To want a film I don't feel comfortable with, turned off?

[Knightly]

DH and I were just casually sitting, flicking through channels. He stopped on one film, no idea what it's called, but it had already started in full swing.

I didn't have a clue to the story line and neither did DH so not able to fill me in. He said he knew roughly he thought and her identity was different and she was in hospital.

Next thing I know a woman has woken up in a hospital gown screaming and looking at her hands.

Then some nurse brings in this bloke who has paid to have sex (rape), with her. Nurse was under impression she was still knocked out. Nurse leaves and when rapist gets to it, she bites his tongue off.

I said "DH, I don't feel comfortable with this. Can you turn it off?"

"No, ffs"

I said "Well I am leaving the room then because I feel uncomfortable".

"Fuck sake. Fine! I'll turn it off"

I said "Don't worry, I'm going anyway due to the way you're speaking to me".

He said "Well no, it's just always about what you want".

Was I being unreasonable here? It didn't help that I didn't know the story line, so essentially film was just graphic scenes with no plot to me.

Also, anyone know what film it is? Is on now.

For the OP.
Your husband is an adult. It's up to him what he watches, your not his mother and he's not 12.
If you don't like what he's watching then go and do something else.
Whether his viewing choices upset you or not, its not for you to dictate to an adult.
If my husband or anyone else tried to dictate my viewing choices they would be told in no uncertain terms w where to go.

It's real life.

Isn't it more of an insult to victims to brush it under the rug and pretend these things don't happen?

It's not about "enjoying watching sexual violence" FFS.

Totally disagree. In a relationship where you're sharing a TV screen it's normal and reasonable to negotiate what to watch. It's a more adult response to a disagreement rather than expecting the other person to either put up with it or fuck off.

I find it very odd that so many people on this thread are of the opinion that each person should watch their own program on their own screen, or go away and be in another room for the duration. It's not what I'd want in a relationship!

Plus no one seems bothered by the way the OPs husband reacted to her. Or the background to her reaction that she described. Nope, just no empathy or consideration for the other person in the relationship.

It's not real life, it's specifically entertainment. A Tarantino film is not a documentary.

There's a middle ground between ignoring this aspect of life, and using it gratuitously for entertainment.

What bollocks rhubarb gin: sexual and misogynist violence on TV is nothing to do with raising awareness or helping victims, it's just part of "rape culture".

It's quite obvious, once again, it's a sexually violent rape scene. A few minutes of non fantasy violence that makes it even more realistic within a film where the majority of the violence as such is unrealistic. Also there is a 'graphic' - as in graphic cartoon - depiction of violence, but this is also incredibly sad and horrific and the emotion is real. This film is not one to love but one to like because it (maybe unintentionally) depicts violence in reality, graphic, comically (I know!) and the back story is always on your mind and for me the message is clear. I certainly got the message that violence is not the answer nor the solution.

So we're suggesting that rape, murder, violence etc shouldn't in anyway be portrayed in films as it's condoning the act?

No that's clearly not at all what I said. I don't have a problem with things like that being shown in films/programmes. I do have an issue with it being used gratuitously and excessively, and I really dislike sexual violence being used for tittilation. I'm not suggesting censorship btw, it would be nice if there wasn't the appetite for some of the more unpleasant things that are shown even on mainstream TV.

This kind of thing is what I mean:

tribecafilm.com/stories/helen-mirren-dead-young-women-tv

I certainly found it liberating - why is a different matter and one I'm not prepared to discuss. But that was my reaction to it. If I knew someone who was abused and found such things triggering, I would never recommend this film to watch.

I would have turned it over immediately. No questions asked.

I watched this film on my own. Took it at my own pace. And watched the next in a similar vein.

It stinks that on this thread so many people have posted about how cool they are with violent TV and films, and how the OP should be cool with her DP watching it in her presence, or leave her living room, when the OP (who experienced sexual abuse as a young child) finds this kind of viewing upsetting.

@Teutonic so at 10 pm at night,when you and your husband are in bed,relaxing,in the bedroom, you'd tell him to fuck off because something you are watching triggered him,after a horrific and traumatic experience in his childhood?

"However, it is not a rape scene, there is no rape theme to the storyline and the film is not about rape. "

But the OP DIDN'T KNOW THAT and had no way of knowing that, having tuned in while that exact scene was on.

From that scene alone, it was logical to assume the film would have deal with the theme of rape. She was abused as a child and her husband refused to turn it off, nonetheless.

While all this theorising is great, it is perfectly logical to assume from that scene ALONE that as victim of abuse, this may be a triggering movie for you and it is an absolutely reasonable expectation to ask the person who is meant to love and respect you to switch the fucking channel.

Oh I'm still on the side of the OP
Happens with my wife quite a bit and she has no history of abuse. But she gets anxious with certain movies and freaked out. So if it's in the sitting room and we want to spend time together I'll flick over or she might go in the other room if we're a good bit in to the movie and I'm invested and want to finish it.

In the bedroom when its wind down time just accept the other person isn't in the moo direction and put on something else.
Swearing at her because she's had a natural reaction to a scene which is meant to be disturbing/tense is a cunts trick.

