Sunday times article woman who fail at breastfeeding

[daffodil10]

I've just read this article aibu to be so sad that the situation discussed is still happening?

I can completely relate to the author, 14 years ago I was trying my hardest to bf and failed miserably. I had no support, only judgment and criticism. I can't believe that young mums are being given NHS booklets telling them that formula DESTROYS your babies gut when this is not true and only serves to prey on post natally depressed minds.

I was talking to a mum of a two week old baby last night, she was struggling to feed but was terrified of giving formula in case her friends, mil, hv, midwife found out. She couldn't handle the guilt. This is 2017, why is this behaviour by the breast feeding police still allowed????

At the moment not enough support is giving to breastfeeding mothers but the consesus of this thread is breastfeeding should be promoted even less?

I can't speak for anyone else, but I haven't said or thought that^^ at all. I think breastfeeding should continue to be promoted, but like a lot of people I know, wanting to bf and knowing the benefits of it didn't automatically equate to being able to bf. Promotion only works if mothers are able to do it. That isn't as easy as it sounds for some. I think the general consensus is that there should be more support for mothers who already want to bf. I already wanted to and didn't manage to do it for very long. What use would more promotion have made in my case? Same goes for a lot of women I know. Maybe there are tonnes of women out there who aren't aware of the benefits yet (though, God knows how they could have missed it).

Formula is great stuff. It isn't breast milk, which for me would have been my preference by far, but when breast milk simply wasn't available (see my previous posts), I just feel fortunate that we had a safe alternative to feed my DD. Thank God for it. If she hadn't had formula she would have starved to death. It was that simple.

My DS is FF. we tried everything to BF - had the community midwives out every day, daily calls to LLL, bereadtfeeding support group, paid for private lactation consultants.... when that didn't work out, I decided to express and after 2 weeks of that I had such bad mastitis I was shaking too much to even be able to pick up my baby, and that was the end of that. The effort of trying almost broke me and I was a hair's breadth away from PND. I was made to feel guilty from all sides and I still feel upset by it months later.

DS is 4 months now. He's met all his milestones months incredibly early, is the 99th percentile for height and 75th for weight, and has slept through since 8 weeks. Never had a cold or a stomach bug. He's a gloriously sunny, inquisitive and funny little chap and I don't think he would be any different were he BF. Ultimately, I don't look at him with fear and dread which I did when struggling to BF so we have an infinitely stronger bond than we did before.

I really wish I hadn't let myself get so mired down in obsessing over BF and had moved to FF sooner.

What silkpyjamas said is what often upsets people- suggesting people can't be bothered to make the effort- that is the sort of attitude that is the problem

I can't believe that young mums are being given NHS booklets

They give them to old mums too, you know.

I wish it was better known that BF can be really difficult but that support is out there if you're not finding it easy. Our local council has a bloody fantastic lactation consultant available. If I hadn't known she was there (saw her 4 times!), I'd never have managed.

I also wish everyone would push back against this FF v BF crap and just do what they want then own it. I've had so many women see me BF then start explaining why they 'had' to use formula as if I give a shit or it was any of my business.

I dont disagree and have mentioned to numerous health visitors that we have it completely backward in this country where its all about promotion and no follow through. Hence 82 percent begin to breastfeed but only 1 percent continue past 6 months.

I by no means think formula is awful (in countries with clean water) but it is a problem when corporations have control over how 99 percent of children are fed. For example follow on milk is a completely made up creation that has no nutrional benefit to a child. They are also now trying to push into Africa which is dangerous to the health of children.

But the majority of women in this country formula feed! Breastfeeding rates in the UK are abysmal, so if you are formula feeding you are very likely to be surrounded by women like you. Doesn't that help make you feel less judged? I breastfed my 15 month old in soft play today and let me tell you, I felt judged!

Fuck em, I say...

Ugh my phone doesnt let me reply to people direct.

No Lou.

They can say it's the ideal scenario but then so are lots of parenting choices. They could also admit the truth about formula( it's perfectly fine and the stats behind the supposed benefits of breast milk( which often change according to whatever the latest "study" is ) are actually pretty small even after all these years of trying to find negativity over formula. That formula must be the must scrutinised food your baby will ever eat. They could also say enjoy your baby and don't make yourself miserable trying to breast feed.

