To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

If he's on a good salary, I'd employ an au pair/nanny, even if only part time. That way, you're not feeling utterly wrecked trying to balance all and cope with illnesses alone. And he can get on with working to pay for it. Hope you all feel better soon and husband takes a day off to enjoy his family.

My dad was indispensable at work... until he dropped dead suddenly of a heart attack while in his early 50s.

He was replaced by 3 people. Despite suffering the worst point of a recession and having difficulty with consultants cost cutting and union tension, the company realised that the workload was too vast for one person to handle.

Not that our family could replace him.

It was an old school SAHM/ man with important job type set up. But he did manage to put work.on hold at weekends (admittedly around his own pursuits...) and he did step up on a few rare occasions when either hospital was involved or DM was flat on her back unable to move with a bad back.

Being permanently at a "critical" point at work means that you can't gauge if this genuinely was a critical moment. He has a responsibility to his wife and family.

I hope you're over the worst OP, and I hope that this gives him some perspective over his work/ life balance for some positive changes.

@pontynan: Never mind the whole thread, if you read the original post she refers to dependency leave. She may not have used the correct terminolgy, but I guess that's what happens when you are surviving on a couple of hours sleep, in pain, feverish, dizzy, dosed up on painkillers, and trying to type on mumsnet with both a small baby and a sick toddler vying for your attention in the background. I am quite amazed her posts have been as coherent as they have been.

And if you employ over a certain number of people, you would be legally required to allow them emergency leave no matter how much you resent it. It is one of the responsibilities of running a business, and you would not be "paying for their childcare out of your own pocket", you would be acting like a decent employer who recognises that your employees are not robots, but have families and dependants who sometimes become seriously unwell at short notice. Unless you're Ebenezer Scrooge.
www.labour.gov.on.ca/english/es/pubs/guide/emergency.php

cheval: OP has explained that he is not on a high enough salary to cover this. And it is far more serious than feeling utterly wrecked: In the OP's last update she explained that she had been hospitalised with sepsis and she has not been back since (not that I would expect her to - she needs to prioritise getting better over mumsnet obviously).
I really hope op is ok, and that the dh came to the hospital to collect his very young children.

This thread made my blood boil on 2 counts, 1. OPs DH is clearly an arse ( my DH is self employed so understand the financial implications and still wouldn't leave me like that)

1. The women on here who think this is ok? Does OP not work at home raising two children mostly single handedly by the sounds of things. How dare she fall ill! We fight for equality etc and yet we are the first to stab each other in the back and point out our failings. This poor new mum has a sick child and herself has ended up hospitalised while her husband cannot miss a fecking meeting. It's a bloody disgrace. OP I hope you are ok and this gives him a boot up the backside. There are no pockets in a shroud

I just hope OP makes a good recovery. Sepsis is extremely serious.

for you OP if you are well enough to be reading this.

Just posting below the update from OP on Thursday for those who skip to the end of a long thread:

UPDATE: I have sepsis as well as a kidney infection and will be staying in.

^To those making up their own version of events and my life:-
Please re-read. Clearly you have several points wrong there. Perhaps if you re read plus the additional comments, you will understand. I regretted calling him a waste of space. I called him one because he was leaving his wife who is going back to hospital today with a kidney infection to look after a new baby and a 2 year old who is also ironically ill with a kidney infection.^
There are no other child care options and no nanny service would take me to hospital, daughter back to doctors today and to the pharmacy for her medication they didn't supply last night.

I was angry he was not taking dependency leave to look after his children when there is a good chance I will be kept in hospital. (Am now being kept in ).

Perhaps I should ask if the hospital can provide a moses basket for my 20 week old and the 2 year old can sleep with me?
Because clearly in your opinion I should suck it up and when there are no other suitable childcare options still not as my husband to step up???
Sorry for the sarcasm but I'm a little shocked I should not as the father to be a father in what is now an emergency.

^Oh and I WILL REPEAT THIS AGAIN...
WE ARE NOT RICH, WE DO NOT HAVE A LAVISH LIFESTYLE.^

WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE ONE SENTANCE AND MAKE UP RUBBISH LIKE "LAVISH LIFESTYLE" .

No family to help, friends at work etc plus I firmly believe that before asking a second cousin from outer mongolia that hasn't ever met my kids that maybe their father should just come home!

80's Mum - sounds like an awful place and people to work for.

If in were in hospital with sepsis and my husband expected me to stay there and look after my two young children, one of whom was ill, I would be asking some very grave questions about my marriage. What a fucking twat.

I mean, if he were commander of the British Army, I could understand if he couldn't get away, but the sky will not fall in if he isn't there for some FAT testing, will it? Work never, ever comes before family who need immediate help.

