Sunday times article woman who fail at breastfeeding

[daffodil10]

I've just read this article aibu to be so sad that the situation discussed is still happening?

I can completely relate to the author, 14 years ago I was trying my hardest to bf and failed miserably. I had no support, only judgment and criticism. I can't believe that young mums are being given NHS booklets telling them that formula DESTROYS your babies gut when this is not true and only serves to prey on post natally depressed minds.

I was talking to a mum of a two week old baby last night, she was struggling to feed but was terrified of giving formula in case her friends, mil, hv, midwife found out. She couldn't handle the guilt. This is 2017, why is this behaviour by the breast feeding police still allowed????

I ff ds1, bf ds2 and a bit of both for number 3. I find it far less stressful to be able to say here dh feed him please and I can get on with something else. I can take a feed out with me, make feeds when visiting family. I take ds to baby group on a Wednesday and most babies there are ff

Perhaps if we treat new mothers and their babies as individuals then the dismissing of actual experience and feeding guilt will disappear.

It's important to stop judging people for feeding choices.

Not judging is, however, really different from arguing that ff is the same as bf. It just isn't. Formula is super and ensures healthy development etc, however there are lots of components in breastmilk that formula does not have (many of them we don't even know about or don't know exactly what they do). I hate talking about 'natural' and 'normal' but breastmilk just is.

Saying that ff is not the same or less 'natural' even less 'optimal' than bf does however not mean that it is a bad choice. Not all less than ideal choices we make for ourselves and our children are bad, they are just slightly less good. I make less than optimal choices for me and for my son all the time. That's ok. I don't beat myself up about this because sometimes life does not allow me to make the best choice. sometimes I put my need over what is best for my baby and choose to do something that is just good ( or dare I say ok?) for him, because sometimes I need to do that to keep my sanity or meet other commitments.

Yes, less stop judging women but let's also stop patronising them.

I had decided I wanted to FF my baby when I was pregnant (swayed by a sister who FF her baby) when I shared this with my midwife she had a face and then said "but you seem such an intelligent girl"!!! I was (It turns out I loved BFing and fed each of mine until they were two, but that's beside the point!)

I'll never forget the bitch midwife (who I'd only just met) telling me at a home visit "if you switch to formula I will be very disappointed in you" as though I were a child. I had bad baby blues at the time which turned into PPD and I could really have done without that. It also stopped me from telling her how I was feeling or letting her examine my stitches as it destroyed my trust.

My baby is a month old and is now formula fed.

I had a very traumatic birth and from day one, she wouldn't latch AT ALL. No amount of midwifes, nurses, lactation consultants and doctors could get her to latch on. I paid for private lactation experts and even they couldn't fix the issue. She doesnt have tongue tie so there is no medical reason for her not to latch.

The midwifes and HV pretty much told me I wasn't trying hard enough and if she wouldn't latch, I should pump at least eight times a day and bottle feed her the breast milk. Let me tell you, pumping eight times a day is HARD when you have to fit it around looking after a baby. However, I did as they said and managed to do it for nearly three weeks - however I developed mastitis twice and the second time became very ill with fever, sickness and had to go on antibiotics. Still, kept being told was trying and to keep at it and don't give in to formula feeding as "breast is best"

It was a lovely doctor who said to me, there is no shame in formula feeding. That I had tried my best to breast feed, it hadn't worked out and I was absolutely knackered, stressed and making myself ill by pushing myself to keep pumping.

My baby is new formula fed and thriving. I am no longer totally knackered trying to find time to pump eight times a day and I am less stressed!

I wish that in antenatal classes they spoke about formula feeding and didn't treat it like evil. I also wish they made it clear that breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone - they made it out to be so easy and simple and that all babies and mums could do it - that simply isn't the case and mums shouldn't feel like shit if it doesn't work for them or the babies!

I ended up FF DD as she wouldn't BF and I was too knackered after my labour and birth to persevere, and dont regret it. Initially I felt really defensive of my choice, but the midwives and health visitors were never anything other than supportive and reassured me that DD was thriving. The only judgement I got was from other mothers occasionally!

