To have told DP that it's nobody else's fault that he's fat?

[TMaysSexyLegs]

DP recently went on a training team building weekend with work. He kept texting me whilst there saying he was hating it and considering coming home.
Anyway once home he told me that he had been made to carry heavy stuff around all weekend and walk and run long distances with no regards to his health and he felt he was going to have a heart attack, which nobody cared about. He said he felt unfairly treated and discriminated against. I asked if he'd been made to do more than the others and he said he hadn't, but he had been made to do the same as the others despite his "obvious disability" (being overweight!). I told him being overweight is a reversible condition which he chooses not to reverse and it's not a disability! I also said he should have been expected to do the same as everyone else as it's not their fault he's fat!! Anyway he's decided I have proved his point that overweight people are discriminated against and he's going to raise an official complaint. I said he's unreasonable.

I would have more sympathy if he actually tried to lose weight but struggled to do so but he doesn't even try! A typical Saturday for him is a bacon, sausage and egg buttie (or two!) for breakfast, McDonalds for lunch (two cheese burgers as a STARTER before tucking into a king size Big Mac meal) and a huge dinner. And THEN a takeaway on the night. I have no sympathy at all. He thinks I'm unreasonable and at worse, discriminative. AIBU??!

I think you're both right actually. It is very much his responsibility to own and manage his weight problems.

OTOH, he is overweight now and his work are putting him at risk by making him participate in what he clearly felt to be too much physical activity. What if he had had a heart attack, or stroke? No "team bonding" can be worth that. What about disabled people, older people, aren't they meant to bond too?

Well of course they don't choose to be obese, but they choose to eat a lot because it's straightforwardly a joy to eat delicious food, and they choose not to exercise because it's not fun.

^
This

It's all about choices. People say to me 'oh you're so lucky you are slim'. No its not about luck, I work hard to make choices that keep my weight down.

I am overweight, well actually technically obese.
This is because of the way I eat and the fcat I don't exercise.
The way I eat and my lack of exercise is down to a chronic illness.

I woud still expect to do the same thing than others because let's be honest, in a team building exercise, what they are asking to to do is NOT completely out of reach for most people (who are, in average, not extremely athletic iyswim)

I'm rea

im really struggling to see the discrimination.

I'm also wondering how he would have reacted if he had been told he didn't need to do xxx because if his obvious 'disability' aka you're obvioulsy too fat to do any of that!

deffoncforthis what a load of bollocks. I'm fat because a) I'm disabled, b) medications and c) my input exceeds my output and I like food. I'm a grown woman, and my weight is no one else's responsibility, certainly not my DHs. He's not force feeding me crisps ffs!

I'm fat but even I'd laugh if I received that complaint. I'm fat because I had a strange relationship with food, its up to me to change that, no one else.

Is he depressed or being bullied? There could be reasons for his weight gain?

I am literally fucking amazed that no-one else noticed a doctor on this thread commenting:

"as a doctor being asked to provide sick notes for people basically because they have eaten themselves into that position really galls me....

you are not disabled you chose to eat too much and you have got fat "

Given this attitude, it's no wonder than morbidly obese people fail to present at their GP when it's obvious they should - smear tests, blood pressure checks, pneumonia etc. Even when those illnesses are clearly not weight related. I would be smashed to have this attitude as a healthcare professional.

I do have some sympathy with the OP's husband, he has a job - which I assume he carries out regardless of how fat he is.

He didn't join the company to undertake the duties enforced as part of the offsite and appears to have been put in the position where he could refuse to participate.

I can guarantee he will have been massively uncomfortable, due to the exertion and the looks and reactions (and judgement) from the other participants. He's likely looking for a way to ensure he doesn't have to undergo this type of humiliation in future, again I'm assuming it's an annual thing, and has seized upon a discriminatory angle.

DespicableMeh - but most overweightness IS caused by simple overeating and laziness isn't it?
Sure their be a medical element t some people's obesity, but most fat people I know are just greedy and lazy.

Neutrogena are most greedy and lazy people fat?

I am literally fucking amazed that no-one else noticed a doctor on this thread commenting

We noticed. We just didn't disagree.

There is so much bullshit talked about obesity now. It's always someone elses fault, there is always a reason, and now its a disability?
Come off it. The vast majority of people who are fat are so because they eat too much and move too little. That's why I was fat, thats why most people are fat. How about some responsibility?

Bit shocked by the people saying he's "repulsive" and that they could not be attracted to someone eating that much food or having that attitude. You are talking about OP's husband. That's insulting! 😡😡

Anyone eating that much food is troubled in some way, self-medicating in some way (I say that as a 14-stoner perpetually verging on being a 15-stoner myself). By complaining about the treatment he received and thinking it is unfair, I think he is lashing out rather than blaming himself and his overeating. He is lots of things as well as overweight, and OP is with him for a reason. He needs a little love and understanding, not censure. OP has told it to him as it is, and that is good, but no need to try and make her embarrassed for him. I do wish people would think before posting!

You can't just take a random bunch of peopl from a sedentary wirkbplace and expect them to spend a weekend doing an equal level physical activity. Some colleagues will be training for marathons and other won't be able to run five minutes.
I'm two stone overweight (working on it) but can easily run 10k and am in half marathon training. It's not about weight but about what you're accustomed to.
So yes, calling his condition "a disability" is wrong but also his workplace were wrong to think that this kind of humiliation would be "team building".

Anyone eating that much food is troubled in some way, self-medicating in some way

See? Just stop with this shit. Stop diagnosing people.

Someone at a company we do business with actually did have a heart attack after a strenuous team building weekend. I think your DH's work were completely stupid and irresponsible to put him in a position that would have endangered his health.

