Sunday times article woman who fail at breastfeeding

[daffodil10]

I've just read this article aibu to be so sad that the situation discussed is still happening?

I can completely relate to the author, 14 years ago I was trying my hardest to bf and failed miserably. I had no support, only judgment and criticism. I can't believe that young mums are being given NHS booklets telling them that formula DESTROYS your babies gut when this is not true and only serves to prey on post natally depressed minds.

I was talking to a mum of a two week old baby last night, she was struggling to feed but was terrified of giving formula in case her friends, mil, hv, midwife found out. She couldn't handle the guilt. This is 2017, why is this behaviour by the breast feeding police still allowed????

I think the problem with calling formula 'less than ideal' is that it presumes that you can isolate out the process of feeding the baby from everything else going on. And you often can't, because all sorts of other things are linked in, such as how the mother feels physically (is she in pain breastfeeding?) and how she feels emotionally (is she terrified the baby isn't thriving or depressed because she never sleeps properly).

So we resorted to the bottle to avoid starvation on day three - milk doesn't come in properly till atleast day 4.

I talk to so many women who breastfeed a bit, but ultimately struggle with it because they are afraid of their boobs being seen by strangers. Then there are a lot of women who have some kind of pain linked to breastfeeding, or just struggle with their confidence; they end up feeing more secure when the FF.

I wish there was more support that made women feel more confident about their first choice -- whatever that is.

Pacificdogwood speaks a lot of sense IMO. I am personally of the opinion than breast isn't "best" it's just the normal (and optimal!) food for babies. I don't personally see how that point can be disputed. However that doesn't take into account the complexity of the matter and the fact it is often better for mum (and thus by extension better for the baby on the whole) to FF. We had a very rough start to breastfeeding, but I persevered because I wanted to. If I hadn't wanted to then I would have stopped, which would have been fine too. Personally for my situation continuing was best for me and best for baby. Although it definitely tested me to the limit at times.

I think the major issue for me is that the NHS push breastfeeding so hard, but really often don't provide the support to back it up and give incredibly conflicting information on the best course of action when breastfeeding is not going well. They don't routinely check for simple issues that can cause serious breastfeeding problems (tongue tie being the most obvious). I felt very unsupported and that I my concerns about breastfeeding weren't listened to at all by medical staff, they were brushed to one side and I had to make do with platitudes like "you'll get the hang of it eventually". I also got told off (in front of a room full of other mums) by a specialist feeding midwife for giving formula top ups (which I was advised to do by the hospital where I gave birth and it was the only thing keeping me going at that point) and it made me feel like shit, so absolutely agree that formula shouldn't be demonised. But I do believe women who want to should be given adequate support to succeed at breastfeeding, wherever possible!

Totally disagree with that statement re in almost all circumstances breast is better. Are we talking long term? If so considering how the maj are ff and how it really makes little difference long term to the maj that is bollocks. In the short term if you make bottles up properly and like many,many women loathe breast feeding and have babies/mothers not thriving on it and miserable( pretty common)I fail to see how breast is better. It just isn't worth the angst. Very few babies have a Virgin gut. The maj of us end up with healthy teenagers/ adults.

And as for less than ideal. So what,hoards of parenting decisions are less than ideal. I let my 13 year old son order a burger and coke on Sat in the bistro we were eating in instead of one of the ideal options. His brother having done all his homework and a walk spent 2 hours on his PC this morning. Ideal would have been some sport or reading of a worthy book.My DC often make less than ideal choices. The world doesn't stop. Enough,enough,enough with this focus on breast feeding as the only parenting choice worth discussing.

I tried desperately hard to BF my son (19 years ago now so not recent) and felt like the worst mother in the world. Try as I may he simply wouldn't latch on for anything more than a couple of minutes. I had days where all I was doing was latching him on, him sucking for a few minutes, falling off, crying .... He was diagnosed with tongue tie before we left hospital and we were told it absolutely not interfere with BF ing. I managed 6 days and he lost a significant amount of weight before the HV insisted he be given a bottle. I managed to mix feed for about 3 months - him on his back and me dangling my breast in his face (lovely). At his appointment for tongue tie cauterization the paediatrician said - 'oh no you couldn't have breast fed with this'. I have been upset about it for years. Particularly when my baby developed asthma, eczema and allergies. He's nearly 20 and healthy so perhaps I should just let it go. I just remember the panic.

