To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

wombling Indeed. If you like, I can ask 20-30 Koreans in the space of the next 5 minutes, and I would no doubt get exactly the same answer.

Most people know that when they go abroad, they'll have to adapt to some norms.

Like I said above, should I not have to bow to my boss here? Not take care of my parents in law in a restaurant?

That would be deeply disrespectful of their culture, so why is it different in the OP's case?

I'll reserve judgement until the OP clarifies wether she wants to be called her title and last name.

No 2 is very un professional.

vet No, he does not use an English name. He doesn't even have one and he has said he will never take one.

It puts barriers up. If I found out one of my reports was doing this I'd probably discipline them about maintaining organisational culture - not sure how you got away with this tbh

You probably wouldn't realise tbh. In many Asian cultures the surname is listed first (where our given babe would be) the vast majority of westerners simply use the first name assuming it's the same as their given name and with no idea it's a surname. So it's a total non-issue unless you're the OP's assistant who is clearly making a point of being different.

BigYellowJumper I guess because our "culture" doesn't have such rigid rules and there is room for everyone's ways of doing things. That's why we are a multi cultural society in the U.K.

What matters is how everyone else in the workplace refers to others of a similar rank to the OP.

If they call her Ms X and the assistant calls her X, then she is NBU.

Otherwise, she is.

Point 2 needs clarification- are we saying that the asst scheduled in the OP's appt at the clap clinic and suddenly the rest of the office knows it?

I think both are tenuous tbh, especially point 2. How would you prove it? Also, I understand why personal info might be scheduled (see clap clinic above) but if it's that personal, then maybe your asst shouldn't be dealing with it in the first place.

Does she answer to you, or someone higher up? I have an assistant for 6 weeks of the year, our busiest period, but I am not her line manager, our director is.

I don't know why everyone - most people - are up in arms about the OP wanting to be known as Mrs Surname when she didn't say anything of the sort. My first assumption when she said culture was that as some others have said, in her culture you use the last name not the first name. I have come across this a lot, and I can't see that it is any different from people who use their middle names, so are called for example Rose not Lesley. I think most people on this thread have got the wrong end of the stick.

That would be deeply disrespectful of their culture, so why is it different in the OP's case?

Because calling someone the name they've asked you to use is not deeply disrespectful to British culture in the same way the examples you've outlined are.

PS - the irony of the assistant being unprofessional and the OP telling 20,000 MNers isn't lost.

"When in Rome" is a valid point. I used to work in a French law firm. The admin staff addressed the lawyers as "maitre". It seemed very formal to my ears but it was the cultural norm there.

YABU with point 1
YANBU with point 2 and need to say something to her sooner rather than later about this.

vet No, he does not use an English name. He doesn't even have one and he has said he will never take one.

Then some aspects of Korean society must be much more flexible than you think. It would be unthinkable to many of my friend she and colleagues from other Asian countries to use their given names (which are usually deeply personal) in a professional context - its surnames or English names only. Just goes to show you that on every Asian country is not the same as others (assuming the OP's culture is Asian of course!)

vet In my opinion, it is indeed disrespectful to insist on everyone calling you 'Mrs Smith' when everyone else gets 'John' and 'Jane'.

wombling Even if we are not strict about some things, why shouldn't people respect aspects of our culture if it is causing problems at work?

I have never met anyone who has said they will not be called by their name in the west. They either choose an English name to get around it if it bothers them, or they just accept that that's how we do things.

Yes, we are multicultural, but we also have norms. It leads to a lot of intercultural confusion when other countries think that eg just because we call our boss John doesn't mean we can also high five him or whatever. People coming to the UK do need to also adapt.

Point 2 - needs putti g a stop to.

Point 1 - I wouldn't work for someone who insisted on a surname basis. It's quite wanky really, as an aside from 'I'm more important than you'.

'When in Rome' is not a Britain First saying

vet Bit patronising, no? I think I am aware of how Korean culture works. I live here, I am married to a Korean man, my kids are Korean, I speak decent Korean, I have a large number of Korean friends and colleagues. So I think it is a bit dismissive of you to say I don't understand Korean culture, considering how much time I have spent doing exactly that.

Some people are iffy about their names being used. There are ways of getting round it - English names, asking for an honorific to be used, or just accepting that it's a cultural difference.

The English name thing is also not as simple as it first appears, but I can't be arsed getting into that considering you seem to think I don't understand the culture that I live in and that my kids were born into.

Perhaps you have worded it a bit strongly, Op & lets take the fact that it is a surname out of the equation.

So essentially, you want to be called X, but she is calling you Y because she likes that name/wants to-I think that that is rude.

She shouldn't be gossiping about your personal life & that probably needs addressing.

To be fair if she works in the medical field it is very normal to address Consultant or seniors with title and surname.... is this your secretary OP?

Where does the OP say she insists on people using her title?

That wasn't aimed at Confused009. Just a general question

The OP hasn't said that she is Mrs, or Miss or Ms or any other honorific.

She may just be Lee or Smith or Jones or whatever.

And it's not the assistant's job to choose.

Take it to HR or whoever employed her.

vet Bit patronising, no? I think I am aware of how Korean culture works. I live here, I am married to a Korean man, my kids are Korean, I speak decent Korean, I have a large number of Korean friends and colleagues. So I think it is a bit dismissive of you to say I don't understand Korean culture, considering how much time I have spent doing exactly that.

Not really, because I didn't say any of that. My point was that you can't apply Korean culture across Asia. I have zero experience of Korea, but I wouldn't presume it's cultural norms are the same as other Asian countries I do have experience of. So just because you or your DH normally do something in Korea you can't presume it applies across Asian cultures or to the OP (without knowing where she's from). From what you've said their seems to be more flexibility re: name use in Korea. That sounds lovely and it's great you have so much experience of one culture - it doesn't mean it's universally applicable across the entire continent though.

I don't think OP is coming back...

OP appears to have left the room without giving us the further info needed to make a proper assessment of the situation, at least as far as 1) is concerned.

1. If the workplace norm is that everyone is addressed by their first name, then YABU to expect 'most people' to address you by surname (and presumably title, though you haven't said). It's quite possible that your PA doesn't feel able to tell you that she feels unhappy about addressing you more formally, so she's fallen back on saying it's because she loves your name.

2. I don't understand why your work scheduling has to include snippets of your personal life. Surely your PA is there to support your work-based activities only? If your schedule is such that non-work activities sometimes take place flexibly during what might otherwise be considered working time, just block them out in your diary as 'unavailable' or 'personal'. I agree that she's wrong to gossip (if you're sure she has) but professionalism works both ways, and you should make sure she's not involved with organising anything to do with your personal life.

vet I didn't say you could apply Korean culture across Asia, but I would strongly suspect, based on what the OP said, and her username, that she is Korean or Japanese who, (probably much to their chagrin), share a pretty common culture with regards to using first names. Indeed, it is well-known that Koreans are generally the most strict when it comes to using names vs honorifics and that other Asians think that they are a. either a bit ott about it or b. that it is very lovely and respectful.

Anyway, I didn't say anywhere that I thought Korean culture was the same as every other Asian culture (why on earth would I think that, there are like 5 billion Asians, I am aware they're not all the same...)- I was going off the expectation (perhaps wrongly) that the OP is Japanese or Korean.

Thinking about it, I am now more convinced the OP is Japanese and not Korean because it would just be too odd for a Korean to use just their family name and it is true that she didn't say she asked for Mrs or Ms to be used.

OP if you are of a totally different culture, please ignore me. It is just interesting to talk about.