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To keep using reins even though DH is against it

297 replies

Suntrapped · 25/06/2017 12:55

For background I'm a SAHM.

DD seems more excitable/hyperactive than other toddlers her age. Eg she always runs instead of walking and runs off. In parks she is the one racing round the perimeter or trying to climb over the fence, while my friends' toddlers potter happily nearby.

I use reins as I'm terrified she'll run into the road or out of sight. She doesn't come back when called. Only time she's off reins is the park, at child-friendly places like farms or if DH and I are both with her. Recently he insisted we start letting her off reins so she gets used to it. Yet she won't hold hands for long. She ran off in the street (pedestrian zone luckily) and tripped up a lady before DH could catch her (not the first time she's tripped people up as she darts in front of their feet.

DH thinks it's bad for her self esteem and development to be on reins 'like a dog' and she needs to learn to behave without them. He thinks she's too old for them.

What do you think? Please be honest

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 25/06/2017 12:56

YANBU. Your husband is an idiot.

Bluntness100 · 25/06/2017 12:58

I also think she needs to learn, as as soon as she's released she's running off. I also don't like them. So on this I'm with your husband.

Spudlet · 25/06/2017 13:00

YANBU. But I would start trying to make them my backup plan rather than first line of defence. So work on hand holding but with the reins on in case she wrestles her hand away and tries to run, IYSWIM. So you are helping her to take a bit of that responsibility for herself (depends how old she is of course, as toddler can cover a wide age range).

I use reins for that same reason, as a backup in case DS (18 months) makes a break for freedom! He is a slippery little sucker sometimes and well versed in the ways of the boneless toddler flop already. But he is slowly learning about hand holding etc.

endofthelinefinally · 25/06/2017 13:01

There is a poster on here whose husband didnt put reins on their child. Child was killed by a car. Marriage didnt survive.
I always think of her when I see these threads.
I used reins appropriately for all my dc.

AChickenCalledKorma · 25/06/2017 13:01

If she's actually a danger - to herself or others- that takes precedence over self esteem imo.

But use them as back up while you are teaching her to hold your hand and not run off. Don't use them like a dog lead. Then hopefully she will learn to be safe and you can stop using them.

LiveLongAndProspero · 25/06/2017 13:02

How will getting hit by a car help her development and self esteem? Or getting lost, or hurt, or hurt someone else?

Safety above self esteem.

PickAChew · 25/06/2017 13:04

If dogs are worthy of keeping safe, so are small impulsive humans.

Your dh is being a Muppet.

Helloitsme88 · 25/06/2017 13:04

I actually hate seeing people again reins. ITS FOR SAFETY. Nothing else. She will learn when she's old enough. I just don't understand why people are so against them. And until you have a child who does run off, it's easy to say teach them. Harder actually doing it.

MoominFlaps · 25/06/2017 13:04

I genuinely don't understand why people get so het up about rains. How many adults do you see walking down the street on a leash or running into traffic because their parents used reins on them as a child?


MoominFlaps · 25/06/2017 13:04

Argh ffs, REINS, not rains.

diplodocus · 25/06/2017 13:08

It depends on her age to some extent - is she of an age when you can start reasoning with her? I really don't see why people have problems with reins. I used them when needed, and think they are far more comfortable for a child than holding hands - I would imagine holding hands with an adult is really uncomfortable when you're very small and your arm needs to be pretty much vertical. Also when they're really tiny it's much safer when the fall - if you're holding their hand the tend to twist and take a lot of weight through their shoulder, which I hate to see as some children's shoulders subluxate very easily.

FastAbsorbingCake · 25/06/2017 13:10

I was about to post what endoftheline said.

Birdsgottaf1y · 25/06/2017 13:10

So he is prepared to risk her life, rather than use something that will keep her safe?

""I also think she needs to learn, as as soon as she's released she's running off.""

You wait until the toddler has more awareness. You don't see adults on reigns which suggests that we do eventually get safety awareness. For the sake of other less mobile people, she shouldn't be running about.

There would be many children still alive today if their Parents used reigns. Thank goodness that those girls that abducted the toddler from Primark were not sexual abusers. Likewise James Bulger would be here. That is without the many who are knocked over.

If she does go on to have an accident, it would probably end your relationship.

That is a lot to put at stake because your DH doesn't like reigns.

Btw, we put dogs on leads because we are responsible for their safety and we love our dogs.

witsender · 25/06/2017 13:13

He doesn't have to use them does he. But while you are in charge, you can do what seems sensible to you.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 25/06/2017 13:15

Reins are very sensible. How old is she?

Suntrapped · 25/06/2017 13:15

She's almost 2

She understands what I say eg 'wait' 'don't climb that' but does it anyway or runs off or has a tantrum. It's like she sees a puddle or a cat and just runs to it without looking around her or stopping to think.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 25/06/2017 13:16

Children do not develop adequate judgement of speed and distance until 7. Toddlers can never be assumed to be reliable in terms of stopping immediately when told etc. There are too many distractions around.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 25/06/2017 13:16

I think they are essential at that age. Your DH is being stupid. Some kids do bolt more than others too.

Suntrapped · 25/06/2017 13:17

None of our friends use reins but their toddlers seem calmer and more aware of danger. DD just seems to be bubbling over with excitement all the time and is very strong willed.

OP posts:
limestrawberry · 25/06/2017 13:18

I'm not mad keen on them, I must admit.

Sometimes they are the most sensible choice but I don't think they always are.

endofthelinefinally · 25/06/2017 13:19

She is normal op.
Personally I think your dh has unrealistic expectations. Something that is implicated in childhood accidents, fatalities and abuse. Not suggedting abuse is relevant here.

MatildaTheCat · 25/06/2017 13:19

She's a baby and as such is unable to predict the future. So she's unlikely to foresee that running into the road may cause her to be run over and even less likely to foresee that she may cause someone else to get hurt.

You are her primary carer and get to decide. Many people keep their toddlers strapped into buggies whereas you are letting her explore and keeping her safe.

You are right.

ChocChocPorridge · 25/06/2017 13:22

YANBU OP. DS1 needed reins. He couldn't be trusted to stay put or be sensible or look where he was going, and he flat refused to hold hands.

We slowly got him holding hands, by chanting out about holding hands when crossing the road, but still kept the reins until he was much older and calmer (no more sensible.. still head in the clouds at 7, but at least he'll hold hands if I insist now, because he's old enough to reason with) -

I wouldn't actually say it was something we taught him/he had to learn though - more that he had to mature into being able to do..

Reins have done nothing to his self-esteem, he didn't care, stood happily enough to have them buckled on when we went out no problem, because he preferred the reins to being expected to hold hands.

They're little bundles of un-reason, you have to keep them safe until their brains catch up with their legs!

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 25/06/2017 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnathemaPulsifer · 25/06/2017 13:23

I think they need to use reins unless they'll happily hold hands or until they learn to definitely stop when told (the stop/go game helps a lot with this - in a safe place let them run a few steps ahead then call STOP. They stop and then you say GO - rinse and repeat. Amazing how much mine loved it).

Toddler backpacks can be a good option - they have reins to attach but in most circumstances you can just grab the handle on the top. They clip across the front like a harness, but much lower key. Mine loved ours, and my nieces after them.

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