To want a film I don't feel comfortable with, turned off?

[Knightly]

DH and I were just casually sitting, flicking through channels. He stopped on one film, no idea what it's called, but it had already started in full swing.

I didn't have a clue to the story line and neither did DH so not able to fill me in. He said he knew roughly he thought and her identity was different and she was in hospital.

Next thing I know a woman has woken up in a hospital gown screaming and looking at her hands.

Then some nurse brings in this bloke who has paid to have sex (rape), with her. Nurse was under impression she was still knocked out. Nurse leaves and when rapist gets to it, she bites his tongue off.

I said "DH, I don't feel comfortable with this. Can you turn it off?"

"No, ffs"

I said "Well I am leaving the room then because I feel uncomfortable".

"Fuck sake. Fine! I'll turn it off"

I said "Don't worry, I'm going anyway due to the way you're speaking to me".

He said "Well no, it's just always about what you want".

Was I being unreasonable here? It didn't help that I didn't know the story line, so essentially film was just graphic scenes with no plot to me.

Also, anyone know what film it is? Is on now.

• stable, not table

TheFatOfTheLand So OP should have made her feeling very clear right there and then?

No time for sudden psychological upset due to a history she had no say in happen to her. Oh no, how utterly ridiculous of her. Why should her DH even think of changing the channel for her?

@Paying

Yes, if she didn't want to watch an obviously signalled rape scene then she could have asked to turn over before it occurred.

I'll agree that she may not have realised how it was going to affect her until it happened, but it's not correct to say that the scene came out of nowhere - which was the point I was making.

TheFat Oh I see, sorry about that.

I read it as you thinking OP was unreasonable not to complain about it prior the the 'build up rape'.

My apologies

Why should her DH even think of changing the channel for her?

I don't know - you tell me.

The OP said on page 1 that she's usually okay with rape scenes then says "A rape scene suddenly appearing and a woman is distress is quite unnerving to me out of nowhere". it wasn't out of nowhere, it was clearly signalled.

How was her partner supposed to know that this wasn't one of those rape scenes she's fine with? Wanting consideration from your partner is one thing, expecting him to be psychic is another.

Sorry, not trying to be argumentative even if it sounds like it

So now it's OP's fault for not getting upset/asking for it to be turned off early enough?

She should discuss it with her OH and decide how she wants to go about dealing with this scenario in the future, and on the rare occasion there is a sudden scene she is uncomfortable with to agree with him how she would like to proceed. Maybe she has control of the remote from now on?!
Literature, art, poetry, films and TV frequently reference sexual violence towards women. I would rather not be censored by anyone out of 'kindness and compassion' as it would severely limit what I read / view for one

@RebelRogue

It's not anybody's fault imo.

The OP must have known what was going to happen and thought she would be okay watching it. Turns out she wasn't.

Her partner isn't able to predict her reactions as she's okay with some rape scenes and not with others.

His reaction afterwards wasn't great but maybe he couldn't understand why she'd want it turned over after the scene had already happened.

Yeah I agree the issue here is the Husbands reaction afterwards. We shouldn't ever judge someone for being upset by a scene like that.

How else was she supposed to raise it with him? His reaction was beyond "not great", his response was "no, for fucks sake". What on earth could possibly have warranted such a reaction? He should be falling over himself to apologise for that, and promising not be so bloody vile in future.

If he can't hack the fact that the OP has viewing preferences that are different to his, to the point where it causes him to swear and throw a hissy fit, then he needs to consider if he's in the right relationship.

His reaction was beyond "not great"

I agree - I phrased that badly. His reaction was crap but I'm not perfect either and have behaved badly in the past so I won't the one to throw the first stone without knowing more than the OP has shared.

What on earth could possibly have warranted such a reaction?

We don't know, perhaps the OP should be the one asking him that seeing as how he's never reacted like it before when she's asked him to change channel.

If he can't hack the fact that the OP has viewing preferences that are different to his, to the point where it causes him to swear and throw a hissy fit, then he needs to consider if he's in the right relationship.

Maybe he should, and maybe he is hence his crap reaction to her request.

Yeah, sorry, what I meant was that there's no justification at all for the way he responded to her, given how she spoke to him. I don't think she should be asking him why he reacted like that, it's unjustifiable. I think she should perhaps tell him that if that's how he wants to speak to her and treat her then perhaps the relationship is not worth continuing with. Especially as she stated she'd have got a similar reaction if she'd just got up and left without saying anything.

I'm with Hannah here.

Plus the OP herself did say

A rape scene suddenly appearing and a woman is distress is quite unnerving to me out of nowhere

It's all about context. Can her partner not see that? I could and I don't even know the OP.