*in the mood

The issue here is not whether Kill Bill is a good film, or whether there is an actual rape scene. Op is presume your DH knows about your past and why a scene like that may be upsetting for you? That being the case his trying to make you watch it and getting shitty about it when you want to leave the room is really horrible behaviour and I'd worry it was symptomatic of a wider attitude towards you

*It's real life.

Isn't it more of an insult to victims to brush it under the rug and pretend these things don't happen?

It's not about "enjoying watching sexual violence" FFS.*

There's some interesting thought provoking articles out there on the way women are often portrayed being raped, attacked and abused on screen - scenes/movies mostly written and directed by men.

Your DH shouldn't make you watch anything you are uncomfortable with. I hate watching violent things, it really distresses me, I can't help it and I don't even have life experiences that would exacerbate me feeling that way like you OP. I'm sorry for what happened to you and that your DH isn't more sensitive.

My DP put on a film, a Mel Gibson one about tribes being taken over by the mayans/aztecs (i think but hazy on the details) and I asked him if it had any really nasty violence in it as he has seen it before, he said no. 10 minutes in and a woman had her newborn baby snatched off her and thrown in a fire. I had had dd about 2 weeks previously and I sobbed and sobbed for hours, it really affected me and upset me. DP apologised but then tried to get me to carry on watching it the next day. I let him know that that would not be happening under any circumstances. He dropped it after I got quite arsey with him over it.

He knows I won't watch anything with gratuitous violence, especially if it involves children, so he watches anything like that without me and we watch things we mutually agree upon together, like house of cards and love island

Once again I know this isn't the point of the thread but that movie is apocalypto and it's fan-fucking-tastic.
But yeah, not a movie you'd claim doesn't have violence in it.

Apocalypto is horrific and not suitable for someone who has just given birth. and it's crap

Lots of people feel uncomfortable and upset watching sexual violence, its something i struggle with too, you are not unreasonable to not want to watch someone attempting/raping someone. I think if it had been a different less heard of film you'd have different responses.

I know context and stuff has been mentioned many times, sometimes it's filmed in a realistic way, sometimes in done in a male fantasy type way, sometimes it's the theme of the whole film, sometimes it's an added extra, but for me, I just can't watch rape, attempted or otherwise, I feel sick, shakey and want to actually vomit sometimes. I dont expect anybody not to watch something for my benefit, and I wouldn't not watch a film because it had a rape in, I just leave the room. But it's never been an issue with dh, he didn't like sexual violence as entertainment either so when it's just us, it gets turned over, fast forwarded or whatever depending on where we are in the film. He will also google films we plan to watch to see if it contains rape so that I know beforehand and can decide to not bother, or fast forward.

Sorry but I think anyone who gets angry at someone who's been sexually assaulted for being upset at suddenly being faced with a potentially sexually violent scene and wanting it off is a bit of a cunt. If context is important then it's worth noting that they were in bed before sleeping, perhaps as he was the one wanting to watch the film, he maybe should have got out of bed and watched it Downstairs, or watch another day/time if he was tired too, OP shouldn't have to leave her bed so that her dh can watch attempted/rape without her being upset and ruining it for him.. the TV in the bedroom isn't the problem, it's his attitude.

I was raped when I was 12 and maybe that plays a part for me, but I know a few women who haven't been assaulted for who, it doesn't matter how great a film is, the context etc rape/attempted rape can still be upsetting. I don't think OP is unreasonable to expect some understanding from the man who shares her life.

Put it this way

A few years ago, DH and I were watching This is England

That rape scene build up started.

He could not get to the remote control quick enough. He knocked over the coffee table in his haste to shut it down then ask if I was ok to carry on watching. He said he was not, and would leave the room if need be

That is what people who care for each other do

I agree.

As long as it's from a genuine sense of sensitivity, rather than "she'll kill me if I don't".

I cannot watch rape scenes and don't want to get used to it or the brutality that goes along with it. At one point I refused to watch Game of Thrones with my DH because it felt like there was one so frequently. He was a bit disappointed because he likes us watching things together as that's our time but he got it. Now I ask him to skip a scene in something if he can or I'll go and do something else.

However, it's part of life so we can't just not have it in movies or TV, we do need to be aware, especially for things that depict RL. For someone who has been abused that's difficult as it's a reminder so he shouldn't have been so shitty about it - if he was aware, sorry didn't RTHT.

Rape scenes usually depict women as victims in TV and movies and I wonder if there would be more empathy about not wanting to watch them if we also saw male victims as frequently.

My DH wants to watch things all the time that I don't really like, but I don't really like shows that are extremely explicit in language or graphics... even crime shows I've started to steer away from. So I am aware I can be a bit sensitive to this.

He knows I don't like it, but I don't expect him to always watch things that are suitable to my tastes. We have a few shows we watch together and when he wants to watch these other ones I'll go in another room or he will go to a different room. I'd be upset for how he reacted, but your own reaction about the show may have taken him by surprise too. I'd talk to him about what you're not comfortable with and then it probably won't be a big deal in the future as he can watch the shows you don't alone..

I was intregued by Game of Thrones so watched some of it but fast forwarded all the violence and sexposition, it often only took around 15mins to watch an entire episode! And would find out about any plot had missed by reading online.