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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is my neighbour a wanker?

358 replies

squirreltrap · 24/06/2017 23:26

I hate not getting on with my neighbours...I like to have them there as support but I've got an ishoo with my newish neighbour and AIBU?

So, there have been a few things...shouting at the kids for being noisy, and when I say shouting I mean shouting and always when I'm not there. I'm a SP if that makes any difference. He does this when I'm not there.

DS15 had some friends over a few weeks ago and they were in the garden and I saw him come up over the wall with a face of rage and he threw a can at them telling them to "shut the fuck up". I had warned him that the gathering was happening but they would be finished by 11 because I know he's noise sensitive. And I moved them inside (9.30) and he must have heard me do this so came knocking saying very nicely "don't move them because of me...don't want to ruin the party". But I'd seen him pop over the wall incandescent with rage so it didn't quite add up

Then today, DS12 went into his garden via a gap in the fence to get his football and found TWO BIN BAGS of footballs that were all ours.
The wall I talk about is something he built as soon as he moved in and had previously complained about DS12 kicking the ball against it and we took it and never did it since.

AIBU thinking what sort of wanker bags up footballs rather than just throw them back?
We live in a semi, you just have to deal with neighbours? It may sound like we are nightmares but the reality is the ds's play football in the garden once a week max, and that's discounting winter and rain, the ball goes over maybe once a month and so he's been storing these for over a year.

OP posts:

NeitherKilnerNorMason · 25/06/2017 05:43

So YABU and very much so

Lovestonap · 25/06/2017 06:00

I appear to be in a minority but I don't think the OP is unreasonable here.
My son is.always (accidentally) kicking his footballs into the neighbours' garden.

The neighbour has a young baby? Maybe he's just stressed and tired as hell and that's making him act weird?

I don't know what the answer is, but I don't think the OP deserves the criticism levelled at her here.

NeitherKilnerNorMason · 25/06/2017 06:03

Lovestonap,sorry but if your neighbours have to return balls back to you every evening that have been thrown by your son into their garden, that's intrusive!!

mathanxiety · 25/06/2017 06:15

I agree with RickOShay that the responses here have been awful.

Your neighbour is a wanker.

Kids have the right to kick a ball in a garden, ffs. How many footballs would fit in two big bin bags? A dozen each? In 2.5 years? That is a ball every 4-5 weeks or more.

mathanxiety · 25/06/2017 06:21

x-post with several people about number of balls per bag, etc.

swingofthings · 25/06/2017 06:30

You could be talking about my OH! He's not, but our neighbours have 3 kids who are driving us insane. They treat their garden like the local park and think nothing wrong of screaming, shouting, fighting, kicking balls every single time they are in the garden.

We have children ourselves, but we clearly have very different principles. I consider that it is our duty to insure we don't disturb our neighbour rather than expect them to tolerate bad behaviour.

We've been so stressed with it that we have had time shouted at them to shut up, something I would never normally do. When this make no difference, we are left having to go back inside and closed the windows and doors to be free of noise pollution. It's got to the point where we are now looking at moving even though we love the house.

I really fail to understand why people like them and it would seem you, think that you have a right to be annoying and disturbing and that others should deal with it. How would you feel if your neighbour was in his garden cutting the grass every Sunday at 6am, which he could justify is normal activity that he does at a time that suits him.

swingofthings · 25/06/2017 06:32

I don't allow him to go and knock each time as I consider that intrusive, he has to wait until it is convenient for them to boot them back. Which they do very good naturedly every evening.
Keeping your son's footballs is weird.
I expect the issue is not so much the ball going over, unless it hits the nice flower beds each time, but that playing football is associated with playing noisily, so he always have hope that without the ball, he might get some peace and quiet until a new ball appears.

WonderLime · 25/06/2017 06:33

OP, you mention that the NDN shouts at the kids when you not there but they are not at all noisy. And your drip feed is that he has a young baby.

On the balance of probability, which is more likely - NDN deliberately waits by the window until you leave the house so he can shout at your DC or your 12 and 15 DSs are in fact very noisy when you are not around? Considering this is a DS who was hosting a garden party, I'm guessing he's not the introverted, quiet type...

Out of interest, the can the NDN threw into your garden - I don't suppose it actually came from your DS's party initially did it? Or did the NDN go and find a can from his house/bin to throw at your DS just because he felt like it? Because I could imagine the NDN being pretty pissed off if your DS was having a loud party in the garden with litter ending up in his garden.

GahBuggerit · 25/06/2017 06:34

No suggestions for op to call the police for the man being violent towards children then? Police only required for someone looking in bin bags?

Op, if you haven't left the thread wondering wtf is happening I think you sound fine, you made them aware of the get together so straightaway you're clearly not some sort of ASBO neighbour and the kids just sound like kids. Really don't get some of the responses on here and the neighbour sounds unhinged frankly with his mood swings

LynetteScavo · 25/06/2017 06:37

YANBU

Kids play balls in their garden. It's what they do. Sometimes the ball goes over the fence. Normal neighbours throw them back.

This neighbour sounds like a wanker to me.

MaisyPops · 25/06/2017 06:55

All of the unreasonableness depends on frequency.

When I was a kid we used to hop the fence to get balls back or go round the side gate but our NDN were happy that one respectful child getting a ball was par for the course of living in a family area. We didn't make loads of noise and we're brought in by mid evening.

If OPs NDN has a new baby and is having loud teenage noise, regular football, balls in his garden, then the kids have let themselves in his garden then I can see why his frustration levels are high.

I don't think throwing a can at them was right, bit equally there is a difference between people sitting out in the garden and having a few drinks and a rowdy group of teenage lads.