Fizbo

I planned to bf. My sister bf 3 children. I had emcs though and no milk appeared. I had no help from the hospital, mw, hv at all.My sister was was the only one who tried. Couldn't get a latch. I ff after that, and never gave it another thought til I joined MN many a year later. Mines a teenager now. I have no regrets and refuse to feel guilty about it. It's ridiculous.

WelshGirl - There in lies the truth. The NHS is backed into a corner. We have to get our breastfeeding rates up but there isnt the funding for lactation support. Hence ante natal promotion but no follow up.

welshgirlwannabe

Why do you feel judged by ff mums? They are the ones not doing what they're told. They probably think you are judging them.

Completely agree with you there Lou. I found that - loads of info about the benefits - I didn't need to be sold the idea of bfing, I was already dying to do it! But the help I got afterwards was poor and hard to find. I think there's a lot of wasted time and money, convincing people prenatally to bf, when ime, most people either don't need convincing as they already want to bf, or they really, truly, don't want to bf and can't be convinced. I don't know anyone for whom it was a grey area; either they wanted to try or they didn't. That money and time would be better spent postnatally, helping with latching problems, checking for tongue tie etc imo.

I think there's a difference though between promoting bf and supporting bf. I knew all the benefits of bf but wasn't given much practical support to do it. Less than ideal circumstances: baby in scbu following c section. Wasn't even told I ought to try hand expressing colostrum until day 3 so nearly missed the hormone boat completely. Initially couldn't attempt to bf as baby couldn't breath and had oxygen mask on, tubes in etc. Then when he was a bit better, I'd already been sent home from hospital so could only be with him for a few hours a day. Not sure how I was meant to establish bf in that situation but was told to pump every two hours, 24 hours a day. I did try but physically and emotionally just wasn't up to it after c section and being told how sick my son was. I never got more than 40ml in a whole day of pumping (at a time when he was having 800ml of formula a day!). Still felt horrendously guilty and cried at the first few bottles of formula I made when he was finally home with us.

Pregnant again now and fingers crossed things will go better but I'm under no illusion how hard bf is. My friends who bf were absolutely on their knees with exhaustion. I think I'll aim to combination feed if I can.

I have to say though that my guilt came from me and the messages I'd absorbed about bf before the birth. I've never had a single negative comment from anyone about ff. The only person who made me feel shit was a pro-bf mum who used to constantly post things on Facebook about how great bf was and stories about babies who'd died from contaminated formula. I don't follow her posts anymore!

Louhotel I don't think anyone is saying that breast is not nutrient risk and fantastic what I am saying is that why do we have to tell mums that formula is poison? It isn't.

Lefloch, I felt judged by everyone to be fair, not just the ff mums

I felt judged because in our society it is not 'normal' or usual for a woman to lift her top and get her nipple out. Full stop. It is even less usual to do so for a walking, talking child. People do judge what is not usual, and the whole world loves top judge women's bodies...

Anyway I'm not trying to get into a 'who's the most judged' spat, but it is a fact that the majority of British women ff and the public health board has a responsibility to try and hand turn that around. It may be badly executed, but it's almost certainly not personal.

I just don't get the argument that because breastfeeding is what nature intended it's definitely the best thing. I was born by c section and the doctor told my mother that if I'd been born 'naturally' both she and I would have died. Would that have been better because it's what nature intended?!

Anyway, I gave up breastfeeding at 8 weeks and felt horrific about it. I came so close to PND. A year later and I realise switching to FF was the best thing for me and DD and don't regret it for a second but in those hormone fuelled, sleep deprived early days I felt like the biggest failure ever. Without a doubt it ruined my first few weeks with DD.

I think it was the combination of unrealistic expectations from antenatal classes (babies should feed every 2-3 hours, anyone?!) and complete lack of support after the birth. To be honest I wouldn't mind as much if the NHS was consistent. Tell women it's not a big deal and then don't support them, well, fair enough. But don't spend a two hour long session telling women how amazing and important it is and then don't help them to do it, that just seems cruel to me.

