To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

Agree with PP, if you are in the UK enforcing a different name code is just odd

Theres a britain First meme about that.."when in Rome"..etc

For number 1, she doesn't mean any harm. She simply doesn't understand. She's saying she loves your name, which is meant as a compliment. Since you really don't want anyone calling you by your first name at work, have you explained to her that this is part of your culture and at work you like to be called by your last name?

For number 2, how do you actually know she's gossiping to her peers about your personal life? It would entail you listening in on her. I just don't see how you could actually know this. I don't mean this to sound rude, but I doubt your appointments that need to be scheduled for your personal life are really that interesting to her.

Or people could just accept difference.

finally

So I am here in Korea. Should I insist on waving at my boss and not bowing? Tell my father in law to fetch his own drink? Call everyone I meet by their first name?

I would be ostracised, jobless and divorced in the space of a week.

Asking people to fit in to certain cultural norms is not the same as being a xenophobic Britain First style racist.

Number 1: If you're in the UK, fuck that and get over yourself.

Number 2: 100% unprofessional and she needs telling.

So you want to be called Ms Smith instead of Shabu? In the same way that Diana Ross insists on being called Miss Ross? hmm You sound like a right fucking drama queen, and needlessly pretentious. Get over yourself. You sound like a nightmare boss. No way would I work for anyone like you.

Did you get out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?

1. If you are commonly known as your surname rather than your first name your PA is being rude not doing the same. I had no idea a lady I worked with had a different first name to the one she used in work until we became good friends - it is an acceptable way of working even in the UK. I presume your PA wouldn't know your first name if they weren't your PA so in essence it could be an abuse of their position

1. Immediately nip this in the bud - even if it's something as simple as "Shabu has gone to the dentist" she's still giving personal information about you to others without permission. Make it clear that nothing personal is to be divulged without prior permission and the next instance will result in a formal warning.

Being a PA is a position where trust is fundamental to the success of the role and working relationship. If you can't trust your PA you may as well find a new one.

It would be really helpful if the OP would come back and provide the fairly vital information of which country/culture this workplace is based in. Until then, everyone is speculating based on unknown factors.

I have lived in three different countries, including Middle East so very different to Uk and have learned that when your not in your own culture you just have to accept some things will be different, it's part of being in a different culture and sometimes no matter how many times you say 'but in my culture....' you have to accept something different.
It's general culture here to use first names or Mrs XYz rather than XYZ.

Just asked my husband, who is from (I suspect) same or very similar culture to the OP, whether he would expect his surname to be used in a workplace where forenames were the norm.

His reaction: that is so cringe, why would anyone do that?

OP I'm assuming your name is something like Ming-yae Tagomi and you want to be called as Tagomi, and everyone else in your office calls you Tagomi. That's fine!

If you were insisting on being called Ms Tagomi or something when everyone else in the office calls you Ming-Yae then that's odd.

I have a long south Asian name that many many people gratingly mispronounce. I've always been called by a nickname (like "Liz") since I was in kindergarten. I had one annoying coworker who would insist on only calling me by my formal first name because he (an orientalist white fuck who longed for the good old days of James Bond and martinis at lunch) didn't like me anglicising my name. Fuck that shite. A name is a name, call people whatever they want to be called and don't be an idiot about it.

And on 2 I don't think anyone disagrees that it is ridiculously unprofessional of her.

Theres a britain First meme about that.."when in Rome"..etc hmm

Oh bollocks. There's also several about not abusing pets. Do you disagree with those as well? I disagree with most BF memes because I'n not a racist. Not because the words Britain first appear on the meme.

It's been well over a decade since I've lived in my home country. I have to live with in the culture that I live in. The OP xan follow her own culture but she can't expect others too.

Number 1 is super common in many Asian cultures - I have friends named Xin, Weng, Thanh, and that's what's I call them - it wouldn't occur to me to use their given nanes (yes in the UK) To be honest I'm not entirely sure what their given names are, or how the OP's assistant realises she's using the given name - most British people are entirely unaware that surnames are used preferentially in some cultures and don't realise they're using a surname as it's just the person's name - they're usually no drama about it

The name issue is the reason lots of Chinese people choose 'English' names - it's just not culturally appropriate for their given names to be used. We don't expect people to relinquish all aspects of their own culture when in the UK - it's why we're a multicultural society, and calling someone 'dramatic' or 'hard work' simply because you're ignorant of the OP's cultural norms is pretty unpleasant

veterinari Dunno, I suspect my husband is from the same or a very similar culture to OP, and he just called the situation 'cringe' so.

The significant issue with the name is that everyone else in the organisation is happy to use OP's second name. By insisting on ignoring OP's wishes, the assistant is in effect telling everyone else that she's "different", and I suspect this combined with the breach of confidentiality is also designed to depict herself as in some way having a special privileged relationship. The whole thing seems uncomfortably personal and needs to be stopped.

Ffs it's not xenophobic to assume someone should adapt to another country's cultural norms when living and working there!

Yes BigYellowJumper, but your husband is a sample size of one. He doesn't speak for everyone.

ceto But by the OP 'insisting' on everyone using her last name, isn't she the one who is trying to tell everyone she's different?

Unless I have read this very wrongly and it is a workplace where using surnames is common.

And does he use an English name Big? If so he's also avoiding given-name sensitivity, just in a way that we in the uk are more used to. It's very common and I don't see why it's a big deal.

I work across Asia, UAE & the US. Asking immediate team members to call you by your surname would be considered odd there too. You're in a professional environment & are not senior so YABU for wanting this. It puts barriers up. If I found out one of my reports was doing this I'd probably discipline them about maintaining organisational culture - not sure how you got away with this tbh.

As for gossip: who told you she was gossiping? Are you sure it's not someone shit stirring because they're jealous you have an assistant & they don't? If you overrheard it directly are you sure you know the full story?

I think you're really lucky to have a PA if you aren't considered senior. Don't screw it up.