my water bottle, checked I'd taken my pills and said that we hadn't spent enough time together recently so how about we watched a DVD tomorrow and he'd make us lunch. We go to gigs together, to the pub, and yes I can say with certainty that when I'm a widow (dh is a lot older than I am) that he and I will go on holiday together and have a great time, with or without his girlfriend. She is also lovely and doesn't have a problem at all with us being so close.
My eldest lives in a northern city where my fave football team are. I will be going to stay with him in the new season to catch a match and for him to show me his city as we are both very into history and the industrial revolution.
I can see weekends to my Dd 1's university town too but it will be more 'mum visits daughter' whereas with the boys it's me visiting mate I gave birth to'
I love all of my children equally and have a very close relationship with my little dd2 but I am far more like my boys in the way I think and feel about things and we have far more shared interests.

Oh and so you know, I know loads of friends who've holidayed with their son and no one thinks it's at all odd, because it isn't. My Dh regularly goes out for lunch with his Mum, I don't with mine.
I have met MANY women who have this sense of duty to a mother obsessed with the idea of being their daughters best friend though.

AWendyAteMyFitbit · 07/07/2017 13:10

Great post Zeeboo.

sticklebrix · 07/07/2017 13:28

YANBU to have complex feelings about wanting a daughter. Trying to understand and make peace with those feelings before TTC is a sign of responsible parenting. Don't feel bad OP.

alphabook · 07/07/2017 13:32

My DH is far closer with his mum than I am with mine. They chat almost every day, whereas my relationship with my mum is quite strained. Originally I wanted a daughter for the same reasons as you but now I'm glad I have a son, I feel like I'd be projecting my relationship with my mum on to my daughter and would be putting so much pressure on myself to create this "best friends" relationship that I don't have with my mum.

RainbowInACloud · 07/07/2017 22:24

I had the belief that daughters were more likely to stick with and care for their parents in old age but I am a GP and have found it very pleasantly surprising that a lot of sons do the caring too. In my opinion and experience it is 50/50 between sons and daughters. Lots of adult sons seem incredibly close to their parents whichhas been a really lovely eye opener for me.

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