To have told DP that it's nobody else's fault that he's fat?

[TMaysSexyLegs]

DP recently went on a training team building weekend with work. He kept texting me whilst there saying he was hating it and considering coming home.
Anyway once home he told me that he had been made to carry heavy stuff around all weekend and walk and run long distances with no regards to his health and he felt he was going to have a heart attack, which nobody cared about. He said he felt unfairly treated and discriminated against. I asked if he'd been made to do more than the others and he said he hadn't, but he had been made to do the same as the others despite his "obvious disability" (being overweight!). I told him being overweight is a reversible condition which he chooses not to reverse and it's not a disability! I also said he should have been expected to do the same as everyone else as it's not their fault he's fat!! Anyway he's decided I have proved his point that overweight people are discriminated against and he's going to raise an official complaint. I said he's unreasonable.

I would have more sympathy if he actually tried to lose weight but struggled to do so but he doesn't even try! A typical Saturday for him is a bacon, sausage and egg buttie (or two!) for breakfast, McDonalds for lunch (two cheese burgers as a STARTER before tucking into a king size Big Mac meal) and a huge dinner. And THEN a takeaway on the night. I have no sympathy at all. He thinks I'm unreasonable and at worse, discriminative. AIBU??!

"if weight loss was a simple matter for obese people there would be far more slim people! It's far from easy."

Weight lose is simple. It might not be easy but it is simple. 100% there are different contributing factors that make it more difficult for some but it's still a simple process.

Can we not focus on the man in question and not hidden disabilities/health problems that could cause overweight?

In this guys case he eats like a pig and is overweight as a result. He thinks that being a glutton means he should have preferential treatment to people who dont stuff their faces with enough food to feed a family every day. He is wrong. And I cannot understand why such a whiny self pitying arsehole is still in a relationship with the OP because I couldnt stand to be with someone so lacking in self awareness and who refuses to take ownership of his own issues.

I strongly suspect that the level of activity involved was not as great as he is making out. I think he is unaccustomed to exercise and so it felt much worse for him and that he felt out of place because other people could manage what was asked.

I am obese but I exercise regularly (partly because I am trying to lose weight). I do a minimum of 10k steps a day quite often carrying a couple of kilos of shopping in a backpack and cycle too. ( Ultimately, I am fat because I eat too much of things that I like but my body doesn't.) If he isn't used to exercise then doing 10k steps in a day (c. 5 miles) would be knackering - I had to build up gradually. If his usual is walking from the car park to the office and back again then being asked to do 5 miles in a day would feel like a marathon. However, for many team members it would be a pretty average day. So his perception is going to be very different from some of the others there.

But it doesnt matter why hes fat right now, its totally irrelevant.

What matters is that for someone carrying that kind of weight for whatever reason, exercise of this strenuous kind is more difficult, more medically dangerous and more painful due to stress on joints. No doctor would advise an obese person embarking on a full-throttle military boot camp, your organs, muscles and joints simply cant adapt that quickly.

By his work insisting on it, they are not taking the needs he has today into account, its the same as any person being asked to carry a painful amount of weight at too fast a speed, it hurts.

Which aspects of obesity do I enjoy? I enjoy the freedom from sexual harrassment (if you are obese but not too obese you are damn near invisible to men on the street). Age helps with this too, of course - I'm old enough now to stay invisible if I loose weight.

I also - and this is a personal thing - enjoy the confidence it gives me that I'm not developing full blown Aids. I was (wrongly) diagnosed as HIV positive 25 years ago and its left mental scars that no amount of subsequent negative testing or medical advances or rational thought (obesity brings serious health risks) seems to erase. ( I've lost quite a few friends to full blown Aids - its not all dramalamary).

This annoys me. YANBU op.

My Dad has ms and incurable cancer. My brother is severely autistic. My Grandma can't walk.

Your husband calling himself disabled makes me

People seem to often let go of themselves because they are unhappy or when the romance has been completely neglected, or if they are kept very busy by other things.

This is why I am a bit at the number of DP of said fat people, that are judgy about it. At least one or two of those people must have had a hand in their DH/DW going to rack and ruin.

Not suggesting that his weight is anything other than his fault but managers have a responsibility to make sure that team events (including optional ones) are inclusive. What that means will depend on team makeup but could mean that physical, alcohol based, things based on specific interests are not suitable. I've vetoed suggestions such as a diving competition, beer tasting and axe throwing as all not being sufficiently inclusive. A pub quiz, shuffleboard competition and guided walk have all passed the test.

deffoncforthis
This is why I am a bit hmm at the number of DP of said fat people, that are judgy about it. At least one or two of those people must have had a hand in their DH/DW going to rack and ruin.

Seriously!
Yes, people eat for emotional reasons but ultimately it is the choice of the person eating to use that as their coping strategy rather than something else. Do you also believe that a partner "drives someone to drink?"
I say this as someone who is obese. The responsibility for what I eat and why I eat sits with me. Trying to put the responsibility on to someone else is a way of giving away your control and responsibility over the situation. I am not pretending it is easy to deal with emotional eating but part of the battle is recognising that you are doing it and that eating is an unhelpful coping strategy what gives a short term fix but a longer term problem.

