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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have corrected this child when his mother didn't.

186 replies

Designerenvy · 25/06/2017 08:49

Background, we were at birthday party for a 6 year old. There were anout 16 kids at it ... 4 mum's present to supervise.

One boy was rude all day and just causing havoc.
He was upsetting all the kids , calling them names and using really bad language. The mum was there and just laughed everything off, didn't once correct him.
I ignored him and his mum as much as I could until he pushed another boy off a trampoline and the other boy was screaming in pain. Tg no damage done...no head injury or broken bones....but I'd say a good bit of bruising.
At which stage I brought the boy back to his mum and asked her to deal with him as he had injured other child ( who's mum wasn't there). She just laughed it off at which stage I explained to her ds how dangerous it was and that the other boy could have been very badly hurt. cos she wasnt about to explain it to him!
I asked him to apologise and he downright refused.
I went back to injured boy and the mum said the injured boy had started the argument at which point I said that her ds still shouldn't have done what he did. The mum said it was none of my business but I felt there was no one there to stick up for the injured boy as his mum was not present.
Did I overstep the mark ?
By the way I know for a fact this boy has no special needs etc as I know the background well.... if he did, I would of course have handled it differently. I was more annoyed with the mum than the boy tbh!

OP posts:
LucieLucie · 25/06/2017 20:49

Don't twist things Shell - I was relaying what a pp said about the poor parenting at swimming who tried to pass off their ignorance of the older boy hurting the toddler at swimming as 'Autism'

I also said in my previous post that people jumping on the 'oh the boy had bad behaviour at the party so therefore must be autistic' was wrong and offensive as autism shouldn't mean badly behaved.

Whether or not their child had autism, it is not appropriate to mention it then as the danger in his behaviour was not due to that, it was due to their failure to parent him.

Therefor the term of speech 'pulling a card' for a free pass when confronted.

Shellsandstones1 · 25/06/2017 20:52

who tried to pass off their ignorance of the older boy hurting the toddler at swimming as 'Autism'

Where is the "tried to pass off"? He either has autism or he doesn't.

LucieLucie · 25/06/2017 20:55

So in what way does him having autism allow him to be 7/8 years old and push toddlers out of the way and half drown one at the bottom of a slide while the parents chatted??

Shellsandstones1 · 25/06/2017 20:56

I was at a soft play centre. Something happened and my child scratched another child. His dad came over to speak to me about it and neither of us had seen what had happened but his child was marked. I was horrified. But at that point there was nothing I could do. His gran was there too, and I quietly explained, away from my child, that he has autism and can't always react predictably, and that I was terribly sorry the child was hurt. The granny, god love her, got the situation straight away and whisked everyone off. She said she worked with SN kids, and knew what it was like. THAT is the correct response, not laying into the parent at the pool.

Shellsandstones1 · 25/06/2017 20:58

Lucie, having autism doesn't allow a child to push in and disregard other people. But it can be part of the condition. So unless his mother has him tied to her 24/7, there's only so much you can predict.

What did you actually think autism was? Genuine question.

LucieLucie · 25/06/2017 21:00

She went back up again, and as soon as she launched herself off, this boy (aged maybe 7 or 8) went down straight after her, and landed on top of her at the bottom. I had watched this boy push other kids out of the way all morning, climb over them etc. His parents just stood and chatted and laughed together.

This poster didn't 'lay into the parents' though?

She informed them that their child had just gone down the slide on top of her toddler and that they should be watching him??
Which shouldn't ever need to be said.
They were wrong in excusing their lack of supervision on him having autism

LucieLucie · 25/06/2017 21:04

My dn has autism so don't try and belittle me.

He would not be allowed to run riot in a toddler section of a swimming pool

If he did push other children out the way more than once and for a prolonged time he would be taken out and the activity would end

When he goes anywhere like swimming he is closely supervised like all children should be and his parents wouldn't be standing around chatting

If he hurts someone then his parents apologise.

Spikeyball · 25/06/2017 21:07

No one has said the child in the op must have had autism or sn. I think every poster with a child with asd agreed with op. Yet some one has to make comments about "autism card".

Shellsandstones1 · 25/06/2017 21:12

You have a niece or nephew with autism lucie?

