To not go with 18 yo DD for an injection?

[danielandgeorgia]

DD is getting that new meningitis injection next week. She wants me to come with her. AIBU to say she is old enough to go alone?

You know what, Magdalene: when ds moves from home I will cope without his cups of tea.

But that is not a reason why he shouldn't use them to cheer me up now.

Other times will come when he needs my support or I need his support or some totally different family member needs the support of either of us. It won't be a big deal, because we have a general family habit of mutually supporting each other cheerfully and without question. It goes hand in hand with a good level of independence. In fact it couldn't work without independence because it's not a one-way street and you have to be quite mature to support other people.

Some of you seem very unsure of your parenting success if you feel you have to quash every request for support for fear of spoiling your dc's chances in life.

The phrase "learned helplessness" exists for a reason. And yes, I would be very unsure of my parenting success if my adult children needed me in this way (phobias notwithstanding).

Well my daughter's just completed the second year of her degree at an excellent university. Last summer she went to the other side of the world - which involved various injections first - to do teaching in an unfamiliar journey.

There were various stages when she was 17 when my partner and I said, 'No, you have to do this yourself. We'll talk you through what happens and will be at the end of the phone.'

I am genuinely unsure that if we'd done everything for her, she'd have got as far as we have.

I think you can remain emotionally close while also encouraging independence.

Of course she's old enough to go alone, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice of you to go with her. I went to all my medical appointments alone from the age of 12, except when I needed an adult signature for surgery. My choice. A couple of years ago (so, in my late 20s) I was really worried about some dental work and my dad offered to go along with me and support me. I didn't take him up on the offer, but I thought it was lovely of him to ask - it showed how much he cared about me.

So I think it's not about independence so much as it is wanting a bit of support. If your DD wanted you to take time off work or something, that would be different - but you could go - your reasons for not wanting to seem odd to me. But all families are different, I guess.

I have done exactly the same thing, Magdalene, despite my dd suffering from clinical anxiety, and she is certainly able to deal with her own medical appointments and with life in general.

At the same time, I didn't want her to go into life with a constantly suspicious fear of giving too much to other people, whether of time or attention or anything else. I wanted her to see that while you might push your own children into learning new things for the sake of their development at a given time, a general attitude of cheerful supportiveness is a normal and good and healthy thing.

It's a balance, but if you have generally got it right (which you should know by the time they get to 18), then I really don't see why going the odd extra mile would bring everything crashing down.

But why would it be different if the OP had to take time off work? If my kids really needed my support of course I'd take time off work, wouldn't you? The point is there is no indication that the OP's dd does really need support, or why she does if that's the case. But housework is apparently not real work (i guess we all do it for fun) so can be abandoned on a whim.

Both dd and I are very private when it comes to medical appointments, but I have noticed that I am often the only one in the waiting room without my dh. Does that mean all those other people are suffering from learned helplessness? Or is it just a cultural difference?

of course housework can be abandoned on a whim, Barbarian

it's not as if you're going to lose your job if it gets done tomorrow instead, or gets done badly or whatever

but I like the idea of a pp who suggested letting the dd do part of the housework

Which country are you in cory? The only time I've seen that is in the Middle East when women are chaparoned to prevent them having line contact with a male doctor.

Certainly not, Barbarian. I'm in Hampshire. And have been quite surprised lately to see how many people bring family members to the waiting room. Or it may just be that I have missed something that has always been going on because I haven't had that many medical procedures in the past. Maybe it's a class thing. I don't know.

So all of you unpleasant people who think housework is more important, would you say the same to your own mother if she wanted a lift to the doctor? After all she's certainly old enough to manage, and you wouldn't want to be encouraging any helplessness there would you!🙄

My physically frail 90 year old mother who lives 100 miles away might get a lift from somebody in her church group, or from my brother to a hospital appointment. Or she'd get a taxi.

When she was 10 years younger she'd get the bus or the train.

I don't think simply being of an older generation makes you helpless.

I'm very glad that my mother still tries to be relatively independent.

I am sure that on those occasions when she really needs help - perhaps an appointment at a difficult place at at time when she is particularly frail - she asks for this. At the same time, she does think about other people and acknowledge they have busy lives.

Have you not seen the thousands of threads on here telling women its ok not to be at their elderly relatives beck and call then Wombling? That its fine to be clear what support you can and cant offer, and when, and to encourage the use of other support mechanisms such as carers, taxis etc.

The message is simple. There is a difference between being a kind and compassionate human being and a doormat. You can be a loving wife/mother/daughter and not always drop everything because someone else wants you to. Your needs and wants matter too. Works at any age.

I took my mum to the hospital when she had a biopsy and again for the results because she needed me. I don't take her for her fortnightly vitamin B injection because she doesn't. My mum would never ask unless she needed me but not everyone is like that.

I can't believe the responses here!
My mum would never have come with me.
Bit pathetic that she would "need" you there but if she wants a lift then that's a different thing, and agree that you should trade her for some housework.
This is why students come to University with no idea how to sort their own lives out!

I can't believe people are seeing a friendly accompany for an injection as a sign of encouraging helpless!

Oh ffs, no one is going to be unable to fend for themselves just because their mum sometimes joins them at appointments. Friends sometimes come with me to mine. It's not essential but sometimes it's nice to have company.

What's the big deal?

There is no big deal as such but the OP doesn't want to do it because she's busy. And that apparently makes her a terrible mother even though there is no indication that her dd wants anything but a bit of company.

Do none of you naysayers ever ring your mother/sister/daughter/friend and say "I have to buy some shoes for a wedding (or whatever), fancy coming with me?" Because this is exactly the same as this request from the OP's daughter. Sometimes you fancy some company, or a second opinion, or a coffee afterwards. Doesn't mean you can't choose your own shoes. The OP's daughter likely just wants to spend a bit of time with her mum.

All these horror struck declarations of helplessness are a bit much.

Of course i do. But i don't think she's horrible and uncaring if she cant make it.

And going shopping is a somewhat more enjoyable place to go than the doctors surgery where you can catch all sorts.

Yes but MagdalenNoName what if your brother or the people at church had told her to fuck off because she was perfectly capable of managing on her own and they weren't going to enable her helplessness. Of course she could get a taxi, it just wouldn't be very kind or pleasant.

No BarbaraofSeville I must have missed all those threads. Doing something nice for someone occasionally is not "being at their beck and call" ffs. I've just asked my son to get me some bread from Tesco as I'm too lazy to get off the sofa. Should he have told me to fuck off? Or should he figure that next time he asks me to wash and dry him a clean shirt because he hasn't got time between shifts, it'll all balance out. I'm capable of going to Tesco, he's capable of using the washer but some people just help each other without making a drama out of it.

Agree with Magdalen (and not just because I am a Wilkie Collins fan).

I don't think there's a 'make them be independent at 18' trend on MN: quite the contrary.

My 16yo wants me to make a GP appointment for her for various things. I may or may not go in with her and actually I think she needs to learn to do this stuff for herself.

Barb She isn't bloody busy, she just wants to get on with housework

I'm in my 30s and my mum sometimes comes to my GP appointments with me. She actually offers sometimes and I have to tell her I'm ok by myself! She loves me and that's what mums do.

fwiw, dd was invited for this jab last year in year 11. The program is being rolled out in quite an odd way.