Also those bloody NHS leaflets and posters are such a waste of money. Every HCP I saw just gave me another bloody leaflet written like it's aimed at an 8 year old.

Oh and I ESPECIALLY hated the bit about how you save money breastfeeding. Not once you've paid for the lactation consultant, three different sizes of nipple shield, breast pump and bottles, steriliser, private tongue tie snip because the NHS waiting list is three months long...

Excuse the typos!

Daffodil - what i dont understand is i dont know a single person in a baby group or family member who made to think formula was awful just that it isnt the optimal choice, which is the scientific truth.

I struggled in the early weeks of breastfeeding and quit several times and i actually found it the opposite with midwives who basically were like ''yeah maybe you should move to formula''...something that led me to over expressing leading to an over supply that lasted months!!

@Pigface, we have some of the lowest rates of BF in the developed world. So I'm not sure what your point is? Perhaps if we BF more our health outcomes would change? Not saying they would, however your point is somewhat arse about face really.

YY Lou, HCPs when they were one to one with me almost all said I should move to formula . I wonder if they just cba to actually help (not all HCPs btw, some of my dearest friends and relatives are HCPs). Much easier to 'promote' bfing publicly, but when you actually need help executing it they're nowhere to be seen. That's how it felt to me at least, but yes, hormones etc.

Breastfeeding is best for babies. Much better than formula. You can't get upset with the NHS for telling you the risks of formula... it is just the same as when they warn you about smoking, alcohol or your diet... they are giving you all the correct facts so that you will hopefully make the correct choices.

I struggled with DD1 so much. We made it to 10 days before I was admitted to hospital with sepsis from infective mastitis. I then needed resus because I turned out to be allergic to the AB.

I am still left with enduring grief about it, tbh.

DD2 is still feeding at nearly 3 years which makes me so proud.

The contrast in my experiences has been stark. I can see how my inability to breastfeed DD1 was based in structural issues in the society and family I come from. I truly had no idea about breastfeeding and there was no one (friends, family, NHS) who could support me because both my family and my culture (Scotland) use formula as the norm.

It was the LLL who enabled me to breastfeed DD2. Both the expert support from the leader and the supportive peer group.

It's such a fine line though. According to everyone I know outside the LLL, I am feeding beyond the acceptable age range.

Breastfeeding is just another stick the patriarchy use to oppress women, imo.

I had a long labour ending in an emcs and was told that I needed to breastfeed to "fix" that.

I explained how repulsive, revolting and disgusting I found breastfeeding. I told the health visitor how it was making me hate DS, that my heart broke every time he was hungry. How every night at five to six I'd contemplate suicide or running away because I could not stand the thought of the next six hours like clockwork with him latched. I was told that breastfeeding makes you bond... to keep at it... that other women would sell their firstborn for my supply... that I was selfish. That I needed to keep going because it was best for him and me.

I managed three months and it almost killed me.

In general terms though, there needs to be more realistic antenatal support and postnatal support.

I went to a three hour ante-natal session run by a community midwife and it was all about the benefits. Never mentioned that it could hurt or that nipple cream is a thing. Never mentioned tongue ties or that some babies might struggle to latch or that your milk doesn't just turn up or that losing vast amounts of blood might mean you can't. We got the same line we did about natural birth, "our bodies were made for this".

I'm friends with a peer supporter and she was telling me about how they're training more staff to work in local hospital but what's the point of that when most women stay no longer than 36 hours (including sections) and some are home in six, not to mention home births? We're lucky in that we have a local support group (run by said friend) which takes place during a toddler group but you need the confidence to go along which if you're having problems can be hard.

GPs, health visitors and community midwives all have such different takes on it, their helpfulness is really a postcode lottery.

There's a sticker on the door to our weigh in clinic which says 'breastfeeding welcome here'- excellent. On the sticker is a cartoon of a woman breastfeeding- the woman is saying "I want what's best for my baby!"

This really, really cheeses me off. It implies that FF-ers are deliberately choosing 'second best'/ don't want the best for their babies. In the context of how miserable some women feel about not being able to breastfeed for whatever reason, this is a really awful message to be (literally) plastered on the door of a service that's supposed to provide support.