To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

There is no mention of her wanting to be called by title and surname. Just surname. I really find it odd that she is refusing to do this, as everyone else calls you by your surname everyone else must find it odd too.

Can you expand on 1 and 2? I think the detail may be important as to whether you are being unreasonable or not.

mama I'm assuming she means she wants to be 'Miss Smith' rather than just 'Smith'.

'Smith' sounds rather 50s public school.

With regard to point 1, how does this play out with regard to the culture of the organisation? Are you the only person at your level that wants to be called Mrs X, or is it quite common? On point 2, has she been gossiping or perhaps being too open with information than you would like, Mrs X has left early for the dentist, when perhaps you would just like her to say you are in a meeting or out of the office.

To be totally fair on the name thing though, surely everyone has the right to be called what they want to be called. A name does not convey any superiority, or being a "right fucking queen".

If my name was Elizabeth, and I chose to go by my full name, you would be rude to call me Lizzie or Beth. I really don't see this as any different.

Its truly xenophobic to refer to different cultural ways as "odd". She needs to respect them. And so do people here

To say 'It's weird the Japanese do xyx' might be xenophobic, but to say 'it's odd to do that in this culture' isn't.

Assuming the OP lives in this country it's up for discussion. Op what do your superiors call you? If they all use your surname I'd use it to but if only the underlings were being expected to use it, I definitely wouldn't.

Number two on the other hand is a definite no no.

If you're in the UK, the workplace culture is to use first names at work. I don't understand why you expect everyone to adapt to you rather than you fitting in with the norm here.

It doesn't matter what anyone's opinion on calling someone by their last name is, that is the OP's work culture and she is being undermined.

Gossiping doesn't foster a good working environment and needs to be nipped in the bus.

OP she is disrespecting you as her Senior. Don't except her explains, it isn't acceptable.

Have a word with her, then if it doesn't stop, it gets taken to the next level as unacceptable conduct.

That could be done as an appraisal, so she has been given fair unofficial warning.

Do you literally mean surname, not title and surname? If so YANBU. If not, I wouldn't call someone their title and surname unless they did the same.

Definitely NU on the second point.

wombling There is a big difference between wanting to be called Elizabeth and wanting to be called Mrs Smith though.

Nipped in the bus, even.

Whether the OP wants to be addressed as 'Smith' or 'Ms Smith' I don't think 'I love your name' is a valid reason for her PA to refuse.

OP says that's how most other people at her workplace address her. If her PA thinks it's unacceptably hierarchical or not in keeping with the culture of the office, she should say so and talk the matter through honestly with OP. I still feel OP's cultural preferences should be respected - we live in a diverse society, it shouldn't be a struggle to accommodate minor differences of this kind.

I read it as OP wants to be called 'Smith' rather than Mrs Smith - actually that is quite common in my place of work too.

No2 - is massively disrespectful. Discretion is a huge part of working for someone.

Yoghurt - 'you wouldn't work for someone like OP?' I', pretty sure there are literally thousands of people who would, and gladly. I'm assuming don't work? Many many people put up with far worse, for the money.

that is the OP's work culture and she is being undermined.

I dont think tthats right. I am not from the UK. I dont expect everyone to work how my culture would do it. Its bout compromise from both sides. I respect the culture i work in.

For me this really does depend on the sector the OP works in, what she actually wants to be called like is it 'mrs x'. The culture of the work place is important.

Also the second one depends on the details.

birds But it is not part of the UK culture to call people 'Mr' and 'Mrs' any more. It creates a barrier that is contrary to UK work culture - one of the big problems in East Asian work culture is that junior members of stuff feel unable to question what senior members of staff are doing or to make suggestions to them. A huge part of that is down to senior members always being addressed eg CEO or Manager or Team Leader.

It is such an issue that many companies require their staff to take English names to try to get around this problem, because they are keen to follow a more western pattern and it is just too weird for junior members to use senior member's 'real' first names.

We have a more egalitarian workplace atmosphere, so it is better in UK culture to not have the barriers of using titles.

Do your seniors all call you Mrs X? I would think it was quite odd anyway, but if your seniors were on first name terms and your juniors had to call you Mrs, I'd think that was unacceptable.

BigYellowJumper I guess I just don't see how. It's just a name. Using an honorific to me has no hidden meaning of servitude or anything else.

asmoto Incorporating cultural differences is fine, but the person being incorporated needs to compromise too.

I couldn't work in a job where I had to call someone Mr or Ms X. It is so old fashioned and I don't feel you should command respect in a such a way, we're not in the army. I understand it's cultural for you but as a young British person I couldn't do it. I do tend to struggle with authority generally, though.

wombling Whenever I say 'mrs blah blah' I feel like I am talking to a teacher or my mum's friend or something. Not like I'm talking to someone who is my equal.

This person might be junior to her in terms of working relationship, but in the UK, we don't think of people as being 'below' us in that way.

For me, it creates a division.

Agree with PP, if you are in the UK enforcing a different name code is just odd, and not your assistant's fault.

Sadly I have never known a diary-sharing assistant not gossip about personal stuff in the calendar so either keep it separate or devise an unreadable code. It is unprofessional but is so commonplace.

I'm on a bus. Hope no one nips me.

I don't feel your relationship is getting off to the best start here. Re. Point 1, you say thus is for close family and friends. You ask her to do perosnal tasks but don't consider her a close friend? Perhaps you would consider letting her use your first name just between the two of you but refer to your last name to others/on the phone etc.

Re. 2, more detail required but I think you should discuss your expectations with her - perhaps she is aggrieved at doing things she does not consider her role? Also, it works both ways and it could be argued you are being unprofessional gossiping about your assistant on a public forum!

Fair enough BigYellowJumper, we'll agree to disagree 😁

The OP's wish to be known as "Surname" is no different to someone insisting on being addressed as "Sue", not Susan, or "please never call me Val, I am Valerie".

In other words, the OP is perfectly entitled to wish to be addressed a certain way, and her assistant is being disrespectful to say "nope, I'm not doing that!"

You sound like a right fucking drama queen, and needlessly pretentious. Get over yourself. You sound like a nightmare boss. No way would I work for anyone like you

All that over one fairly innocuous statement? Wow. Are you always this unpleasant in real life, or do you save it for the Internet?