NellieBuff · 25/06/2017 07:23

OP: I was sort of agreeing with you until you told us how your DC found the bin bags of balls. Do you not realise how wrong that is? Are you not teaching your DC that they must ask permission before going onto someone else's property and why on earth do you think it acceptable that they can just rummage through another person's belongings.

And you DC kicked over two full bin bags of balls and you do not think that is unreasonable. Perhaps you and your neighbour deserve each other but I would start to question what you are teaching your DC about respect for other people's property bearing in mind two wrongs do not make a right.

OnTheRise · 25/06/2017 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnTheRise · 25/06/2017 07:44

Him shouting like that and throwing things at them is not just inappropriate, it's dangerous and intimidating and awful. And his then saying "don't move them because of me" is gaslighting and strange. I'd be very wary of him.

The bin-bags full of footballs is odd too. If he's said your children can collect them, it's possible he meant they should knock on the door and ask for them back rather than barge into his garden and collect them for themselves; and I wonder if your kids knew he was hoarding the balls, and wondered where they'd gone to, so went looking for them. My children would have known exactly how many balls had gone over that wall and not been returned. So this does seem like a bigger grievance than you're suggesting, OP.

However, I don't understand why so many people here are being so negative towards you. Children are children, and make noise. Footballs go over walls, no matter how careful you are. A bit of a chat should sort this out: tell him you thought he meant it was ok for your children to retrieve their balls themselves, but you're wondering if he'd prefer for them to knock and offer for this to be just once a day or once a week, so he's not disturbed too much.

And the next time you hear him yelling like that, tell him it's not appropriate. Because it's awful, it really is.

fessmess · 25/06/2017 07:45

I don't understand why the op is being attacked! Balls go over fences. My neighbours' kids do it all the time. I throw it back. He sounds unstable to be honest and a nightmare. There are some nutters about.

MaisyPops · 25/06/2017 07:48

I wouldn't say the neighbour is gaslighting at all.
He hasn't said they have to be indoors. He just would like a reasonable noise level from them as the evening goes on. I'd take the comment as a 'I'm not telling you to take them in. So don't try to blame me' comment. It seems convenient for the OP to bring in loud teenagers and blame it on the mean neighbour than it is for her to be out there telling them to self regulate their noise.

The OP had to bring them in because they were seemingly incapable of understanding what a reasonable noise on an evening is.

VintagePerfumista · 25/06/2017 07:58

I think WonderLime has it in one.

Even the idea that a 12 yr old and a 15 yr old are being leaped upon by Nasty Shouting Man for being noisy (when they aren't) the moment their mum leaves the 'hood is laughable.

Factor in balls going over the fence, a party (which even if moved indoors I presume wasn't a silent disco complete with headphones for all participants?) and the neighbour having a new baby and I think this is just like hearing the other side of all the MN threads we've been subject to the last few weeks.

There's a thread going where the OP is being told she's not U to ask her neighbours not to use their front door "so loudly" (are they supposed to use a portkey to get to work? Floo powder? Levitate out of the windows?) because she has a young baby.

BSJohnson · 25/06/2017 08:17

What kind of can, squirrel?

It wasn't an empty beer can your partying dc had chucked into your neighbour's garden, I hope?

PovertyPain · 25/06/2017 08:34

Oh come on, OP. I'm sure the kids weren't just sitting playing cards. Teenagers ARE little shits. I'm sure there was plenty of yelling and I'd guess swearing going on. It's a right of passage. I've had plenty of experience with it, with mine. It doesn't mean they're bad kids, just little shits. 😁

As for the can, I can't imagine him looking through his recycling bin. It would seem plausible that they've chucked it over and he's got pissed off. Maybe he'd calmed down and realised he went to far. That was maybe why he said not to move them because of him.

I'd get pissed off if I was regularly getting balls over the fence. At 15yrs old it wouldn't be a gentle kick about and your kid should never have went into his garden. He's probably said he'd be happy to give them back but got fed up with the constant noise and thought they were taking the piss.

MaisyPops · 25/06/2017 08:37

Good point poverty

I'd be a lot more sympathetic to a child or pre teen regularly kicking balls over by mistake than a 15 year old who should be able to understand that booting a ball = over fence.

Andrewofgg · 25/06/2017 08:40

The last wedding I went to cost the Registrar's fees and a meal at an Indian restaurant for six. It was lovely.

The next but one that I am going to is going to cost at an informed guess £75000 and I don't expect much pleasure from it.

Andrewofgg · 25/06/2017 08:41

Sorry, Wong thread

AwaywiththePixies27 · 25/06/2017 08:46

We have an unspoken agreement around here.

Any calls that go over fences are not retrieved by said child or adult. Instead when the neighbours go out in the evening or the nedt time they're in their garden they throw it back over. With the exception of lady muck who popped a neighbours autistic Childs ball in front of him. It was the first time the poor lad had ever done it and she's a nasty piece of work who looks down her nose at everyone now she's bought her own house. Everyone's practically ostracised her.

However if the neighbour has two bin bags full of balls and has only been there a year they're coming over with annoying frequency. I'd also ve boarding up any gaps where a kid kept coming into my garden. Whether there was an agreement in the first place of he can come and get it is one thing. I think you'll find it's the coming into his garden several times without warning is what's pissed your neighbour off.

MummaThree · 25/06/2017 08:53

YABU I'm not saying you're lying about your DC being quiet but how do you know that they're as quiet when you're not around?
They must be more noisy when you're not around to get shouted at!

Also to be honest I'd go mad having a baby too as no one like the risk of their baby being woken up

His language and his actions towards your DC are unreasonable and there's no need for him to go to that extreme.

I'd be really angry if my NDN DC came into my garden to retrieve a ball without my permission because I'm more than happy to throw it back and all they'd have to do is ask which is just basic manners.

Is there not a park nearby where your sons can play football?

NotYoda · 25/06/2017 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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