To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

Err no.

"One of my direct reports is a bit nosy and spends a lot of time browsing my calendar to see what I'm up to - so I set all my personal stuff to private so that she can't see the actual appointment or reminder."

Not a good idea if the person is making appointments for you. You need to see where your appointments are to guess timings e.g. is your meeting in the office so you will be free straight after or is it far away and travelling time needs to be taken into account.

In many offices all managers' calendars are open to everyone and it's considered useful to know what they're up to, not 'nosy'.

As for formal meetings with HR, don't be silly. A quick chat is all that's needed.

Have a good day Bigyellow

Are you in the UK? If so, I think that insisting on being addressed in a way that is suitable for your culture is inappropriate - surely you should be accommodating to the host country's culture.

However, gossiping, or even commenting upon your private life is totally unacceptable - about anyone, not just the boss. This has to be stopped. Can you give a (suitably anonymised) example of what she is commenting on? I assume it can't be terribly personal, but even if it's a dental a appointment, it's none of her business.

Wrt a) I used to be a PA for a 'Sir', and we would speak Welsh to each other which means there was an option for me to use a formal "you" to him. Not only did I never use the formal pronoun (which he once remarked on, but laughed about it) I would always call him by his first name, as did every other member of staff.

If first name terms are acceptable to use for a knight of the realm I'm not sure you have any excuse.

"LoL theres someone using the when in rome line.

Its a byword for we dont accept different cultures here in the uK these days."

Every workplace has a culture. We all have to fit into that culture. Work culture is different to my home and family culture yet I have to fit in. Why doesn't OP. At my level I don't get to ask people to call me Miss X, why does OP???

I've lived abroad and I made an effort to fit in.

On the name thing, it depends if your asking for Mrs/Miss/Ms at the front or just using your last name as a first name. The former is definitely odd I'm afraid

Sorry - this is also what I meant about accommodating host country culture. I have worked with Muslims who prefer to be called by their surname, but it is just (say) "Haq" - not "Mr Haq"

No finally it really isn't. That may be how you feel about it but that's for your concsience to battle with.

Haopy to agree to differ.

My conscience is fine.

I just believe you are all defending xenophobia, which is your right.

Have a good day all.

What's wrong with the When in Rome guide?

Even in Europe I try to do the right thing, eg greeting shop keepers when you go in instead of skulking around as you would in UK. Or using "vous" instead of "tu" as appropriate. Just trying to be polite, really. So would the anti-When in Rome brigade open a can of lager in the streets of Saudi Arabia and stroll around in a pair of Daisy Dukes?

I think the OP can ask to be called what she likes, but as others have noted, we don't really know enough about the situation to judge whether OP is being high and mighty or just a bit put out. As for the confidentiality, then that's a definite no-no. We all divulge bits and pieces to our colleagues, eg hospital appointment. If the assistant is merely answering "At the hospital," in response to an enquiry as to OP's whereabouts, that's not good, but not terrible. If, however, she is saying, "OP has gone for an examination of her haemorrhoids, ha ha," then that is very bad.

"One of my direct reports is a bit nosy and spends a lot of time browsing my calendar to see what I'm up to - so I set all my personal stuff to private so that she can't see the actual appointment or reminder." Not a good idea if the person is making appointments for you. You need to see where your appointments are to guess timings e.g. is your meeting in the office so you will be free straight after or is it far away and travelling time needs to be taken into account.

I don't have a PA. If you read my post you'll see that I have said 'direct report'. I make my own appointments and manage my own diary - which is why I set my personal stuff to private, because she doesn't need to see them. I headline each day with whether I'm in or out of the office so my 'presence' is visible to anyone who wants to see it.

In many offices all managers' calendars are open to everyone and it's considered useful to know what they're up to, not 'nosy'.

My free/busy time is available for everyone to see, but it is not the norm in my firm for managers to have open calendars. I deal with sensitive and confidential things which are access restricted, so it would be inappropriate for everyone to see exactly what is scheduled in my diary. Every firm has its own way of working.

As for formal meetings with HR, don't be silly. A quick chat is all that's needed

Perhaps read my post again? I said have a meeting with her and explain that if this continues then HR will be involved - which is an entirely appropriate action if you have an employee who is refusing to follow a reasonable instruction.

I got bored after page 4. And I need to work. But here are my thoughts, very quickly.

1. You need to clarify for me whether everyone (including the boss) at work calls you by your surname also, whether its Title Surname or just Surname.

1. You need to give better context. You saying she is gossiping. Doesn't mean she is gossiping. She saying I need to go and get First name's dry cleaning is talking about you and doing something personal for you but is not gossiping. Unless of course you believe that request is unreasonable and if people find out they'll think less of you in the workplace (still not gossiping imho).

1. I truly believe because of your PA's response to your request in point 1. That you are looking for something to get annoyed about in point 2.

I wouldn't work well with someone with your attitude in point 1. (Though I'd probably do as you ask, whilst looking for a new job).