Very well said verybookish

I think we need to find the balance that promotes BF's benefits without making formula seem like toxic sludge.

I accept fully that my breastmilk, had I continued BF, would have been designed for and tailored to my baby's needs. Formula can never, ever do that.

But, the messages I heard from all of those around me - from friends at the time, from professionals, in my antenatal classes - was that FF was bad.

When I first decided I could no longer BF, I was heartbroken. I sobbed desperately. All on my ward heard me apologising to my beautiful DD for letting her down. I felt I'd ruined her life.

DH and I have always had weight struggles. I was told by so many people that FF babies are significantly more likely to become overweight and obese in the future, because of being fed formula. Friends were always talking about how BF babies have higher IQs and that formula feeding a baby will set them back in comparison to their peers.

And it wasn't just that these messages were sent out, it was the aggressive and offensive way in which they were sent out. It's bombardment from absolutely everywhere that you'd have to be a terrible person to set your child on a path to obesity and to a less successful future under the guise of being 'unable to breastfeed', because didn't you know that only the tiniest number of people genuinely can't breastfeed, and in most cases it's people giving up because they can't be bothered with the tough bit? Parents that feed their babies formula are too selfish and lazy, and would rather limit their child's lifespan and academic ability than put in a bit of effort. And breastfeeding won't hurt if you get the latch right, so if you're giving up because of pain then you're either doing it all wrong or you're just incredibly weak.

And I got all of that, from everyone around me. And it broke me. Until I fed DD her first feed, and it was such a relief.

And years down the right she is extremely fit and active for her age. Her physical skills are excellent in comparison to her peers. So are her academic skills. And I don't mean to brag when I say that, and I certainly don't think it makes her better than anyone else, but I do believe that if I'd have looked into the future I wouldn't have hated myself when, three days into motherhood, I had already let my daughter down and destroyed her life. If only I'd not been hit so hard by all of those messages from all areas, I could have had a more sensible and realistic understanding that no, I wasn't giving my baby a wonderfully tailored and personalised drink, and yes it would have been better if I could have done so happily, but being unable to continue BF did not make me a horrible mother or assign my DD to a miserable, unhealthy future.

I 'failed' with dd1 and was eventually diagnosed with lactation failure. I felt like shit and I had several horrific experiences in which other women were down right horrible to me because I wasn't breastfeeding. I successfully bf dd2 and after the initial 'I'm amazing, I'm feeding my baby and it's working' feeling subsided I realised that bf does not equal love. Bf provides baby with mums antibodies. It's free and, at night it saves you getting out of bed. Formula will no rush your baby and they will thrive. When they get to school age, no one will be able to tell which baby was bf and which was ff anyway. We fail women because the advice isn't realistic. Bf is made out to be as simple as whipping a boob out, baby feeds and you get skinny. The reality is that it's hard, exhausting, a learned skill and, for some, leads to prolactin induced weight gain that doesn't go away until you stop feeding.

I only managed a couple of months of mix feeding my DD, but I would admit that the preference would have been to ebf. I'm currently pregnant with dc2 and will give it another go this time. I fully intended to ebf last time too, (like everyone else in my NCT group, though not one out of seven of us managed to ebf for even a month or two, all gave formula at some point in the first few months), but a whole load of things happened; sick baby, sick me, both readmitted to hospital on separate wards and then my gp putting me on the combined pill, which seemed to stop all my supply. I'm pleased I tried though and, as I said, I'll definitely be trying again.

I think there are circumstances when ff is preferable for other people, but in my case bf would have been better, but just was not to be!

It's interesting that someone mentioned traumatic birth up thread as we had a traumatic birth too. I'd never connected it to bfing, but I think it did make us both sick, not that anyone noticed till we'd been home for nearly a week. Something to remember for next baby!

I feel so sorry for the poor women in the article and on this thread who have been made to feel like absolute crap for FFing by the health service - the very people who are supposed to be looking after new mothers!!

