To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

But also yatnbu! Sometimes he needs to be there for you. It's all very well "putting a roof over your head", but sometimes he needs to step up and help. What would he do if you were hospitalised? Would you be expected to take the kids with you?!

The thing is... I doubt he is even that high up. If he was so high up its his subordinates that are doing the work and he could definitely come home. I think he is a middle manager who is probably killing himself to climb one rung of the ladder.

Either way his actions are despicable. I hope you are ok OP and I hope you LTB after this. In sickness and in health remember?

geobaby she has been hospitalised.

I forgot to add - he does sound like a waste of space. You need to stop apologising for saying that, until he had grovelled for expecting you to look after your ( his as well) ill children while seriously ill yourself in the first place, and then for not dropping everything to look after his children and you when it became sepsis. Definition of waste of space as far as a spouse and parent goes really, you had it spot on.

This situation is totally shocking. I would never forgive my DH if he left my baby and sick child in hospital with me whilst I was seriously ill.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

I'm so sorry, I have been hospitalised with pyelonephritis on multiple occasions with very serious infections and been signed off for 6 months to recover before. It is no joke. I cannot imagine how you have coped with young children and no support. YADNBU. Good luck I hope that you feel better soon. X

OP I've thought about this post a lot since you posted and firstly would like to say I really hope you are doing better (little one also) and the hospital is giving you good care etc. For you to have reached the point of sepsis you must have been feeling dreadful.
I don't think any sane or reasonable person would think YABU. However as people have mentioned above this is an incredibly disappointing thread as some of the responses have been really cold and I wonder why people have even bothered to have families if in the event of serious illness they would always come second to the job. Like you said - it's not even the job but his level of being a workaholic that's the issue then I don't know how you deal with it but I hope this incident has shown him how precious you all are and that he stepped it up. Me and DH both work full time but if in the instance I became unwell I don't know what I would do (both parents deceased, one sibling overseas, no aunts/uncles/grandparents left and friends who also work full time) and It's always in the back of my mind that there is just very little support and it's an awful feeling sometimes. I'm really wishing you well and hope you see that so many of the posters here are routing for you so let us know if and when you can how you are getting on.

Been thinking about you a lot, OP. Hope you are ok x

Just read this, how disgusting that he didn't take a day off in those circumstances. You need to tell him that you cannot look after the kids in these situations and if necessary you will call his superiors at work and request that he leaves immediately.

Hope you are all right OP, and your little ones.

I keep coming back to this thread. I'm worried about op. Her husband is an utter loser and a disgrace.
I just hope op is ok and recovering and not getting worse.

I really hope you're feeling better OP and your DD too. I'm sure the stress of your situation has contributed to your illness. It sounds as if you and DH have some serious talking to do about happens in the future. Good luck!

My God I hope the op is OK. Sepsis is beyond serious. I really hope she recovers and is being looked after well.

If my DH pulled a stunt like that I don't think our relationship would ever recover. I also don't like this notion that just because op is a SAHM that this is the same as being a kept woman. Surely her looking after everything that isn't work related is exactly what has allowed her dh's career to take off, as he doesn't have to use any headspace for anything else. Her DH is not just having his cake and eating it, but having his cake and eating those of his wife and children too by never stepping up and being a parent. People like this work for their own pleasure and sense of self importance, not for the benefit of their families. They get to fulfill their passion, be seen as the great career man/woman and have a lovely spouse and kids without having to make any of the sacrifices that having children entails.
My dad was a workaholic.

Sepsis is really serious. I would think the OP is far to sick to return to this thread right now and in all likelihood will never come back to it. I wish her a speedy recovery but speedy in this context is likely to be a week or two.

Hi all. Sorry it took so long to get on here. Ive been so ill but feeling a whole lot better now. Thanks for all the love and support. He took the Friday off as dependency leave I think. He apologised and admitted it is him who just "feels like" he can't take time off but not that the business doesn't allow it. Xxx

So glad you are well enough to come back on! Hope your DH has had a very long, hard think about things.

Glad your feeling a bit better OP

Kspikes, it's so good to hear from you! I'm possibly overinvested here, but I was worried.

Are you still in horse'spiddle or recovering at home now? Take it VERY easy, whichever, sepsis really takes it out of you. You will need LOADS of rest and TLC.

I am glad you are doing better and hope bub is too! He had better keep apoligising for the next week. please make it clear to him that while you are all 'feeling like' things he had better feel like showing some commitment to his family. If he wants one.

Please tell me he took yesterday and today off as dependency leave as well? I hope you are feeling miles better but unless you rest you'll end up ill again.

Hope you're on the mend, OP. Are you home now and do you have any help with the children lined up?

Kspikes very happy to see that you are in the mend.

Are you back at home now? And who is looking after your dcs whilst you recover?

SO pleased to hear you are doing better OP!

So glad to hear you're a bit better kspikes I hope DH is looking after you.

I think you need to pay for childcare and help if you can afford it which it sounds like you can. Can you get childcare on an ad hoc basis or put your children into a kids club to help you?

People don't change. Even if you believe you would rather have a more modest life and a more present husband, imagine if you had to work to help pay the bills, then find money for full time childcare, and you always had to worry about money. Then you wouldn't have much time with your children. It's not as simple as "we could have a smaller house and more time together" you'd end up with less. A husband who works hard and gives you the option of a life with your children full time is worth a few days of inconvenience.