If your assistant is young and she is genuinely gossiping, even if it's something like "first name is going to watch Motown tomorrow, I so want to go and see it too". Gossiping, but completely innocuous,
it just needs to be mentioned that you don't really appreciate it and you'd prefer other people not to know your personal business, that you are giving her your trust and she is expected to live up to it.

But I don't think you like her because of point 1, so trust is going to take longer if at all.

For No2, I would report as disciplinary and she wouldn't pass probation.

I think getting hung up on the surname issue is missing the point. OP has asked to be called by her 'known as name', which just happens to be her surname

Exactly!

I can't believe how nasty this thread is. What with this thread, and the "can I wear a figure hugging dress to my size 18 friend's wedding?" thread, I'm really taken aback by how hateful some Mumsnetters can be with SO little provocation.

YANBU - gossiping about your personal life is beyond the pale. You are the boss whatever you want her to call you is what she should - using your first name when you asked her not to is a power play in IMO.She thinks her opinion is more important than yours - nip it in the bud.

I don't understand why so many people are outraged by the fact the OP has a chosen name that isn't their first name and how this is somehow disrespecting UK/British culture??

For instance my Dad has the same first name as his dad, let's say it's Graham (or something similarly old fashioned). He goes by his middle name e.g. Mike or Michael. If anyone decided to ignore that and start calling him Graham, that would be rude.

I used to work with brothers who were from South Korea. They both went by the same 'first name' because it was their family name. No body started complaining about wanting to call them by their second name.. sometimes their full name was used if it was unclear which brother you were referring to.
*I do not claim to know anything specific about Korean culture, this was my experience.

The second point YADNBU. Even if it is only a dentist appointment, surely they should just say 'OP will be out of the office this afternoon' or something similarly vague.

If people are secure that they are not xenophobic why all the venom at my opinion?

If I said you were like an ignorant twat would you be happy with that? Presumably you don't think you are one.

Again, as an immigrant living in a foreign country, like yellow jacket, you do attempt to follow the culture of your host country. It's polite. It's not xenophobic. In your attempt to out pc the rest of us you've started taking absolute bollocks.

I'm really taken aback by how hateful some Mumsnetters can be with SO little provocation.

Most of these posters have clearly no idea about what a PA or EA can do and how corporate environment can work, so they are quite entertaining to read.

I don't understand why so many people are outraged by the fact the OP has a chosen name that isn't their first name and how this is somehow disrespecting UK/British culture??

That is such a common thing to do in this country as well. The first thing anyone sensible ask before booking a flight is "what is the name on your passport", so many times they are completely different from the one used at work.
and being offended about calling someone Mr Smith as opposed to Bob...It's quite funny.

I think I'm reading this a bit differently from some of the other posters. I didn't take it to mean "Don't call me Liz, it's Mrs Smith to you" (which would, I agree, be out of order). I'm assuming that the OP is generally known at work by her surname and that this PA has taken it upon herself to use a name other than the one she is generally known by and prefers. That's a bit different. Because you generally call colleagues - well, what everyone else calls them! My boss was Stephen (and was always Stephen), his boss was also Stephen, but was always known (to everyone) as Steve. No greater or less familiarity- just that was how they wished to be known and everyone abided by that.

The gossiping point - yes, it's unprofessional. But I think it depends what you mean by gossip? And how it's intended. So - say there's a conversation about a new restaurant. A PA says, "oh, I think Natalia was going there with a friend on Thursday, you should ask her if it was nice." Normal office conversation and no real confidence broken. If she says, "Oh, I think Natalia was going there with the chap from HR and I think they might be having an affair as he's always buying her a coffee and she bought a new skirt at lunchtime" (mind working on overdrive now!), then that's rather different.

And sometimes, honestly, it can be meant well. My DH had a PA who, quite frankly, thought the sun shone out of his arse. She really thought he was marvellous and, I'm pretty sure did "gossip" about him in the sense of telling poeple "Bob's doing this with his family - oh, he's a super dad" or "Bob's going there, isn't he smashing?" - but it was really meant well and just a sign of how much she liked him, if you see what I mean? So it's hard to take offence at that.

coddiwomple oh gosh yes, isn't it hilarious that the unwashed masses don't even know what a PA does? Hil-ar-i-ous.

If she is asking the PA to call her, eg, Smith - whatever. If she is insisting on Miss Smith - comes across as quite rude, unless it is common in her company to call people that.

isn't it hilarious that the unwashed masses don't even know what a PA does?

because a PA is posh now, is it? My point exactly. It goes with the outrage about an assistant dealing with private matters, why?

We've all asked what the op is called by higher ups and if she insists on 'Ms, or Mrs' but as she's posted and ran it's going to result in guessing.

Actually the vast majority of the world don't have their own pa

coddi I think you know exactly how you intended that post to sound. Not all of us work in the corporate world. Thankfully.