This is only one experience, but the help I had/was offered for breastfeeding was:

*breastfeeding workshops while pregnant (I didn't go to these but they were offered at the hospital, no pressure to attend - in fact I only learned about them when I was almost due to give birth)
*once I'd had my DC, midwives (and nursery nurses after my 2nd pregnancy) helped with bf and made sure latch was ok etc
*once home, the HV made sure I knew what I was doing and gave me a sheet with numbers on of people who could help including LLL and local networks/peer supporters
*she also told me about breastfeeding 'social' groups
*from word of mouth I learned about local LLL groups and other bf groups on Facebook which have been useful

I feel sad that people say they tried but had no support, my own bf experience has been supported but at no point did I feel any pressure to do it or feel like it was being forced on me. And that's how it should be.

Myrtle I agree.

Perhaps its because I've always striven for "good enough" parenting rather than "perfect" parenting I don't feel at all guilty that I combo fed my DS at first, then ebf for 8 months but DD was EFF . Different circumstances led to different choices.

I FF one and breastfed the other (until over the age of 2 ) and I've of the "feed your baby however the fuck you want to" camp.

Never experienced any negativity with other of my feeding choices.

I am still BF 9 mo dd, but at the start I found HV and midwives were pushing me to use formula, and told me to have it in the house 'just in case' and to supplement feeds to 'give me a break'. This attitude is as damaging as the pressure others feel to breastfeed and will cause women who do want to breastfeed to fail due to damaging their supply at the most crucial time. I'm glad I stuck it out during the difficult periods (dd was jaundiced and I had to hand express and syringe feed for two weeks as she was too sleepy to latch) and didn't give formula even when all the health professionals were trying to get me to give up! I am young though and bf rates among young women are even worse than in the more typical older mothers, so I imagine they thought I'd give up anyway. No one ever checked DDs latch or have any advice on feeding positions, my mum who bf my DB and I was invaluable and gave me her books of bf from the 90s which were also a great help. She had tongue tie that we only discovered on weaning as she broke it by shoving a spoon in her mouth over enthusiastically, she had been checked in hospital but clearly not thoroughly enough. Feeding became much easier after this and I imagine I am not the only one for whom tongue tie was missed. She was still able to feed despite it before it broke though and it is often given as a reason for stopping bf.

The fact is that breastfeeding rates in this country are the lowest in the developed world, so yes it does need to be encouraged, unfortunately the pressure and advice is there but the support isn't. People expect to be able to go back to living a 'normal' life again straight after giving birth and don't want to make the sacrifices, or can't due to having to return to work, in order to breastfeed successfully. Our culture is to blame in this regard as you need time to be able to establish bf properly. The vast majority of women would be able to breastfeed if given the proper support, the human race wouldn't have been so successful as a species if the majority of women were physically not able to breastfeed. People also don't feel able to say they just didn't want to do it because of the overwhelmingly positive facts we are given about breastfeeding, so they lie and say that it was a physical impossibility which gives others the impression that breastfeeding is something only a minority of people are able to do. It cannot be denied that in most cases breast is best, which is why people feel the guilt for giving up and feel the need to lie about the circumstances, it is hard in terms of having time to yourself when bf so I understand why women want to stop for their own mental wellbeing and this is the most important thing at the end of the day, an unhappy stressed breastfeeding mother isn't going to be a better parent than a happy formula feeding one. But people should be honest as to why they stopped rather than give the untrue impression it is biologically impossible for a majority of women.

People are ill informed of how breastfeeding works, I've even seen it on this thread that people are saying they 'had no milk' for the first few days so switched to formula, your milk comes in 5-7 days after birth, the colostrum isn't going to come out in vast quantities and the baby will be feeding constantly but that doesn't mean they aren't getting what they need. You may not be able to express and see the milk, but the baby will be getting what they need in 99% of cases. Same with cluster feeding, no one told me about it so it was a shock to the system, but once I realised it was normal and just a phase I powered through and now bf is such a doddle in comparison to sterilising etc.

I was a midwife for many years and now I am aware of the high prevalence of tongue tie but then it was absolutely not something we were taught about or to check for. I'm so sorry about that now because I'm certain many, many mothers have tried in vain and wept bitter tears over something that can be rectified in seconds.

A young woman I know recently had a baby early and has had some issues getting bf established. Because she was still in hospital she had it snipped and the baby has fed beautifully since.

Such a shame and all NHS trusts should be checking for and immediately treating TT. And of course there should be more support for all new mothers irrespective of their feèding choices.

I 'failed' at breastfeeding due to a huge blood loss giving birth to my son. My milk never came in and I would have been in too much of a bad state to feed him even if I had been able to. My health visitor came round on day 10, told me off for not breastfeeding, said I'd not tried hard enough (and had no idea of the circumstances) chucked a load of leaflets at me and told me to get on with it. I already felt horribly guilty for how the birth had gone and for not being able to breastfeed. Not my fault I know but hormones will do that to you. She made me feel 1000 times worse. My little boy is 4 weeks old, healthy and gaining weight. I am so angry at being made to feel sub par for formula feeding him.