I hope you are ok OP. If you were near me I'd come and pick up your kids and march them around to your husband's office. He's a disgrace xx

Im finding it hard to believe this man is irreplaceable for one day. Most workaholics who claim to be an essential cog whose absence would lead to crisis, actually aren't. They like to assert that they are tho

YANBU, I have not read it all, but if he is so hig up and so important he should be able to manage his workload so he can be there for his wife and kids in an emergency.

He should have people at work who can do roles for him when needed, he can't do it all.

But OP I also think it will help you to develop some networks with other parents. Get involved in a local toddlers or when your oldest starts preschool; get to know other parents and do favours for each other (if you trust them).

Sounds sadly all too familiar OP. It's not easy and I do agree.
In a different note, I'm surprised your 2 yr old is not hospitalised with pyelonephritis. My DD has had this a few times, and has always had to have intravenous antibiotics. Chidren are treated less conservatively where kids are concerned!

I hope you're ok OP, in every respect

My advice (as a granny) would be to engage the services of a responsible 6th firm student to help out on a weekly basis, maybe just look after the children for a couple of hours whilst you enjoy a leisurely bath, or help out with a few little jobs. Also babysitting and then in an emergency you could ask her to help out(even if it was just entertaining the children while you have a rest). Hope you feel better soon, tricky situation. Xxxxxx

OP, what salary is your husband on? Sometimes I read these posts talking about how senior their DH is and turns out their on £50k. That is not enough to warrant 12 hour days, weekend working and general work obsession.
My ex was on £150k plus £60k bonus. 12 hour days (including the commute) and rarely working on weekend. BUT clearly consumed his thoughts. However he would have definitely been there for me in this situation, as I know would his equally senior colleagues.

Apoalling behaviour from him.

Simple simple solution though. Get help.

And that will make up for the fact her husband doesn't give a shit about her and the kids will it, Lady ?

Hope you're ok op x

Hope you are ok op
I too feel angry at not just your husband but the suggestion from some posters that as SAHP you have to suck it up. It's deeply unfair and utterly diminishes the SAHP role by suggesting you are not entitled to any kind of sick leave or support within your role.
There will always be posters who say 'I have 5 children, two dogs, I'm pg again and have hyperemesis and no family or friends nearby but I wouldn't dream of asking DH to help out because I manage'. Well bully for you but personally speaking I have two small children, a dog, family who DO live very close by and I would still expect DH to step up if I was severely ill and looking after a severely ill child plus baby. Neglecting to do so is not what happens in a healthy partnership. Of COURSE bringing in the wage is important but in an emergency the health of your spouse and children surely requires that you at least TRY to see what you can do to help?

Wow, pontynan, what a caring employer you are. Wtf happened to work/life balance?

This thread has made me both angry and anxious for OP. My ex was a selfish bastard and a workaholic, but even he stayed home when I was hyperpyrexic with food poisoning and so weak I couldn't cross the landing to the bathroom unaided.

My husband is exactly the same. Workaholic and I am a stay at home mum looking after 3DC.
I was rushed by ambulance to hospital with a ruptured appendix a couple of years ago. Straight into theatre to have my appendix removed.
I had to get my MIL to look after my 3DC as husband was too busy at work to come home or to come to the hospital!!
He did visit me in hospital the next day but still did not take any time off work. I had to get picked up from hospital by my MIL and 3DC. Then go home try to recover and look after my 3 DC.
Just didn't want you to feel that you are the only one out there in this situation

I hope you are ok kspikes and are doing better.
When you recover I would be absolutely bloody furious with your husband. If you divorce he will have a regular schedule to have them (no matter what his job is) and you can have some downtime then, which might mean you don't get so ill. I'm not saying you should divorce, but a kidney infection is serious, much less sepsis(!) , and your baby is ill also - if my husband weren't focused on looking after all of us in these circumstances I would really be wondering what the point of the marriage is.

Unbelievable. I really feel for you OP. Your DH's behaviour is appalling. If I had been one of the medical staff involved I would have called him myself to tell him to attend at once to relieve you of the children at the very least.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have family to help out and actually, even if you do, surely any decent husband or wife would be concerned enough about their partner/ child to want to be with them in these circumstances.

OP I have read the whole thread and am mortified with your DH. Yes he might have an important job but what, pray tell, is more important than his wife and children? I had sepsis last year and ended up in hospital for 4 months. There were other complications though.

I truly hope that you are ok and manage to sort out your home life and I have to say if I was in your position I would be seriously considering my marital position. Your husband is a fucking arsehole and no amount of money can make up for a family.
for you, hope you get well soon.

Another reader appalled by your husband and very, very much hoping you're improving and being well cared for.

I really hope your ok OP.

If he works for a big company, do they not have a free emergency childcare benefit for their employees? My husband's company do and mine did when I worked. 50h free childcare a year, to be used in 5h blocks. Nanny or nursery cover. It's worth checking. We didn't realise that we had it for the first 2 years of parenthood and would have totally saved our bacon a few times! For some reason it wasn't widely publicised!