I'm not an HCP and I know very little about this but I'm very dubious about 'breast is best'. In the UK the advice is basically 'breast is best, and you're a terrible mother and human being if you don't breast feed'. In France, the advice is much closer to 'your breasts are your own to choose what to do with'. And... which country has better health outcomes? Substantially lower rates of childhood obesity? Lower rates of infant mortality? No prizes for guessing. So it seems to me that breast feeding can't be the magical, miraculous panacea for all round health that we're told it is, or we'd have much healthier children.

My DD is 19 weeks and is EBF. I am extremely fortunate that BF has been relatively easy for me.

I believe that the problem with the breast is best policy is the fact that there is very little support. I am convinced that the reason i was successful is that i am close to someone who is extremely knowledgeable and has had training to support people who are struggling with breastfeeding. I started the process with so much more information than i would have had without her. The NHS breastfeeding class was pretty poor with very little information. Breastfeeding cafes and groups like NCT need to be advertised more.

A relative of mine is expecting and is planning to bottle feed. We have discussed the different types of bottles that i have in house (11!) so she can decide what she would like. No judgement at all.

I think that breast is only best where both mother and baby are happy and thriving.

I've posted this before, but at the moment bf support in this country is often rather like taking someone who's never run in their lives and saying, 'As human beings are biologically adapted to distance running, we've entered you for the London Marathon. Here's a pair of trainers. Ready, steady, go!'

What is needed is for bf to feel normal. I bfed for 10 months and around where I live I never felt out of place, it's very normal here. But when I went home to where I grew up, I felt much less comfortable as it was a less visibly normal choice. That makes a difference! I remember walking around town trying in vain to find somewhere I felt happy to feed, and ending up walking home.

But also, to go back to the running analogy, we need training plans! Fair analysis and whizzy trainers! Lycra clothing and those horrible energy gels! We need, in fact, proper, honest support. Honest in the sense that at the moment I feel that on the one hand you have endless horror stories circulating online (bleeding nipples! Abscesses!) and on the other, the official line that it's all quite simple and never hurts. Actually, I suspect the truth for many women lies between the two extremes. For me, I had some pain at the initial latch for a while due to engorged boobs, but nothing more serious than the occasional blocked duct which always cleared in a day or so. And truly, it was more convenient for me than ff seems to be - no sterilising or carrying equipment around. But the truth is that the lack of respite balanced that out - I had no breaks from DS, not one, for months and months. I did every night feed, every waking. It was worthwhile but tough. Honesty is needed, so women can make informed decisions. At the moment, we are treated like children imo, with facts being withheld, and guilt trips and scolding when we don't comply. We are adults; treat us as such.

Nobody should feel a failure for not bf-ing, but we could do more to help those that want to bf achieve that goal.

Great post spudlet!

Pushing BF with such evangelical vigour is certainly not helping the mental health of many new mums. I'd love someone to point me to evidence that it has a significant impact looking at a large uk sample of full term babies only that it makes any difference whatsoever (apart from cost and hassle) that doesn't go down to some academic microscopic level that makes fuck all difference. Taking out any socio economic factors. Most of the info I have seen (who I'm looking at you) is heavily swayed towards 3rd word countries with no clean water, no storage and no regular supply of proper formula. My DS was FF as was I absolutely fine. But you can't see that as a new mum constantly having this shit pushed down your throats. Looking back I should have told the Hv to fuck theft know the fuck off!

I'm just amazed at all the people on here who couldn't breastfeed - I thought I was the only one ever. I was determined to breastfeed my twins but I just didn't produce any milk. No one would even admit that this was medically possible, but at the same time no one seemed interested in establishing a cause for this unheard of phenomenon. With hindsight and common sense I can see that a caesarean and resulting high blood loss and a mysterious hushed up infection that I picked up on the filthy hospital ward might have meant my body wasn't in top condition to produce milk.

And all this stuff about "you just need more help and support" is so counter productive. It's nice basicakky saying if you just would only try Harder it would work.

What should health providers do then?