FF my first and am still BF my second at well over a year with no intentions of stopping any time soon. I genuinely couldn't give a toss how people choose to feed their babies, but I have had much more negativity this time around while BF than I ever did when I FF.

What women are told by authorities about breastfeeding often depends on whether the government at the time wants women in the workplace, or not. (And I am afraid most of the "progress" of women in the workplace may be due to there being a demand for work rather than due to feminism)

Consequently, when in 2017, there aren't enough jobs for all men, women will be told that they cannot formula feed, ever.

Don't step into the trap of thinking that in 2017, everything will automatically better than years ago.

It is a fight that has to be fought constantly.

It may be so that milk doesn't come in until day four. but in a hot summer, when baby is dehydrating and has lost 10 of birthweight in three days and neither mum nor baby has slept since birth/delivery, would you take the chance?

10%... FFS... you get what I mean!

At least this story got coverage. It's been a dirty secret that no one in the NHS wanted to admit.
And this thread will go badly.

I hear you, OP. I don't believe there's anything wrong with 'breast is best' type messages, IF there's support out there for women who want to breastfeed. Most women do want to try, it's awful that it ends up being such a source of guilt for so many.

I BF my first child for two weeks, couldn't get any timely help face to face and when I phoned a helpline and told them I had topped up with formula in desperation they made me feel like I'd poisoned him and I was too embarrassed to get any help so I switched to formula and beat myself up about it every day for months. I felt judged and ashamed.

With my second child I was prepared and had good support in place, and am still breastfeeding at nine months and intend to continue as long as she wants. I've had people come up and congratulate me and even a round of applause for doing it, and never any negative comments. I have received the odd dirty look, but it doesn't hurt in the same way as it did when FF, because I know breastfeeding is good for my baby.

I would like breastfeeding to be the norm, but making people who use formula feel crap is not helpful.

Two hours on the pump produced blood.

Who the crap told you to do that? Pumping is often counter productive when establishing breastfeeding, it's time consuming, often painful, rarely achieves anything as you discovered. Pumps just don't trigger your hormones and milk production the way your baby does.

Was there an issue with the baby that you couldn't just have the baby on your breast instead?

I successfully bf but I got formula pushed on me constantly from the minute i gave birth. The m/w even gave formula for her first feed, without even asking if i wanted to try. Hcp rarely know much about bf ime, any issue is solved with formula.

I don't think ff is demonised at all. I do think ffeeders do feel pressured and guilty.

But how often do you see someone bf vs bottlefeeding in public, or on tv etc? Bottles in public are normal.

really, where I live, it is relatively rare to see a bottle-fed baby, and common to see women breastfeeding. Sufficiently so that people comment when I bottle feed the baby (I don't have an option, I'm not her biological mother).

FWIW DP had to pump when ours was tiny as 1) she'd had a complicated labour and c-section and there were limited positions she could hold the baby in, none of which really worked for the baby to latch well and 2) the baby was mostly tube fed. Obviously you can't tell what helped, but she swears that pump is what let her carry on trying to BF.

Claire sorry that HV was so crap and congratulations on your LO

It's not a new thing. My DM couldn't bf me in 1960 and she used to pretend to the hv that she was.

My 2nd (DS) wouldn't latch at all (prob due to a health issue) so after a week of pumping like a cow and getting minimal results, I moved to formula. He still took forever to have a bottle but at least he was being fed. I did feel really guilty, esp as I persevered with DD, but she was my first, I was more determined (and I did do top ups at first as my milk took forever to arrive) and once it did come in it was fine.

I bf for 3 weeks through expressing as my DD 15 was ill and in special care. My DD latched on for less than 5 minutes ONCE in this time. I begged for formula due to concerns that she would starve and was made to feel like a bad mother.

I was unable to continue to express as my milk supply diminished and made the decision to FF full time. There was zero support for me during this time and I still remember having my DD's consultant standing over me in special care watching me struggling to bf whilst I was reduced to tears, all the while telling me that bf was best for her.

We should al support one another in our decisions and be far less judgemental regardless if BF, FF or mixed feed.

I was a midwife for many years and now I am aware of the high prevalence of tongue tie but then it was absolutely not something we were taught about or to check for. I'm so sorry about that now because I'm certain many, many mothers have tried in vain and wept bitter tears over something that can be rectified in seconds.
Thanks MatildaTheCat
My boy was diagnosed in hospital with TT and I was still sent home desperate to BF despite being unable to establish BF in hospital in the time I was there. The awful empty sense of failure stays with you. It astounds me that some people just can't see that TT does prevent a successful latch in many cases. I'm not kidding myself or trying to justify anything. It really happened!