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To keep using reins even though DH is against it

297 replies

Suntrapped · 25/06/2017 12:55

For background I'm a SAHM.

DD seems more excitable/hyperactive than other toddlers her age. Eg she always runs instead of walking and runs off. In parks she is the one racing round the perimeter or trying to climb over the fence, while my friends' toddlers potter happily nearby.

I use reins as I'm terrified she'll run into the road or out of sight. She doesn't come back when called. Only time she's off reins is the park, at child-friendly places like farms or if DH and I are both with her. Recently he insisted we start letting her off reins so she gets used to it. Yet she won't hold hands for long. She ran off in the street (pedestrian zone luckily) and tripped up a lady before DH could catch her (not the first time she's tripped people up as she darts in front of their feet.

DH thinks it's bad for her self esteem and development to be on reins 'like a dog' and she needs to learn to behave without them. He thinks she's too old for them.

What do you think? Please be honest

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 25/06/2017 13:53

How much of the childcare does your DH do? You can suggest he do some more.

Fathers are often the more "fun" parent, because they don't have to deal with the everyday problems.

If you don't have to deal with the overexcited toddler on a daily basis, it is easy to prioritize her self-esteem over practicality.

I'm from Germany, and no one here uses reins. Toddlers aren't frequently run over by cars. (Would be interesting to see statistics on this) I suppose parents have developed other tactics, like holding the hands of their children in a way that doesn't let the child escape. (Or do you really mean she just doesn't want to hold hands? Pretty sure German parents just don't let the child decide ...)

MrsOverTheRoad · 25/06/2017 13:53

Better reigned than crushed under a bus.

Nanny0gg · 25/06/2017 13:53

You can loop reins over your arm and hold their hands so they get used to it but you still have control if they pull away.

DH thinks it's bad for her self esteem and development to be on reins 'like a dog' and she needs to learn to behave without them. He thinks she's too old for them.

I don't think many of us born in the 50s, where reins were always used have either arrested development or poor self esteem. Nor do we beg for food or poo in the street.

Why does he want her to injure herself or others whilst she's 'learning to behave'?

He's an idiot.

redshoeblueshoe · 25/06/2017 13:54

limestrawberry - that maybe because most people have those little backpack ones now, so you can hardly tell they are reins.
I really do not get the dog comparisons, but I totally agree with matilda, if your toddler didn't like the car seat you wouldn't stop using it.

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 25/06/2017 13:55

She understands what I say eg 'wait' 'don't climb that' but does it anyway or runs off or has a tantrum. It's like she sees a puddle or a cat and just runs to it without looking around her or stopping to think

Sounds just like my dog tbh Grin

Keeping your child safe is the most important thing in my opinion.

Nanny0gg · 25/06/2017 13:56

I suppose parents have developed other tactics, like holding the hands of their children in a way that doesn't let the child escape.

Really? And doesn't involve the child pulling hard, playing tug-of-war or throwing themselves on the ground, screaming? (and hurting themselves)

Please share this magic technique.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 25/06/2017 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toysaurus · 25/06/2017 14:00

Yesterday I saw a man shouting at a child about to run onto a main road -4 lanes of traffic at speed type road. He was dicking about with his bike. He was shouting at the child saying I told you to stand there and not run off. The child was about 18 months old and had no idea what was going on. I thought he was a wanker.

My child was on reins until he was five. Didn't realise he had ASD until much later. He would have carried on running until he was a dot in the distance or under a car. I didn't give a shit what people thought of me. My responsibility was to keep my child safe.

PoorYorick · 25/06/2017 14:00

I don't like reins, but I like the idea of my toddler being splatted in the road much less.

toomuchtooold · 25/06/2017 14:00

I had twins and couldn't use twins due to the whole thing of them wanting to walk in different directions and so, until they were 3 and a bit, they were strapped into the buggy for any trip out of the house when I was alone with them. They're 5 now and perfectly capable of walking alongside me. There is plenty of time to learn that stuff.

When mine were 2 I would sometimes try them out of the buggy to see if things had improved. DT2 would bolt immediately, DT1 tried to stay with me (but the sight of her sister disappearing into the delightful depths of Sainsbury's was often too much of a temptation to her) but at that age she was just sticking with me because she wanted to please me, not because she knew why it was important.

My philosophy with all this stuff is to try it, and if it's too hard, wait a couple of months and try again. Everything gets easier as they get older.

RoseVase2010 · 25/06/2017 14:02

My son is a sprinter so we use reins, it's a safety thing, I'd much rather be able to (literally) rein him back away from danger than risk an accident, also it would be impossible to pay for anything in shops without them!

The good news is that he's slowly getting better, doesn't feel emasculated AND he will sit for a treat 😎

TidyDancer · 25/06/2017 14:02

You DH is a fool and this is not something that should be up for debate. It is absolutely moronic to object to reins on the basis that they made a child look like a dog or they are bad for their self esteem. What an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

RoseVase2010 · 25/06/2017 14:03

Also, they have no impulse control! Repeat that as a mantra and raising a toddler gets easier!

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 25/06/2017 14:03

Can anyone recommend good toddler reins? We're going to be buying some soon and want some that are secure/safe/not too ugly.

eurochick · 25/06/2017 14:04

I'm a fan of reins. Unfortunately my daughter just used them to "fly" (as soon as we put them on she would fall over so we would end up sort of carrying her with them). We never got past that phase so used to end up carrying her anywhere dangerous.

LilQueenie · 25/06/2017 14:05

yanbu we still used reins at 3.

DailyFailAreCunts · 25/06/2017 14:06

I also always think of MrsPresley on these threads.

I have twins and used backpack reins until they were 3 then switched to wrist strap reins and finally stopped using them at 4.5.

Do not take chances with your childs life!

Your DH is being an idiot.

MissMarpleSparkles · 25/06/2017 14:06

theSea we used one of these backpacks.


DS loved them because he thought he was such a big boy packing his backpack with his teddies and drink. We had full control.

MrsOverTheRoad · 25/06/2017 14:07

DailyFail who is MrsPresley?

MissMarpleSparkles · 25/06/2017 14:07

(first recommended to us on MN too- some years ago!!).

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 25/06/2017 14:08

Thanks MissMarple

Are they secure? No chance of the rein deattaching or the backpack coming off?

lalalalyra · 25/06/2017 14:08

Also if your husband feels that holding hands is better than reins ask him to walk the distance to the shop/park/wherever with his hand above his head and see how uncomfortable it is... There is a reason that kids don't always like holding hands, and sometimes it's not that they are itching to run off - holding your hand above your head for any length of time is bloody uncomfortable.

Would he feel better with one of the backpacks with the strap?

lalalalyra · 25/06/2017 14:10

The littlelife ones are really secure. I use them with my bolter 3yo (I switch between a couple and a set of reins so that she takes longer to manage the clips!)

DailyFailAreCunts · 25/06/2017 14:11
MrsOverTheRoad · 25/06/2017 14:11

I always think of my mate...she's very progressive and as her son grew, she'd let him walk...so a trip to the shop would take half an hour (usually 5 minutes)

She let him walk on the roadside of the path...from 2 years old..NOT holding his hand.

I used to hover about him like a mad bee trying to protect him...and I'm not overly careful...but this was a TWO year old by a busy road.

I used to say "Shouldn't you hold his hand??"

He SEEMED sensible but he was two!

One day, he saw a boy from preschool on the other side of the road and darted into traffic...an elderly woman ran and grabbed his hood...pulled him back whilst my mate by her own admission froze.

He was fine...elderly lady was ANGRY! Don't blame her either.

My friend held his hand from then on.

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