Do you think the mother should have followed him up the stairs? Or psychically predicted he was going to push in? How?

zzzzz · 25/06/2017 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Talkingfrog · 25/06/2017 21:55

I may be wrong but think Lucie might be meaning that if the parents were paying attention, as any parent should try to (not always possible all of the time), they could have stopped the child being in the area intended for much younger children and then it would not have happened. I don't have a child with SN but would assume that would be reason to watch them more carefully in a pool.

I have told other children off a soft play numerous times. You can have eyes on them all the time but if their child is going to hurt or hurts my child and I see it then I feel it is my place to stop them.

My daughter was about 12m and so I was sat with her in the under 4 area of the soft play. A child of about 12 decided to stand in there and throw plastic balls from the ball pit across the cafe trying to hit his friend. I hadn't noticed he was that close as i had my back to him. As he stepped back to throw he trod on me. I told him in no uncertain terms to leave (which he did) because if I had been in a slightly different position or my daughter had crawled he could have trodden on her instead and done serious harm.

zzzzz · 25/06/2017 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 25/06/2017 22:34

Not a fan of 'the autism card' as a phrase but I have also witnessed parents completely ignore their child for prolonged periods then when told that they were hurting other children just saying that they've got autism/ADHD etc. That may be the reason they are behaving the way they are but it's not the reason that the parent has been staring at their phone for half an hour doing fuck all about it! Kids with sn can have great parents or shit parents like any kids.

SoreFeet1983 · 25/06/2017 22:47

No zzzz I'm making it up Hmm

zzzzz · 25/06/2017 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdCottage · 25/06/2017 23:45

It takes a village as they say.

I'd have done the same.

drinkingtea · 26/06/2017 07:42

The indoor pool we go to has an under 6s paddling pool with tiny slide. It's not a shallow or learner pool, it really is tiny - about 3 meters across and about 20cm deep. It's labelled for under 6s only very clearly. I've never seen a child over about 4 I it but have seen a couple all over each other in there once, which did mildly piss me off!

user1495025590 · 26/06/2017 08:01

If this had been a publuc event - fair enough, but this was a party you were a guest at. It is not really your place to tell off other guests and their parents!

YellowLawn · 26/06/2017 08:09

if a child is behaving badly, possibly injuring other people, and the parent does not parent of course I tell the child off. someone has to do it.

Spikeyball · 26/06/2017 08:17

User if a child is behaving in a dangerous or bullying way, it is perfectly reasonable to tell them not to.
Once when ds was at a party, another child started throwing things at him and calling him a baby (ds is severely disabled). The parent was nowhere in sight so of course I told the child to pack it in.

FinallyThroughTheRoof · 26/06/2017 08:22

YaNBU

Not getting into the SN thing as its pointless here and just ends in bunfight always.

"Autism card" is offensive though..plus yes you cant know kids dont have SN plus not all kids with sN "can learn to behave amd say sorry"..parents of kids with high functioning autism are worst for saying this, please stop propagating this myth.

user1495025590 · 26/06/2017 08:24

Yes of course you can tell him not to. But not force apologies or have a go at the parents. Or you can tell the host and have them deal with their guests

HappyFlappy · 26/06/2017 09:23

He's three times the size of the other kids in this toddler pool. It doesn't give him a free pass to be knocking them all over the shop.

THIS ^

Times a million!

A child cannot help being autistic, but s/he can be taught how to behave towards others, even if s/he doesn't understand why s/he can't just push/take/demand etc whatever. And the parents do their child no good by enabling bad behaviour. Every child, autistic or not, needs to be taught how to consider the feelings and safety of others.

There are plenty of autistic children who behave in a socially appropriate manner. Autism doesn't mean awful! It does mean that parents have to work harder at helping their children cope with the world.

HappyFlappy · 26/06/2017 09:27

I too find "autism card" really offensive

My DD has autism, and I don't find the comment offensive at all. I do find undisciplined children offensive hough.

HappyFlappy · 26/06/2017 09:30

I'd have been mortified if my child had done this but I think I'd have reacted in a similar way rather than give you chapter and verse on his medical history

I would have apologised for not keeping a close eye on my child, and would then have explained to him why he should not go down the "baby" slide. What if the next 3 year old he slides into ends up with a fractured skull or a broken arm?

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