To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

For me first or last name is irrelevant - you should be called what YOU want as it is about YOU not other people. If she won't call you the name you want and insists on the more personal name , its a bit like being overly friendly with your bosses boss. Even in Uk culture that is not the norm

1. is plain uncomfortable, if there is no good reason for it ie asking another PA how to do something, then it is unacceptable but as a first offence it is a conversation and a quiet word that you would prefer she didn't share such information and if she needs assistance to keep requests generic as far as possible.

If you are very private normally you will find people loking for information about you so likel it wasn't a major slip but others picked up on it as little is known about you. You just need to be clear that you are a very private person and reiterate that you would rather private matters remained that way as gossip inevitably gets back to the person it is about and by then it is usually incorrect and difficult to correct.

I think getting hung up on the surname issue is missing the point. OP has asked to be called by her 'known as name', which just happens to be her surname. It's no different to an Elizabeth who is known as Beth, a Timothy known as Tim, or a Gregory known as Greg. When someone has specifically requested that you call them 'X' then it is bloody rude to ignore it and continue to call them 'Y' instead.

OP doesn't need to justify or explain why she wants to use this naming convention - it's not an unreasonable request. It's not as if she's told everyone that they must only address her as 'Wondrous Being of Light and Splendour". If someone did this in my firm and refused to use someone's preferred form of address then it would become a formal conduct issue.

As for the gossiping about your calendar entries to other people - that's a huge black mark. It would warrant a written warning in my company, as being discreet and keeping confidentiality is THE big golden rule for PAs.

You need to request a formal meeting with her and address both points. Tell her that her refusal to use your requested name is rude and disrespectful and that if she continues to ignore this, then you will involve HR. With regards to your calendar, tell her that you have become aware of her gossiping, that this is unacceptable and that if it happens again then it will trigger a formal warning. As belt and braces approach I would set your personal things in your calendar to 'private' so that nobody else can see them. One of my direct reports is a bit nosy and spends a lot of time browsing my calendar to see what I'm up to - so I set all my personal stuff to private so that she can't see the actual appointment or reminder.

It seems massively innapropriate to ask her to do personal things for you, especially if you're not that senior in the org. To be fair, that's probably why she's talking about it and perhaps it's you that needs to be disciplined for misusing company resources, not the other way round as ppl are suggesting. Certainly not what she's paid for I would have thought and also not fair to her if she has other work to get on with.

On the name thing, it depends if your asking for Mrs/Miss/Ms at the front or just using your last name as a first name. The former is definitely odd I'm afraid.

I agree with Groupie123 that you're very lucky to have a PA if you're not that senior. Don't screw it up!

karma It really depends on company culture. If she's the only one who is insisting on it, it is a bit off, and that's how it read to me.

Of course in some professions, it's an expectation - hospitals, schools etc.

Ooh i found some touchy xenophobes here.

Blimey Wawawaa you've inferred a hell of a lot from one sentence in a post! The OP needs a disciplinary? WFT?!

When I did some PA work in the dim and distant past, the boss would write her personal appointments in the diary to avoid scheduling clashes. It wasn't my business to report to everyone else that she was getting her legs waxed on Tuesday at 10. I'm assuming that's the kind of thing the OP means 🙄

Wawawaa it depends on how the company operates. If it's entirely normal for the PAs to also organise personal scheduling, then it's not unprofessional of the OP at all.

My boss's PA does this for him, because the nature of his job is that he is on call whenever needed - if a meeting moves or something urgent crops up then he's expected to respond, even if that means moving a day off or a dentist appointment. The company in return, provides him with a PA who runs his professional - and large parts of his personal - schedule. If the PA had no involvement with his personal appointments it would be almost impossible for her to accommodate last minute changes - which happen a lot!

The first issue would probably surprise and unsettle me, as it would suggest that you don't consider your colleagues equals, a d it seems a little hierarchical. The second point would really annoy me and I would investigate disciplinary procedures if you have any evidence.

finally Someone disagreeing with you doesn't make them a xenophobe.

Thanks for telling me that BigYellow. I thought that was the dictionary definition lame argument.

I think comments like "if you are in yhe UK fuck that and get over yourself" are xenophobic. Which was said on the thread.

If people are secure that they are not xenophobic why all the venom at my opinion?

Strange.

finally Are you always this sarcastic and pissy?

Makes it quite hard to respond to you in any reasonable manner.

Big yellow you were quite sarcastic and pissy yourself.

Yes i am a bit pissy when I see what i perceive to be xenophobia. I admit it. Shoot me.

Does everyone at work call you by your last name?

If yes, YANBU to expect that your PA does too.

If however, you are trying to establish some hierarchy where only your PA calls you by your last name, then YABU.

In terms of your PA discussing private information with other people - that is totally unacceptable. I'd be sitting her down and making it clear in no uncertain terms what your expectations are and consequences for not meeting them.

Point 1 you need to have strong words.

Point 2 is a deal breaker. If she is gossiping about personal info she will not keep her mouth shut about anything confidential.

If she is still on probation, then let her go. Otherwise formal disciplinary. No point in strong words, won't work.

Saying stuff like 'I thought that was the dictionary definition' with a wee humpty face when you know perfectly well that was not what I meant whatsoever is quite an extreme example of sarcasm I'd say.

You knew what I meant in the context of what was said so don't be so disingenuous.

I live in a very xenophobic culture. I understand on a personal level what xenophobia feels like, so don't feel like you can just discount everything I say because I don't feel the same as you.

"Why should your personal scheduling include snippets of your personal life?"

Lots of people use one calendar for personal and business - it causes problems if they don't e.g. assistant put something in the blank space in the diary, but actually that's the child's birthday so it has to be cancelled.

You are completely unreasonable on the last name thing. If first names are used at your workplace, that's what you should do too. When in Rome...

I do think that calling something "odd" when its just a different culture is pretty much the definition of xenophobia.

I don't even think you said that so not sure why your knickers are in a knot about it.

Not much more to say really.

I will discount what you are saying because you are off on one and i CBA
Have a good day.

"I have worked with English people who insist on being called by title and surname (Dr Taylor, Mr Sayers (surgeon) ) and we all shut up and go as per instructions,"

It's unusual in offices these days, but fine if everything is doing it. Hospitals are different.

LoL theres someone using the when in rome line.

Its a byword for we dont accept different cultures here in the uK these days.

Both are unacceptable.

No1, if she doesn't like you to call you by your name, she is free to work for someone else. By itself calling you by your 1st name is not offensive in this country at all, but refusing to follow instructions is not acceptable.

No 2, gossiping about your personal life, at least deserve a warning, if she is new she should be on some sort of probation, even if she is not new to the company?
My reaction would depend a bit on what she is gossiping about exactly.

If I can't trust her from the start, I would get rid of.

StoorieHoose Most (or some) assistants do have to organise part of their boss private life, what's wrong with that. If i have a dentist appointment on Monday at 2pm, my PA needs to know so she doesn't schedule something else at the same time, and so on. We are not talking about asking her to pick up my dry cleaning (and some do, or the PA sends her own assistant for that, but I am not senior enough )
Booking private and business flights is pretty standard too.

finally oh do give over with your snide little 'off on one' comments. So patronising.

Learn how to form an argument instead of just kicking off like a brat.

I have a colleague at work who is called just by his surname because that is his culture. It was confusing at first, because I don't work with him often so I wouldn't instantly remember which way round his name was (not a Western name) but no-one where I work would dream of not calling him by his chosen name.