To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

Bloody hell.

He has to come home, you are not fit to look after your children, if he does not come for them immediately I'd call it neglect. Of them and you.

Hope the magic drugs kick in quickly

'He could have taken the time off if he wanted to. He didn't want to. That tells you something, OP'
I don't think anyone has said any different. The point is in the original scenario with a parent and dc ill at home it, wasn't so unusual that the person at work doesn't take time off.
As things have now changed

I hope you are starting to feel better. Please, please ask the nurses to contact your husband's employer to say that he is required at the hospital NOW. You should not be dealing with a kidney infection, sepsis and childcare alone and he needs to step up.

OP, I really really don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You have made it very clear that your husband is choosing this behaviour. His work would probably be fine with him taking this emergency leave - lots of them will have families too!

He is simply unable/unwilling to change his working practices to accommodate being a parent. I have a high powered job too, but I've had to learn how to combine commitments of being a parent with work commitments.

Sorry but I think you need to consider going back to your previous career. He needs to be reminded that he's not the only person in the family who can earn good money. You sacrificing your career has enabled him to keep his, and now he's treating you with no respect or compassion at all. I hope you get through this horrible illness soon

So sorry to hear your update OP. Hope you're getting good care in the hospital.

I don't think people think you have a lavish lifestyle - most of us are similar to you - struggles with childcare, don't have easy access to family to depend on for emergencies etc. This is exactly what dependency care was put in place for. Your DH should have taken the day off to look after you. If not now, then when?

It's ridiculous that his company is so dependent on one employee (not even an owner) that it'll fall apart without him. It would be slightly less ridiculous if he was earning a massive salary that let you throw money at the problem temporarily. But if he isn't then he needs to take a long hard look at whether he has overinflated his importance to the firm, or is using it as an excuse to shirk his family duties.

Have the hospital staff not told you the kids need to be taken care of? There won't be anyone there who can look after them.

PM me his number, I'll get him over to you within the hour

OP, my husband is in a senior role earning a very healthy wage. I sent him your thread and he said your husband IBU. It really is bollocks that people in this position cannot take a day off once in a blue moon. Maybe a deadline will slip a day. But it is not the end of the world.

Some jobs it is genuinely very hard to be off. NHS, teaching, emergency services, tiny shops, factory worker even. But one day when your wife and child have been in hospital. Fuck that.

If it was a genuine one time thing he might have a point. But if it's constant he just doesn't give a shit.

OP, I hope someone had the hospital has called his work, and that he is on his way now.

I was so angry I skipped to the end and missed your update. I hope he is realising what a shit he is being. He should not have gone to work.

OP, so sorry you are so unwell and I am so angry on your behalf!
I really bloody well hope he gets his shit together now and steps up to his duties as a father and husband. It is not the hospitals job to look after a seriously ill patient's children - it is his.
I would be tempted to ring his boss to fully explain how ill you are, how much pain you have been in throughout the day, and how you have been left to struggle with two small children (one of whom is ill themselves) alone with zero support. Has he been calling round family members and emergency nannies? No.

And to all those talking about "different work cultures" etc etc.... I do take the point that some work places have cultures that make taking any time off in an emergency difficult, but that is not the way things should be. Workaholic cultures like that make it harder for ALL of us - working parents and single parents, and I believe particularly impact on female employees who have to deal with crap about "working mothers aren't as dedicated to work as working fathers" blah blahblah. The only reason some mothers come across as "less dedicated" is because they are FORCED to pick up the slack that their partners refuse to. Because when both parents wok, if they were to both refuse to look after a child too ill for nursery social services would get involved. You know the best way to change the culture within a workplace? It is by the most senior people in the most secure positions setting an example.

What is your dh like as a manager? Does he demand his subordinates neglect their loved ones too?

I hope you feel better soon, and that you get the support you deserve.
(You don't happen to live in NE Scotland do you?)

I agree with everything thesparrowhawk said. Please tell me he is on his way home
Now you are being admitted to hospital? Sepsis is serious. He needs to forget work for a few days and care for his family.
If he doesn't then I'd seriously be wondering why I was married to someone who didn't give a shiny shite about me.

Ps I really hope you feel better soon op.

I sincerely hope the DH is on his way home.

But if not, it's now time for the hospital to make the calls. So far, the DH has managed to find a way to ignore his wife and leave her to it. So, if the hospital calls, and via a PA, etc, that may do the trick. For now.

