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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DP that it's nobody else's fault that he's fat?

219 replies

TMaysSexyLegs · 26/06/2017 14:56

DP recently went on a training team building weekend with work. He kept texting me whilst there saying he was hating it and considering coming home.
Anyway once home he told me that he had been made to carry heavy stuff around all weekend and walk and run long distances with no regards to his health and he felt he was going to have a heart attack, which nobody cared about. He said he felt unfairly treated and discriminated against. I asked if he'd been made to do more than the others and he said he hadn't, but he had been made to do the same as the others despite his "obvious disability" (being overweight!). I told him being overweight is a reversible condition which he chooses not to reverse and it's not a disability! I also said he should have been expected to do the same as everyone else as it's not their fault he's fat!! Anyway he's decided I have proved his point that overweight people are discriminated against and he's going to raise an official complaint. I said he's unreasonable.

I would have more sympathy if he actually tried to lose weight but struggled to do so but he doesn't even try! A typical Saturday for him is a bacon, sausage and egg buttie (or two!) for breakfast, McDonalds for lunch (two cheese burgers as a STARTER before tucking into a king size Big Mac meal) and a huge dinner. And THEN a takeaway on the night. I have no sympathy at all. He thinks I'm unreasonable and at worse, discriminative. AIBU??!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 28/06/2017 12:20

I've just done a quick calculation and I reckon the OP's DP is eating around 6000 calories on a Saturday.

HarmlessChap · 28/06/2017 12:20

I'm unsympathetic towards people who make no effort to choose a healthy lifestyle but expect society to fund a the care thier lifestyle results I, so in that respect YANBU in saying what you did.

However, he is NBU to expect his employer to take account of his ability and wellbeing at the time of this team building exercise.

Who is to blame for his obesity problem and the employer's expectations are separate issues IMO.

TheFatOfTheLand · 28/06/2017 12:44

Or are you just enjoying the smugness of "well, fat people shouldnt eat so much then!"

Quite an assumption there that I'm being smug (which I'm not).

The OP didn't ask for advice re: her DH's weight but then it's very rare that a thread stays exactly on track on MN would you not agree? The comments about his weight and how he exacerbates it by his dietary choices is relevant to the content of the thread. If he were slimmer/fitter then this team day probably would not have been a problem and the OP wouldn't have posted about it.

There's no indication he has any medical condition (physical or mental) or is taking any medication that would be the root cause of his weight gain. The amount of fatty food he consumes seems to be the problem here.

I get tired of the cries of fat shaming every time someone says that people need to take responsibility for their own health when there isn't a medical reason for it It just seems like people trying to close down the conversation.

AngelsSins · 28/06/2017 13:50

My god this makes me furious! Being obese is NOT a disability, I don't care what any Act says. My brother is disabled. He can't speak properly, and is very hard to understand, he's autistic AND has epilepsy. He would give anything to be able to communicate, and to have a job, or be able to drive, but there is nothing he can do to change what he has. To imply that some fat guy who stuffs his face daily can then suggest that he's classed the same as my brother is insulting.

I do have sympathy for overweight people, for whatever reason, I get that it can be hard and could agree that food can be an addiction. But it is not a disability.

Did women at this event also do as much physical activity as the men? Ask him if he thinks that means they were discriminated against seeing as women tend not to be as strong as men. And what about the smaller men? Should everyone's activities been personalised to make it fair to their sex and specific body shape? I don't know how you can keep your shit together with him OP!

Coddiwomple · 28/06/2017 13:53

link posted by another poster on a different thread

www.personneltoday.com/hr/obesity-discrimination-first-uk-tribunal-finds-obese-worker-eligible-for-disability-protection/

StormTreader · 28/06/2017 14:15

From the tribunal report linked above:

“This judgment is also notable for the medical report’s suggestion that the claimant’s health would have been improved if he had lost weight over a period of time. It appeared to make no difference to the tribunal that the claimant’s condition was self-inflicted and could have been improved: the important thing for the tribunal was the impact of the condition on the worker, not its cause.”

MrsNuckyThompson · 28/06/2017 17:20

Being fat is not a protected characteristic so if he submits a formal complaint he'll just be giving the HR team a good laugh.

All I can think to do is to be as supportive as possible in making formal suggestions to lose weight....

Neutrogena · 29/06/2017 05:43

OP - how would you feel if the situation was reversed and you had piled on the weight?

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/06/2017 06:25

OP - how would you feel if the situation was reversed and you had piled on the weight?

I don't think that's got much to do with it.

Presumably the OP would never in a million years register a complaint for something so inappropriate, as her DH is doing.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 29/06/2017 07:05

.... and the award for most ridiculous notion on the thread goes to Neutrogena Smile

We can 'reverse' every situation that anyone posts about but that doesn't really make any sense does it

OP - how would you feel if the situation was reversed and you didn't do your fair share of the housework?
or
OP - how would you feel if the situation was reversed and you had had an affair?
or
OP - how would you feel if the situation was reversed and you had sexually abused your partner?
or
OP - how would you feel if the situation was reversed and you were the one bullying a work colleague?