UK breastfeeding rates are the lowest in the world and whether you want to believe it or not scientist are beginning to make the links between health issues in generations of babies who were fed formula in this country.

At the moment not enough support is giving to breastfeeding mothers but the consesus of this thread is breastfeeding should be promoted even less?

No one should be made to feel like a failure but health professionals needs to work in a world of facts and that means encouraging women to nurse. Clearly the mental well being of the mother is of the upmost importance but it has to be balanced with promoting the truth about formula.

Lefloch

The day I was admitted to hospital I was trying to pump milk. I was able to pump a good 70mls or so on the days leading up to it, but on the day I fell ill, no milk would come out at all. Later, a HCP (nurse / mw - can't remember) said it was my body shutting off functions which weren't essential, so milk was one of the first things to go. It was some sort of infection I had too.

Yes Lefloch so many can't breastfeed physically, but some twat always rolls out the only 3% of women can't, they just need more support. Up to joining mumsnet, I was always so suprisef I apparently knew every single one of that 3%. Then it transpires half of those actually breastfeeding were literally just getting the baby to latch in public but were "topping up" with hungry baby formula at home God the baby was failing to thrive!

decaff Shucks

I'll add something else - when I was struggling, the best support and most useful advice I got was right here on Mumsnet. And that's just wrong! I mean, I'm very grateful and pleased that I did and very respectful of the knowledge that some posters on here have, but I should have been able to get that level of support in person, from a HV or MW, not have had to have sought it out from an anonymous community of strangers.

But of course, that comes down to money... and there's not enough of that in the NHS right now. Berating women is cheap; supporting us costs money. Until we have an NHS that is properly funded (assuming we ever do) I don't expect things to change.

I wonder if anyone's ever worked out how big a factor bf issues are in PND, and how much that costs the NHS? It's the only language many of our politicians (yes, I mean YOU Jeremy Hunt) speak.

I had dreams of idyllic BF bonding and it didn't happen. My DS is a sturdy 17 now and I am post-meno, so water under the bridge but it was traumatic then. I felt a failure. All advice on latching failed, and there was quite a bit. And it was an entirely straightforward delivery after a relatively short labour. I assumed it would happen, it didn't.

Unfortunately the reality is the mantra: breast is best. As long as the mantra remains women will feel as if they failed.

DS had a tongue tie which wasn't resolved until 8 weeks, despite being recognised at birth. The emphasis of failure was put on me 'we haven't seen you breast feed', 'your milk' hasn't come through'. It was horrible. I didn't want to fail and I didn't want to give my baby formula because then I had really had failed. I don't know what I will do next time.

But breast is nutrionally best, its literally designed for babies. Are health professionals supposed to lie about this?

I had a very traumatic birth, resulted in an emcs and baby was born with and treated for sepsis. I'm also a sexual abuse survivor. I tried to breastfeed. I tried so hard... I got to day 4, my nipples were bleeding, it hurt so much, I was incredibly depressed (still in hospital at this point) and found the sensation of having my breast exposed and sucked on much too triggering. I ended up breaking down on the NICU doctor saying that I couldn't do it anymore. She went and got him a bottle and had one of the midwives show me how to make a formula feed. And talk me through how to dry up my milk supply.

I absolutely felt like I'd failed. I do remember panicking about how he was drinking blood and that that can't be good for him either.
That baby is 4 now, I don't regret anything. And I know if I ever had another baby I wouldn't bf at all. I would ff straight away.

I have no issue with promoting breastfeeding and highlighting the positives of bf, but not to the extent it is currently done where people are declaring that ff is poison and bf is liquid gold and mothers who ff have somehow failed. The vitriol towards ff mothers is disgusting. Making a woman feel bad for her choices isn't going to sway her to your side, it's just gonna make her feel shit. If people want women to bf they need to be realistic that it's not always achievable and be honest. It's painful sometimes, it's tough going sometimes. It's sure as shit not the walk in the park I was led to believe it was by literally every Hcp I encountered whilst I was pregnant