@Elendon The rape scene really didn't 'suddenly appear' out of nowhere. It couldn't have been more clear what was going to happen so the scene itself shouldn't have come as a shock. The OP's reaction to it obviously did come as a shock to her as she had stated she's usually okay with rape scenes.

If the OP doesn't know what is going to trigger her then how is her partner supposed to? He wasn't to know that this rape scene was going to upset her as it's clearly a bit of lottery as to which ones will (and won't) trigger a reaction. It would be presumptuous and patronising of him to turn over a programme his partner was actively watching because he assumed it would upset her.

His reaction to her request is, however, a different matter.

I like to think I know what will trigger me but I can't be certain; I do, however, know to avoid things that are too close for comfort. I would never read The Lovely Bones because the rape and murder of a 14 year old is too much like my situation (raped aged 15 with a knife to my throat and threats to kill me). That doesn't mean I won't be upset by something totally different to my situation (though it hasn't happened yet).

A man who has never been sexually violated cannot come close to understanding the psyche of a woman who has. They would probably find it hard to connect the dots (unlike those who have experienced it) and wonder why a scene of an attempted rape of an adult woman in a coma being bears any relation to a child of 4 being sexually abused.

I don't think she should be asking him why he reacted like that

Why not? I thought people in relationships were supposed to talk to each other This seems to be an unusual reaction by I'm - how can anything be resolved by ignoring it?

Especially as she stated she'd have got a similar reaction if she'd just got up and left without saying anything.

Well I'm not sure about you but I'd be pretty pissed off if my partner just got up and left the room "without saying anything". Surely a quick 'sorry love, not my kind of movie so I'm going downstairs to watch XYZ/read a book/go for a bath etc.'

Yeah, poor chap, it must be very hard for him to deal with such a difficult wife.

Remind me why she should have to leave her bedroom of an evening, saying politely of course to avoid upsetting her husband, because she is upset by the film he is watching? Should she sleep on the sofa, or stay awake until the end of the film and then come to bed?

Of course people in relationships should talk to each other. I've said that repeatedly. Apparently though this only means that the OP should talk about why her husband is angry with her, rather than why she's upset by the film. I guess it's important she finds out what she's done to upset him so much that he has to swear at her, so that she can avoid doing it again.

My typing is shot to shite tonight - lots of typos and the last part of my post is missing.

Of course people in relationships should talk to each other. I've said that repeatedly.

So why not on this occasion?

Apparently though this only means that the OP should talk about why her husband is angry with her, rather than why she's upset by the film.

A conversation goes both ways i.e. talking about why they were both upset. Someone needs to start the conversation, it doesn't just happen organically. If it were me I'd want to know why he was such a cockwomble about it.

I guess it's important she finds out what she's done to upset him so much that he has to swear at her, so that she can avoid doing it again

I didn't say anything like that, I never said she'd "upset him". I think it would be good to know why he reacted in such a crap way. If it's just because he's an ignorant, selfish cunt then she knows he's not worth wasting her time on.

What other reason could there possibly be apart from him being vile? What could possibly merit that kind of ott aggressive response, when any normal considerate person would have just said "oh, sorry, let's see what else is on, I'll record this for later".

What other reason could there possibly be apart from him being vile?

Really? You think there can't be any other reason apart from him being vile (cos he's got a penis)? How do you know he wasn't abused as a child too and he's blocking it out/denying it. Maybe the OP's reaction to rape scenes triggers him and forces him to confront what happened when he doesn't want to.

We. Don't. Know.

Unlikely I know but that's why talking about it would be the first step, anything else is conjecture.

Yeah, I hate all men, you've got me bang to rights.

Your attempted justifications for this person's behaviour are absurd!

Well the OP is the one married to him. I'm sure she's thrilled to know you think he's vile rather than just a person who is maybe tired and a maybe a tad freaked out

Your attempted justifications for this person's behaviour are absurd!

Your failure to understand the point I'm making is equally "absurd". Nobody knows what made the partner behave in the way he did. Talking about it would hopefully reveal whether there are deeper reasons or whether he's just basically ,a cunt.

I didn't actually accused you of misandry but the assumption that men can't have any reason other than being 'vile' for their reactions kind of fits into that box.

Oh bless him, poor chap! Im sure he's a lovely man just a bit under pressure, maybe he has a terribly stressful job or some other important issue that's bothering him. And then he has to deal with these emotional outbursts from his wife when he's trying to relax and watch TV!

Actually AB I think the OP said he was the one having the emotional outburst there. Who knows why? Do you?