Ktown · 29/06/2017 07:09

I feel a bit sorry for him.
He has got into a terrible routine with his eating habits.
He will die young if he doesn't sort himself out though.
He shouldn't complain at work as they will think he is mad for being treated the same.

MrsPorth · 29/06/2017 07:16

You could suggest he contacts ACAS - perhaps they'll be able to convince him that he's being unrealistic.

TipTopTipTopClop · 29/06/2017 07:25

But are you expecting him to hear you in some way? Do you think what youre saying is genuinely helpful to anyone? Or are you just enjoying the smugness of "well, fat people shouldnt eat so much then!"

Do you think that a cosy blanket of understanding and acceptance is helpful to someone who is eating themselves to death?

fluffiphlox · 29/06/2017 07:30

Happened to BBC Breakfast yesterday or the day before and they featured ManvFat Football, a weight loss and football group for men. He sounds like a big baby to me, not in his size but in his whinginess.

JigsawBat · 29/06/2017 08:07

The OP needs to ask him why he is eating like he does.

At least one or two of those people must have had a hand in their DH/DW going to rack and ruin

So surprised at comments like this.

My DH is very obese. His diet is similar to the OP. Breakfast will be whatever's in the house. He can snack on share bags of crisps. If we go to McD's it's a large meal plus two small burgers. Takeaways are a large pizza, sides of chicken and chips.

It devastates me to watch him eating like that, knowing that he's going to die young. Knowing that I'm going to spend my later years alone, most likely. Knowing that there is every chance I'll wake up one morning and find him lying next to me, cold. Knowing that there's a chance he may not be around to see DD grow up.

And then there's this assumption that OP just needs to start by asking her DH why he eats like that. Putting the responsibility on her.

OP's DH is ridiculous for claiming discrimination and trying to put the blame on other people, but I doubt this will be his wake-up call either. And OP is not the one responsible for this, any more than her DH's colleagues are.

There is little to do, as the partner of someone obese, in my experience. If I don't comment on his eating habits, he'll just carry on as he is. If I do comment, he gets upset and then I'm 'putting pressure on him' so it's not going to work. I've broken down sobbing because I was scared for a future without him, both emotionally and financially, because he's too big to even get life insurance and I do minimum wage work and would struggle to even keep a roof over the head of myself and DD is something happened to him, and though that was apparently the motivation he needed, we're here many months later with him bigger than ever and continuing to eat to success. And I can make suggestions, but they're often knocked back.

Pinning the blame on the partners of obese people is shocking, to me. I love DH more than anything, and trust me that if I had the magic solution as his partner then I would have tried it long ago.

JigsawBat · 29/06/2017 08:13

excess, not success

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/06/2017 08:24

He has got into a terrible routine with his eating habits.

If only there was a way of breaking it, of not getting in the car and hauling ass to McDonalds for a mother load feed every weekend.

Thissameearth · 29/06/2017 09:17

Jigsawbat that sounds really shit I'm sorry he's just continuing with that

TipTopTipTopClop · 29/06/2017 10:25

Jigsaw Flowers
Really not hugely different from living with an alcoholic is it?

StormTreader · 29/06/2017 10:26

"Do you think that a cosy blanket of understanding and acceptance is helpful to someone who is eating themselves to death?"

He is not on this thread, he cant hear you. If you were talking to him in person then your comments might possibly achieve something, but youre not. Im not sure how else to say it?

Bearing that in mind, do you not see how "OMG fat people should eat less!" is actually just being judgemental? I could say "alcoholics should just stop drinking!" - after all, thats helpful, right? They must just not know that drinking is bad!

BeepBeepMOVE · 29/06/2017 10:43

Eurgh, he sounds disgusting! In appearance and attitude. How can you watch anyone gorge themselves like that and still want a relationship with him?

Of course being fat is a choice. He is choosing to stuff his face. Tell him to gain some self control.

Also he's being treated equally to others so how he feels discriminated against I don't understand. If anything he'd be carrying a smaller body weight % then everyone else and that's how you should measure weight bearing ability. The smaller people should be complaining!

BeepBeepMOVE · 29/06/2017 10:45

storm
Bearing that in mind, do you not see how "OMG fat people should eat less!" is actually just being judgemental?

No I don't, it's the truth. He is fat because he eats. Being fat is not good, health or looks wise or generally easy life wise. Ergo eat less!

JamRock · 29/06/2017 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StormTreader · 29/06/2017 10:51

"Ergo eat less!"

But who are you telling?

WannaBe · 29/06/2017 10:54

We have an obesity crisis in this country. And it is not helped by the fact that it is now seemingly not permitted to acknowledge the fact that for most people, the reason why they are overweight/obese is because they eat/drink too much/the wrong things.

Any mention of that is considered fat-shaming, and won't someone please think of how difficult it is.

Being fat may well be disabling if you're overweight enough but it is *not a disability - there is a difference.