At least one or two of those people must have had a hand in their DH/DW going to rack and ruin

Lovely, if you're fat it's your spouses fault.

Fuckin hell, some of you are so aggressive in your responses.

Is this for real? He wants to be classified as disabled by his work? And will write a letter of complaint? Most team building exercises if you can't do it you can sit out.

It's interesting that he says he was made to do these activities - how was he actually made? I have avoided some physical exercises during so-called 'team bonding' events - not because of weight issues, but because I didn't feel comfortable with them - I just said 'do you mind if I sit this one out, please?' Surely he couldn't be forced to do these things?

I couldn't sit there and watch anyone chomp their way through that much food and I definatly couldn't have sex with them.

Sorry op he sounds a greedy needy whiney pig

People seem to often let go of themselves because they are unhappy or when the romance has been completely neglected

ODFOD

I was a 9 stone gym bunny before I met my partner. Within months of meeting him I'd stopped going to the gym, spent more time socialising and going out for delicious, rich calorie-laden meals. Within a matter of months I went up to 11 stone and became fat, not fit. I was as happy as pig in shit and the romance was still in its honeymoon phase so that blows your theory out of the water.

My Eureka moment was when my partner's best mate said to me "What is Father Christmas bringing you this year - an exercise bike?"

He was a nasty little twat who hated me 'stealing' his best mate but that comment was the best thing he could have said. It made me take a serious look at my unhealthy lifestyle and make changes. I went back to the gym a couple of times a week, chose healthier meals when out and, over the next few months, lost the weight I'd gained.

I put on weight through lack of exercise and eating too much food. Totally my own choice/fault and I took responsibility for it.

Its a YANBU from me also. Weight is more to do with what you put in your gob. I see all these wobbly people flogging their tripe out jogging whilst clutching a water bottle and they think they will lose weight !

No,excercise is primarily about aerobic fitness.

Weight management is about eating healthy and maintaining a calorie equilibrium or a small deficit.

No one in the world chooses to be obese, that's not a thing

Well of course they don't choose to be obese, but they choose to eat a lot because it's straightforwardly a joy to eat delicious food, and they choose not to exercise because it's not fun.

How heavy was the heavy stuff he had to carry?

How far did he have to walk? How far did he have to jog?

I waouod be rather surprised if this was remotely strenuous. Team building exercises just aren't, though they're often not sedentary.

I suspect OP has a DP who is a bit prone to exaggeration. Perhaps she'll,come back and clarify?

@jiminnycricket you say you lost all interest in food and realised this is how normal people must feel about food and it was a revelation.

I'm "normal" in the middle of my bmi range. I certainly have an interest in food. Its not that I don't want a takeaway or beer/wine or cake and crisis it's just I force myself not to have that every day as it's not good for me. Neither am I itching to go out for a run etc I have to drag myself. So please don't assume that if people are slimmer then it's because it's easy for them. it's a struggle for most of us to turn down cheap and tasty treats which are avail and affordable to most.

YANBU.

If he does decide to try to lose weight, such as not visiting McDonalds, then at least be supportive. Though it seems unlikely.

@Thisismeearth said exactly what I was going to say.

I'm slim (usually) because I show restraint. I love lots of calorie-laden foods and would happily eat them at every meal. I don't though, because I know I will end up overweight so I load up the veg on my plate instead of piling those lovely, crispy roast potatoes.

Very few people, slim or overweight, have no interest in food. That's not normal, not by a long shot If you mean I have no interest in eating twice my weight in fry-ups, burgers etc. like the OP's husband then you're right.

• @Thissameearth I meant

Thissameearth badly phrased, what I meant is I have no desire to eat until it hurts anymore. I'd be so heavily craving that I'd make myself sick in order to have room to eat more. This was probably twice a week.

Every day though I'd have the urge to binge on something, probably managed to defend against 90% of them but the 10% I didn't defend would end in major, major binges.

I don't have cravings at all anymore, no 'if I don't eat I'll die' feeling which is very much not normal.

That's what I mean by 'abnormal' eating.

@jiminnycricket I think your point was that there needs to be greater understanding of reasons for obesity such as in your experience, to treat it. bingeing and being sick to eat more sounds awful but I do not think (obv happy to be corrected) it is the experience of all or even most overweight or obese people and doesn't sound like it's the OP's husband's experience. I don't therefore think looking at obesity through your experience would necessarily assist most? I don't meant at all to be rude, I just think a lot of people get into a rut of overeating and under exercising and it adds on in increments and sort of creeps up on you and feels like massive effort to work off? That seems the experience of family/friends I know of, but obv others will differ. It's good you're doing so well

If he's eating that much every Saturday, that's more than just normal every day over eating, that's a serious mental health concern.