Long term, it looks as if this DH has opted out of the family, preferring work over actually stepping up when he's needed. A long hard talk is needed, especially when the OP's posts make it clear the company is more relaxed than the DH.

The husband needs to be told that if he does not get to the hospital PDQ or get someone else there, then SS will be called. If he knows that his wife is being admitted with a serious infection such as sepsis and doesn't make appropriate provision for his dc, then this may well become a "child abandonment" case in the eyes of SS.

Yanbu I can't believe he has gone to work and left you to cope with this. I would phone his boss and have his precious meeting interrupted. This would have me seriously considering ending the marriage.

I'm waiting on an ambulance just now and dh has of course immediately dropped everything to look after me and his children as it should be.

I hope you and your daughter make a speedy recovery

Oh my god OP. I can't believe I'm reading this. Is his job so important he doesn't give a shit if his wife dies and his kids go into care?
Sepsis really is that serious.
A business simply cannot put that much responsibility on one person's shoulders that it would fold without him. He either needs to have a word with his employees about their priorities or he needs to have a stern word with himself about his.
If he dares to get angry about this and how it's affecting his work then I'm sorry OP he needs a good dose of reality.
Let the hospital ring him and tell him just how serious things are.

*employers

Hope you ( and your little one ) feel better soon.
Your OH needs a reality check. Sooner rather than later.
Many moons ago I thought I was indispensable at work - although had any of my close family been as ill as you are I'd like to think I wouldn't have just left them just to get on with it on their own.
Thankfully someone took it upon themselves to remind me that we work to live, not live for work. Those 8 little words were a revelation to me and someone needs to spell them out to your OH so that he sees the light before it's too late. Family is far more important than any work.

So sorry you are going through this OP. I know what it is like as my DH can be like this too. I seriously thought that I might be on my own when I had dd2... Over the years things have improved, in particular when I was in and out of hospital for 6 months at one point with children at a similar age to yours.

Once you are feeling better you do need to have it out with him as he needs to understand that when your wife is admitted to hospital with a serious infection that has to take priority over everything else. Someone at work at a similar level could have stepped sideways (my DH did this recently for a colleague whose wife was in hospital) or his boss would have needed to deal with it - this is exactly the sort of situation his boss is paid to deal with.

For my DH the critical conversation was that he could start adopting the type of executive life of the CEO of ICI when he started earning the same sort of money as the CEO of ICI but until he did then he had to live the lifestyle of a normal human being and give up his delusions of executive grandeur........

I really hope the hospital call him with a clear message re social services.

I know a lot of businesses, particularly those modelling the US style of practice would be proud of the level of commitment from employees that said they never took a sick day or holiday. That they were always a phone call away. I don't know of any however that would push it to the point of being proud that one of their employees left his critically ill wife in hospital and let his children go into care, just so he could work. Yes, some of the more unscrupulous ones may give him static or try to sack him later, but it's been made clear that the OPs husbands work is in no way like this, so it's going to reflect very badly on him instead.

I hope this is a reality check for your family set up as far as he is concerned OP. You deserve more support than this.

I hope you feel better soon OP.

I hope you're OK OP, hopefully the overwhelming support from this lovely nest of vipers helps show you that you're not in the wrong. It's easy to normalise things like this until it becomes crunch time but it's NOT normal to leave your ill wife and children to deal with A&E alone. No one is too important to be there for their family. You deserve so much better than this.

I hope you are OK OP and that your dd is feeling better too.

Are you going to stay overnight in hosp?

Fwiw I thik your dh should have been able to make the difference between you being tired and needing a bit of TLC and you being really ill. There is no way that we were looking OK to be left alone this am with sepsis.
I also think it would be nice that when a SAHM says she is really unwell, people were not automatically saying that you ought to just suck it up. SAHP can also get seriously ill. And they should be listened to rather than being dismissed in favour of the big important person who brings money in.
I hope your DH will hear that message this time.

I'm gobsmacked that he went off to work when you were in hospital. He is being VVU imo. No-one is that indispensable and the children are not solely your responsibility.

I hope he has been and picked up the children and that you feel better soon.

Pyelonephritis is a bitch. You will need help at home when you're discharged, as it wipes you out for a while, so let's hope he's found a great nanny who can stay for a couple of weeks.