I dunno, I'm disabled and I manage to stay slim by not eating very much (I am a vain cow) but seriously, no one wants to be fat do they? People obviously struggle with their eating habits for lots of different reasons, it can't all be about greed and gluttony. Surely there are elements of addiction and self loathing. Personally I try not to judge.

no one wants to be fat do they?

A lot of people don't care very much, if at all. You have to move away from the notion that every person who is overweight is struggling, is having problems of one kind or another. Sure sometimes, but quite often its just simple overeating and lack of exercise.

It's not a condition.

Despicable - i was the gp who posted that comment.

If my obese patients come in and want help with their weight i am empathic and helpful...but the bottom line is obese people coming in saying they cannot work because they have bad knees or bad backs or get sob if asked to get out of a chair....and when i explain that weight loss would help them and they could get back to or into work...and i am met with derision , scorn, often abuse and they want to be signed off sick so they do not have to work or tackle they obesity, then yes i fail to feel sympathetic towards them.

Obesity is a real problem....and causes real medical problems BUT is it reversible but only if the obese person actually engages in change.

It is disabling while you are obese but it is not a disability in the way being paraplegic in a wheelchair is...

Lots of Doogie Howser's & Dr Quinn, medicine women on this thread. If you are going to consume more calories, then you burn you are going to put on weight. Yes, there will be medical exceptions but, anyway putting that much crap into their system, is abusing their body & can't blame anyone else

I'm obese, almost morbidly so. It's my own fault. I'm a comfort eater and have been under shedloads of stress for years (which is finally being dealt with).

So I'm now regaining control by eating less and moving more (I'm doing that 10000 steps a day for cancer). Slow steps, sure, but all in the right direction. I got myself into this mess, it's no one else's fault, so it's up to me to sort myself out. And I feel better for it.

It's not easy to accept you are fat and then to try and do something about it, but the only way to deal with the problem is to acknowledge the problem, which I'm doing. OP's DH really needs to get his head out the sand and look at the issue full on. Being fat is not a disability, it's a self inflicted problem for the vast majority of overweight people. There are a very few exceptions (my dad being one) who have medical issues, but even dad's medication is being reviewed and he's hopeful it'll help him and he'll lose weight.

""All this "people don't chose to be fat" well if being fat was purely a mental health issue on a par with anorexia, you would expect to see the same number of adults anoerix and obese.
1 in 4 adults in the UK is obese.
1.6m people in the UK are estimated as having a diagnosed or undiagnosed eating disorder. 65.14 people live in the UK. ""

Those statistics don't take into account the people who are obese because of physical reasons. That would make the numbers closer. Coupled with so many people not having an anorexia diagnosis.

I'm disabled and obese, before I became obese, I was disabled. Medical factors have led to my obesity. I'm getting better, so I am losing weight. I'm 15st.

I was watching the weekly program from an obesity clinic. The consultants said that they have never seen an obese person who could be considered totally either physically or mentally well (at the start of their weight gain).

The obese and on benefits programs show people who had psychological issues, a few were recovering from injuries. So have other programs. Likewise I've never met an obese person who didn't have something going on in the background, such as self worth and obesity is a way of checking out of society, dating etc.

Being overweight is different completely.

The OP needs to ask him why he is eating like he does.

It was a stupid idea for a team building exercise, though. It managed to alienate one of the team.

""There are a very few exceptions (my dad being one) who have medical issues, ""

I don't agree with that (nor do some medical experts), as someone whose worked in Health Care and had a DD go through the SN process.

There are a lot of disabled children who are now adults and obese, who in years gone by would have died in infancy. I often wonder if people with Down Syndrome are counted in the numbers etc.

He's likely looking for a way to ensure he doesn't have to undergo this type of humiliation in future

What, you mean like not eating 3 burgers for lunch and actually taking responsibility for his health? That would certainly be a start.

I've love to know what the teambuilding really consisted of. I can't imagine any company would run the risk of forcing an obese person to do exercise above and beyond their abilities and then getting sued for injuries. He will have had to sign a declaration about his health and what he can/cannot do. There's more to this than he's telling the OP imo.

"He's likely looking for a way to ensure he doesn't have to undergo this type of humiliation in future

What, you mean like not eating 3 burgers for lunch and actually taking responsibility for his health? That would certainly be a start."

It really is fascinating to see the moral judgement around fat shaming being played out so blatantly. 100 years ago you'd all no doubt be smugly discussing how single mothers in the workhouse brought their hardship on themselves by not waiting until marriage.

I'm with AuntieStella...

exactly how heavy were these 'heavy' weights he had to carry? And how far did they have to run? Did nobody, literally, nobody else have trouble (ie, asthmatics, older members, those with arthritis)? Because if it was only him finding it difficult to lift/run then it's not just his weight that's a problem, it's his general unfitness, and that would be a problem even if he were lighter.

Being overweight is his visible problem, which is why he's calling 'discrimination'. If he were, say, eleven stone and still couldn't manage the tasks, what then? Would he have claimed that being unfit was a disability too?

It's not fat shaming to say eating 3 burgers in one sitting is bad for your health. It really is fascinating to see how many people bury their heads in the sand about these things.

But are you expecting him to hear you in some way? Do you think what youre saying is genuinely helpful to anyone? Or are you just enjoying the smugness of "well, fat people shouldnt eat so much then!"

I notice that nothing in the OP is anything like "we just dont know how he can lose weight, does anyone have any advice on that?" and yet most of the posts have been exactly that, and the OP isnt even the one with the weight problem! Is the expectation that she is supposed to pass all these comments onto him, or is everyone just enjoying a good public fat-bashing?